So, here I am, in a ten by ten … nine by nine foot cell – that’s odd, because I have been pacing it all day and I could have sworn is was a ten foot square. Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to get out of this mess. I manage to get two of the screws out of the light fixture with my plastic spoon before it breaks.
Jack has gone for the less subtle, yet no more successful grab-the-butt-of-the-guard’s-gun-and-pull-it-into-the-cell trick. So, he may still be stuck in a nine by nine … eight by eight foot cell – this is really weird – but he has a big gun and feels masculine and powerful … and hungry since they didn’t give him any food after his little stunt.
Meanwhile back at the keep the team is trying to formulate a plan so they can rescue us. Britain’s snootiest, Fiona and Mitchell, have arrived with maps showing all of the oil rigs in the area.
(Up)Chuck is staring at them trying to figure out which one we are on when Fiona, who seems to have some inside knowledge about one of the bad guys on the rig, points out the location to him.
Since (Up)Chuck is intent on storming the oil rig, Fiona and Mitchell call SPOAT team member Trevor Thyne Hardwick to join the team at the keep.
It is decided that three teams will go in: Trevor, Paris and several SPOATS will check for a drug lab or any other incriminating evidence; (Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck, Deputy Disgusted and another SPOAT will go to the likely location of our cells; and Mitchell and Fiona will be flying in a helicopter in order to extract one of the teams. Several other gun ships and another extraction helicopter are also ready.
Paris and (Nun)Chuck are given an hour’s worth of training in a really cold water holding tank in preparation for the underwater approach to the rig. Neither is terribly happy. Paris: it’s very cold in here. Sympathetic SPOATS tell her she needs to be prepared. (Nun)Chuck: it’s learry cord in here. Nobody knows what the f*** he is saying, so they ignore him.
Back on the rig, Jack is facing yet another guard who is pointing a weapon at him through the cell door window, but not allowing the tip of the gun to enter the cell. Jack, who has dismantled the weapon in an attempt to find something to help him escape, throws a part at the guard’s face. This will probably shock you, but he misses and hits the door. The annoyed guard wants the gun, but Jack doesn’t want to give up his toy, so the guard throws a stun grenade in. Jack throws the grenade into the toilet, but still loses consciousness when it goes off.
I hear all sorts of commotion down the hall, but I am busy loosening the rest of the screws on the light fixture with my spoon. I finally manage to get them all out and remove the wire mesh from the light. I fashion it into a beautiful barbed-wire, guaranteed to give you a pain in the neck garrote.
I pace the eight by eight … seven and a half by seven and a half foot cell – okay, what the fuck is going on here? Either I am growing or the room is shrinking. It’s like I am stuck in Wonderland waiting for the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter to appear. What’s in that food they’re giving us?
The next mealtime finds the now conscious Jack shackled hand and foot to his bed. I have devised a plan. I make a superficial cut, wet it so it bleeds more and lay on the floor with my handy dandy garrote ready to attack any guard that comes in. However, probably thanks to Jack’s shenanigans, instead of coming in to investigate, they throw a stun grenade in. I jump up and try to throw it into the toilet, but miss. Let me just say, "snore."
When I awaken, my arm is shackled to the bed. Since the bed folds up, I slip the shackle under the leg and then use my handy-dandy-the-dumb-guard-didn’t-find-it barbed wire garrote to pick the lock.
Jack eventually manages to get loose from the bed, but still has the shackles hanging from his arm and leg.
Back in the water, the sub carrying the Alpha and Bravo teams is in position. The teams enter the water. (Nun)Chuck experiences some equipment problems and has to surface, taking the SPOAT with him. The SPOAT is trying to help him, but he can’t figure out what ‘watel cord’ means.
(Up)Chuck and Deputy Detected are making their way up the side of the rig, when a guard looks over the edge. Deputy Drill ‘em shoots, missing once. (Up)Chuck is stunned as the guard’s dropped gun falls past him. He turns to thank his climbing mate as Deputy Double-Shoot-Hit-Once fires another two shots, again missing one. The dead guard falls into the churning sea.
Meanwhile, the Alpha team has arrived and is making its way up the side of the rig. Two guards, alerted by some noise, look over the edge and the Alpha team members shoot at them, killing one and causing the other to fall into the sea. Trevor stops to instruct the team on the man’s chances for survival based on the temperature of the water and the distance from which he fell. Paris, less than enthused at the impromptu lesson and eager to be on solid footing, tells him to shut up and climb. One of the SPOATS slips, but catches himself and ascends to the top.
(Up)Chuck and Deputy Determined encounter two more guards and kill them.
(Nun)Chuck and his SPOAT companion reach the rig and begin to climb, but the SPOAT falls into the water. (Up)Chuck congratulates him and tells him that he lost points for too much splash on his entry. The man manages to climb to the top of the rig.
