So, it's da middle of summer an' I'm lookin' fuhward to bein' out on da street, checkin' out da young scantily clad women. I've passed 'hump-day' with little trouble an' I am makin' plans for da upcomin' week-end. Ding's have been quiet for me since most of da trouble dat usually gets attracted to me hasn't been around. Dey, I say they 'cause da trouble takes da form of persons. Now these persons have been mostly in Europe with a quick stop in New Yawk, upstate – way upstate – Canada. Well almost Canada, might as well be. Dey, I'm talkin' about them still, also made a stop in Florida. Dat trip was mostly a quick visit to Disney World an' da Front page. We'll discuss dat some ud-da time. My point is dat 'they' have been out of my jurisdiction for a little over a year.
Oh, by da way, I says to myself, self you haven't introduced your self. I'm James Antos, retired New Yawk City police detective. I now work, if you can call it dat, I call it mostly repair work – like a service-man. No, not an army or military type, a repairman – like your plumber. So anyways, I work for a company called I.S.I.S., which is actually an ackronem, or some such word. What dat means is dat da letters stand for somethin'. As I was sayin' I.S.I.S. means International Security an' Investigative Soivices, not da Egyptian Goddess, though da Boss-man, 'himself' as dey say. . . Oh right, I was talkin' about 'they'. Let me finish about 'himself' first. He happens to fancy 'himself' da type dat attracts modern-day goddesses, ya know, good lookin' women. Which, I says to myself – self; you gotta hang around dis guy as maybe you'll pick-up a stray.
Of course, when you hang-out with goddesses you tend to attract da 'evil ones'. Sounds like a movie or somethin', ya think? Anyhow, I was to tell you about them, or as I said earlier, 'they.' Not dat 'they' are evil-ones, but dis one guy wears black all da time an' worries me a little. So, dis guy who wears black is an Asian of some sort. I know what you're thinkin', your thinkin' I don't know an Asian when I see one – some Detective! Well I think I would know a Japanese, Chinaman, Filipino or even a Vietnamese if I saw one. Well, dis guy, who appears Amerasian, can't seem to make up his own mind. Dey, we're back to 'they' again, call him Chuck. Then there is another dude – I say 'dude' 'cause dat's what he says himself. Here's another confused guy. He wears sunglasses almost all da time, even in da dark. He has an annoyin' habit of sayin' 'dude' one time too many an' he's into cars, not as transportation or even da beauty of custom cars (if I can say beauty widdout anyone questionin' my manhood). His is almost a 'relationship' with cars – If ya know what I mean? So I says to myself, self dis guy must be from southin California right? Wrong! Some detective I am. Dis Dude is from upstate New Yawk! Must be da beginnin' of some Canadian invasion – ya think?
Of course these two are dramatically set apart from da last of da 'theys', Emma. Now Emma is classy chick. She is involved wit' Flash, a high fashion photographra', an' she is d'apparent leader of da aforementioned 'They'. I like Emma as she has neva appeared to be one operatin' under da shadow of 'himself.' I believe she may have even coined da 'himself' moniker. I could be mistaken, but it seems like somethin' she would say about da over-boss. See she, Emma, doesn't believe she owes or needs anythin' from 'himself'. Now dat I gotta like in a woman. So my point is da 'they', an' dey are Emma, Chuck an' Dude, who, by da way, is called Rossi. As I said earlier, I think, dey are in town – da Big Apple, a.k.a. N.Y.C.
As I was in da beginnin' plannin' stages of my week-end I got a beep from da office. Dey need me to pick-up a few dings an' get them to Emma. Dis seemed okay to me until I got da list. I reviewed said list an' said to myself, self – 'they' are plannin' a break-in somewhere. Dey need rope, climbin' equipment, lock pickin' stuff an' some specialty stuff for makin' imprints of keys. Da toppa' on da list was a local police radio! So I says to myself, self – da office asked you to pickup da supplies an' a local cop radio 'cause I'm da cop. Da office was kind enough to let me know dat 'they' were or would be operatin' in New Yawk's Chinatown. So I went to da local precinct an' after a discussion - more like a movie trivia contest - with da cop on da desk, da little guy finally let me up to da squad, dat's da Detective Squad for those of you Un-Educated in cop talk. I manage to con da guys outta' da radio, but I'm told I must return it by Monday. By which time, so I'm told, 'they' should be done.
