I know, it's been some time since you heard from me.Things have been going well. Business at the restaurant is booming (not literally), Jack's practice has really taken off (so to speak) and there have been no mishaps at our apartment, the chateau or any of our places of business. Things are so quiet that the US Geological survey office sent a card asking if we were okay.
Jack and I are enjoying a quiet evening home at the chateau when there is a knock at the door. Odd, since we have a bell.
Jack goes into ... well, Jack mode. He grabs his gun, puts a smoke grenade in his pocket, throws a rope and grappling hook over his shoulder, pulls a balaclava over his face,
...while Jack is doing that, I go to the security monitor and look to see who it is...
grabs a knife, pulls on leather gloves ...
"It's Clusine," I shout, trying to break through his commando fog.
"Oh." Jack goes to the door, removes the mask and peeks out.
"Just making sure," Clusine says and turns and leaves, muttering something about how he hates having to provide visual confirmations all the time.
I tell Jack that something must be happening somewhere. A phone call I receive shortly after confirms this.
Somewhere (Curitiba, Brazil )
Having arrived in Brazil (to interrupt the exchange of a large sum of money for a large quantity of drugs at the conclusion of a race event the coming weekend) with sensible lodgings already provided for (obviously Claire is on this mission), the team is now gathering some other necessities. Claire and Karin have gone to the market to stock the kitchen (using pictures as a guide since neither speaks Portuguese), (Nun)Chuck is buying a motorcycle, and John Rossi (aka Jack Payne) is getting the lay of the land.
(Nun)Chuck notices that he is being followed by some Russians and Latinos. He uses his superior motorcycle riding skills to lose his tails, or so he thinks.
Meanwhile, at a local foot mall, the CIA is following some Russians who are following the Brazilian feds who are following the local fuzz who are following some organized crime guys who are following Jacques, the International Terrorist.
Okay, so actually, they are all really following Rossi and he has never learned the important lesson that when it seems too convenient, it is.
Rossi finds a bar and quickly makes his way to the back door. There is a van conveniently located in the back alley. Even more convenient is the fact that it is running and the keys are in it. Rossi jumps in, puts the van in drive and takes off. The feel of cold steel at the back of his neck tells him that this may not have been such a good idea. Not surprisingly, the police want him to give their van back.
Rossi slams on the brakes, jumps out and starts running as they start shooting. He runs all the way back to the apartment, believing that he has lost his tails.
Rossi gives the team the pocket Portuguese dictionaries that he bought for them during his foray to the foot mall. Karin is cognizant of her linguistic difficulties and knows that the dictionary, which lists English to Portuguese rather than German to Portuguese, will probably not be much help to her.
While Claire makes arrangements to join up with some of her racing circuit contacts as a way of getting the team into the racetrack area, the rest of the group noshes on the Brazilian groceries. (Nun)Chuck has already prepared a concoction designed to cause temporary blindness in one of the drivers so there will be an opening for one of the team members to get in with one of the race teams.
Early the next morning, (Nun)Chuck gets up and leaves the apartment. He notices a police surveillance van parked outside. He is surprised and somewhat suspicious at the bullet holes in the windshield. Deciding that he does not want the van to follow him later on, he strategically places some throwing stars under the van wheels so they will puncture the tires when the van begins to roll.
He returns to the apartment where Rossi is making pancakes. He tells the team that the police are watching the apartment. Claire wonders aloud how that happened, to which Rossi piles her plate high with extra pancakes before moving on to preparing bacon.
A knock at the door alarms everyone. Karin decides it is best to answer the door half naked (she decides on the right half) and opens the door. She immediately recognizes the person as a drug dealer she had met the last time she was in Brazil and invites him, his friend and their stash in.
While Karin is asking for a joint to smoke, Rossi is questioning the men in French. It becomes obvious that the gentlemen do not speak French. Claire tells Rossi in French that she believes they are here to take a head count. Rossi decides the guys need to be ... taken out of the equation and hits one in the head with the now bacon-filled frying pan, splattering himself with grease in the process. The last piece of bacon becomes airborne and attaches itself to (Nun)Chuck's forehead.
