Wednesday morning finds the team sleeping off hangovers, except for the on-the-wagon (Up)Chuck, who is outside oiling up and doing calisthenics.
I share the news report of the demise of one Vicat Wryter in Scotland, while in the bathroom of a playhouse. Jack dubs (Nun)Chuck the Toilet Terminator.
Paris eventually rises and makes a call to Snotty Ass Dellinger to find out where to pick up the contraband cigarettes that we are going to pretend to smuggle across the Indian Reservation. The team decides that Rossi and Karin will drive the truck with (Up)Chuck and Paris following behind in one of Diamond’s Range Rovers.
Jack has decided to lead his would-be assassins on a merry chase across the states. He leaves without giving us his itinerary, but we figure we’ll be able to follow his trail on the nocal news (a strange phenomenon apparently particular to upstate New York).
After the team departs, the love struck Deputy Doter wants to know if I want to go and keep an eye out on the team. I tell him yes (even though his refusal to let me take one of Jack’s discarded rifles annoys me) and off we go. Who would ever have thought that I’d be working with Deputy Double Shot!
We set up in a conveniently located gazebo nearby and watch the events unfold. Although (Up)Chuck has some difficulty keeping up with Rossi, eventually we see the team arrive.
Karin and Rossi start unloading the cigarettes with a couple of armed Indians and (Up)Chuck and Paris go into a nearby building with the Smugglers-In-Charge.
Paris’s suspicions have been raised by the smuggling Indian Richie’s obvious relief that she came with the shipment.
Inside the building, (Up)Chuck goes into attack mode when he realizes that one of the men inside is a Russian who recently became employed by the Scottish Quickening Clan. He pulls his gun and asks them what is going on. Richie pulls out his peace pipe and brings the room to order. Once all of the weapons have been lowered, Paris gives them the money.
I am happily watching the events when I receive yet another third degree burn from my Electro-Shock Corp. cell phone. I answer it. It’s Flash telling me in response to Paris’s inquiry that the contractors are headed to northern New York in search of their prey.
Then I see three men leave the building, check Paris’s duffel bag and begin loading their weapons. I give Paris a friendly call on her benign cell phone. She comes toward one of the building’s windows to answer the phone. She must have become alarmed by the sight of armed men running past because she yelled something like "duck" (this has been edited to maintain Paris’s demure reputation). I tell Deputy Dove Eyes to shoot.
Anyway, this is basically what happened next. Deputy Dispatcher shoots one of the armed men outside the building. Paris dives to the floor. (Up)Chuck starts shooting at Baggs (the Russian), and Boyd (the other guy left in the room) tries to shoot at (Up)Chuck.
Richie has left the building and is outside where Rossi and Karin are unloading the cigarettes. (Up)Chuck upturns the shot-up table toward Baggs and pulls his gun. Paris suddenly remembers that she has a gun and goes for it. Deputy Do-‘em-In shoots a second outside man. Karin, hearing the shots and the yelling, shoots the third outside man. Richie, slightly put out that a man has lost his torso right in front of him, shoots at Karin, but misses. (Up)Chuck, after taking several shots to the bullet proof vest, manages to shoot Baggs. Boyd is experiencing the most devastating-to-a-man situation of having his gun jam (I’m told that’s even worse than shooting blanks) repeatedly. Paris shoots Boyd and gives him a lovely wound.
Outside the building, Karin, perceiving that Richie will try to do her bodily injury, shoots him in the chest. (Up)Chuck begins shooting at Baggs … a lot. No really, he was seeing red, but that was simply because the only thing left where Baggs’s head used to be was a big red splotch on the floor. Eventually, he realizes that Baggs may not still be alive, you know - on account of having no head left and all. Paris tells him to knock out Boyd, which (Up)Chuck does - kind of a la Sheila - thus ensuring that Boyd will not wake up for several hours.
Paris gets back on the phone and, as always, having her priorities in order, asks me where her money is. I tell her it is on the side of the building.
Outside, Rossi, seeing the mayhem unfolding before him, pulls his gun and points it at the man next to him. The two girls that are also helping with the unloading pull their guns, except that one of them must have gone to the Jack Payne school of Quick Draw and has not only dropped her gun, but lost it, as well. Unfortunately, the other girl not only has a good grip on her gun, but it is pointed at the back of Rossi’s head. Karin and Richie argue over ‘oo shot at ‘oo first and Rossi drops his gun. The girl lowers hers and Karin heads toward the building. Paris asks her where the money is then tells her to start reloading the cigarettes.
Paris gets the money and Rossi and Karin start to load the cigarettes again, but they are interrupted by the sound of sirens indicating the approach of the tribal police. After Paris yells at Richie to deliver the cigarettes and she will pay him, the team jumps in the Range Rover and Rossi heads out along a narrow road with the police in hot pursuit.
Paris and Karin are attempting to find handholds in the truck as (Up)Chuck climbs into the back with his shotgun. As (Up)Chuck is about to try and shoot the window out, Paris realizes that it has bullet proof glass and yells, "STOP!" After several death-defying driving maneuvers, Rossi gets the team off the reservation only to have the pursuit picked up by the local sheriff’s department.
He pulls some really neat moves by dropping the car into neutral and having the police car, that was trying to spin them, end up shooting past the now-turned Range Rover at break neck speed. Rossi heads the other way and picks up yet another chase car. (Up)Chuck finally gets Rossi to roll the window down and points the shotgun at the chasing police car which comes to an abrupt stop.
Not surprisingly, Rossi is now lost. By the time the team makes it back to the boathouse on the mainland, Deputy Dorkhead and I are back at the castle, where I am preparing hors d'oeuvres and a pitcher of Martikis and he is practicing his music.
The team is examining the damage to the Range Rover, which has a couple of dents to the body and a wasted transmission, when Rossi pulls out a gun and tries to put it out of its misery.
Snotty Ass Dellinger and his sidekick, John, pull up and ask where their cigarettes are. Paris tells him that they will be delivered, even as he laments his future posting on the Aleutian Islands. (Up)Chuck tells him that the islands are quite nice, which does not make Snotty Ass very happy.
Rossi, putting on his Oscar Goldman persona, tells everybody that he has the technology and can rebuild the Range Rover better than it was before, but the castle staff instruct him to move away from the vehicle.
The team returns to the castle and I ask them how it went. Paris tells me it was splendid, but (Up)Chuck opens his shirt to reveal a happy face shaped design in his bullet proof vest. We begin to drink. After a few Martikis, Paris calls Richie to make sure the deal is still on and tells him that Karin is sorry she shot him. I make a scrumptious dinner.
Then we turn on the nocal news, but surprisingly, there is no mention of the mayhem at the reservation.
The team settles in for the night. Paris snuggles in the arms of Deputy Devoted, Karin sleeps fitfully without Hans to warm her, Rossi climbs in bed with his drumsticks on one side and his shades on the other, (Up)Chuck clings to his now ruined bullet proof vest, and I am unable to sleep due to nightmares about Jack in Atlantic City, Jack in Reno, Jack in Vegas - you get the picture.