Okay, quick (not really) mission update: I am soaking wet and dictating this into a tape machine as Paris, Tony the cop, Karin, a stripper named Delores and I are in a boat headed to Pier 66 in an attempt to stop Sir Keene-to-join-my-collection-of-wall-art Elliott from escaping again; a government car is sitting in the waters off the shore of Ft. Lauderdale and another is totaled and abandoned on the highway; Faux Jack is close to death on the same highway; the police are trying to sort out a major crime scene at a Russian social club; Rossi is driving one of Diamond’s cars recklessly toward the hotel; Jack is basking in the green glow of his gambling winnings; (Nun)Chuck is debating whether he can swim twelve miles to shore; and Deputy Double ID is exerting his authority to bring a gambling ship to shore.
I suppose a little background is in order.
So, here we are, sitting on the Southern Star pondering the escape of Sir Keene-to-get-revenge Elliott. Jack comes and tells me that he wants to call some underworld type named Carlos that he met in Chicago. I tell him that I’m not running the show, Uncle Sam is. He leaves and finds Paris to try and convince her that she should agree to run some guns for Carlos in exchange for his men finding information on Faux Jack.
A short time later, the team is imparting information and, despite my warnings not to tell Jack about Checkers so I could go replace him with an exact duplicate, (Nun)Chuck (who claims ‘no one tord me) tells Jack that Checkers is dead. Jack jumps (Nun)Chuck in an attempt to shake him for information. (Nun)Chuck thinks Jack is attacking him, so a mutual bruising session begins. Since none of the testosterone-ridden beasts in the room seem inclined to break the fight up, Paris and I try to separate them. However, before we can get to them, (Nun)Chuck starts trying to hit a pressure point on Jack’s inner thigh to stop him. Jack thinks that (Nun)Chuck is feeling him up. Homophobia sets in and he jumps off of (Nun)Chuck.
Jack puts his gun on the table and asks where Checkers is now, so I tell him that I had him cremated. Jack leaves and goes out on deck. I follow him out and try to calm him down. The rest of the team stares at Jack’s abandoned gun, but fearing that the curse of Jack (really bad aim) will infect them, they don’t touch it.
Paris, the agent not the city, goes in search of alcohol. She hears a familiar clinking and knocks on the door. Luke pulls her in, locks the door and she throws back a couple with the boys and Maggie. Karin is awakened from a Hans dream by the flavorful aroma of beer when Paris comes in for bed.
The next morning, as we are getting ready to get off the ship, Luke finds me and we agree that his part of the mission is concluded. The team is finally out from under Uncle Sam’s thumb and free to wreak havoc and destruction on Ft. Lauderdale. Outstanding.
However, Uncle Sam does send us several cars: a Sable, a Caprice Classic and a Sterling to aid in our little (and totally deniable) quest to end Sir Keene Elliott’s exist…, I mean activities in the U.S.
When the team prepares to leave, (Nun)Chuck is nowhere to be found. Naturally…
The Brits phone home and are told to return, so (Up)Chuck takes Trevor and Corey to the airport (since the Jaguar that magically appears for Fiona and Mitchell is only a two-seater). (Up)Chuck takes his passengers to the Miami airport. (Why won’t men ever ask for directions?) During their scenic tour of southern Florida, Trevor tries to convince Corey that he should not pursue Paris, in the interest of not having Deputy Diligent use him for target practice. Corey feels that if he just sticks the pointy edge of his sword in Deputy Doter’s chest, there will be no further problems.
Unfortunately, Fiona and Mitchell are waiting for them at the nearby Ft. Lauderdale airport. Eventually, (Up)Chuck manages to get Corey and Trevor to the right airport. Mitchell calls me and tells me that the Brits are hanging around in a sort of non-sanctioned effort to watch our progress and assist, if necessary. For some reason, I think they are only staying to watch the comedic fallout.
Anyway, Karin gets us rooms at Bob Diamond’s luxury Pier 66 hotel. We feel that Sir Keene-to-flip-the-bird-to-Bob-Diamond Elliott will be staying there.
The Brits are staying at a nearby hotel.
