Retirement 6

I’m writing this report in my head. Why am I not using my handy dandy Dictaphone or the ever dependable anti-surveillance pen and paper? Because I am sitting handcuffed with (Nun)Chuck in the back of Antos’s car with Antos and Jake Jake sitting in the front. An interesting turn of events, no? That’s not even taking into account the cleaning fairies, the engagement ring, Maureen running down a New York City street – topless, Paris’s mysterious travels, Cahill’s breakdown a la Sheila, and the fact that Diamond got talked into a Jack plan.

If you’re really interested in the events that took place right after I got back to Paris, check out Claire’s report. I was very impressed by it – she got all of the nicknames right (except for her refusal to call Cahill Cornball) and everything!

I’ll give you the short recap: I return to Paris only to be met outside my apartment by Clusine the next morning. He gives me the news that Jack is dead. I put on a grieving girlfriend act so convincing that I think I am going to be nominated for a Golden Globe award. Clusine accompanies me to New York where we are met by Antos, who is pretending to be active in the police department and pretending that he doesn’t know me. Clusine and LeCouer are acting so sympathetic and caring that I think they are trying to steal my award nomination. Boy, are they going to be pissed when they find out that Jack lives! Everywhere I go, including the morgue and the wake at Jack’s favorite watering hole, Irish cops seem to appear and take note of who is there.

Apparently, there was some friction between Jack and Deputy Don’t Mess with Me, but they seem to have gotten over it.

(Nun)Chuck spotted Cowan Collin leaving Jack’s funeral and follows him. He calls Paris to ask if he can kill him. A fascinating game of telephone ensues after which Paris, (Up)Chuck, Cahill and Claire (who has been called in to administrate and keep Cahill’s flask full) are left wondering exactly how much money it is that (Nun)Chuck wants for said deed and why Gatsby, the cat, is on the roof of the castle.

(Nun)Chuck follows Cowan Collin onto a subway and, even though they were not in the men’s room, kills him. He returns to the place where he parked his rented bike only to discover that it has been stolen. Then he joins the rest of the team at the ‘wake.’

So that’s where we begin today’s report. Wanting to keep up the grieving girlfriend act, I get successfully verschnookered. At some point, (Up)Chuck finds out that the team has had Ms. Dubois detained and he calls Cahill to ask for her release. Cahill agrees to release her to (Up)Chuck in return for (Up)Chuck doing a little interrogation of his own. In the first universal balance threatening event of the next few days, (Up)Chuck has a drink, before leaving to get Ms. Dubois.

(Up)Chuck oils, flexes and prepares to invade … interrogate Ms. Dubois.

Karin has finally found a replacement for Hans in the form of the very large and very German Stefan. They go to a hotel together. I return to Jack’s apartment.

The next day, there is a knock at my door at 6 am. What kind of fool would knock on my door at 6 am? I am not a morning person. I look out the peephole and see Detective Haddon of the Chicago PD. I wouldn’t have let him in, but he was holding two cups of coffee and the ever-enticing thought of caffeine works better on me in the morning than all of the drugs my stupid shrink every tried to get me to take. I put on a robe and answer the door. He marches past me and looks in every room of the apartment. I get the little bastard back in the kitchen and he tells me he wanted to make sure I wasn’t sleeping with Jack. Boy, I have been accused of a lot of things, but necrophelia?? I call him some names, none of which involve the words Detective, Mr. or Haddon. He finally leaves after telling me that his Mafia sources in Chicago tell him that they think Jack lives.

I get dressed and go to the ISIS office to call Cahill. Claire answers and offers her condolences on Jack’s demise. I tell her it is a secure line and let her off the acting hook. She puts Cahill on the phone and I relay the information I got from Haddon, as well as the fact that there seem to be Irish-American cops everywhere I go (now there’s a stretch).

Cahill tells Claire to get the team back to the castle. The ever-efficient Claire accomplishes this in record time, having already programmed all of the agents’ phone numbers into her speed dial.