Now I've got all da goodies an' don't know where 'they' are. So I call da office an' dey, da office not da 'they', tell me I can get in touch wit' Emma. As it toins out Emma is bunkin' in wit' Flash – Suhprise, duh! So I head ova' to Flash's, in Chelsea. Of course I says to myself – self, what if dey, Emma an' Flash, are not so inclined to answer da door? What should I do? Well, interrupt of course! Turns out I didn't interrupt anythin' as apparently Emma had plans to meet them, da aforementioned Chuck an' Dude, for sushi downtown. It foither turns out dat Dude is followin' one of da suspects in their caper, who just happens to be a Flash Studio's Model. Go figure. An' Chuck, well Emma doesn't seem to know where Chuck is. Apparently he is some sorta acupuncturist an' is shoppin' around down in Chinatown for office space. So, Emma has these dinner reservations for sushi an' asks me to join her. I says, self – it doesn't get any better than dis, me, I get to have dinner at company expense in some posh downtown eatery, cause Emma would neva' go light, wit' a beautiful woman an' no troublesome evil thems anywhere. So you see I quickly accepted. Only my dream date was once again shattered by da revelation da reservations were for three an' Flash, naturally, will come along. Back ta bein' da tiod wheel.
As da toid wheel I kinda figure I get to balance dings out for everyone. On dat note Emma brin's me up to speed an' what I'm about to tell you is in da strictest confidence.
A small team of them has been assigned to retrieve several Faberge Eggs from a guy's safety deposit box in a Chinatown bank. Da client, a Mr. Michael Killian, has hired I.S.I.S. to retrieve these stolen Faberge Eggs from a reputed Chinese Triad Boss named Li-Chiou Chen so he, Killian, may donate da eggs anonymously to da Museum of Art, uptown. Da team met with Mr. Killian an' two of his compatriots, a Frank Johnson an' a Jay Simons. Now Frank appears to be Mr. Killian's right-hand man, while Jay seems to have some sorta' inside information on da Bank an' da location of da required eggs. Jay's girlfriend, it seems, either worked or knows someone who works in da bank where Li-Chiou has his safety deposit boxes. Accordin' to Jay, through Mr. Killian, da Faberge Eggs are in Box 577. Da team set about investigatin' da bank an' Mr. Killian.
Da Team went to da bank an' Chuck acted da part of an Asian businessman while, surprisin'ly, Emma took on da part of Mr. Chuck's personal assistant. I say surprisin'ly, 'cause I would have suspected dat Emma would have pulled off a more convincin' wealthy businesswoman. Turns out Chuck did rather well an' Emma convincin'ly suppawted his role. Chuck's an' Emma's plan was to case da Safe Deposit vault for security measures an' obtain their own box near 577. To their credit dey managed to secure box 587. Accawding to sources Chuck, surprisin'ly, (I'm not sure why it's surprisin' but. . .) had a good idea. Seems he wanted Emma to fawge da box number on their signature card for box 577, vise 587. Da Rossi Dude, in da mean time, canvassed da bank's lobby for security measures. Da team now knew da security layout an' da exact location of Mr. Chen's safe deposit box.
Dey, da team, must have figured dat Mr. Killian wasn't completely forthright wit' either his intentions or all possible information. Dey apparently told him dat dey, themselves, would be or should be fearful of rippin' off a Chinese Triad boss an' then donatin' his goods to a museum. His lack of concern enticed da group to look into him, Mr. Killian. Dey also requested as much information as possible on Li-Chiou Chen. What dey found out seem to cause da two, Chuck an' Rossi, a bit of excitement, but not Emma. Oh, what a professional she is. Seems Mr. Michael Killian is a multi-millionaire who owns a stockbrokerage firm, MK Brokerage. Da sight, or should I say sound, of Mr. Killian's approximate $500,000,000.00 worth gave Rossi an' Chuck some mouth waterin' ideas. I presume dey figure dey can milk Mr. Killian for some extra bucks. Oh yeah, dey also found out dat Mr. Killian's ex-girlfriend, one Jennie Lois, is some sorta' model currently workin' at Flash's studio.
Two dings I should mention here. First, dis is da girl I told you about earlier dat Rossi Dude is tailin', though I understand he calls it datin'. Da second ding is dat da mention of dis young lady an' Flash in da same sentence seems to cause both Flash an' Emma some concoin. So, I says to myself- self, I bet Emma thought dat Flash was doin' dis model an', of course, Emma, not bein' one to back down, confronted Flash with dis idea. I do believe, however, dat da two of dem worked it out – IF ya know what I mean? Yeah I know! Da reason why Emma might have thought dis is dat Jennie Lois looks a little too much like Emma herself an' could easily have been a fashion photographa's flavor of da month – see what I'm sayin'?
Emma, for multiple reasons I'm sure, put Rossi on Jennie. Flash, knowin' where his crew headed out for, told Rossi where to go. I also understand dat Rossi was a dud when he tried to call Flash by his first name, Vittorio, an' instead called him Vicki! I can only imagine. Anyhow, Rossi Dud found his way to da over-priced Chic hangout of da rich, famous an' wannabes. I'm bettin' da Dude fit into da latter category. He somehow managed to hook-up wit' Ms. Lois an' even arranged for a date, at Emma's urgin', wit' Jennie at, of all places, Bertani's – Himself's restaurant.