We check into the hotel and notice (Nun)Chuck sitting in the shadows of the hotel lobby. An outraged shriek from Paris indicates that she has become aware of the deplorable state of her wardrobe (as have we all – most of our clothing is still in the castle in upstate New York). The only shop around is so expensive that we will have to ransom our first born children in exchange for a pair of jeans and a stupid T-shirt that reads, "I went to Ft. Lauderdale, Mickey got sodomized and all I got was this stupid *@#$!% T-shirt and a torso with missing appendages" – because that’s how much it cost, an arm and a leg.
We have a nice meal during which one of the hotel workers recognizes Karin and seems surprised to see her sitting with Paris, the agent not the city. (Up)Chuck whips out … a map of the pier at which the Disney ship will dock. Deciding that we shouldn’t plan murder and mayhem in a public restaurant we go to Karin’s room. There we discuss the fact even though they (the bad guys) may not know that we know, we do know that we know that Faux Jack is here and he (Faux Jack) doesn’t know that the real Jack knows that he is here and has every intention of stopping the Faux Jack from blowing a missile up Mickey Mouse’s ass in the real Jack’s name. But we know … I think!
(Nun)Chuck calls and tells us that he thinks he saw Krazy Keene and his Scottish entourage get on one of the hotel elevators. Karin finds her friend and asks if any Scots or Brits are staying in the hotel. She comes back with the information that there are two rooms occupied by Scottish nationals, room 108 and room 1560.
(Nun)Chuck announces that he will go kill them. Jack is afraid that (Nun)Chuck is going to off some innocent Scottish golfers (yeah right, have you seen the golfers’ wardrobe? The fact that they wear plaid alone is enough to warrant death …), but we agree with Jack. After some convincing, (Nun)Chuck is sent off to investigate the Scottish nationals, but not to kill anyone yet. As long as he doesn’t find them in the men’s room we should be okay.
The rest of the team goes to bed, while (Nun)Chuck does his Spiderman routine and scales the outside of the hotel from his twelfth floor room up to the fifteenth floor and around the hotel to room 1560. That doesn’t mean it was pretty, but he made it. He climbs onto the terrace and opens the sliding doors. He hears a knocking on the door, but sneaks into the room anyway because he is wearing his cloak of invisibility. (I never said he was sane …) As he is hiding behind some furniture, the door is opened by hotel security. The startled occupants of the room awaken (surprisingly, neither of them was Sir Keene-to-hide-in-plain-sight Elliott). The security guards turn on the light and find (Nun)Chuck as he is attempting to hide under the bed. Apparently, (Nun)Chuck’s Cloak of Invisibility only works in the dark.
At some point, (Nun)Chuck remembers that this is Bob Diamond’s hotel and stops trying to escape. He is handcuffed and brought down to the security office. A very annoyed and unpleasant man named Wyatt comes in and asks him questions. Wyatt is less than thrilled about being awakened in the wee hours of the morning and shares his displeasure with (Nun)Chuck, who insisted that he was unarmed, you know, except for the throwing knives, the sword, the throwing stars …
Paris is awakened by a phone call telling her to come down to the security office. She gets (Up)Chuck and, even though Deputy Dictator tells her she can’t go, heads downstairs, with Deputy Denied following. For a change, I have a lovely sleep, while Wyatt tells Paris, that although he is willing to help in some ways, there is to be no killing at Diamond’s hotel. (Nun)Chuck is telling Paris that he got the long loom. At first Paris thought he wanted to weave a new wardrobe for her, but then she realized he meant ‘wrong room.’
An uncomfortable (Nun)Chuck asks to be freed from his handcuffs and attempts to pick the lock. Wyatt catches him and tells him that Paris and her ‘bookends’ can release him when he’s done.
The next day, we decide to split up and look for Faux Jack. This means that we have to cover all the places that the real Jack would go, so Paris and Deputy Dangerous go to the zoo, Jack and I go to Ocean World, and Karin and (Up)Chuck go to the pier at which the Disney boat will dock.
(Nun)Chuck waits in the hotel lobby for some glimpse of Sir Not-So-Keene-to-Be-Seen-by-us Elliott to no avail.
