At the request of Mr. Cahill I have come here to the castle to assist him in his organization and oversight of the current mission.
I am given to understand that part of my duties here include the preparation and submission of operation status reports. Further, finding that current activities are apparent residual effects of company activities in Scotland, I have requested status reports from that time frame. In this manner, I should be able to prepare documentation in keeping with precedent.
Guy Sawyer, ISIS guard and computer marvel, has cheerfully provided me with printed copies of company files relating to Scotland for my perusal…
****************
After reading more than sixty pages of reports submitted by Sheila in order to familiarize myself with format and necessary details, I understand now that it is not so much that Guy is cheerful. It is more that he has played a terrible joke on me.
It must be a joke. The only thing I have learned from these reports is that I must not, under any circumstances, go to a bar or dance club with these people!
Not wishing to disturb Mr. Cahill or appear unknowledgeable, I have consulted with Mr. Payne and Mr. Rossi and they assure me that Sheila is the best report writer on the team.
Well, it must be so, yes?
D'accord. I will endeavor to present this report in a manner to which you are accustomed…
I was happily lounging about my sparsely furnished and efficiently organized room when I received a phone call from Mr. Cahill.
It seems there is an operation underway and he would like me to join him at his current location and I should bring a book. Though I wonder where he is - I thought amazon.com delivered everywhere - I suggest "Lonesome Dove". He seems less than pleased with my choice and is finally able to communicate that I am to bring a day planner. With that cleared up, he asks how long it will take me to get my affairs in order.
Thinking my execution is a slightly excessive punishment for getting drunk on the last mission, I ask Mr. Cahill if I will be needing the day planner in heaven or in hell. He is forced to explain himself again, and I learn that what he means is that he is unsure how long the assignment will last. Pleased that I will not be terminated outside of amazon.com's shipping range, I assure Mr. Cahill that I will be ready for a car - not a hearse - to pick me up in the morning.
By lunch the next day I have arrived at Jorstadt castle - an impressive piece of island real estate owned by Mr. Diamond.
Oh, sorry… Himself.
The only thing stopping this locale from being part of a fairy tale is the threat that Prince Charming and/or Cinderella can be shot dead at any moment by one of the helicopters patrolling the island. Which is to say nothing of the armed military-types on foot patrol.
At lunch I am pleased to once again see Rich Cahill, Karin, Jack, Paris, Alex, Michael -oh, sorry… (Up)Chuck - and - wait, let me se… Yes, (Nun)Chuck. I am introduced to Annalee, a young man named Rossi and a hulk of a German man called Stefan. (At first I assume that it is in deference to Stefan that Karin will not speak English, but I deduce that cannot be completely correct since (Nun)Chuck and Rossi don't speak German. Paris doesn't either, and this I almost understand. But it continues to perplex me how a woman called Paris does not speak French.)
I take a seat beside Rich (I am sorry, but I cannot bring myself to call him Cornball, regardless of what precedent Sheila has set) and learn that I have joined a closed meeting. There are other espionage-types within the castle who either have not been invited or who have chosen not to attend - notably, Sheila.
Introductions are made and the question put forth as to what the Team would like to do: go after the woman who posed as Elise Van Buren, go after the money within Lucky Lynx Holdings, or have (Up)Chuck claim that he has fulfilled the contract on Jack and collect that money.
Surprisingly, the group does not begin speaking all at once, though, according to Sheila's reports this would be normal for them. In fact, the entire meeting goes something like this:
Stefan, in German, speaks to Karin.
Karin, in German, speaks to Cahill.
Cahill, in a drawl, speaks to Jack.
Jack, with much sarcasm, speaks to (Up)Chuck.
(Up)Chuck speaks as if everyone assembled is deaf.
Rossi speaks in a whisper to Alex.
Alex speaks in a whisper to Rossi when not mumbling to himself.
Paris does not speak at all unless spoken to directly, Annalee speaks as though addressing a courtroom, and (Nun)Chuck speaks in riddles.
By some miracle it is decided that (Up)Chuck will claim the bounty for killing Jack and the Team will commence planning to bankrupt Lucky Lynx.
In order to make (Up)Chuck's claim seem even vaguely plausible, Jack agrees to play dead while Sheila returns to Paris, the city not the agent. Someone whom the Team calls Faux Jack will be removed from prison, taken to Virginia and executed (with or without a day planner or "Lonesome Dove") and his body burned and sent to New York where it will turn up in a morgue as Jack Payne in time for the evening news.