Da team also found out dat Mr. Li-Chiou Chen has fourteen safe deposit boxes attributable to him in da same bank. Of those 14, four are actually in Mr. Chen's name. Now here is where these two, Rossi an' Chuck, reflect some of da attributes dat would endear them to others I know in dis business. Seems da two of them have set their sights on relievin' da Chinese Mafia Boss of da contents of his others boxes. Da lovely Miss Emma has, for da moment, focused da pair on da task at hand an' if, stress 'IF', da opportunity presents itself then dey may look into acquirin' Mr. Chen's extra goods, whatever dey may be. Now, me, I says to myself – self, if I was tryin' to convince Mr. Killian of da dangers involved in rippin' a Triad, I may show some restraint in liftin' all his goods, cause dat should surely bring an angry Asian to my door! But, hey, dat's just me.
Two other ding's of import on dis caper. First it appears dat Chuck has made arrangements for an acupuncturist's office in da same buildin' as da bank. Da plan, as I know it, is for Rossi to gain access to da banks safety deposit receivin' area, where da keys are locked in a cabinet, via da buildin's elevator shaft, how cliche. Supposedly da Dude will get imprints of ALL, again I think . . . never mind, point is he'll get imprints of Mr. Chen's box keys. I also understand dat dey, da whole 'They', intend on walkin' into da bank durin' business hours an' pullin' da card for their box, which was forged to reflect Li-Chiou's box, an' lift da goods dat way. Of course dis is why dey need da key impressions. Whenever an' however dey plan on doin' dis it will be after Rossi Dude's "date" wit' Jennie Lois. I guess dey figure she'll reveal somethin' about Mr. Killian.
Da second fairly important item seems to be da eggs. Not actually da eggs themselves but their history. Between what Emma told me an' my snoopin' in da files, these eggs have travel far an' wide to get to New Yawk City's Chinatown. I'll try to briefly. . . who laughed? . . . as I was sayin', briefly sum-up da history of dese particular Faberge Eggs. About a year an' a half ago these three eggs were either stolen or traded on da black-market in Russia, somewhere around St. Petersburg. Da Western broker was reputedly a Mr. Mul-Roy. Dis Mr. Mul-Roy, it seems, was sellin' Russian art an' artifacts to Western collectors for either Russian government Officials or organized crime. Da deal was supposed to go down somewhere in or around Paris, France. Da Western logistics was to be managed by a smuggler known as Domino's, you know like da pizza delivery – get it? No, I don't find it dat funny myself. Anyhow, seems da delivery process got all fouled up in da Palace of Versailles, yeah dat's right, Versailles, it's French. Accordin' to Interpol an' other intelligent sources, not all da goods were recovered an' da Russians lost an enforcement agent on da Palace's ground's. Da eggs were supposedly part of dis shipment but remained unaccounted for.
In Istanbul, Turkey, over a year later, it appears da Russian Mafia an' possibly government officials were involved in some sort of deal wit' either, or both, da English an'/or a Hong Kong Triad, run by a Chow Yun-Im. British Intelligence seemed to put da squash on an attempted guerrilla take over of a state dinner an' recover da Royal Crown jewels, which were stolen durin' da hostage crisis. Durin' dis time a British, read really Scottish, criminal group managed to steal . . quaint . . . a Russian submarine. Apparently da Scot's needed da submarine for smugglin' drugs into dis country. By da way, remember earlier I was tellin' you about da group of 'thems' dat usually ruin my day? Well, dey are da group dat put an end to da Scottish drug smugglers. I know, I know, you think I am goin' really far off base here. I'm not , stay wit' me now.
So, originally there was an Englishman tryin' to run a smugglin' operation for da Russians. He winds up losin' his head over da whole ding. Now, in step da Chinese an' da Scots in Turkey. Runnin' artifacts, stealin' submarines an' British Crown Jewels. No-one has ever seen Chow Yun-Im an' he was neva' accounted for in da carnage of Turkey. Less than two months prior to tuhday da Scottish smugglin' operation comes to an end, here in da U.S.. Today, da here an' now, suddenly there appears in Chinatown of da Big Apple stolen Russian artifacts. An American Stockbroker, involved wit' tradin' da aforementioned Scottish company's stock wants to acquire these 'stolen' Russian artifacts from a Chinese Triad. Hmm . . . I says to myself – Self, what if Mr. Killian, whose background runs similarly to dat of a Mr. Mul-Roy, trades in a Scottish Chemical Company's Stock, suddenly is aware of Russian artifacts held by a Chinese Triad . . . what if . . .? Dat's all I'm sayin'.