The stunned man, with the words 'Teflon coated' and 'Made in China' indented in his head, is still standing and (Nun)Chuck pulls a Samurai Assassin and quickly dispatches the man with his sword.
Meanwhile, Claire is attempting to put the second man, who is obviously pulling out a weapon, in a hold, Rossi is trying to get past Karin to get to him, and Karin is desperate to save the team and the marijuana, although not necessarily in that order.
Since the first guy is dead, (Nun)Chuck has also turned his attention to the second man. Claire is still trying to get him in a hold, Rossi is hitting him in the head with the aforementioned frying pan (a loud bang outside - similar to the sound that four simultaneously blowing tires would make - follows), and (Nun)Chuck is slicing off the man's arm causing Karin, who was attempting to kick the gun out the hand, to instead kick the now detached arm into the pane glass window of the apartment, where it momentarily stuck before leaving a bloody trail down the glass. Karin holds up her arms and yells 'Score', (Nun)Chuck, who always develops an appetite when attacking people with swords, removes the bacon strip from his forehead and eats it, Rossi is preparing to finish the guy off and Claire is yelling at the boys that one of them (and it's not sure if she means the Latinos or (Nun)Chuck and Rossi) needs to be alive to be questioned.
The boys use duct tape to seal up the bleeding stump - causing a new edition of 1001 Uses for Duct Tape to be put into production. After the guy tells them that he was sent by Cisneros, Rossi wants (Nun)Chuck to finish him off. (Nun)Chuck is insisting that he must be paid for his services. Karin points out that Rossi cooked them breakfast. (Nun)Chuck agrees that that is a fair trade and slits the guys throat, destroying the carpeting with spurting blood.
Karin fires up a doobie and retrieves the dismembered hand. The boys begin discussing various methods of getting rid of the bodies, including but not limited to, slicing it up and throwing it into the incinerator chute and placing them in garbage bags for disposal elsewhere. Karin suggests the 'biological' gardens (Claire was going to correct it to the botanical gardens, but considering the matter in question, decided that biological worked) and offers them some of the rather small, lemon-scented kitchen bags that she and Claire had purchased. Since they don't seem thrilled by the bags, she suggests cutting the body into small pieces and (taking a long hit off the joint) using the kitchen garbage disposal.
Karin then starts demonstrating all of the uses for her newly acquired limb, including various poses (middle finger, peace, etc.) and using it as a roach clip.
Apparently, that sends Claire over the edge. She is convinced that the whole team is utterly insane and she needs to be away from them. A knock at the door brings salvation. It is her contact from the racetrack and she grabs her passport (just in case) and leaves with him after telling the team that the bodies need to be gone when she returns.
Personally, I would have been torn between shooting them all and somehow managing to get Cornball involved (now THAT would have been funny).
Anyway, Karin and her joint are trying to get the window clean. She notices that the street seems awfully quiet. Nobody in Curitiba seems to be walking a dog, going for a jog, or simply walking down the street. She tells the boys that trouble may be on the way.
Carefully, (Nun)Chuck and Rossi open the door. They peek out into the hallway, one head on top of the other. A large mirror has been placed near the elevators so the police can look down the hallway.
The boys quickly duck back into the apartment.
The phone rings and (Nun)Chuck answers. It's the police. They want Jacques, the International Terrorist, to leave the apartment and give himself up.
The boys decide to throw the bodies out the window. (Nun)Chuck first breaks the glass with a table and then they throw the Latinos out.
Karin tucks her third hand into her shirt and heads toward the service elevator. The police quickly direct the 'former hostage' to the back of their setup for medical treatment due to the large amount of blood on her.
Meanwhile, (Nun)Chuck is trying to break through the wall to the neighboring apartment. Rossi has broken the gas line and the low hiss of escaping natural gas fills the apartment. (Nun)Chuck has managed to deeply plant his leg into the insulation between the walls. Deciding that he needs help, Rossi charges and pushes. After several attempts, they manage to make it into the neighbors' apartment, as the police, prompted by the sound of crashing glass and other bizarre noises throw a grenade into the apartment. An explosion follows. The boys run out of the apartment, along with their stunned neighbors. The police see (Nun)Chuck and grab him to ask about Jack. Rossi, covered in crumbled dry wall, walks past them and out into the street.
