As Trevor wis hired as bouncer at The Garage fir the evenins, Fiona n ah huv got the daytime tae ourselves. Too bad we’ve never learned tae enjoy one another’s company. Off we gae tae various piers n docks, on the look out fir anything "suspicious"-like.
Oan the pier outside ay Glasgae, we take note ay a group ay blokes coming off a boat, the sort that services oil vessels at sea. Each ay these fellas has got a duffel bag n they’re rigged out in tidy kits n remarkably clean trainers. Good spy n scruffy sort that ah am, ah blend into the scenery. Fiona… well… she could mebbe blend if we were oan a fashion shoot but. So she’s all but standing still in the middle ay the walkway when three ay these sailors approach her. You’d think a bird like Fiona would know better than tae present herself so clearly tae a bunch of sailors, but mebbe that makes her a good spy as well. They chat her up n she ends up gaun off tae huv a pint wi them, wanderin off n watchin me tae make sure ah’ll follow. Never mind what the sods said aboot the likes ay me, off they gae while ah kip off tae MA CAR n take up position nearby tae the pub.
Fiona makes the names ay the blokes, ends up takin enough ay a shine tae one called Curtis or summat and lights off fir his flat wi him. Ah pursue in MA CAR n park aways up the lane. Ah’ve time tae kill as ah’m settin there, lookin’ aboot at aw the shiny new buildins look like they come out ay a DIY kit. So ah phone ower tae HQ n make a bit ay a nuisance ay masel wi questions. Come tae find these townhouses were assembled by a company known tae huv dealins wi Flinn. They were supposed tae be let already, but summun bought a little time from the erector set. Weel, watchin the outside ay a buildin all night long’s no my idea ay fun, so ah kippered off n back tae the flat.
She rang up thair in the morning, asked whair ah wis. Told her ah wis in the kitchen. What the hell else did she expect me tae say? Wanted tae know would ah fetch her. Ah told her tae take the bloody train. Then she wanted to know what ah wis doin – which wis nothin, but served tae remind me ah wis fallin behind in ma duties as flatmate fae hell. So ah quick ran tae the bog tae toss her crap oot the way.
Oan her return, Fiona tossed ma crap oot the way n replaced her ain. This goes oan, ye ken. After her little cleanin spree thair, she takes the time tae tell me aw she learned aboot the blokes fae the night before, which wasnae much. They work fir a company (which we can also tie back tae Mr. Flinn, surprise, surprise) servicin other boats, so they’re no always assigned tae the same ship. They go oot a few days at a time, then back a few days. The place they’re livin in is little mair than a barracks room, when ye get right doon to it. No bits ay themselves aboot, nowt tae distinguish the place fae ten dozen jist like it. They niver know what boat they’re gaunnae be workin next, n they kept solid tae their story aboot what it is they dae at sea. I dinnae huv tae tell ye we clocked tae the idea they’re full ay shite. Fiona tells me their story niver changes, one man tae the next. But she’s tae meet them up the Garage that night, mebbe learn a bit more.
Ah went oot tae The Garage early, try n be thair before Fiona n her sailors show. Ah hooked in wi a group ay mates n had a pint or two in their company, keepin an eye oan the door whair Trevor wis, and a table no too far off whair the sailors waited fir Fiona. (She come in aboot half nine and sat wi them, hopin one would get pished n change his story but they might as well huv been brainwashed.)
Ah wis enjoyin the company ay ma new mates when thairs a brawl aboot tae crank up a couple ay tables ower from whair ah’m at. One ay them bouncers turns up fae nowhair n next thing ah know, thairs Trevor, turnin the mess into an almighty swedge. Ehs throwin punches n shovin the gadges aboot when one ay them goes doon hard, aw bent up wrongways. Trevor fires off summat at the other bouncers n grabs one ay them by the nose till eh (the one wi the twisted nose) lifts the deid fella n carries him off. Trevor daes a bunk n ah dinnae see him for a good hour n a half. When ah spot him again ah figure he’s sorted oot n Fiona looks like she’s gaunnae be gaun off wi the sailors again, so ah finished ma pint n went back tae mine.
Ah dinnae ken what time it wis when ma door went. Ah let Trevor in n eh gives me the story ay what happened tae him after he killed that bloke in The Garage. One ay them hard blokes from The Quickening turned up n asked Trevor if eh could sort it oot himsel. Trevor knicked a car fae one ay the patrons n dumped the deid body ower a cliffside jist north ay the city.
