Hello………..I am Paladin……………some know me as Galahad………..some as……..Arthur……..and others as……..Upchuck. That last one I really hate. I have been asked to detail all the recent adventures and miss adventures of our Elite Espionage Team. I will endeavor to do so in the most clear and accurate way I can……….Names and details may be changed to protect the innocent.
I’m going to Germany……………One might ask why Germany …Indeed I am. I have a little bit of a history with Germany something to do with a woman, a child, and an asteroid, if I recall correctly…. it’s a long story. The fact is when a man who carries a Berettta 92 f, not to mention an assortment of other firearms, with a tendency to kneecap (using said firearms) those, and I quote, " Who do not cooperate", tells you your going to Germany you don’t argue, even if you can bench press a Buick. So I’m off for a fun and strudel filled adventure in the home of Bach beer and radical political philosophies.
I arrive in Germany and find that there are no more rental cars. However a gentleman in a rather beat up taxi is willing to give me a ride. Anxious to find out what this is all about, I accept the proffered ride, five minutes and a mere 2 miles later I hear …much to my surprise "zat vill be eighty deutsche marks." Now that’s forty American dollars…FORTY DOLLARS!!!!! Pardon me but ………..That’s an outrage. As I debate the pros and cons of hurting maybe even crippling this @#$%* cab driver I notice a flashing police light, and an ambulance parked nearby in front of the hotel. I decide I should inform the authorities of this crime against my person…German police are useless, I find out, in short order. I also notice that it seems some unfortunate cab driver has been assaulted…………..I wonder why?…….I pay the @#$%* cab drive his forty stinking dollars with a friendly handshake. So friendly in fact that his face turns a lovely shade of purple with the joy he has found in this most lucrative of agreements. I also threaten his life and then send him on his merry way.
When I enter the hotel I notice Claire. She looks a lovely as ever, though be thou not deceived. Claire is an extremely proficient killer………with a sometimes-short temper. Suddenly the whole injured cab driver thing makes sense. Good for you Claire, you go girl!!! It seem there may soon be another mission casualty as Claire attempts to get Ze desk clerk, a fairly attractive young frau to understand the meaning of "house phone"…. Damn Germans don’t they speak English! Eventually, after much discussion about exactly whose house, Claire is allowed to use the phone. I flash my most charming smile and ask if there’s a room for me……….Germans don’t do charm. I get a very icy smile and a room key and warned about keeping the noise down. After carefully greeting Claire I’m off to bed.
In the morning a vigorous workout and a nice shower are a real eye opener. Then its off to the mission briefing…Present are Single Star ( Cahill )The kneecapper………Claire also known as Chabiongen the assassin with legs too die for, and myself. It seems someone has burglarized several rooms in this Hotel and left a calling card in the form of a lilac. Single Star has been instructed to investigate said break-ins using available resources. Claire and I are available and resourceful so I guess we will do. Claire is to investigate ……..you guessed it florists, and I am to contact local law enforcement and find out if they have any more details about the break- ins. I will need a car………Single Star helpfully informs me that Karen………,who runs this Hotel, will provide me with all I need……….I ask, beginning to sense my peril, if this might be the Karen of the English impaired fame? Silver Star joyfully informs me that, yes it is. He seems downright gleeful that someone beside himself must endure the pain that is…..explaining things to said German. If I went on with the discussion that ensued……I'd run out of memory in my computer ….suffice to say it was unnecessarily lengthy and involved talk of horse, beds and time delineation’s. After the painful exchange it was agreed that I would be provided with an auto "ven on became avaiable unt not a moment zooner"
When my car arrived I was off to the local Polezi precinct to see a detective about some details. Upon arrival, I was greeted by a none too friendly or useful German police officer, who after some cajoling and badge flashing summoned my contact…………..To say said contact was cooperative would be a flat out lie. However, after a few calls to various other contacts of mine he became quite amicable and even provided me with a copy of the police report. It doesn’t matter where you are the rudest of people are still subject to the whims of the "phone call". On my way back to the hotel I noticed I had a tail…..not a fluffy one, the waggly type, Instead someone in a nondescript black sedan was following my auto. After a quick call to Single Star I confirmed my suspicion that the local authorities, unhappy with my subversion of there carefully ordered system, had decided to keep an eye on me. Attempting to let my pursuer know that he had better get some remedial driver training, I disembarked my auto and walked by his car throwing a friendly, and entirely misinterpreted, wink at him. I AM NOT GAY. That out of the way I shall continue. Single Star informs me to meet him around the corner after loosing my tail. Not a problem Last thing I need is another Liqueur !!!………..another long story.
Silver Star has rustled up a German police car (yee haw!!). He informs me we are to visit someone who may know the where abouts of our lilac leaving cat burglar. (NOTE to all Germans this is not someone who burglarizes cats but instead someone who uses catlike reflexes to accomplish burglaries… see page 149 of your English to German handbooks for further).After a short and invigorating drive that involved many Germans cursing me saying farfeg nugin or something like that…….(Ill have too ask Karen for the translation…slowly) we arrived at the home of our suspects friend. Both Single Star and myself note the inhabitants of this particular block. They seem too all have a penchant for dark suits, and sunglasses. I figure they work for alphabetical organizations i.e. FBI,CIA, KGB……..NRA……..you get the point. Single Star hands me a watch and tells me too check for bugs( listening devices for those of Germanic descent). It seems this is a "bug detecting" watch…….neat. I tell him I will yawn if I detect anything and then we approach the door, a young gentleman, with a furtive air about him, answers it. Single Star Identifies himself as a German Special police officer and myself as…..brace yourself………me. He then asks for the master of the house. As our host is summoned I look down at my "bug detector watch" all kinds of things are going on there lights, whistles , I fear it may break. I yawn big as previously planned but Single Star, so into his role of being a useless German police officer, fails too notice. So I stretch big forcing the watch into his field of vision. Of course that’s when our host arrives…..he’s wearing, interestingly enough, gardening clothes and gloves. Single Star pushes my arm out of his face and identifies us again. Our Host, in a convincing imitation of someone who has something to hide, asks how he may help us. Single Star mentions the burglaries and then asks if our host might know anything about our mysterious cat burglar. Our host Informs us that he has no Idea whatever what we are talking about. Both Single Star and myself are convinced he is lying. Suddenly …….. Single Star asks why he smells lilacs. Our host, who now looks like he has something urgent to do elsewhere, tells us he grows said flowers. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm fancy that. Attempting to recover some dignity our host offers us some lilacs for our wives. I gracefully accept, expecting too find a note, hidden within, telling us where we can find our cat burglar, no such luck. After Some not too veiled threats and the classic "we KNOW who you are speech" we take our leave. On the way out furtive boy is skulking by the door so I hand him the flowers to hide behind.
Back at the hotel we find that Claire has had no better luck at the florists…….I wonder why……
So as I see it I am in Germany with an angry Texan and a deadly beauty, being assisted by anal German, in order to find a florist gone bad. I’m out forty bucks, and I have grown a tail, one who may have a romantic interest in me. It is my most fervent belief that this can only end in pain …………My stomach is already starting to cramp up. Oh well it could be worse, Sheila could be here………………….