Jack and I are looking at, what else, the penguins when he tells me that this blonde chick is following us. I overcome my suspicion that he thinks all women are naturally attracted to him (it’s not like I am jealous or anything) and finally see her. She looks really familiar. I know that she is some sort of Diamond flunkee, but not connected to ISIS. What the f*#$ is her name? At some point when we are near her, I combine all of the ‘J’ names I can think of into one bizarre semblance of a syllable that sounds like any one of them and utter it as she passes. Luckily, she stops. She remembers me and it is apparent that she knows who Jack is and, fortunately introduces herself as Janet. We exchange small talk, while I try to remember exactly who she is. I tell her that we are staying at Pier 66 and are going to go on the Disney cruise. I realize that she is really interested in Jack’s whereabouts and with a parting, ‘now you know where we are’ we separate.
Jack and I start following her and see her talking on a police radio. We leave the park and go for a drink. Jack, after ordering four martinis in two glasses (I opt for my usual bottled beer), is still asking questions about his cat and says he wants to go bury him. I tell him that is not possible, as I had Checkers cremated by Dr. Sheridan, the vet. My memory circuits are on overload, because thinking about the vet reminds me of Janet. Who is she???
Meanwhile, at the zoo, Paris is showing Deputy Disdainful the sights. They notice that they are being followed by someone that Deputy Disreputable recognizes as an ATF agent. Paris doesn’t care if he follows her, as long as he is not out to fulfill the two million-dollar contract on her. Rossi calls to tell Paris that he is in town, and she and Deputy Driver pick him up at the airport.
Karin and (Up)Chuck go to the pier where they see a utility truck with three workers that aren’t really working parked over a manhole. Why that strikes them as unusual is a mystery to me! They also see an ‘unmarked’ police car whose occupants are watching the events on the pier and taking pictures. Then a loud Camaro drives in and stops next to the unmarked car for a few minutes.
(Up)Chuck decides that he wants to look inside the utility van, so Karin tries to create a distraction using broken Polish and English to indicate that she is lost. Since most blue-collar utility workers are multi-lingual, it just so happens that one of them speaks Polish (you didn’t really think they were utility workers, did you?). He tells her that she and her friend (indicating (Up)Chuck) should walk around the pier and they will get to the restaurant that they are looking for. As Karin and (Up)Chuck leave the area of the truck, they hear the sound of someone handling a weapon inside the van. (Up)Chuck tries to approach the unmarked police car (he was probably going for their film – you know, afraid that the pictures would end up on my apartment wall), but the car backs all the way out of the pier and they can’t even get the plate number. They attempt to leave the parking lot, but the Camaro approaches and the driver tells them he is a cop and wants to see ID.
Karin and a typically outraged (Up)Chuck hand over their ID. After their ID is checked, and (Up)Chuck takes down the cop’s name (to add to his list underneath the gay detective in Paris), they are released and go to the restaurant. An hour later, they leave the restaurant and notice that the police are already checking the manhole that the truck was parked over. At least now we don’t have to send in (Nun)Chuck (sewers are too closely tied to toilets for comfort, he’d kill someone for sure!).
The team meets and we again impart information. Paris has arranged for us to go on a gambling cruise that evening. Jack’s eyes light up. We go to a fancy restaurant for dinner and ask for a back room so we can talk. We are taken to a room and surprised to see that the other diners in the room include the cop from the pier, some models from Estanado Fashions and Bill of the Brothers Gallagher. Jack is uncomfortable, but I convince him to stay. I finally come clean and tell the team that the Miami office they had broken into a year ago was in a building shared by Estanado Fashions and David Hunt. Deputy Dumb Ass finally realizes that I was the person he shot outside the building. Not that he apologized or anything, in fact he indicated that he would do it again, if needed. With a team like this, who needs a nemesis?
Karin tells us about the experience on the pier: she and (Up)Chuck approached the utility workers, but it was okay because the utility workers didn’t shoot, the unmarked police car backed out but the Camaro came in and the driver checked their ID. Now I know how frustrated people must feel when reading my reports!
