So, now that Jacques, the international terrorist, is reportedly dead, I have my life back. ISIS is supplying me with new papers. All I have to do is go to Monte Carlo and wait for Vince and (Up)Chuck to deliver them. Paris, who is still doing the European tour thing, is there to watch how things go.
I am surprised at the speed with which Vince and (Up)Chuck arrive at my room. They have managed to arrive in Europe without being stopped by customs on either side of the Atlantic. I am even more surprised that the envelope containing oodles o’ cash has not been disturbed by Vince/Jack/Jacques!!
(Up)Chuck, eager to not contract any illness while here, wants to go right home, but Vince is drawn to the casinos like (Up)Chuck to a stripper named Bambi, so he entices (Up)Chuck to stay using images of topless beaches. Now that they are staying, we go to my favorite Monte Carlo dive-type watering hole to celebrate. While we are there enjoying the local suds, I spot one of Renee Barbour’s hired hands. He makes a derogatory comment about (Up)Chuck’s suit and matching bullet proof vest. (I like this guy.) He throws me a bottle of beer. (I really like this guy!)
(Up)Chuck, who is suffering from dress discomfort and a faint rumbling in his stomach due to the smell of alcohol, is falling asleep in his designated driver soda. Vince and I send him on his way (he was a drag anyway - all that complaining about the medical care in France), continue drinking and make our way back to our respective hotels.
This may surprise you, but Paris, the agent, not the city, has a lovely evening.
The next day, (Up)Chuck gets up bright and early to go to the topless beach. The rest of us wisely sleep in.
That evening, we all go to the casinos. As we are arriving, two Bambi type chicks are also coming in to the casino. (Up)Chuck charges in after them, knocking over an employee with a plate of chips. After we dislodge the this-is-not-a-potato-chip from (Up)Chuck’s throat and congratulate him on an outstanding new approach to getting a girl’s attention, (Up)Chuck engages in conversation with the girls.
At that moment, an ear-piercing shriek shatters the silence as well as several glasses and chandeliers. Apparently, Vince/Jack/Jacques/Jason forgot to lock the closet that contains his skeletons. The librarian Arlene comes running up, (Up)Chuck escapes to a quiet room with the girls, and Paris uses a towel to wipe off the blood from the hand that is holding her shattered champagne glass (this is the closest thing to combat damage that Paris has taken in quite a while).
Vince is desperately trying to convince the librarian Arlene that he is not Jason Aqualung, librarian, nor is he the person who called her (collect) repeatedly during a drunken binge in Paris, the city, not the agent. He tells her that he is Vince Larkin, stockbroker, and I am his fiancee. I thank him for proposing to me in a crowded Monte Carlo casino and ask him how much it’s worth to him to get rid of the librarian Arlene (no, not that way). With a promise of payment, I convince the librarian Arlene that she is much better off without him, as he is suffering from a multiple personality disorder and various social diseases, including Syphilis. I, of course, am his nurse.
(Up)Chuck, meanwhile, is getting all googly-eyed about Miss Kim Young (and despite her last name, somehow manages to overcome the incredible urge to ask for her ID to make sure she has in fact reached her majority). She asks if he is her Galahad, and he replies, "sure."
Vince and I make our way to the blackjack table so he can get his fix.
Paris is wandering the room in search of an eligible (or not) man.
(Up)Chuck and his new friend leave the casino. As they approach her limo, she shivers and says she is cold. The chivalrous (Up)Chuck gives her his coat. She hands him her coat check ticket and asks him to go back in and get her coat.
(Up)Chuck comes back outside and is stunned to see that Ms. Young is no longer there. He checks her coat pocket and notes that there are several flat items sewn into the lining of the coat and also finds a business card for a hotel. He goes to the hotel in search of Ms. Young. Now, it may be bad to be left standing on the street, but to go and ask for Miss Kim Young only to be told that Mr. Kim Young is not in his room will truly strike a blow to an inflated male ego. (Up)Chuck deflates slightly and returns to the casino to find us.
He finds me and gives me his version of the events so far. I look at the business card and notice that it says Lancelot, not Galahad, and wonder if (Up)Chuck is suffering from knight confusion.
We go to my hotel room and I rip the seam of the coat, despite (Up)Chuck’s objections. There are several Oriental passports all stamped with legal exit visas.
I call Paris, the agent, not the city, and ask her to come to my hotel room.
Vince was about to spot someone when the game master suffered from an non-fatal, yet injurious chair tipping. So Vince didn’t see anyone.