On the other side of the rig, the Alpha team has encountered and killed more guards. They make their way into a large room, where they find four bad guys. Stefan and Trevor have a poorly timed Smuckering moment and get out of the way so they can clear their weapons. Paris and the rest of the SPOATS enter the room. Paris shoots, ripping one of the bad guys to smithereens and wounding another. She looks around, but nobody has witnessed her moment of triumph. The SPOATS finish the bad guys off.
Back in our cells, Jack and I are waiting for the next meal/escape attempt time. The guard enters Jack’s cell, thinking that he is still shackled to the bed. Jack’s attempt to throw his drink at the guard with his free hand fails (again, surprise surprise), so he jumps on the man and breaks his neck (the guard’s not his own, because that would be very counterproductive, even for Jack).
Jack takes the man’s weapon and kills the other guard. He then opens the door to my cell, hands me one of the guards’ weapons and we make our way into the hall.
The Alpha team looks around the large room they are in and realizes that they have entered a drug lab. They get lots of video footage. As the lab employees arrive for work, the team gives them their permanent pink slips.
Jack and I leave the cell hallway and enter another only to be greeted by two bad guys that don’t want say hey. We kill them.
The sound of our gunfire alerts (Up)Chuck and Dana at the top of the staircase and Deputy Descender runs down the stairs. I’m sorry, did I say he runs down the stairs? No, actually he falls down the stairs. Lordie – this is our rescue team? I help our would-be rescuer get up as five bad guys emerge into the hallway. Deputy Damned shoots, hitting three times before his gun jams. Jack and I kill the remaining guards.
(Up)Chuck comes down the stairs and radios to the Alpha team that we have been found. Trevor and company start preparing the lab for demolition.
Back on the stairs, (Nun)Chuck hears the sounds of two guards approaching. He pulls his sword and impales the first guard, holding the man in front of him while the second guards shoots. (Nun)Chuck then rushes the stunned bad guy with his shis-guard-bob and makes it a double-decker.
(Nun)Chuck runs down and tells us ‘rots of bad guys coming.’ We run into a room. That is, everyone except for Deputy Disoriented, who runs into the wall. Between Jack and Dana, no wall or door is safe. (Up)Chuck, Jack and I shoot at the guards. Deputy Determined bursts in and shoots at one of the remaining live bad guys and we finish the rest off.
At this point, a general alarm is sounded and Trevor, Paris and one SPOAT find themselves stuck in the lab as the blast doors have come down, sealing the room.
Trevor goes to the door and calmly asks the SPOATS outside to use the manual release to open the doors. Unfortunately, the crank handle has been removed. The desperate SPOATS are looking around for something they can use as a handle as the lab occupants search for some acid to use on the door.
Jack, Deputy Displeased, (Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck and I are arriving at the helipad. (Up)Chuck shoots off his flare to alert Mitchell and Fiona that they are ready for extraction. Suddenly, a voice comes on the PA. It is Mathilda Vaughn. She says hey and then asks who is in the lab that she is about to blow up.
Deputy Diligent realizes that Paris is in the lab. Since the general alarm has been sounded and his luck with automatic weapons is nonexistent, he pulls out his trusty .44 and runs toward the lab.
We hear Vaughn say something about getting the rocket launchers to the roof and (Up)Chuck radios to Mitchell and Fiona that they shouldn’t approach. Mitchell begins to turn back, before he realizes that they are there to take care of just this type of situation and turns back toward the rig. The other pilots congratulate him on his fancy flying and tell him to stop fucking around.
(Nun)Chuck begins climbing the outside wall to get to the control room. (Up)Chuck is spraying the windows of the room with automatic machine gun fire.
Vaughn gets back on the PA to say, ‘ha ha, you missed me.’ Jack, (Up)Chuck and I run up the stairs toward the command room.
Deputy Devoted is running full force toward the lab, killing anything in his way. He arrives to find that the SPOATS have finally managed to construct a makeshift crank handle and as the door comes up, he sticks his fingers under the door and pushes it the rest of the way.
(Nun)Chuck has reached the balcony and finds the Oriental man that he fought at the Quickening ages ago. That match ended with both men unconscious on the floor. His opponent assumes a ready to fight pose, but (Nun)Chuck is in a rush, not in a restroom and doesn’t feel like playing, so he throws a stun grenade at the man and beheads the shocked Ninja.
We have reached the command room and find Vaughn and Dillion. Vaughn is holding an engaged detonator. Everyone is distracted as a Ninja head rolls into the room, and we all dive at Vaughn in an attempt to get the device before she can release the handle. I get to her first and engage in possession combat, but she still has control of the device. (Up)Chuck reaches up and tries to crush her hand around the device, but it slips out. Luckily, I catch it and keep it squeezed.
Jack suddenly realizes that nobody is paying attention to Dillion and turns in time to see Dillion shoot him in the abdomen.
Dillion, in classic stupid bad guy form, gets close to Jack and tells him that he is stupid. He shoots, or rather he would have, had not (Nun)Chuck run in and lopped off his arm. Jack sprays Dillion with lots of bullets.