The cop sends over a dark chewy ale for Karin and a vegetable power drink for (Up)Chuck. Since Paris knows the manager from the Gallagher Brothers’ club, she goes to talk to him, while Karin approaches the cop to thank him for the drink. He introduces himself as Tony, and his companion as Charlie, the ADA. Tony thinks that (Up)Chuck looks too stiff and has Andrew, the manger from the Gallgaher Brothers’ club, Rush, send some models over to loosen him up. They hang all over him.
Since loosening (Up)Chuck up is harder than getting the lid off of an old jar of Duck Sauce, the models start to leave. However, (Nun)Chuck remembers that Confucius say, all killing and no women makes (Nun)Chuck a bad boy, and he calls them back.
Everyone in the room does some shots in memory of Rossi’s dad, Jack’s cat and Jordan, the stockbroker.
Deputy Displeased-at-the-attention-Andrew-is-paying-to-Paris is staring the poor manager down.
When Charlie and Tony ask Karin where she is from (for some bizarre reason they doubt that Texas is her birthplace), she notices their reaction to her revelation that she is from Potsdam.
Finally (Up)Chuck approaches Tony and reveals that we are working on the whole doomed Disney ship thing. They start to share information and Tony indicates that if he had some Eastern Bloc person, such as Karin, working for him, he could get information from the Russian mob (it seems that they are going to do Elliott’s dirty work).
As (Up)Chuck and Tony are speaking, several people in the room distinctly hear the name Jack Payne. Jack is getting very uncomfortable and I have to keep stopping him from pulling an outcast high school student routine and shooting up the whole room.
Karin has had enough of the idiot Charlie (she mistook his introduction as ADA Charlie for idiot Charlie – an easy mistake), and makes her way to (Up)Chuck and Tony. (Up)Chuck attempts to tell her that they want her to go into a Russian mob social club and see what she can find out about the soon-to-be-made attempt on the popular big-eared one’s ship. Unfortunately, his spy-speak 101 course did not include instructions on how to speak in code to the English-impaired and she tried to think of all the big-eared public figures she knows. However, since neither George W. nor Ross Perot are that popular in her estimation, she cannot figure out what he means. He then tells her in his less than eloquent German and she understands.
We get together and decide to find a quiet place to meet and discuss our plan. We also decide to send Jack, Dana and (Nun)Chuck off to the gambling cruise. (One look at Rossi’s somber face (and the fact that he asked us for a gun) told us that it was probably not a good idea to send him off unattended.) After some arm-twisting we manage to convince Jack that spending an evening gambling is necessary to the mission’s success.
I have finally managed to remember where I know Janet from: she is a cop who also happens to watch over Diamond’s Ft. Lauderdale home when he is not there, which, as Rossi would say, is like almost always.
I call Janet and tell her we are coming. She greets us at the door and tells us not to touch anything we shouldn’t. Why doesn’t she just hold candy in front of a child’s face?
Rossi has not uttered even one Dude since his arrival and we are starting to worry about him. Paris, in an attempt to break Rossi out of his grief-induced stupor has returned his sunglasses to him and shows him the extremely modified Cadillac in Diamond’s garage. Rossi puts on his shades, sits in the driver’s seat, feels up all of the gauges and sighs an almost silent ‘Dude.’
Bill Gallagher shows up with a stripper named Delores. ((Up)Chuck overcomes his disappointment that her name is not Bambi.) Delores speaks fluent Russian and will vouch for Karin at the Russian social club.
At some point, Gallagher throws a shot glass at the wall and I take out my notebook and add it the growing list of things I will have to replace: one Range Rover, one stained glass window and one shot glass.
Anyway the plan is to have Karin and Delores go in unarmed and without wires in case they are searched, followed by Bill, his arm piece, Andrew and Paris, so they can watch Karin and make sure she is okay. (Up)Chuck will be outside in the Caprice Classic, I in the Sterling and, totally against my better judgment, Rossi in Diamond’s souped up Cadillac race car.
