We go to Amsterdam. Everything is fine until the team arrives.
First, Juan gets there. Nowhere in his file did it say: short, obnoxious, talks like an actor in a bad gang movie, machismo drips from his lips like lava from a volcano, homicidal maniac. However, he and Vinnie got along famously. Then we have a dinner meeting. While trying to get Sam—don't don't call me Sambo—the hacker to agree to actually go back to her room and hack (without all the lip—no wonder she works with computers), yet another of the many pearls of macho wisdom issues forth from the cucaracha. The major and I both wanted to bludgeon—oops—I mean smack him. Being always lucky in affairs of head-meet-beer mug, I was closer. So I attempted to knock some sense into him. What does he do? He pulls out a gun in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Where was he raised—in a ghetto? I tried to tell him in pig-Latin (a language the chauvinistic swine should have readily understood) to put the gun away. Too late. The police arrive and give chase. Spic boy shoots and kills a cop. If it wasn't bad enough to have one of my thieves on the lam, the police then come in and warn my other thief not to go near the very place we have targeted.
Being the little troopers that we are, we continue to plan. Sam—it's okay to call me Sammy—hacks her little fingers off (wouldn't that be neat to watch). I go see a friend who works at the art institute and the major pulls a sticky fingers at the historical society. (Accident report to follow) However, Lavinia suggests that we have the wetback create a diversion to see the response time. I never saw a petty criminal have so much trouble getting the police to come. He rides up on a bicycle and PUMPS A bb into the window. No alarm. So I call the little rice-eating shit. He pedals back—where is a twister when you need it?—AND ............... does the same thing again. This time there is a response, but only because the discreet and agile Juanito managed to attract the attention of some old biddy in the neighborhood. Now I have to call Sammy—don't mess with me I have PMS (perpetual moodiness syndrome) the cracker hacker to get a new location. The spicscycle arrives, and—yes you guessed it - shoots another bb into the window and fails to set off the alarm. By now my bruised and battered body (all self-inflicted) is cold and really pissed-off. I call and suggest a Molotov cocktail (although I didn't necessarily want him to throw it—I thought ingestion might be indicated at this point). Finally, the little cockroach brings a brick. He winds up and lets it fly. Where does it land? Right on the building ledge. While I was devising a much better use for the brick, he picks it up and smashes it through the window. Well, at least he did actually set off the alarm. So when I need a decoy, I will give his slithering, greasy, pork-chop-eating, bodega-buying, foul-mouthed, bad-accented, little body to any—and—everybody who may wish to cause grievous bodily harm to him.
As things can hardly get worse,—and what fun would that be—given the current circumstances, we are calling in the expertise of Nikki Diamond. Oh, what new adventures await us!
So, off to the airport I go to meet the ever cautious and stealthful Mrs. Diamond, and her rabid bodyguard, Max. Of course, in keeping with the success rate of the current mission, customs has already boarded her plane and confiscated all of her equipment. I accompany her to her hotel, giving her a copy of the plans, updating her on the current situation and then giving her time to formulate a plan. Meanwhile, Vinnie meets this hot Dutch-speaking Latino in a dive (shop), who just happens to work for the company. (Ordinarily, this would cause suspicion, but I have long since ceased to be surprised by anything here. However, when I return to my own dimension......) The cockroach knows him, and with credentials like that I thought, "Surely, he belongs on my team!" The plan was for Vinnie to invite him to dinner, and the major, Sam—"what is that crazy bitch Nikki doing here"—the broken record and I would be at another table to see if it looked promising. Apparently every thief in town (with the exception of Mrs. Diamond) is here. So while we are watching Vinnie & co., the table with the two men as well as the table with the man and woman, the new Hisp is watching us, Vinnie is watching the man and woman, who are watching Vinnie and the two men who appear to be watching the man and the woman and Vinnie and us. (The grammar police have already issued a warning to me for the previous sentence!!) I'm looking for a chiropractor because my neck is killing me. Deciding it was too crowded in the restaurant, Vinnie leaves, although I don't recall it being part of the plan for her to leave without a word or a signal to her team.
I took a little mental inventory. What do we have? One thief who cannot go near the intended target (and doesn't follow directions well, either). One Hispanic cockroach who has trouble setting off an alarm (I can't wait to see how well he is able to NOT set off an alarm). Another thief who has to check in with the police by phone at 6 hour intervals and in person daily. A computer hacker with a major attitude. A major with a major's attitude (not that that's bad). And a sexually frustrated team leader with a bad attitude. Oh yea, and a trained guard dog—I mean bodyguard. Okay—so we're screwed.