Ah don’t understand this fella n ah told him so. Eh beat the shite oot ay several patrons, killin one ay them, n then eh grabs the other bouncer by the nose. What the hell wis that aw aboot, eh? But never mind. Eh’s git the next day off ay work, tae cool doon, eh wis told. (Ask me, twistin the other guys face is enough tae indicate eh wis cooled doon but.)
Ah gave him a pint n made a mad dash fir the bog tae toss Fiona’s crap oot the way. Then wis required tae explain tae Trevor the way it is between masel n Fiona. Eh gits a wicked light in his eyes n explains tae me a plan tae make Fiona mad enough tae shoot ma toes off. Ah instantly agree tae it
Next mornin, Fiona wis still at the sailor’s place n she calls tae ask what ah wis doin – which wis nothin, but served tae remind me ah wis fallin behind in ma duties as flatmate from hell. So ah quick hung up the phone n rang Trevor. We took MA CAR oot shoppin fir new wee lacey things fir Fiona – two sizes too small.
Trevor took a call fae that hard bloke fae The Quickening, called "The Mauler" or summat. Eh told Trevor tae be at the Brown Swallow pub between 8 and 10 that night n eh’d huv some new instructions.
Fiona went in ahead ay him n immediately drew a crowd, leadin me tae believe she’s not sae good at bein inconspicuous nae matter how hard she tries. Ah masel found a pub nearby tae huv a pint n watch the fitbal oan the telly.
At the Brown Swallow, Trevor meets up wi a few Quickening employees (Fiona an ah huv yet tae tell him aboot "The Crew" – we’re sorta’ savin that like.) They give him four thousand quid n a set ay car keys n tell him tae drive doon tae London the next day n tae be by the wheel at four o’clock. Eh’s tae be in position by the pay phone whair eh’ll receive a call tellin him whair tae gae wi the car. At that destination eh’s tae hand ower the contents ay the trunk ay the car in exchange fir some cash n then drive oan haim. The blokes tell him eh’s tae pick oot a name fir himsel, summat eh could answer tae. Eh chose "Joker" in case eh needed tae laugh anyone tae death. Sound.
Having snuck Fiona’s new knickers intae her drawers, ah wake at five a.m. n drive MA CAR doon to the biggest ferris wheel in aw ay Great Britain n take up position tae watch the pay phone n wait fir Trevor tae show.
Eh pulls in jist oan time n answers his four o’clock call. Eh’s met at the phone booth by a bloke who asks him fir the car keys n Trevor gives ower. The unknown bloke takes the keys, hands Trevor an envelope ay cash, n heads off, takin the car. Ah watch it gae n keep ma eyes oan Trevor, makin sure eh wis safe but.
Trevor hails a taxi n kips off. Eh phoned me no long after n asked did ah follow the car the unknown bloke got intae. Ah told him no, I dinnae. Eh said ah should huv so we could learn what it wis that wis in the trunk. Ah ask ye, huv ye ever heard ay a spy dinnae look intae the trunk ay the car they were given when they knew it had summat ay value in it? Summat eh had tae drive tae London tae pass? Shite.
Ah took the time tae pick oot a likely lookin bloke fae the crown by the wheel, n pulled oot ay ma parkin space when eh did n followed him fir quite a ways before ah went tae fetch "Joker". Ah picked Trevor up near tae the train station n drove back up tae Edinburgh wi him. Ah wis knackered when ah finally git tae my bed (too much M-1 in one day) n ah fell oan it like it wis ma salvation.
But there wis a strange smell, put me in mind of Sheila tryin’ tae explain the problem wi her carpets. A quick inspection revealed a very deid aquarium fish within my pillow casing. Ah clocked tae the fact that Fiona had found oot aboot her knickers.
Ah thought tae gae put the wee fish intae her bureau, but ah could tell fae the noise of her tryin tae be quiet that she wis still awake. Ah wis too tired tae wait her oot, so ah took the wee fishy tae the bog n cut it up into little bits n scattered them in the sink.
Nae doubt she’ll find it in the mornin. And thair’s nae chance in hell she’ll believe me when ah tell her the knicker switch wis Trevor’s idea…