Paris, the agent, not the city, arrives at my room, and I give her a run-down of the events: (Up)Chuck has agreed to be some sort of a courier for a woman who may be a man because he is suffering from knight confusion, and he looks stunning in his new coat. (Up)Chuck breaks the mirror in my bathroom. Now if I was having a (k)night like (Up)Chuck’s, the last thing I would want is seven more years of bad luck …
Paris, the agent, not the city, returns to the casino to get Vince. He is very unhappy at the interruption in his gambling but returns to the room anyway. He comes into the room and tells me that he was followed, but he lost his tail. For some reason, I doubt that.
I relate the events to Vince, and (Up)Chuck asks for help. I ask how much money he has at which time (Up)Chuck, in an attempt to stave off the mirror-breaking instant karma effect, leaves fifty dollars to cover the replacement cost and storms out of the room. I look at Vince and say, "he’ll be back."
Paris, the agent, not the city, returns to her hotel.
While Vince and I engage in a challenging game of Go Fish, (Up)Chuck is awakened from his slumber by the soft sound of someone landing on his balcony and smacking the head of his companion who has not-so-softly landed on the balcony. (Up)Chuck sets up a dummy in the bed (who will surely be mistaken for him) and hides next to the window as the two intruders cut through the glass.
The first Ninja intruder flings Chinese throwing stars into the head of (Up)Chuck’s dummy and enters the room. (Up)Chuck hits the second intruder in the head and pulls a Jack vs. Monique, killing the Ninja instantly. (Up)Chuck manages to catch the body before it falls to the floor to use as a shield. The GM demonstrates one of the Ninja’s moves with a table, causing Sheila/Sue to take some bruising damage.
After a bloody battle, both Ninja and (Up)Chuck end up unconscious on the floor (if synchronized loss-of-consciousness becomes an Olympic event, there are several contenders for the team here in Monte Carlo). Fortunately for (Up)Chuck, he wakes up first.
At 4:00 am the phone in my room rings. I answer the phone to hear (Up)Chuck ask, "how much?"
I call Paris, the agent, not the city, and tell her that we are going to (Up)Chuck’s room to see the dead, the unconscious and the bleeding.
Vince and I head to (Up)Chuck’s room along with the tails that he "lost" earlier (mental note: revise training recommendation for Vince from last mission). Not having any crowded tourist attractions (because that worked so well last time) to lose them in, and figuring that they already know where we are going, we continue to the hotel.
Upon arriving at the room, we note one dead Ninja in the corner and one unconscious one tied up on the bed. (Up)Chuck goes to the bathroom to clean up while Vince rouses the unconscious Ninja with a friendly sternum rub. The Ninja shows his gratitude by head-butting Vince into unconsciousness. I inform (Up)Chuck that the intruder is awake and (Up)Chuck comes back and knocks him out again. I throw water on Vince to wake him up and turn to see (Up)Chuck stabbing the dead Ninja with the unconscious one’s knife-holding limp hand. Vince begins to pack his stuff while yelling at (Up)Chuck that he is NOT going through the whole Europe-on-the-lam thing again. They put the wounded Ninja back on the bed and I suggest that they tie him to the bed this time. Instead, they hog-tie him. When he awakens again, they question him, but he appears to only speak Chinese. Vince throws alcohol on him and whips out a lighter, but the guy doesn’t seem to speak Zippo lighter, either. (Up)Chuck, to Vince’s dismay, then dilutes the alcohol with water and grabs the electrical cord from the lamp. Unfortunately, the bed is too far away from the electrical outlet for the cord to reach.
While (Up)Chuck and Vince bicker and argue over ‘oo should get rid of the bodies, I take a mental inventory. I have one Ninja who is dead from a blow to the nose and has multiple stab wounds, one who is covered in water diluted alcohol, a nice neat hole in the window, a pillow that is full of throwing stars, a frayed lamp cord, an assassin with a large lump on his head and a protector-person who wants to throw the bodies from the window, hoping that a fall from the second story would finish them off.
After weighing the merits of hacking the bodies to pieces and sneaking them out in suitcases vs. dumping them in the water, we decide on the latter. Pretending that we are drunk, we prop the Ninjas up and take them to the water.
Paris slumbers away contentedly in her luxurious hotel room.
We get some rest and return to my favorite watering hole in search of Renee’s hired hand. He isn’t there, so we go to the waterfront in search of his yacht. I find it and pay $5000 to enlist Renee’s help in finding the intended passport recipient, only to figure out that the girl must have said Lancelot, not Galahad. So, (Up)Chuck’s knight confusion cost us $5000.