Cahill then goes to Diamond to ask how the Mafia knows that Jack is not dead. Diamond calls his bud, Flash, in New York to ask him what happened. Apparently, enough people worked on Jack’s new documents for someone to get wind of the scam.

I go to Jack’s attorney to have the will read. I receive the deeds to four properties, some money and the location of his safe deposit box. I move his precious stone and coin collections to another bank and then return to the apartment. I look at the property deeds. Hmm, the apartment in New York, the house in the Parisian suburb, the restaurant and one commercial property in Paris – I wonder what that is! Mental note: check it out when I get back to Paris. I mix a batch of Martikis and go to work on Jack’s safe.

I manage to open the safe after realizing that the combination is my birthday – very secure Jack. I find some money, the veterinary records for the cats, two guns, a lot of bullets, some Russian medals – must go to the library and check them out, some blank passports, and a small velvet box. I open the box. Ooh, an engagement ring. How sweet! Wait, if it is for me, why hasn’t he mentioned it? Hmm, mysterious properties, blank documents … he has someone else on the side! That bastard! No wait, Jack has to know that I would kill both her and him, not necessarily in that order. It must be for me. How sweet. No wait, I’m still mad at him. Oh, fuck it. I can’t deal with this now… I put the box back. I then put everything else back except for one of the guns, some ammo and a little bit of cash.

The next day, Cahill has the team assembled for a brief. (Nun)Chuck asks what happened to Deputy Deceitful, who was dressed as a member of the military, which sends Cahill running out of the room, leaving the team in Claire’s capable hands. After some bustling, the team sees a muster of the military personnel occurring in the courtyard.

Some members of the team notice that Paris is absent, but Claire won’t tell them where she is.

Cahill returns and he and the group discuss the Irish connection. It is decided that they should use the twins, by clearing their name with the IRA.

(Up)Chuck has brought the less than happy Ms. Dubois with him to keep him warm during the cold Upstate New York nights and Karin happily allows Stefan to bunk with her, so that (Up)Chuck can have his love nest.

In some bar, the twins are enjoying a pint or twenty when they see some policemen come in with pictures. After realizing that they have been ID’d, they run. Sean is making tracks, but Maureen fails to get away. Being the good twin that he is, Sean comes back to get busted with her. They are told they will be transported to New York and put in a cell.

Jack has realized that I am staying in the apartment with his safe. He runs to Diamond and asks to have someone go empty out the safe and bring him the contents. Never did I think the day would come that Diamond would get talked into a Jack plan … Hee heee heeee heeeee … Okay, I’m back.

(Nun)Chuck is visiting the Orientally confused establishments in town, looking for information. He finds out that a contract has been granted to the Yakuza for a French sage. This doesn’t mean anything to (Nun)Chuck, but he calls Claire and confirms that she is, in fact, a native French speaker. She tells him that the word he is looking for is Savant. Ooh, the code name of Brat Girl! This has to be Paris’s doing. It’s brilliant. Must remember to use some of Jack’s cash to buy her a gift! (Nun)Chuck shares the information about the contract with Claire.

Emma Rose is attempting to calm down the cursing-up-a-blue-streak Flash when the phone rings again. It’s Diamond. He asks her to do a little job for him and faxes the particulars to her, including a little BTW – Sheila is there. Keep in mind that Emma and I are old friends. She agrees anyway and heads out that night.

Continuing my verschnookered grieving girlfriend act, I have passed out on the couch with the remote control in one hand and a Martiki in the other. I like Martikis!

Emma rappels down from the roof and enters the apartment. Emma, a novice in the world of Martikis, stops briefly to wonder why I am drinking toothpaste. Somehow, I manage to sleep through her little foray through Jack’s place and I wouldn’t even have known she was there, had she not cleaned up a little before leaving.

I awaken in the morning and spill my Martiki. One drawback to a Martiki, it stains really badly. I make my way to the kitchen for some carpet cleaner and realize that the place has been tidied up. Cool, Jack has cleaning fairies! No, wait. I don’t really believe in fairies. Hey, someone came in and cleaned up and they left the door unlocked when they left!