The major, the hacker and I set out in search of liquid nourishment. Finally, success at something. The major and I get truly blitzed and Sam—the designated driver—drives me back to my hotel. I only remember removing the bodies from my bed and a shower in the middle of the night to wash the sticky stuff out of my hair. Although judging from the bruises on Vinnie the next day, there had to be more to it than that. Anyway, we have a new team member, who has shown himself to have some very valuable attributes, and I can now change my description to a team leader with a bad attitude.
Before I go on, I would like to requisition a set of dental instruments, because if I have to continue to pull teeth, I need to be prepared. Rico and I meet with Nikki, the random encounter magnet, and Spike—I mean Max. So Dr. Lysniewski, DDS goes to work. What's the plan? What do you need? Who do you need? Spike pants, Rico watches and I wait with baited breath (she is master thief, right?). What does she do? She talks about the other thieves who have come into the coffee shop. Yea, yea I know they're there, but what about the plan???? A molar goes flying. I finally get a list of needed things from her. Then this Italian, terrorist-chasing, camera-less photographer comes in and wants to know what is Nikki's connection to the terrorist thieves who have just left. (I think my brain is about to explode) Sammy, Rico and I spend the afternoon getting supplies for the master thief. Although, a mid-afternoon phone call to her revealed that she had left one small item off of her list—a boat (I wasn't sure if that meant that she'd never had one, or she had one and customs had impounded it, but it was easier to find than a lack cat suit, because I couldn't find a cat to give up his skin).
Dinner meeting—or not if you're Nikki Diamond and you can't lose your tail. She and her vigilant hound come in wagging their tail. Vinnie manages to alert them to this fact, and they leave. We send the juvenile delinquent, Juan, out to take care of the bad guy and he comes back with some tale (but no tail) about Neo-Nazis. We finally manage to meet for dinner. I cannot even come up with a coherent report of what happened next. (Not that what has preceded has been terribly intelligible...) The major and the hacker drive by the Bard to have a look. Although I have surely extracted enough teeth to give a family of West Virginians their smiles back, I still have not gotten the mistress thief to give me a plan. The word from the major and Sambo at the Bard is that there are terrorists, police, the obnoxious Wop from the coffee shop and an assassin who wants to kill the now-toothless Mrs. Diamond.
So we send the major out dressed as Nikki (with a newly fitted set of dentures), with Vinnie and the inbred Doberman, Max, to be seen publicly. Nikki and Juan are to get into position in case they need to go into the Bard, although it is likely that the aforementioned terrorists have beaten us to it. Rico Suave and I are on the boat in the canals (being ever watchful for stray subway trains). Now follow carefully: at the Bard, a cop is dead, the terrorists have broken into the place, the Dago photographer shot the male terrorist (with a gun, not a camera - which he doesn't seem to have), Deputy Rabid-Dawg Dana shot Nikki, Rico dove off of our boat into the water after the thief, the Guinea managed to get out of the way of the boat, grab the diving platform, let go of the platform and ........ the thieves got away.
Meanwhile, at the public club: Neo-Nazis ambush Rover and the major, who manage to get away only to run outside and (don't get in the taxi guys!!!!) jump into the Krauts' Limo. Unfortunately, the Neo-Nazis want the items which we failed to acquire in order to free the major and Spot.
By some f’in miracle, Rover and the major are able to escape (luckily they didn’t depend on the skill of this team to get them out!).
Second Report:
Well, I am still here. However, I have a plan. GET OUT!!!!! I send a message to Mr. Diamond via Antwerp's self. I also call Vinnie and Rico to return. It turns out that they have been hanging out together (and knowing Vinnie, I mean that literally), on the boat that I rented. Before I can meet them, I go to relieve some tension at the local museums. (This is a piss-poor plan—I recommend that one tries the techniques discussed later in this report for stress-alleviation)
What is the rest of team doing, you might ask? Well, as best as I can reckon, the major, after going to the hospital to give Max a snausage treat and a pat on the head, is wandering the streets as I am. Sammy is probably having cyber-sex (and I thought I was sexually frustrated!), Selina is probably having loud sex and D'Angelico is probably having no sex. (Antos is self-reliant, I don't need to worry about him in that regard.) Upon my return to the hotel, I get a message that Vinnie and Rico are in the bar. Smiling at my good fortune, I go to the bar. Of course, now I have to use my best detective skills to see if anything has happened between Vinnie and Rico.
S: "Did you guys have sex?"
V: "I don't share."
S: "That leaves me with slim pickings."
V: "You can have Juan."
S: (to bartender) "Bottled beer please."
However, my relief at finding Rico untouched by Vinnie's hands is immeasurable. We are just about to go upstairs to engage in stress-alleviation techniques, when Antos walks in beside himself. He informs me that Himself wants me to work on this for three more days. THREE DAYS!!!!! This sucks! Major Stress!!!!