Quick inventory on the team: we have a Russian-speaking British stripper who is not named Bambi, an overzealous protector person, a blood thirsty Orientally confused assassin, a love-sick for Paris assassin, Paris, who is out for revenge for the loss of her wardrobe, an East German out for revenge for the death of her beloved Hans, a near catatonic driver who is out for revenge for the death of his father; Jack, who is out for revenge for the death of his cat; a cop, who is out for revenge for the interruption of his stake-out that afternoon; the Gallagher group, who are out for revenge for the competition to their strip joint; and me, and I am out for revenge for this whole stupid mission that has kept me from my neat and orderly apartment for so long. Now you know why I am calling this mission Revenge.
We go to the social club and Karin enters with Delores. (Up)Chuck, Rossi and I are in position in the parking lot, and Tony is in a boat in the water behind the club. Paris enters with Gallagher and Co. Karin overhears the Russians talking about how Plan B has been foiled and they may have to go with Plan A. Since Plan B in our world equates to shoot them all and take the goods, she is relieved that they are going with Plan A, which involves having a boat nearby take care of somehow sinking the Disney ship.
At some point, Karin and Paris notice that Faux Jack is sitting with the Russians in the club. Paris calls (Up)Chuck and tells him about Faux Jack. Back at the table of Russians, a man named Hogan, who happens to be the new leader of the Quickening crew, recognizes Paris. So, Karin is watching the Faux Jack and the Russians, who are watching Paris, who is supposed to be watching Karin, but is also watching Faux Jack and the Russians. Hogan sees Paris, Paris sees Hogan. They both dial their cell phones. Karin offers a score of 9.5 on the synchronized cell phoning.
Tony then radios to (Up)Chuck that Faux Jack has left out the back door.
(Up)Chuck attempts to cut him off, but loses Faux Jack around the back of the building.
Rossi, who is parked among several very nice mouth-watering cars, sees someone start one of them and drive towards the exit. Then he notices the guy get out quickly and sees Faux Jack get in. I also see Faux Jack and am waiting to give chase as soon as Faux Jack leaves. (Up)Chuck is running for his car.
Inside the club, Hogan sits at Paris’s table and begins pouring champagne for what he thinks will be Paris’s last drink, while four goons pull guns and point them at Paris’s entourage. Little does Hogan know that Paris would never give up the ghost in some little hole in the wall like this, surrounded by unsavory people and cheap champagne. However, he is a typical bad guy and stops to tell her the diabolical plan before he has her killed. He tells her that Sir Eejit Keene is staying at Diamond’s hotel. Andrew is brave enough to pull his gun and point it at Paris’s tormentor, telling the four armed goons in the room to drop their weapons. One of the Russians at the back table pulls a gun and is going to shoot Hogan, when Karin disarms Goon One and shoots the Russian in the chest.
Now the fit has hit the shan and the following events occur: Paris and Andrew shoot Hogan, Delores pulls a Sheila and hits a Goon Two over the head with a beer bottle, and Bill Gallagher shoots Goon Three. Goon Four then shoots at Paris, nicking her newly acquired shoes. A cold-blooded killer Russian from the back table stands up and shoots Andrew two times. Karin shoots at Cold-Blooded Killer Man, hitting him in the head and rendering him unconscious. Paris, still upset at the loss of another perfectly good pair of shoes, shoots Goon Four in the head. Gallagher is busy looking after the wounded Andrew. One of the girls who was with the Russians escapes. Paris shoots Hogan again (this time in the ass – never, ever mess with Paris’s wardrobe) and tries to drag Karin out the back. Karin, convinced she has not seen enough red (as in formerly communist Russian blood) is trying to finish off the cold blooded killer she shot in the head. She keeps shooting him in one arm and then the other (what is with these foreigners and their bloodlust – first (Nun)Chuck, now Karin) only causing superficial damage. This might have been an effective torture tactic had he been conscious… Paris finally manages to drag her out with Delores running behind as the police come storming through the front of the club.
Tony picks them up in his boat at the back of the club.
Meanwhile, as more police cars are entering the parking lot, Faux Jack is driving out with Rossi, me and then (Up)Chuck following.