I quickly dress and run to the ISIS office to call Cahill. Claire answers and I ask her who cleaned the apartment. She seems confused and hands the phone to Cahill. I ask him who cleaned up the place. He seems confused. I know he has put me on speakerphone, but I don’t care. He insists that I am cleaning in my sleep. I tell him to find out who the maid is. He is yelling in letters and numbers – you know, DEA, FBI, CIA, GSG9, MI6 … He seems incredulous that I want him to ‘waste resources’ on finding out the identity of the maid. They keep offering the number of a psychiatrist. I don’t need another shrink. I need to know the name of the maid! What is wrong with everybody? Am I the only sane person here? After putting me on hold, Cahill comes back. He seems annoyed, but tells me that the maid will be at McSorley’s that evening. I know I suck at spy-speak, but this is ridiculous. However, my curiosity has been peaked and I will go.

Claire informs Cahill that there is a one million-dollar contract on Savant. Cahill sighs and reaches for the Tums. If this keeps up, he’s going to need that shrink’s phone number more than I!!!

Meanwhile, the twins have been driven through the night to the city. They are handed over to Antos at some sewerage plant. Sean is convinced that they are going to be shot in the back of the head and dumped in the river. They are hooded and put into Antos’s car. Sean tries to speak to Maureen in Gaelic, but there is an American in the car that speaks Gaelic and he keeps telling them to be quiet. Naturally, they begin to argue and eventually Antos throws his coffee in the back, hitting Sean.

They are finally taken to a garage – it turns out to be Flash’s place. Jake Jake offers them a deal. He asks if they would kill Cowan Collin. They readily agree before deciding that it might be a trap, at which point they deny that they would kill anyone. Jake Jake gives them a National Secrets Act to sign and tells them that if they sign and do something for him, all of their wants and warrants, both here and in the UK, will be taken care of. Hmm, I wonder if that will cover tonight’s events …

After considering this, they sign. Flash prepares them new IDs. Jake Jake tells them that all they have to do is go to McSorley’s that evening, hand an envelope to (Nun)Chuck and congratulate him. They agree.

Since I am now convinced that someone has been in my apartment, I go to put one of the guns back in the safe, since I will only take with me to the bar that night. The safe is empty. That is, it’s empty except for an Ace of Diamonds. Shit!!! And the apartment was cleaned. That means that Emma had to be the one who did it. What if I had woken up? I would likely have shot my friend! Now I’m pissed. I storm back to the ISIS office and call Cahill.

I tell him that I have discovered the identity of the maid. After hearing about the playing card, Cahill hands the phone to Claire, who is still trying to get me to call the shrink. I memorize the number to appease her.

Cahill finds Diamond and confronts him about the card. Cahill then has Claire patch the phone call through so I can yell at Diamond. I laugh at him and tell him I can’t believe he got talked into a Jack plan. This seems to upset him.

Cahill returns to his office, where the ever-efficient Claire ensures that his flask is full, although she is concerned about the fact that he is taking lots of aspirin and Tums with a whiskey chaser. That’s right – Cahill is having a Sheila-like breakdown! Wait, I’m still laughing. Okay … no, more laughter. Jake Jake is probably wondering what I am laughing at!!

Diamond summons Jack and has Kieran call me. When Jack gets on the phone, I yell about how I could have shot my friend, he might find the contents he receives a little short, and thankful as I am that Emma tidied up, the little glasses were not necessarily in front of all of the big ones. I hear Jack and Diamond arguing in the background. I finally yell for Jack to pick up the phone again. I tell him I don’t have time to listen to them argue, as I have Martikis to make, a bar to go to, and a maid to find. I hang up.

Jack leaves Diamond and goes in search of Cahill. He happens upon Claire and the freshly filled flask. Although he is salivating worse than (Up)Chuck in a strip club, Claire won’t part with the flask. Jack asks to see Cahill. Claire tells him it may not the best time, as Cahill is in a state of serious disturbance.

