I’m writing this report in my head. Why am I not using my handy dandy Dictaphone or the ever dependable anti-surveillance pen and paper? Because I have been shot, abducted, bound and gagged with duct tape (I hate duct tape), and am now being held on some stupid oil rig off the Scottish coast. Does this sound familiar? Anybody else seeing an annoying trend here?
I am perturbed. I have lost my lost list (which is now too long to remember); the list of potential kill/injure/maim victims is no longer in descending order, it is one long horizontal line; and I do not have a copy of Paris’s Guide to Lovely Abductions (although she does assure me that no abduction is truly lovely).
Back to the beginning: while I am checking the local sites for likely Jack-spotting locations, the team, including Karin, Stefan, Rossi, Alex, (Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck and Jake Jake, has been moved to Corey’s keep, which is now an MI6 safe house. (I have it on good authority that a certain Fed is quite taken with his double the fun nickname, and has stopped calling himself Simon Timothy in favor of the more frivolous sounding Jake Jake.)
Anyway, the team has formulated a plan. (Did anybody else just feel a shiver up their spine?) (Up)Chuck calls Paris and gives her the details: Deputy Deception will be disguised as Jack and wait in a tower at the zoo. Black will use special effects to make it appear as though she’s been hit in the head. Rossi will be an ambulance driver and Karin and Alex Architect will be the EMTs. MI6 will take care of the radio calls, so the team can respond. Fiona, Trevor, Stefan, the Twins and (Nun)Chuck will be zoo tourists. (Up)Chuck will be himself. He has called the Russians and told them to be there so they can witness the assassination.
That evening, Paris goes to the keep to let Ben Black work his magic in order to fake her assassination.
Deputy Detected goes to break into the zoo. He actually gets caught by zoo security. I know, it sounds like a joke, right? What happens when the psycho ex-deputy goes to climb a tower at the zoo? No, it’s no joke. Deputy Doolittle has been snagged by the park police. I’ll pause while you laugh.
Waiting…
Okay, so he manages to talk his way out of it by telling them that he is part of a security force being sent in advance of the visit of an American diplomat. Fortunately, they buy it and he climbs the tower to wait. (I always knew he’d end up in a tower with a high-powered rifle.)
I have been searching all day for Jack. I finally go into some bar and see him sitting there. I sneak up behind him and give him a Sheila tap on the back. For some reason, he gets all tense when I touch him. Anyway, we stop at my hotel to pick up my toothbrush and a change of clothing before going back to his room.
Jack is awakened in the wee hours of the morning by sounds at the door. He nudges me. I manage not to punch him as the door crashes open. In comes a riot shield with five men holding big guns. I roll out of bed with my gun as Jack and I are shot. Damn it! There goes my happy dancing Tigger nightshirt. And my head hurts, too.
What the f*&% is this? I don’t do this shit anymore. Didn’t these idiots get the memo? I realize that they are not going to kill us if we don’t shoot at them, and we are outnumbered and outgunned. In fact, the only thing we have more of than these guys do is gaping bullet wounds. I don’t shoot.
They use duct tape (what number of the 1001 Uses for Duct Tape is this, Jack?) to gag us and tie us up. Bastards. This tape is going to dry my skin out. There goes several months’ work of nighttime moisturizing treatments.
We are taken to an offshore oil rig. Yuk. The strong smell of oil is only slightly less unpleasant than the stench inside Antos’s car. I have a killer headache and no extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin.
The next day, the team goes to the zoo. (Up)Chuck feels an old familiar rumbling in his belly. Everyone is in position as Paris approaches (Up)Chuck. As Paris nears (Up)Chuck, she also feels a strange sensation in her stomach. She asks him for one of his ever-ready handy dandy Mylanta tablets.
The team has spotted the ‘witch’ and Dr. Temple of the Peruvian mission in the zoo, as well as DEA agent Snotty Ass Dellinger, a member of the Mossaud, some Interpol agents and various other characters. They have little time to ponder this strange turn of events as a shot has just blown away part of the bench in between (Up)Chuck and Paris. (Up)Chuck jumps as Paris goes down. She has taken an uncharacteristic and totally unlovely bruising to the head and actually loses consciousness. (Up)Chuck, feeling more than slightly queasy, takes the Mylanta tablet from her hand and pops it in his mouth. The rest of the team members nod knowingly as they look at (Up)Chuck’s jello-green complexion. So that’s how he got his nickname.
The ‘ambulance’ crew goes in to action. As they are racing to the scene, Karin hears radio traffic indicating that another ambulance is responding. She breaks radio silence to inform the team.
Rossi sees the other ambulance and sideswipes it. The other ambulance crashes into the (soon to be renamed) Animal Health Center. The animals gleefully escape and run all over the zoo. A tiger is making its way toward Paris’s location.
Alex is yelling ‘tiger’ over the radio. (Up)Chuck, confused by this because the team had not selected animals as code names, is trying to answer with other types of animals, but the only word he can think of is monkey as he flashes back to having a primate point his own laser-sighted weapon at him in the Peruvian jungle.
