As I start this report, I will take a moment to reflect what’s going on: Paris, Karin, Deputy Doe Eyes, (Up)Chuck and I are staying at a castle waiting for the arrival of a huge shipment of precursor drugs while ducking Russian-Scottish assassins, Rossi is in the company of a psycho cop named Jack (hmmm … coincidence?), and Britain’s snootiest are with Luke Deveraux and Maggie Malone chasing a Russian submarine to the Bahamas.
I'm having a nightmare that the U.S. Geological Survey geeks are in my bedroom on account of a mysterious anomaly on their Richter Scale monitors when I realize that a lamp has fallen off the table as a result of my piece of *@#& cell phone’s vibration. I politely answer the phone. It’s one of Britain’s Snootiest, Mitchell Stewart. He got word of the fact that a team was operating in this area and, due to a British intelligence photo of (Nun)Chuck leaving the U.K. shortly after the bathroom bludgeoning of one Vicat Wryter, he seems to think that it’s my team. I overcome the Martiki aftermath and tell him what team members I have here and that we are interested in obtaining the drugs. He tells me that they are bound for Nova Scotia on a cargo ship, while the submarine is expected to head toward an island in the Bahamas that Sir Keene Elliot owns.
I consider going outside to set up trip wires in preparation for (Up)Chuck’s morning oil, flex and run, but I’m too tired. I get up early to make breakfast and find Deputy Dribbler making a lovely breakfast for Paris, the agent, not the city. I go outside and get some flowers for him to put on the tray. Hey, I can be nice …
At breakfast, the fasting (Up)Chuck (who would rather starve, although there’s little danger of that happening, than eat one of my meals) mentions that he thinks it’s odd that there has been no mention of the melee at the reservation on the nocal news, but it’s most likely because the tribal police are in on the smuggling action. He mentions that clearly, we don’t need to run the next time things get a little hot at the reservation. Rossi, who thoroughly enjoyed the chase, disagrees.
Paris eventually rises from her love nest and gets a phone call from Richie telling her that the cigarettes have been delivered. So Paris, (Up)Chuck, Karin and Rossi go to the reservation to bring Richie his money.
(Up)Chuck and Paris manage to convince Richie that (Up)Chuck’s protection skills could come in handy (of course, he doesn’t know (Up)Chuck’s past history) and Karin apologizes again for putting a hole in Richie’s chest.
Later, (Up)Chuck gets a call from Richie who wants to meet to discuss (Up)Chuck doing some work for him. (Up)Chuck doesn’t want to meet at the reservation, so he arranges to meet at a bar in the town outside the reservation the next evening.
That night, I am once again awakened by the sound of crashing glass as my electrified cell phone causes an ashtray to jump off of the night stand. Surprise, surprise - it’s Mitchell. He tells me that the tribal police have made inquiries about (Up)Chuck, Paris and Jack and that the drugs are one day out from Nova Scotia.
I wake Paris and (Up)Chuck to see what they want to tell the police. When Mitchell calls back I tell him that (Up)Chuck, aka Mark Something or Other, likes to protect, flex, oil, take long walks on the beach and is frequently in the company of Paris, the smuggler, not the agent, Paris is a smuggler extraordinaire who enjoys fine dining and lovely evenings, and Jack was last seen buying weapons in the upstate New York area.
(Up)Chuck decides to take Rossi as his driver to the meeting, since Karin won’t let Rossi drive her rental wreck because she was less than impressed with his automotive care two days before. Karin drives Paris so they can find a good vantage point from which to watch.
After they leave, Deputy Deceitful and I sneak off to find a place to watch and help, if necessary.
(Up)Chuck goes into the bar while Rossi dons his sunglasses and sits in the car. Paris and Karin are in Karin’s rented car across the street. Deputy Do-Em-In is unable to find a spot that suits his finicky needs, so we go into the bar and hide in plain sight.
(Up)Chuck sits at a table and is soon joined by Richie, Tony (the gambling Indian) and John Something MacScottish (of Scotland Yard). Now what the f*#% is he doing here!?!
Outside the bar, Paris and Karin watch as a woman approaches young Rossi and has him roll down the window. It turns out this is no ordinary woman. She is the cop that Rossi out-maneuvered after leaving the reservation. She makes him get out of the car and runs the plate. She is none-to-pleased when the car comes back as registered to one untouchable Bob Diamond. She grabs Rossi and drags him into the bar.
Meanwhile, after Tony and John Something MacScottish (who claims to be here on tourist duty) leave, (Up)Chuck reveals the true identity of John Something MacScottish to Richie.
While Richie rants about what he’s going to do to Tony for bringing a cop here, Rossi’s psycho sheriff has told him that he must drink until he confesses to what he was doing two days ago. He orders an iced tea, which she amends to a Long Island Iced Tea.
(Up)Chuck leaves with Richie in his car and Richie’s cohort following. Richie gives (Up)Chuck an envelope containing half of his $30,000 payment for making sure that all goes well with Richie’s upcoming transaction (that being the receipt of a really big shipment of precursor drugs from a Scottish ship that will have engine trouble necessitating a stop at the reservation on its way down the St. Lawrence River.)
Karin is salivating in the car outside the bar so Paris tells her to go get a drink.
Rossi’s psycho cop has handcuffed him to her.
Deputy Disregarder and I are pretending not to know any of the loonies in the bar.
Karin comes in, orders a beer, and is approached by a large man named Bear who says, "what’s up, baby?" Unfortunately, Karin has been studying The Clueless Foreigner’s Guide to English Expressions, and asks him if he shits in the woods. This leads to a less than savory discussion about whether or not Karin had fur and what Bear wanted to do to her fur.
(Up)Chuck, having concluded his business with Richie, returns to the bar. After unsuccessfully trying to get Rossi to leave the lovely law woman’s company even though she has unlocked the handcuffs, he notices Karin’s distress and asks in German if she is okay. She tells him no, the big man wants to rub shit in her fur, even though she told him she has babies or woods. Remarkably, (Up)Chuck understands that she means that Bear is coming on to her and he tells Bear to leave her alone.
Just when things were heating up and Karin was trying to leave, Psycho Sheriff tells everyone to stay where they are - she’ll be right back.
Outside in the car, Paris watches as Psycho Sheriff pulls a shotgun from her car and returns to the bar. She calls (Up)Chuck’s cell phone to ask if everything is okay. Upon seeing the sheriff’s large … gun, Bear hastily leaves Karin and (Up)Chuck. They get up to leave.
Outside in the car, Paris has attracted the attention of another police officer. She tells him she is waiting for a friend. At that moment Karin and (Up)Chuck emerge from the bar. (Up)Chuck is concerned that the cop will recognize him as the face behind the shotgun, so Karin trips in front of the car to cause a distraction. Thankfully, unlike the Miami disaster, she avoids really hurting herself and gets into the car with Paris. (Up)Chuck is able to get to his truck undetected.
Deputy Done With This and I finally leave Rossi to his psycho cop (against my better judgment - he always picks bad women - usually assassins) and return to the castle.
I wrap my Electro Shock phone in insulation and crawl into bed. My sweet dreams of my neat and orderly apartment are interrupted by horrible images of a large Bear running after a furry Karin, Jack drowning in poker chips, (Up)Chuck oiled and flexed, Rossi and psycho cop doing the nasty while wearing dark shades and Deputy Dork and Paris having a … lovely copulation.
Boy do I wish Mitchell would call and wake me up …