She goes into the office and Jack tries to follow but finds his way blocked by a military man, who is standing in front of Claire, who is now sticking her tongue out at Jack. Eventually, she takes pity on him and allows him in.

He finds a rather perturbed Cahill. Jack tries to relay the details of our phone conversation, but finds that Cahill is not keen to hear the names Sheila or Diamond at this point in time. Jack receives assurances that his Nana did not receive money or word of his death and leaves.

I go the McSorley’s. Although I already know who broke into the apartment, I am curious as to what Cahill has going on here. After all, I can just sit quietly in the corner and happily observe. I am a little bored and I am only going for a drink, so what can go wrong? Oh, did I just think that? F*#$! All right, I’ll just watch.

In comes (Nun)Chuck. Interesting. He approaches me and says ‘herro.’ He is babbling about how he is here to work, so I might want to leave. I’m safe, it’s not like I’m going to the men’s room or anything. I tell him to leave me alone and order another beer. Some guy named Tom sits next to me and buys me a few more beers. I like beer. I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. As I watch the activities in the bar, I notice a group of men consoling (Nun)Chuck on getting the brush off from me. They are obviously setting him up for something and I watch with interest. Slurrrrrrp. I wonder if I have a drinking problem. Nah, I always manage to get the liquid into my mouth. I’m foooiiiiinnnnn.

(Nun)Chuck approaches some leggy blonde and buys her a drink. Apparently, the men have offered to buy him drinks all evening if he gets her to stay and drink the whole time. (Nun)Chuck tells them yes, since he’ll be coming into some money that evening. The men appear very interested.

As (Nun)Chuck is enjoying the view, the Twins arrive.

Cahill, Annalee and Claire are crowded around a radio listening to a transmission from Jake Jake and Antos, who are parked outside the bar. They announce that the twins have arrived.

(Nun)Chuck sees the twins and loudly calls to them by name. All of us notice several heads turn with interest when they hear the names. Sluuuurrrrppp.

The twins pay (Nun)Chuck and congratulate him.

Apparently, Leggy Blonde wanted to see which of the two men was more excited by her. Maureen appears disgusted and, while not wearing one herself (this turns out to be a mistake later on), attempts to instruct Leggy Blonde on the finer points of bra wearing.

One of the men in the group that made the deal with (Nun)Chuck, leaves with cell phone in hand.

"A man just came out and made a phone call."

Two uniformed policemen enter the bar and look in the direction of (Nun)Chuck, Sean and Maureen. They nod and leave. Sean and Maureen, who were about to flee the bar due to a conditioned run-from-the-police response, settle back down with their beer.

A short time later, two men come into the bar with a picture in hand. As they only have one picture, I surmise that they are looking for (Nun)Chuck.

"Two detectives have just arrived."

Hey, something’s fishy here. Is Cahill setting (Nun)Chuck up?? Why are the twins here? Is Cahill setting them up? Why am I here? How pissed is he at me?

The first man approaches and puts his hand on (Nun)Chuck’s shoulder. (Nun)Chuck pushes the man’s hand away causing not a little amount of pain to the man. The second man draws a gun and points it at (Nun)Chuck. (Nun)Chuck deftly grabs the man arm and keeps a hold on it with the gun pointed away from him.

Maureen, bemoaning the lack of handy bread knives, has grabbed some utensils from the table to use as weapon and she and Sean are backing out of the way.

The first man goes after (Nun)Chuck again, but (Nun)Chuck uses his Ninja death grip on the second man’s arm to move him out of the way while kicking the first man in the head.

"There seems to be some sort of scuffle going on."