The question of who will attend the funeral is taken up next. It is assumed that Sheila will return from France - leaving her Bonnie Prince Charlie slippers behind - in order to claim Jack's body. No, wait… in order to claim that the body of Faux Jack is Dead Jack. Paris will attend the services with (Up)Chuck and Karin will attend with Stefan. Rossi would like for me to accompany him to the funeral, but Rich firmly denies his request and I begin to wonder…
But while my mind is wondering - wandering? - something like that, Jack gets into a disagreement with (Up)Chuck about his - Jack's - ability to cover the Team at the cemetery from a sniper's perch (which he will share with some member of the military, which seems to please Paris, the agent not the city, but already I am wondering one thing and so cannot wonder about this).
Jack attempts to dump a beverage over (Up)Chuck but (Up)Chuck deflects it and the liquid disperses itself, in fairly unequal parts, over Karin, Paris, the tabletop, an armchair, and the carpet (which I later learn was bought by Himself while on assignment in Nepal many years ago and so has great sentimental value).
(Up)Chuck and Jack are - not surprisingly - informed that they will be required to clean up the mess following the meeting. Karin protests this in rapid German and Cahill explains - in slow English - that neither (Up)Chuck nor Jack will attempt to manhandle her since they are responsible for cleaning the antiques and not the women.
In response to concerns for Sheila's continued safety, it is suggested that she be placed under surveillance.
(Up)Chuck is inclined to think two men should be enough, Paris is inclined to disagree, and Cahill is inclined to call a halt to this new escalation in tension.
Rich asks if The Hand (Giscard's group of ne'er do wells) can keep watch over Sheila while she is in Paris, the city not the agent. Paris, the agent not the city, agrees to inquire.
The meeting is adjourned and Jack makes his way - slowly, due to his new limp - to Sheila's room where a great argument ensues. Sheila does not take kindly to the idea of returning to France alone and pretending that Jack is dead - although she is happy enough to learn that she actually gets to leave the castle. Many harsh words are exchanged and Sheila orders Jack out of her room.
Meanwhile, Paris is off trying to talk Giscard into talking his organization into keeping watch over Sheila. Giscard informs her he will have to check with his superiors.
Sheila, once again in possession of her gun and her passport, stops by the dining room where Jack is scrubbing the floor so that she can say Goodbye. This does not go well, and the farewells sound more final than fond.
Military-types begin creating a command center in one of the drawing rooms and a communication center in one of the tower rooms.
Giscard returns to Paris, the agent not the city, to tell her The Hand agrees to the job if their fee of one million dollars is met.
Paris goes off to find Mr. Cahill, who drains his flask of whiskey when she tells him the price. He counters with five-hundred-thousand and Paris goes off to haggle and refill the flask.
Along the way she encounters Kieran, who is overseeing the (Up)Chuck and Jack's ministrations in the dining room. She learns that "her man" has just been in the castle while she was off negotiating with Giscard. Kieran appears eager for some explanation (as to what, I can only wonder) and she agrees to have a drink with him later in the evening.
Not surprisingly, Giscard scoffs at the idea of the five hundred and after much debate Paris gets him to agree to seven-fifty.
She presents this news to Cahill - along with a filled flask - who is displeased with the price but finally admits that Sheila is worth the expense.
Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck and Jack begin bickering in the dining room and are just short of throwing sponges at one another when Kieran calls a halt to their activity and orders them out of the room.
Rossi and Alex have made their way to the bar in the game room and proceed to get plowed while (Nun)Chuck goes off in search of the exercise room - located in the dungeon. There he encounters Sgt. Tracey and mistakes him for a sniper before taking up a sword for some practice.
As the evening progresses, Sheila is finally able to leave the country and return to her neat and orderly apartment in Paris, the city not the agent, where she hastily dyes her hair a more becoming shade than eggplant and slips into her Bonnie Prince Charlie's before mixing a pitcher of martikis and settling in to watch the news.
Morning in France… and Sheila steps out of her apartment right into Inspector Clusine's overcoat. The Inspector has come to express his regrets over the death of Jacques the International Cabaret Terrorist. Sheila convincingly feigns grief and reluctantly accepts the Inspector's aid in securing a flight back to the States.
The Inspector and Andre LeCoeur accompany Sheila back to New York, where they are met by James Antos's guileless alter-ego (as he feigns being an active NY detective and feigns meeting Sheila for the first time). They proceed to the morgue where Sheila identifies the charred remains of Faux Jack as Dead Jack, and becomes suspicious of a patrolman on duty.