Mathilda Vaughn pulls a gun and Jack, (Up)Chuck and I shoot her within one point of death. Jack says, "hello, my name is Jacques the International cabaret terrorist Payne-in-everyone’s-ass, you killed my cat, prepare to die" and shoots.
Up in the helicopter, Fiona has missed the snipers on the roof, but someone on one of the other gun ships hits one of them. The man’s rocket launches but goes astray. Another bad guy fires a rocket at Mitchell’s helicopter. Mitchell attempts to evade, but realizes that he is not going to make it and yells for everyone to jump. He and Fiona make it out, but the copilot does not. They are picked up by one of the other helicopters.
Inside the command room, we see the helicopter fall into the sea and mourn the loss of Britain’s snootiest.
We are finally on an extraction helicopter. When I know that the whole team is safe, I release the detonator and the lab explodes.
Cut to a few days later – Balmoral
The powers that be are very grateful to us for all we’ve done and hold a party for us at Balmoral. Cahill has corrected the lack of Sheila payment, so I stay. He comes over at one point and introduces me to some senators, among them Senator McConnell. I thought he was going to yell at me for hitting his daughter’s friend gently with a tree branch, but he actually shakes my hand and thanks me! They ask to speak with me privately.
In a back room, I am introduced to Mr. Patterson, my new boss. They all thank me for offering to do this for my country. Do what? More shit about sacrifice and the greater good spews forth. Who do they think I am? Sydney Carton about to give his life for Charles Darnay? It is a far better thing I do … They seem to be under the impression that I agreed to control a bunch of assassins for them and mention that I agreed to this with Cornball. Why is it that my conversations with him always end with each us thinking something different? They show me a document that basically authorizes me to use assassins to kill oodles o’ bad guys. It looks amazingly like a ‘get out of jail free’ card … until it goes up in smoke. Apparently, I will be reporting to CAG, the Covert Action Group – a group that doesn’t really exist, and will have the cooperation of all sorts of resources, including Inspector Clusine and Detective Andre le Couer. You know, this could be fun…
Back at the party, Deputy Disturbed takes Paris to a balcony to break up with her.
(Nun)Chuck and Rossi look at the pair and speculate about what’s going on. After lots of ‘dudes’ and ‘he no hult Palises,’ the duo turns to look for available women.
Mitchell convinces Fiona that Deputy Denied is asking for a blowjob.
In actuality, Deputy Distracted feels that it is the worry about Paris’s safety that is causing him to miss shots, walk into walls and fall down stairs. Paris finally makes a deal with him that they will call it quits on the condition that the first time he misses another target, he calls her so they can resume … relations. They shake on it, confusing the speculating spectators.
Karin is enjoying the view of Stefan’s muscles, but still notices that Cahill is being way too attentive to Claire. She tells Claire that Cahill likes her. Claire doesn’t agree, but Karin, who knows Cahill pretty well, nods knowingly.
A liveried man approaches Jack and gives him the keys to an upstairs suite, telling him that he and I have been invited to stay for a few days.
Jack finds Cahill, who gives him the black velvet box from the apartment safe.
The next morning, Jack wakes me up and we talk. He says he has some things to tell me. Yeah, um, that makes two of us. Jack assures me that he is done with all of this and is ready to retire quietly with me. He presents me with the ring. Then he tells me that he is actually a pediatrician. I laugh and mention that he needs a medical license for that. He says he’s already got one and has set up a practice in a Parisian suburb taking care of the brats of France. Oh my goodness, I am going to marry an electrician-turned-International Cabaret Terrorist-turned-stockbroker-turned-pediatrician. I can’t wait to talk to my therapist!
I say, "Yeah Jack, about that whole retirement thing …" The ready-to-quit Jack is stunned to learn that he is not only not retired, but he is working for me along with a couple of other assassins, including (Nun)Chuck, Deputy Do ‘Em In and the McBobsey twins.
Of course I agree to marry him. After all, I do love him – and it will be so much easier to control him and make him kill for me if we’re married.
By the way, I call the museum and quit. I realize now, that not only will the fates never allow it, but I’m probably not cut out for a mundane nine to five life. Running Chez Sheila’s is definitely more my speed.
The news reports that Jacques, the International Terrorist, has died, yet again, while blowing up an oil rig in the North Sea on behalf of Greenpeace.
As I lay down to sleep that night, I think about things. I smile as I imagine the reactions of Clusine and le Couer to the news that they have to cooperate with me. I snuggle closer to Jack as I picture our wedding night. Then I begin to toss a little as I think about my new responsibilities as Killer Controller. Nightmarish images of attempting to do damage control after (Nun)Chuck has gone ape shit in a public restroom, the twins have cut off someone’s head with a bread knife and Deputy Demented flips his really loose lid after missing a target even though he has broken up with the lovely Paris invade my sleep. Suddenly, I frown. How do you ever retire from an agency that doesn’t really exist?