Karin has also managed to wander away, with only couple of joints, a dismembered hand and an English to Portuguese pocket dictionary to keep her company. Unfortunately, her passport, money and cell phone have just blown up. Fortunately, she is stoned and she doesn't care.
Rossi calls Claire. Cursing herself for not turning off her cell phone, Claire answers.
It's Rossi. 'So, like, don't be mad.' Claire tells him that she hears the fire trucks. He apologizes for the lost deposit on the apartment. She instructs him to find Karin, knowing that she will end up in a bar somewhere.
Claire has called the anonymous men who like to know when everything has gone to shit and they tell her to have (Nun)Chuck and Rossi get the targets (the Russian with the money and the Brazilian with the drugs) into the open at the racetrack at 2:30pm the next day. She and Karin will use transmitters that will be provided to them to relay the targets' positions to the appropriate parties.
Meanwhile in Paris, Jack calls me and tells me we have to leave the country for a few days. I start to ask where we are going, but I know we are going to Brazil (having received a collect call from a really wasted Karin earlier). Jack wants to place a bet on the race, but I tell him no. He starts to protest that I'm not the boss of him, but then he remembers that I am (tee hee).
That evening, Jack and I are traveling, Claire is relaxing in a nice camper, having procured separate and definitely not as nice sleeping arrangements for the rest of the team, Karin is protecting her stash and her hand from the pilfering attempts of (Nun)Chuck and Rossi is trying to figure out how to steal the car full of money that he spotted earlier in the garage area.
The next day, the team is in place. Karin, having managed to stay semi-sober, is watching Rossi so to relay his target's location and Claire is doing likewise with (Nun)Chuck.
At 2:15, (Nun)Chuck decides to pick the pocket of his target, one Roberto Cisneros. He makes it through Cisneros's bodyguards and rips the pocket right out of the man's jacket. The stunned Cisneros simply stares as a line of bodyguards runs after the nimble ninja.
(Nun)Chuck turns to see a bunch of men running towards him. He leaps over the thin center, attempting to land gracefully on his feet on the other side. This plan would have worked brilliantly, had not one of the bodyguards reached up and grabbed his foot, causing (Nun)Chuck to plummet from his classic martial arts pose to land face first in the dirt.
Deputy Double Tap, who has been called in to take care of (Nun)Chuck's target takes the opportunity to shoot Cisneros while he is alone and unprotected. Although infected with Jack's disease (a now known phenomenon that affects assassins whenever Jack's name has been somehow associated with the job), and initially only damaging Cisneros's hairdo, he shoots again, and Cisneros drops to the ground.
His bodyguards, realizing that they may have made a tactical error, jump off of (Nun)Chuck and run back to their now-deceased paycheck.
(Nun)Chuck takes the opportunity to run the other way.
The German in Karin is totally offended that this has occurred at 2:15, rather than the clearly stated 2:30. However, she realizes that no opportunity may exist at 2:30, given the circumstances and radios the location of Rossi's Russian target to Jack telling him to pretend it is 2:30.
Jack actually manages to place three shots in the target's head (I guess Deputy 'Do-Messer used up the Jack shot for the mission).
Rossi sees the opportunity to steal the money car and jumps in. One of the Russians begins shooting at him and Rossi takes off. Once he has managed to get safely away from the racetrack, he checks out his take - approximately $26 million in various currencies, bearer bonds and other untraceable monetary tools. He deposits the cash in four equally divided Cayman accounts for the team members and arranges to transport the rest of the items to a place where he can have someone more versed in money laundering help him liquidate them.
All in all, I think the team came out of this mission with some valuable new acquisitions: Jack - confidence, because all of his shots hit, Claire - new insight into how sick and twisted her co-workers really are, (Nun)Chuck - a new appreciation for drywall, Rossi - lots o' cash, and Karin - a dismembered hand that she plans to have stuffed so she can use its fingerprints later on.
And me? Well, I got a really good laugh. What more could I ask for?