Clusine, LeCoeur and Antos escort Sheila to Jack's apartment since Sheila will be staying there. Le Coeur offers to retrieve Gatsby the cat from Mrs.O who regularly watches the cat while Jack is out of town and Sheila is forced to create a creative fabrication, complete with run-on sentences and parenthetical remarks, about how the cat is actually at a friend's house way way way upstate.
Back at the castle over breakfast, Annalee correctly interprets flashing yellow lights as an alert to incoming message traffic and makes her way to the comm tower where she learns that the two million dollar contract for Jack's demise has been paid - withdrawn in cash from a Swiss bank. She wakes the sleeping (Up)Chuck to share the good news.
(Up)Chuck oils and flexes, then showers and goes back to bed.
At length, the Team departs for the Faux Funeral for Dead Jack, while Live Jack - now known as Gianni Penoso - boards a helicopter with Deputy Dead-Eye and heads out to the cemetery. The boys take up their rifles and take up position high above the cemetery grounds.
For reasons no one can discern, the funeral and burial go smoothly and Jack and Deputy Double-Tap are denied the opportunity to shoot anyone, though the Deputy is sorely tempted by Jean Giscard's proximity to Paris, the agent not the city.
As they are departing the burial grounds, (Up)Chuck spots Collin Cowan - once the head honcho at the Quickening (not the Gathering). Cowan departs the burial grounds in a sedan and (Nun)Chuck is called on to pursue by motorcycle.
Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck takes the plate number from the sedan and calls his contacts at the NYPD. He learns that the car belongs to one of the precincts and was signed out by a detective.
Cowan is dropped off near a subway station in the Bronx and (Nun)Chuck is forced to leave his motorcycle outside the station and pursue on foot. Both men board the subway train, one car apart.
(Nun)Chuck calls Paris to ask if he can kill Cowan now.
Paris warns him about being so obvious on a non-secure line, then advises him to just follow and see where Cowan is going.
(Nun)Chuck is inclined to kill the sitting duck, and Paris, apparently still not wanting to speak to anyone, hands her phone to (Up)Chuck.
(Up)Chuck advises (Nun)Chuck to sit tight and he will call back. Using his own phone, (Up)Chuck calls Rich at the castle.
Since part of my job is to screen Mr. Cahill's calls, I answer, and inform (Up)Chuck that Mr. Cahill is busy at the moment. (Up)Chuck insists that it is a matter of life and death, so I hand the phone to Rich despite his displeased grimace.
Cahill tells (Up)Chuck that Cowan should be put to bed.
Good thing this message didn't go through Karin or there would be further aspersions cast on (Up)Chuck's sexual preferences.
(Up)Chuck shares the news with Paris, who firmly refuses to be the one to approve the action.
(Nun)Chuck rings Paris's phone again, looking for instructions. Paris tells (Up)Chuck the call is for him and hands him the phone. Despite this, (Up)Chuck still looks to Paris for instructions.
Paris has apparently had enough of her new role as switchboard operator and tells (Up)Chuck to tell (Nun)Chuck to "just kill him already".
Giscard, who has been listening to these one-sided conversations all along, makes his willpower roll and doesn't faint.
In the subway, (Nun)Chuck moves in behind Cowan for a sneak attack, but rumbling subways wreak havoc on even a Ninja's footing and a struggle ensues. After much grunting, huffing and cursing in both Gaelic and Koretnamese, Cowan is dispatched by Blade's… blades, and (Nun)Chuck beats feet out of the subway at the next stop, pushing through the crowd of onlookers and disappearing onto a crowded city street.
Sheila, Karin, Stefan, (Up)Chuck, Paris and Giscard make their way to Dead Jack's favorite watering hole to raise their glasses in respect. While there, two uniformed policemen enter the establishment and appear to take a head-count before departing.
Sheila orders her next beer in a heavy mug.
(Nun)Chuck returns to the first subway station to find that someone has stolen his motorcycle. He is actually surprised at this.
Once again, Paris's phone rings. It's (Nun)Chuck again, so Paris cautions him on his choice of words. (Nun)Chuck informs her the cat is on the roof.
The message is relayed to the group in the bar.
Karin immediately whips out her cell phone and calls me to insist - in rapid German - that we deploy some of the military-types creeping around the island to retrieve Gatsby from the turrets.
Back at the castle, the only thing I am wondering is how these people are going to get out of this mess…
Appropriation List for the Castle: