Edinburgh Beginners Tournament 2000
Here they are, eventually, the much awaited demolition of everyone on the team's self confidence and image. Please leave feedback on the message board, adding your own two cents worth of mudthrowing. The following data, in case you wonder, is not made up or exaggerated in any way. It all happened.
JD
Fact.
Nickname: Llansploogengesploffin
Why? Because nobody likes him.
 Drank well, a steady performance. Averaged 10 pints a day for 3 days. During games was most noted for his UCD blue pigtails. Did misbehave though, streaking through a girls convent school in Abergeveni, east Wales. Ex girlfriend Tabatha agreed to pay £300 sterling bail over the phone. How cute. 
Ultimate: JD will never be good at this sport.
Alan
Nickname: River f**ker
Why? Once got frisky with a large mass of moving water. :".. it was like kissing a showerhead.";
Alan had the tireless task of having to buy more beer for the team or risk being overthrown as treasurer for a younger, better looking Pooey Looey. Absolutely over the moon that he got to stay in a room with his girlfriend - and nine smelly freshers, he came home more frustrated than when he went. Alan deserves lots of recognition for the work he did in organising the transport and accommodation for the trip. Whether or not he will ever get this recognition - who knows?
Ultimate: Its a good thing John was there to catch those swilly hammers
John
Nickname: Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac............................................................Mac 3
Why? Because of his hairy chest
John used to be a rent boy/stripper in "Big Bob's Brothel", Tang Hui, Thailand. It shows. John scored a creature on Friday night who the teams collectively agreed to call "fat ugly hairy buffalo" She did have a lot of personality though, John claims. She also had a lot of time zones, one for every hectare of blubber, to be precise. He did put up 35 mins of resistance to me in a game of  "ubersportmanschaft" or, in English; arse slap knee tap. It lasted five cans of beer and two taxi journeys. He will think twice before challenging me again.
Ultimate: Played well, becoming our endzone hitman. He'd run around elbowing people in the teeth before catching the disc.
Paddy
Nickname: Fernando
Why? Woke up on the train and unexpectedly  said "Fernando";
When not acting in seedy low budget theatrical documentaries on gardening, Paddy plays ultimate. He was always going to be the cool one on this trip, bringing his ghetto blaster and matching Michael Jackson cd. Need I say more. A great man for his warm-up lunges, he amused a platform of middle aged Welsh folk, lunging 30 paces in cold weather to the funky organ solo of his favourite song, "Bad". If you ever want a stupid drinking game, call him on 0800 - 44 - 44 - 44 - LUNGE.
Ultimate: A good first cutter from the stack with technically good throws. Definite handling prospects
Kevin
Nickname: Pudger
Why? His navel is a black hole
When Kevin wasn't sleeping or flirting with Caitriona, he was getting the piss ripped out of him by absolutely everybody. For some reason, Kevin enjoys putting his hand up other peoples arses, while checking for closed circuit tv cameras. Impressive drinking record, must have been one of our highest. His championship winning beerbelly was the envy of the highlands.
Ultimate: Solid tournament, not afraid to lay out. Will become a good offensive player when he learns to calm down with the disc in his hand.
Barry
Nickname: Criminal
Why? Was almost arrested in Crewe for wearing a loud shirt in a built up area.
Team hard man, can eat a whole McDonald's sundae in one mouthful, makes great pig squealing noises and got arrested several times, once for jumping down onto a railway track in a station. He was looking for his dignity. Always a good man to tell Kevin to stop talking crap, Barry broke wind relentlessly for the whole trip. Fair dues.
Ultimate: A definite playmaker on the field. Timed cuts well. A natural mid player.
Mark
Nickname: Abergeveni
Why? Claims he once lived there, doesn't know his parents were joking when they told him this.
Were it not for Mark, this trip was almost law abiding. He co-"found" a Welsh train station sign and smuggled it the length of Britain in a sleeping bag, telling strangers it was a bodyboard. He was attacked by a static pane of glass which almost put him out of the tournie. The "wound" needed a half dozen stitches. Mark got on well with staff at the Edinburgh Hospital casualty ward.
Ultimate: Despite having an amusingly sloppy style of play, was a highly effective player on offence and defence. Showed good commitment, repeatedly laying out onto a stitched arm.
Luan
Nickname: Lllllly
Why? Good question
One of the teams preferred whipping boys, the only good thing to be said about this individual is that he has a long stride. The closest he came to scoring on this trip was  crying into the arms of the tournament nurse when he fractured his elbow while taking out the corner flag. In fairness though, the nurse was hot, so much so that she sweated profusely all over her 70 year old face.
Ultimate: Came into tournament as most inexperienced player but rose his game a huge amount to the high tournament standard. Injury was a direct result of commitment.
Caitriona
Nickname: Minger McMing
Why? She didn't like the name at all.
Caitriona refused to moon for the entire weekend. As a result, she was the only one of us to leave Scotland with any shred of dignity. Her greatest moment was choosing our team song -"Bad" by Michael Jackson. Her worst moment was, em, er, just look at the photo of her and Pudger in the bar on Friday night.
Ultimate: Possibly the most improved player over the two days, made some very important defensive blocks in the later games.
Louise
Nickname Pooey Looey
Why? Every girl we know has to have a poo in their name somewhere.
Louise had the longest hair of the 11 on the trip. She amused us all by her half hearted cries of "Alan, no!" Her clothing on Saturday and Sunday was a flimsily knotted transparent tricolour. Performed well as our in match sound engineer. What we'll remember most about her though are the filthy jokes about lesbian prostitutes she always told.
Ultimate: Made a quick appearance during our 3rd place playoff. Alan rushed to inform her and she pulled her top back up, blushing as she did so.
Oisin
Nickname: Llandudno
Why? Because I didn't have enough nicknames.
If I had my way, there would have been no trip to Edinburgh. Instead, we would have done cutting drills in hall B all weekend. Drank red bull and beer by the pitcher on Friday night before waking up the whole house at 5 in the morning by singing "Stan" as loud as I could. Did impressions of Jesus Christ on a ten foot tall loudspeaker and was the seventh team member to squash into a phone box. Spent a lot of Saturday night requesting Hakuna Matata, arguing vehemently with the DJ that it would be a crowd pleaser.
Ultimate: Despite being four storeys high, I managed to hit the roof with a hammer during the semi final. My biggest crowdpleaser came half way through the third place playoff when Mark and I tore straight through the centre of the court in a move that left the opposition dumbstruck. Was a master of recycling, giving the same team call verbatum seven games in a row.
home
Summary
A brilliant tournament in which the team played very well. To reach the semi-final of it was a huge achievement, especially as the standard was much higher than ever before. The team has a lot of potential and should do well in the tournaments after Christmas.  And we?ll definitely without a doubt indubidably and categorically win the Dublin tournament.