Rico and I go upstairs. On the way back down, we stop and get the major. We go down to the bar. Lavinia has been entertaining Antos and she looks thrilled. Well, as we discuss our current objective, Vinnie remembers having seen Deputy D. At first she can't remember where. Then she realizes that he had been here, in this bar, an hour ago, and there had been a cook's uniform hanging from his bag.
Okay, this is another one of those weird, difficult to follow scenarios. So pay close attention. The major heads toward the kitchen, stopping briefly to help a waiter with his tray!?! Rico and I are headed out to the back through the lobby. "It's okay," I tell him, "I'm out in three days, we only have to pretend to do something!" I pull my gun out and head through the door. The major has fired shots at Dana. We run out of the lobby, right in front of him!! Deputy Dicky Dawg shoots at me. Rico dives in front of the bullet for me and gets shot in the arm!!!!!! (') (I think I have to marry this man...) I shoot Dana, but the SOB has on a bullet-proof vest. Then the slime bag shoots me in the foot. ('') (I don't know why he bothered, I have been shooting myself in the foot this entire mission) I manage to fake shock and fall to the ground. (Not too much of a stretch when you've been shot in the foot.)
Okay, quick picture. Rico and I are laying on the ground, next to one another, bleeding. Dana has rolled beneath a car. Analee is just around the corner. Rico and Dana exchange another round. Dana manages to escape by skitching on a passing car. The major gives chase and she gets shot. (''') Luckily, she also had a bullet-proof vest on, although she does have a rather bruised bosom. As Dana is leaving the scene, cars can be heard honking and screeching. (These became the sounds of the day)
Rico has decided that we pretended too well, and we need to be less creative on our next pretend adventure. We head to Sammy's—I am NOT a medic—and get bandages to stop the bleeding, and get engaged.
Vinnie, meanwhile, had found the phone number that Deputy Cook-Dog gave to the hotel and had Sammy—I am not a REAL investigator—the hacker find the address associated with it. Vinnie and D'Angelico head there. They spot him and the chase begins.
At this point, I feel it is prudent to comment on the lack of driver training provided to ISIS employees. By the end of the evening, the police had to tally the number of motor vehicle accidents, shootings, car-jackings and traffic violations committed in their fair city, because the Guinness book wished to put them in the records.
Here's what happens:
Dana leaves. The camera-less, armed, motorcycle-riding Dago follows. Vinnie goes to follow, but realizes that she left her broom behind. She hot-wires a motorcycle and joins the chase. D'Angelico manages to hit Dana in the hand, but then loses him when a f'in (short for famed-pointed in) van cuts in between them. Vinnie speeds by the Italian, a whole mess of traffic and a truck, right into Deputy D's rear view mirror. He shoots, she gets shot (''''), and tumbles off the stolen bike into the shrubbery on the island in the middle of the road. (I got a kick back from the prepositional phrase company for that sentence) D'Angelico continues to give chase. Until, that is, he has HIS accident and lays the bike down. Fortunately for him, Antos narrowly misses hitting him in the big armored ISIS car. Unfortunately for Antos, the Guinea was the only thing he managed to miss. He gets into an accident, but refuses to let that take him out of the chase. Until he gets into the second accident.
Meanwhile, the Guinea gets up and attempts to car-jack an elderly couple. They refused to get out of their car, and he jumps in and drives with them in it. As he is being repeatedly battered about the head and neck by the husband, the wife starts shrieking. After knocking out the husband with a blow to the face, D'Angelico jumps out of the car and runs back to where Antos is receiving the major's profound thanks on a job well done. Vinnie jumps in a cab, to continue the chase until .... it gets into an accident.
And......Deputy Dork Head got away.
Annalee calls me in my hotel room, where I am once again engaging in stress-alleviation techniques, and asks me to bring the car down for her. So Rico and I go to the scene of the accident (pun intended) and give Analee and D'Angelico the car. Of course, that left us with no car and Antos. We go to a bar. This time, Antos is really beside himself (figuratively, not literally). He even started pespiring, but I guess that's what happens when one drinks and fondles one's Smith and Messon for too long. Of course, we the team really don't know where Selina is, but being an omniscient team leader, second in my wisdom only to the GM (and possibly superseding him when he's been drinking Heineken, pespiring and fondling his Smith and Messon), I know that she is dangling from the end of fisherman Dana's fishing pole (with the rest of the band, who bought hook, line and sinker, his nonsense about being out in the cold and needing help).
Well, as a new day dawns, I have two days left to: fake my way through this mess, help find Dana, help kill Dana, tell Vinnie that Rico will be living with us, cure a hangover, relieve stress and avoid all other sources of stress (Sammy , D'Angelico, ANTOS).