(Nun)Chuck’s original four friends are now approaching the group. Two have drawn weapons. (Nun)Chuck kicks the closest man with a drawn weapon and breaks the man’s hand. I am fairly confident that the one thing I will be totally successful at right now is pushing/shoving/falling, so I shove the man in front of me into the group of four. He hits the other man with the drawn weapon, causing the man’s shot to go wide and miss (Nun)Chuck. Wow, I saved (Nun)Chuck’s life – doesn’t that make him my slave for life or something? Imagine that, my own Koretnamese slave … no, it’s a bad idea, he can’t understand why I actually cook my fish…

Sean has stolen the gun from one of the other guys and is shooting high to slow things down. The last man punches Maureen in the face. After seeing this, Sean shoots the man’s legs off (at the kneecaps, naturally). Maureen, who was delivering several punches to the man’s groin, realizes that she is the only thing keeping the man off of the floor and drops him.

I see one of the men trying to take aim, and shoot him. Or I would have, had my gun not become Schmuckered. Damn.

Meanwhile, (Nun)Chuck has finally treated me to some of his acrobatics by leaping up, grabbing the ceiling fan and using its momentum to propel himself into a front tucked somersault and out the front window. The window shatters and (Nun)Chuck falls to the ground. All of the judges join the East German in deducting more than half a point for the fall on the landing.

The stunned (Nun)Chuck hears shouts of "Freeze," "FBI," and "police!" He freezes – after all, it is March in New York.

Maureen and Sean, realizing that (Nun)Chuck has left, run for the back exit. Maureen is making up for her lack of speed in Boston, but turns and realizes that Sean is not behind her. Sean has mistaken the men’s room for the kitchen. What does that say for the food here? Mental note: move the bathrooms farther away from the kitchen at Chez Sheila’s.

Two cops are firing into the bathroom when Maureen emerges from the kitchen. She grabs two kitchen knives and throws them, killing one of the cops and wounding the other. Momentarily stunned that she actually hit them, she stares for a minute.

I see that a bunch of cops are about to shoot at Maureen and look for a diversion. I know, I can shoot one of the … Shit! I forgot to unjam my weapon! I shouldn’t have had that eighth beer. ‘S okay! I took demolitions school. It’s worked for me so far, right? I mean the hotel in Curacao didn’t need the top couple of floors and wasn’t the jet fuel explosion at the upstate airport spectacular? Good, a plan.

I find a drink, stick a napkin in, light it and … well, as we demolitions experts would say I fail to cause proper ignition. Actually, I drop it. Hey, that wasn’t in the script! Don’t I get another try? Fortunately, all of the cops miss Maureen who finally realizes that Sean is not there and runs out again.

A cop is chasing her and grabs the back of her shirt, which tears. Maureen, driven on by the cold wind against her skin catches up to Sean, who is astonished to see his braless, shirtless, bare-chested sister running past him. He takes his shirt off and gives it to her. Two cops approach from the other direction, shake their heads at the sight before them and continue on.

Back in the bar, I am feeling toasty warm. Maybe that eighth beer wasn’t such a bad idea… Wait, that’s not what’s making me warm. It’s the fire. Oh, okay. FIRE????? A really pretty stream of blue flame is quickly making its way across the floor. Okay, new plan. RUN!!! There is a huge bottleneck of people trying to get out of the front door, so I jump through the window that (Nun)Chuck so kindly removed for me. Unlike (Nun)Chuck, I understand the importance of landing on your feet and make a beautiful 10.0 landing on the street – right in front of Jake Jake and Antos.

Antos grabs (Nun)Chuck and Jake Jake handcuffs me causing no small amount of bruising. That’s it. First, he bangs my head in Scotland. Then he grinds his hand into my wound Upstate. Now this. We’re no longer even. I know with a certainty that the beer mug I hit him with in Scotland was not nearly heavy enough. Keep smiling Jake Jake, I can wait. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Hey, Sheila’s Revenge. I can add that to the menu at Chez Sheila’s! Must come up with ingredients…

So, that brings us to now. I wonder if I’ll need a lawyer. I’m trying to remember the phone number of Jack’s attorney, but the only number I can think of is 212-555-HEAD – the phone number of the fucking shrink that Cahill and Claire are trying to send me to.