After our productive meeting with Snotty Ass and Michael, we decide to let Jack show us around town. We go to a restaurant for dinner and happen to see Snotty Ass, Jake Jake and some stuffy Scotland Yard guy there. It appears that Snotty Ass may be having trouble selling our plan to Mr. Stuffed Shirt.
All is not lost, however, since we spot none other than Alex Architect sitting in the restaurant. We approach him, get rid of his friends and tell him we are getting the band back together. Then I ask him for the money he owes Jack ($21,000), which would more than cover the cost of a vehicle to replace the one Jack ‘lost’ in Paris. You know, the one whose steering wheel now acts as a paper weight on Inspector Clusine’s desk. Alex seems rather reluctant to discuss the debt.
The next day Paris goes to pick up our IDs, since we decide it is better not to allow Jack to go back. Jack calls his stockbroker friends to put our Dillion stock scheme into motion, while I make plane reservations for us to fly to Watertown the next day and then call Karin, ze German and tell her to make her way to the castle.
On Saturday morning, we go the Westchester airport, make sure that Jack and (Up)Chuck have their bags and board the plane. Paris keeps engaging in phone conversations with some mysterious guy named John. That would have raised suspicion with any other agent, but this is Paris so I let it go.
When we arrive in Watertown, there are several SUVs and a limo waiting for us. Having decided that our cover would be as musicians here to do some composing work, we stop at a music store to buy instruments.
I select a small keyboard that enables me to create some wonderful sounds, such as falling bombs, etc., and Paris buys an acoustic guitar. Jack wants to improve on the harmonica playing skills that he learned while in jail. Alex Architect, feeling that a bass guitar will be easier to learn than a six string, makes his selection. Rossi, ignoring the fact that it could be his last purchase ever, buys a drum kit. (I surreptitiously check my aspirin supply.) (Nun)Chuck is awestruck at the sight of a gong and picks it up lovingly. (Up)Chuck is toying with the idea of a tuba (the only instrument he feels is man enough for a big guy like him), until I wander by and mention my curiosity at how much grapefruit would fit in it. (Up)Chuck puts the tuba down. Then he remembers the good times he had doing the polka with Hilda and picks up an accordion.
The rest of the team heads to the castle, while I make a stop for some Sheila cooking essentials and the makings for martikis.
The team is very happy with our accommodations, as this is a lovely castle, although Paris, the agent from Hawaii, is a tad chilly.
I make a gourmet meal to the amazement of Alex Architect. I think that when I retire from the Louvre and ISIS, I will open a restaurant, Chez Sheila.
The next morning, I awaken and prepare a scrumptious breakfast for the team. I then receive a phone call from Karin telling me that she is in Montreal. I tell her to go south to a town called Potsdam, then go west. How can she go wrong? She is from Potsdam (the one in Germany), so she shouldn’t have any problems.
Paris disappears during the late afternoon. The rest of the team is enjoying Sheila’s St. Lawrence soufflé, when Paris returns with the mysterious ‘John.’ As I watch her arrival, I am shocked to see a guitar case come around the corner. Okay, so it wasn’t the case that did it, it was the person holding the case: Deputy Do ‘em in. I dive for cover.
I am stuck in Bob Diamond’s castle with the man who tried to kill the Diamonds, shot me in the foot, caused my disastrous marriage to Rico Suave, shot me in the chest and then tried to shoot Karin. Has Paris lost her lovely mind??????!!!!!!?????? I gently ask her.
She tells me that she feels safer with him there, and besides he and his two friends are real musicians.
Aspirins and martikis all around. I tell Jack that even though Deputy Demonic shot me … twice, he is not a threat to us now. Jack is not convinced, but he is blessedly unarmed.
Karin calls me to tell me that she has arrived in Lake Placid. How did she confuse Potsdam with Placid??? Apparently some helpful yokel decided the confused German tourist did not know where she wanted to go and gave her some helpful directions. I tell her to spend the night and then head back.
We all meet in the music room to begin our composing careers. Most of us are okay, but Jack really sucks, and we decide that it is better not to let (Up)Chuck touch his accordion after noticing that one of his fingers spanned three small accordion keys.
A stunned Deputy Doubtful takes Paris aside and tries to politely tell her that we should not quit our day jobs. She informs him that this is a cover and then reassures him that he is not required to off anybody during this assignment.
Not surprisingly, we all sleep in the next morning, except for (Up)Chuck, who is busy doing calisthenics in the garden, and (Nun)Chuck, who is practicing a rare form of … something, that combines Chinese, Vietnamese and Japanese martial arts.
Alex gets up and goes to the guards’ cottage and asks if he can take one of the cars to the casino. However, since he doesn’t have a plan, they don’t want to give him a car. I go and tell them I am going to the museum with a story about trying to get an exhibit of Native American art together, so they give me a car.
Alex is pouting about the whole casino thing, so I offer to drop him off, along with Rossi and Dana’s musician friends.
As we are driving to the reservation, I get pulled over. It takes all of my powers of restraint not to tell off Sheriff Buford T. Dullard, who obviously has to write extra tickets to help the county pay for his expansive uniforms. Unfortunately, there is no registration or insurance cards in the car, but luckily, Fat Boy’s fingers are too pudgy to make holding a pen comfortable, and he doesn’t ticket me for that.
We continue on to the reservation. The boys, except for Jack (I will not let him out of my sight anywhere near a gambling establishment), go to the casino, which turns out to be a real dive.
Jack and I go to the museum where I pitch my story. The ‘curator’ is not really buying it and refuses to show me around the reservation. Since nothing is happening here, Jack and I go for lunch at another hole in the wall on the reservation. The proprietor is nice but rather intuitive and, therefore, annoying. Since she takes my side in the whole car argument, Jack doesn’t like her.
She finally accuses of us being law enforcement types (does that make you laugh as hard as it made us laugh?), so we leave.
I give Jack four minutes to go into the ‘casino’ and get the boys or I will shoot him. He makes it in three minutes and nineteen seconds.
We head back to the castle. I get pulled over again, this time by one of Sheriff Dullard’s men, Deputy Dipshit (not to be confused with Deputy Dorkhead) and get another ticket. Luckily, I don’t plan on being in the country long enough to make a court appearance.
Well, this mission is off to a stellar start: Diamond is shaking in his bunny slippers because his former would-be assassin, Deputy Dana, is at his castle, our musical careers are not much more promising than our spy careers, Karin is driving all over the f*@#% state of New York, Alex has still not repaid his debt to Jack, my first trip to the reservation yielded no promising leads, and my excellent driving record has been tarnished.
On the bright side, (Up)Chuck has not experienced any intestinal distress related to my cooking.