I call Paris, the agent, not the city, and tell her to meet us for dinner at the hotel that I think is the most likely place that Luke Devereaux, aka Lancelot, will be.
At the restaurant, Paris and I go to the ladies’ room to discuss my idea about Lancelot. I describe him to her. Back at the role-playing table, Vince/Pat has rolled an 01 for a random encounter, thus bringing everybody in the near vicinity to our restaurant.
As we are leaving the ladies’ room, we spot several Oriental persons and my favorite Interpol agents in the lobby. I turn my back on the Interpol agents and follow the Oriental persons toward our table. Paris, the agent, not the city, has her trouble radar on and goes in the opposite direction. She spots a man fitting the description I gave her sitting at a table with his wife, Maggie. She heads toward the table.
I return to the table to see Vince holding a menu in front of his face, because he has spotted his old buddy, Mulroy - the man who tried to have us killed. (Up)Chuck has spotted more Oriental types heading in from the opposite direction.
So, Paris, the agent, not the city, is heading toward Luke and Maggie. Vince has armed himself with table salt. And (Up)Chuck has his newly acquired throwing knives ready.
Jack/Vince, while aware that two people are approaching from behind him, is hiding from Mulroy who is heading toward him menacingly, two sets of opposing Oriental organized family types are coming from opposite directions, and three Triad thugs are approaching from the bar. Jack turns and throws the salt at the two people behind him. The girl turns the table salt into finely granulated salt with several expert karate chops as the guy grabs Vince’s outstretched salt throwing hand and flings him toward the bar, where Vince attempts to order a whiskey and a Zippo lighter. (Up)Chuck turns to take on the two behind him. I dive under the table and yell "gun."
Vince engages in hand-to-hand combat with the girl behind him and I take several bruising points as (Up)Chuck crashes through the table I am under after being kicked by his opponent. The two males from the opposing pairs begin fighting.
Paris, the agent, not the city, is unable to catch Luke and Maggie’s attention as they fly past her in search of the person who yelled "gun." Unperturbed, she heads to the salad bar.
Vince is taking damage from his opponent as (Up)Chuck is deftly avoiding his. The two Oriental males are beating each other to a bloody pulp. I roll well enough to roll out of the way, but not well enough to trip the girl who is going after (Up)Chuck.
I have had the presence of mind to not let go of my bottled beer, so I hit the girl over the head with it right after (Up)Chuck lands several punches and knock her out.
Luke and Maggie arrive on the scene. Luke is going to show his prowess at knife throwing, but bangs his outstretched knife-holding hand on the corner and drops it (and since this is not a Jackie Chan movie it makes it to the final cut - not the out-takes!) Maggie begins shooting the three Triads who are just arriving from the bar.
I turn and hit Mulroy over the head with my handy dandy broken bottled beer. (Up)Chuck feels his stomach heaving at the smell of his Beck’s covered clothing. The two Oriental males and Vince and his opponent receive 9.8s on their synchronized loss of consciousness. Maggie kills several Triads and a couple of bottles of wine.
Mulroy hits me for 11 points of bruising damage and I knock him out with another blow to the head and a knee to the groin.
Luke and (Up)Chuck engage in hand-to-hand contact. Unfortunately, (Up)Chuck ducks into Luke’s attack and gets knocked out, but this isn’t a singles event, so he is disqualified from the loss of consciousness event.
The Interpol agents have finally arrived and yell "freeze." Luke and I ignore them and have a conversation while Maggie-with-the-gun splits. I tell him that we were trying to return the passports to him. We agree that we need to leave, but I also need to get (Up)Chuck and the now-supposedly-deceased international terrorist Jacques out before they realize who he is. Luke gets the male agent’s gun and knocks him out, but I blow three rolls and fail to get her gun away. Two blows to the head with my notched beer bottle fail, as well. Luke finally takes care of her.
I go to wake up Vince, and Luke nudges (Up)Chuck, who thinks he is still in the heat of battle. He grabs Luke’s foot and throws him. (Up)Chuck triumphantly holds up Luke’s boot as Luke crashes through the intact table behind him.
I convince (Up)Chuck to return Luke’s boot and stop fighting.
Finally, we manage to escape before the police arrive.
Paris has a delicious salad.
Revised Training recommendations:
Vince:
(Up)Chuck:
Paris:
Sheila: