Well, the fit has hit the shan! We’ve lost a stock broker, Rossi’s dad and Checkers, (Nun)Chuck has endured several body cavity searches, Mickey Mouse is about to be sodomized, Jack is living large in Las Vegas, Faux Jack may commit an act of terrorism, and I am once again in the unenviable position of working for Uncle Sam. Have I mentioned before that I don’t like working for Uncle Sam. No? Well it’s no coincidence that I live in France.
You’re probably wondering what happened since the last report to bring about all of this (especially the part about Mickey Mouse), right? Here goes:
The next morning, Paris calls Jordan and tells him to sell our Dillion Pharmaceutical and put the principal into Krispy Kreme stock. We make a nice little profit. Then she tells me that Jack called her last night.
So, let me get this straight. The little f*@^#& has had me worried all this time about whether he is okay or not, and he called Paris?? I call the object of my ire and express my displeasure. Being a typical male, he seems confused as to what he’s done wrong. After a fruitless conversation, I hang up.
Paris calls Snotty Ass and requests that he give us some tracking devices to put on the drugs so we don’t lost track of where they are.
(Up)Chuck goes to the reservation to finalize the arrangements with Richie. He decides that we will be night wing 1 through night wing 5, and chooses locations for the team to set up: Deputy Double Tap and Paris in the gazebo, Rossi driving the decoy truck, Karin with him and me in the water tower.
Just as the boat is arriving, I suffer a third-degree cell phone-induced burn and answer my phone. It’s Mitchell. Although he is disappointed to not have awoken me, he tells me he needs to know where Jack is. I tell him it’s not a good time and he agrees to call me back. I hang up and receive a burn to the hand as my cell phone starts to shock/vibrate again. It’s Rossi. He’s babbling something about people investigating him and going to his father to ask questions. I tell him I’ll call him back.
A car arrives on the reservation. (Up)Chuck radios us that it is the money car, so we relax a little.
(Up)Chuck has managed to put one of the tracking devices under the truck’s wheel well.
The newly arrived car contains two Germans, a Scot (although Karin later tells us that he was, in fact a Russian) and the money. One of the Germans makes Karin very uncomfortable and he keeps insinuating that he knows she is German, even though she is doing almost as good a job at faking an American accent as (Up)Chuck is at faking a Texan drawl. (Actually, (Up)Chuck sound like Kevin Costner trying to portray Robin Hood and Karin’s feeble attempt at an American accent is like listening to George W. try to sound literate.
Anyway, while the German, Christopher Janetz, is trying to drop hints to Karin that he knows she is German, (Up)Chuck accompanies the money to the loft next door to be counted. On the way, back he manages to set another tracking device on the barrels of drugs after the Indians, noticing his bulging … muscles ask him to help them load the barrels onto the truck.
(Up)Chuck goes back into the building and Richie and the Germans conclude their business. (Up)Chuck tells Rossi to drive the decoy truck in a southwesterly direction. Karin and (Up)Chuck have a drink with Richie.
Rossi starts driving and then realizes he is being followed by the police (even with his sunglasses on, the unmistakable flash of lights in his rearview mirror was evident). He calls (Up)Chuck who has no helpful advice to offer, so Rossi throws his phone out the window and stops for the police and DEA.
Eventually, Paris, Deputy Deprived (of a shot), (Up)Chuck, Karin and I head back to the castle. Then I remember that I have to call Rossi back. I try his cell phone, but he is unavailable (even thought he police recovered the thrown device, the cell phone suffered some damage on impact and no longer works, hmmm … maybe I should thrown my cell phone out a car window …).
Upon arriving at the castle, we begin the midnight Martiki ritual. Paris calls Snotty Ass and he thanks us for his upcoming promotion due to the huge drug bust he just made. I try Rossi again, but there is still no answer. Mitchell calls and, even though, once again, he has failed to wake me, tells me that Jack has been tracked to both Las Vegas and a gambling boat out of New Orleans. I call Jack and try to surreptitiously ask him if he set up a double to travel and confuse his trail. Well, confuse is the operative word here. Even though I know he has failed out of Spy Speak 101 several times, he obviously has no idea what I’m talking about, although I am pretty sure that he is the Jack in Las Vegas.
Rossi returns in the morning, having spent the evening in the custody of the DEA and tells us that the DEA failed to return his sunglasses and the Germans and the Scot/Russian were arrested. He overheard Janetz say something about how the others had better take care of him or Jack will attack the Big Red and send it to the bottom. Even those of us who passed Spy Speak 101 are having trouble with that one.
Since Rossi is still very concerned about the call he got from his dad telling him that people were investigating him, Karin and I drive him to Binghamton to check on his folks.
The nocal news is reporting that the largest club drug bust in U.S. history took place last night, netting drugs with a street value of approximately $80 million. We pull into Rossi’s hometown and see police and firefighter activity at his dad’s gas station. The sheriff reveals that Rossi isn’t a Junior anymore. We leave Rossi to take care of the funeral arrangements and head back to the castle.
After we get back, Paris reveals that our friendly stockbroker, Jordan, was killed in a car accident during his lunch break. Shit! I call my plant-watering neighbor to check on my apartment. She informs me that it is still neat and orderly and I breathe a sigh of relief. Until I have another thought … I call Jack’s neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonack, to check on Checkers, only to find out that Checkers has checked out. I drag Karin to New York City with me, so I can rescue Checker’s remains from the plastic bag that Jack’s idiotic neighbor put him in and have him cremated (the cat, not the neighbor).
Meanwhile, Paris checks her email and finds a bizarre file showing Mickey Mouse singing most of the Mousketeer song, until he is torpedoed. (Up)Chuck panics and calls his law enforcement contacts to tell them that Mickey Mouse is going to get shot up the ass. When the laughter subsides, he realizes that they are not going to help him. Paris calls Snotty Ass and asks if she can meet with him. Since he is in New York City, Deputy Doberman, (Up)Chuck and Paris head to the Big Apple.
I retrieve Checkers’s body, confirm that he has in fact expended all of his nine lives (after all, he was Jack’s cat) and take it to a vet for cremation. Then (Nun)Chuck calls me. Apparently, he is less than thrilled to have been detained and forced to undergo a full body cavity search at the hands of U.S. customs. I tell him to come to the Stanhope Hotel where I am staying with Karin.
It’s time to check in with the team, so I call Paris. As luck would have it, Paris and company are also staying at the Stanhope! We meet. We compare notes and crack the case. Since I am now anxious for Mitchell to call me back, I go to sleep. About two hours later, he calls.
I tell him that we have figured out that the submarine is going to bomb Disney’s cruise boat, the Big Red, and blame it on the faux Jack that is currently in Miami. Then I call Jack and tell him to be absolutely positively identified as having been in Las Vegas at this time, so he goes and applies for the next police test, fingerprints and all.
(Nun)Chuck is eager to kill again and wants to go hunt down Faux Jack. I tell him to go, but not to kill Faux Jack. I would like him to call for further instructions when he finds the impostor.
Paris, (Up)Chuck and Deputy Do-It-All go to meet Snotty Ass and his partner Michael (the idiot I had a fling with on a Caribbean cruise). Paris tries to relay the situation in a factual and believable manner, but once again, (Up)Chuck’s story of Mickey’s upcoming anal agitation is met with mirth. However, they do take the crew back to their office to check Paris’s email for any possible threats. The staff at the DEA office thoroughly enjoy Mickey’s predicament, however, there is a message for Paris stating that she owes $80 million dollars. Since they now have a substantiated threat, the ‘higher ups’ get involved.
Paris and company return to the hotel and we are enjoying room service when Paris tells me the Tony from the reservation is actually a DEA agent and was in the N.Y. office. I ask her to call him and see if he can tell us anything about the Indian talisman that was left with Checkers’s lifeless body in Jack’s apartment.
Snotty Ass and Tony show up. (Up)Chuck apologizes to Tom for having blown his cover. Tony tells us that the talisman is a revenge token and was probably made and purchased at the upstate reservation. Snotty Ass has lost some of his ‘I am getting a promotion’ glow, but he won’t tell Paris what’s wrong. Then he tells us that we are to pack our things, there is an escort waiting to take us to a waiting military plane so we can go to Bermuda.
You know, I don’t particularly want to go to Bermuda. I call Diamond and tell him what’s up. Unfortunately, he doesn’t believe that the phone line is breaking up when he asks why Deputy Double Shot was at the castle and is still with us. Fortunately, he didn’t ask about the really expensive stained glass window that Rossi broke!
The sight of a waiting motorcade tells me that I should just catch the next flight to Paris, the city not the agent, along with Paris, the agent, not the city, but there’s no opportunity.
After a real cloak and dagger flight to Bermuda and our covert insertion onto the Southern Star (the ship that Luke, Maggie and the MI-6 team - Mitchell, Fiona and Corey the Scot - are on), I am firmly convinced that I don’t want to be here.
Having left the government’s employ years ago for the more worker-friendly environment of ISIS, I register an official complaint about having to work for Uncle Sam.
Somewhere along the line, Uncle Sam picked up (Nun)Chuck and brought him here, as well.
Apparently, Deputy Dana was not supposed to leave his home base, and Maggie seems a bit - perturbed - at him.
Anyway, Luke and Maggie inform us that we have to come up with a plan to confront Llewelyn Flynn, get Sir Keene Elliot to come to the Bahamas so he can be caught red-handed, and have them admit to the whole ramming a torpedo up Mickey’s ass thing. Then Luke asks who would like to confront Flynn. Thinking this was a hypothetical question, (Up)Chuck says that he would. Luke thanks him for volunteering and tells the rest of us to come up with a plan. While (Up)Chuck laments his lack of Fortune points, the rest of us scratch our heads (because those blankets they threw over us on the way here were really itchy) and try to formulate a plan.
May I take this opportunity to say Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhh! What have I gotten myself into? Jack is off somewhere gambling and signing up for police tests (and he probably used Inspector Clusine as a reference), Faux Jack is leaving a trail in Miami, Rossi is attending his dad’s wake, (Up)Chuck is battling the spectre of seasickness, (Nun)Chuck is telling everybody that I sent him to Miami to kill Faux Jack, Fiona and Mitchell keep talking about underwear that is two sizes two small (see Mitchell’s reports), Trevor Thyne Hardwick is denying any knowledge of the SPOATS, Deputy Doberman is following Luke out with his tail between his legs, Paris has yet to realize that she won’t get a decent salad on this barge, Karin is driving me crazy by practicing her American accent, there are NO makings for a Martiki onboard, and I still have to get back and replace Checkers with an exact duplicate before Jack finds out …