We had a great big convoy, traveling through the night. Not really, it was just Faux Jack in the Aston Martin, followed by Rossi in Diamond’s Killer Caddy, me in the government’s Sterling, and (Up)Chuck in the Caprice Classic bringing up the rear. I am trying to follow at a safe distance (how safe can you really be in a car chase?) and Rossi is trying to ram the Aston Martin. He hits the nitrous button, yells Dude and goes to plaid. He passes right by Faux Jack and keeps going. Faux Jack makes a turn. I manage to make the turn, as does (Up)Chuck. (Up)Chuck is moonlighting as a landscaper (not that he is being paid, but it is evening) and trying to find a way to cut Faux Jack off. Realizing that his car will likely not survive a trip onto the rocky "lawns" of the local residents, he returns to the road. We reach the end of the block and the Aston Martin again turns. I follow him. Rossi, having deduced that the streets run parallel and come down the next block, comes screaming past and barely misses having a collision with (Up)Chuck. Fortunately, I am an excellent driver and am still behind Faux Jack.
We (Faux Jack and I) turn back onto the highway and I speed up to ram the Aston Martin. I manage to cause a little bit of damage to both cars. Finally, I see the boys coming up from behind. Rossi blasts the air horn and I try to move over to let them pass. Of course, had they told me that this was not an amphibious attack vehicle, I may not have attempted a marine assault. Actually, I lost control and went off roading. Unfortunately, there was no off-road, only off-continent. (Technically, the car is still on the Continental Shelf – but I don’t think that will score any points with the accounting people…)
Luckily, Tony, Paris and Karin see me from the boat and come to pick me up. I tell them to remember where I parked it (hey, at least I didn’t leave it in the Reflecting Pool at the Washington Monument – you know because salt water is so much kinder to metal …) and pull out my soggy notebook to add one Sterling to the list. Not wishing to risk electrocution, I remove my Electro-Shock phone and place it on the seat. Since Karin is again the only East German around, she gives my swan dive with a half twist into the water a score of 9.0 – she deducted a full point for too much splash on the entry).
Back on dry land, Rossi bumps the Aston Martin and the cars wind up heading in the opposite direction. (Up)Chuck then turns his car sideways in an attempt to block Faux Jack. The Aston Martin clips (Up)Chuck’s car, flips and lands on the driver side. (Up)Chuck’s car gets hit by two other cars. (Right, that’s one Range Rover, one stained glass window, one shot glass, one Sterling and one Caprice Classic.) Rossi speeds back and tries to bump the Aston Martin, out of which Faux Jack has emerged with a Mac-10 like Rambo popping out of a Vietnamese river, thirsting for blood. Rossi heads for the Aston Martin, but only manages to get into yet another accident - which doesn’t involve the Aston Martin (this is our driver?) and flip the Caddy, which luckily lands on its wheels (thank goodness for a roll cage). After a call from Paris reveals that Sir Keene Elliott is at Pier 66 right now, he races to the hotel, ignoring the debris that is falling from the car and running over the front bumper when it drops off. (With a sigh, I add one Cadillac and my job to the soon-to-be replaced list.)
(Up)Chuck then gets shot by Faux Jack. Luckily he is wearing a ton of body armor and escapes with only some bruising damage. (Up)Chuck shoots Faux Jack in the head and the leg, wounding him within points of his total life level. Then (Up)Chuck administers some first aid to stabilize Faux Jack and heads to the water so we can pick him up, after Tony reassures him that help is on the way.
We head back to the hotel and Paris phones Jack, who is engaged in negotiations with Lady Luck at the card table. Out on the deck of the gambling boat, (Nun)Chuck and Deputy Doesn’t Gamble are admiring all of the pretty flashing lights on shore.
Jack’s gambling activities are interrupted by a phone call telling him about our …. um plight. He goes out on deck to find the assassins and tells them that the pretty lights are a result of a less than pleasant evening at the Russian social club.
Deputy … Deputy pulls out yet another ID card, identifies himself as a law enforcement agent, and orders the boat to return to shore.
Paris calls the irritable Mr. Wyatt and tells him that Sir Keene-to-have-us-all-killed Elliott is at the hotel and we need him (Wyatt) to stop anybody from leaving. And you know what? The Brits are probably enjoying a dark beer and a hearty laugh at a nearby pub.