Deputy Departing has made a really bad escape from the tower, but manages to recover and make it out of the zoo.
Mayhem has erupted in the zoo. Karin and Alex are loading Paris’s ‘body’ into the ambulance, the tiger has slowed as it approaches the team, and (Up)Chuck notices that the ‘witch’ seems to be controlling the tiger, who is now being sedated by the zoo staff.
The ambulance takes off. (Up)Chuck shoots the ‘witch’ in the hand and is stunned as he feels all of the pain of the shot in his own hand. The tiger, despite its sedated state, starts fighting its handlers.
(Up)Chuck is now hearing voices in his head. (I knew he’d end up listening to the voices some day.) It’s the witch. She tells him she is protecting him and he should shut up. With that, (Up)Chuck finds himself unable to speak, which means he can’t respond to Fiona, who has made her way toward him. They play charades, but she is playing the English version and he the American, and they are unable to understand each other. Suddenly, (Up)Chuck regains his power of speech and gets up and leaves.
The team meets back at the safe house.
(Up)Chuck calls the Russians and arranges to meet. They tell him to bring the ‘real’ shooter, thus insinuating that they know Jack didn’t do it (on account of he’s on their stupid oil rig).
That evening, Alex, Dana, Karin, Stefan and (Up)Chuck go the bar and position themselves in various locations.
The Russian, Fred Daste, comes in and sits at a table. Several more bad guys come in. One goes to the bar, Two goes to Fred’s table, and four more goons also position themselves at the bar.
Craning necks are the order of the evening as (Up)Chuck is watching Fred’s table, Deputy Diligent is watching everyone, Karin and Stefan are watching the guys at the bar, Alex is also watching the guys at the bar, and the goons at the bar are watching Fred and Two, who are watching (Up)Chuck.
(Up)Chuck approaches Fred. Fred tells (Up)Chuck that he knows (Up)Chuck is not controlling Jack, because he is. He then shows him a picture of Jack and me on the oil rig with today’s paper. He indicates that by holding me, he can make Jack do his bidding. I am a pawn to control Jack?!?!?! Are these idiots for real? They think that holding me captive will suddenly endow Jack with the ability to hit his target? Boy, are they in for a surprise.
(Up)Chuck decides not to waste any more time on cheap talk and starts punching Two. Two holds (Up)Chuck’s arm and starts spinning him around the table. As (Up)Chuck and Two are playing airplane, all hell breaks loose. Deputy Doesn’t Miss pulls his gun, only to have an earth-shattering Smuckering incident. Stefan takes out one of the bad guys and Karin and Alex shoot at One, who is heading toward Fred’s table. Deputy Dismayed re-holsters his weapon and pulls a .44 Magnum. He proceeds to hit Fred three times, despite a misfire (the wrinkle in time gets bigger), before taking out the kitchen doors. Wow, he shot a door, he must really be channeling Jack! Having made sure that the kitchen doors will not be attacking any time soon, he fires another shot at Fred – which misses (I think I feel the earth’s crust starting to fissure). Fortunately, Fred is dead. However, the stray bullet is heading toward the joined hands of (Up)Chuck and Two just as (Up)Chuck throws Two into the wall. As their hands separate, Deputy Did Miss’s shot rips into Two’s hand. Phew, that was close. Karin finishes off One, Alex kills another goon and Stefan shoots at the other two goons. Deputy Determined pulls out his Detonic’s and shoots at Two. Deputy Dumbfounded stares in horror as his shots miss. The earth is definitely rumbling. He then turns and shoots a third goon, while Stefan takes care of the fourth.
(Up)Chuck is yelling ‘where are they?’ at Two, who is shouting, ‘the oil rig!’ (Up)Chuck, in the hopes of questioning Two further, is dragging him out of the bar. Deputy Delirious is less than pleased with the night’s events and refuses to drag a bleeding man out of the scene of the crime. He reloads the .44, walks by (Up)Chuck and shoots twice at point blank range into Two’s arm, severing it from his body. (Up)Chuck is waving the arm at Deputy Deranged and yelling ‘what is wrong with you?’ Horrified, he realizes that he is pointing with somebody else’s detached limb, and drops the arm and reaches into his pocket for some stomach remedies.
As the team makes their way back to the safe house, they think about the evening. Karin is admiring the sweat on Stefan’s bulky arms, (Up)Chuck is looking for a sanitizing wipe to rid himself of the cooties from the severed limb, Alex is regretting that he did not apologize to his victim, and Deputy Disconcerted is muttering something about never dressing up as Jack again.
I am once again unhappiness embodied. I am being held captive by a bunch of M*#&$% F*&#%$& Russians in Scotland (does this seem weird to anyone else?); the most dependable shot on the team is channeling Jack big time; and the key to my freedom may lay in Alex Architect’s ability to construct a replica oil rig out of pasta products. And before you ask, no, I am not currently in possession of my beloved passport.
Mission Awards (so far):
Jack
Paris
Dana
Sheila
Alex
(Nun)Chuck
Karin
Maureen
Sean
(Up)Chuck
Jake Jake
Rossi
Claire
Cahill
Diamond