I had this weird dream last night that the team and I were hot on the trail of a lawn gnome that was taking the secret of Cold Fusion on Spring Break. Than I fell asleep and realized that was reality. Shit …
A little explanation may be in order, so here goes. After our investigation into the Neo-Nazi plot to genetically engineer a new Aryan Nation, we ended up in Chicago for a week of debriefing so boring, it made me wish to be sitting in a car in Germany with Rossi crooning to his sunglasses while waiting for the most boring German in the world to do absolutely nothing. The only saving grace was (as Paris would say) the caffeine buffet and the indoor pool (although the staff was appallingly uneducated as to the ingredients of a Martiki). This week has even bored away my formerly ever-present headache, and my extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin remains packed away in my suitcase.
With little else to do, the team plans a weekend trip to the zoo.
On Friday morning, the team is assembled in the break room, a change from the usual meeting in a private room with some generic government paper pusher who is only differentiable from the other red tape men by the size of his … paper clips.
(Up)Chuck, having been dared by Rossi into eating a tray full of jalapeño peppers (men are such idiots) last night, is strangely absent this morning.
Paul Leddo, in his customary blue suit and red tie (he was daring today - the tie had diagonal stripes), accompanied by another disheveled man holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup enter the room. They tell us that a local agent had made a deal with a physicist at a Chicago University to obtain a (possibly successful) cold fusion experiment. Unfortunately, the agent was killed when a tractor trailer ran over his car (and this guy didn’t even know (Up)Chuck’s Hilda) and did not make it to the dead drop to get the bomb (although he did his best with the dead part).
Sure sounds like a job for our team, huh? Would you trust Paris it-will-be-a-lovely-bombing Mulhare, John if-my-sunglasses-and-the-bomb-are-both-falling-which-will-I-pick-up Rossi, Mackenzie as-long-as-I-am-away-from-ground-zero-I-can-write-a-cool-story-about-it Daniels, Karin and Hans we-are-too-busy-creating-our-own-fireworks-to worry-about-ze-bomb ze Germans, Sheila my-ElectroShock-cell-phone-should-not-go-anywhere-near-a-potentially-explosive-device Lysniewski, and Jack the-International-Cabaret-Terrorist Payne with a bomb???
Apparently, yes. In a display of bad judgment, rivaled only by (Up)Chuck’s choice of after dinner snacks, the powers that be have decided to send us in!
It turns out that the now flattened Fed was a squat 220 pound 5 foot 6 inches short middle aged man, thus negating our ability to have anybody pose as an impostor. Hans is slightly relieved at this news.
Realizing that we will have to rely on our investigative abilities and stealth, we all get a little nauseous. We devise a plan and I run to my room to retrieve my extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin.
Here’s our plan: Rossi and I will go break into the physicist’s house before returning to break into his administrative office at the university. Jack and Paris will break into his lab office after he’s left the school and Karin and Hans will follow him when he leaves. Mackenzie will sift through the intelligence we have looking for a clue and (Up)Chuck will spend the day praying to the porcelain altar.
We rent cars and Rossi and I head to the physicist’s home in Lake Forest. I must have been busy concocting a recipe for Chicago Shish kebob, because I didn’t notice that he was lost until I saw the sign welcoming us to Wisconsin. What kind of a *&#$ driver is he? We turn around.
Meanwhile, at the school, Paris and Jack are checking out the secure facility in which the professor’s lab office is located. The inner sanctum is protected by a card reader turnstile and a guard desk. Jack tells Paris that he has a plan. She immediately vetoes it on principle (it is a Jack plan).
He wants to pick the pocket of a student to get an access card. As they are debating the pros and cons of Jack’s plan, a young male student, drawn like a bee to honey, approaches the lovely Paris. As he is talking to her, Jack, posing as Paris’s brother (oh Paris, never pretend to related to Jack - look what happened to my apartment after he said he was my cousin …), attempts to pick his pocket, but - I know this will surprise you - is unsuccessful. The student asks what he is doing and Jack, using all of his powers of deception, lies and says that his (the student’s, not Jack’s) wallet was falling out. This might have been plausible had the wallet been in that pocket … Paris takes the opportunity to check out the young man’s derriere. He must have passed her scrutiny, because she goes for coffee with him, leaving Jack to his own devices.
Jack eventually manages to separate an unsuspecting student from his swipe card.
Paris is having a lovely cup of coffee with the young man and his surfer friend and accepting invitations to accompany them on Spring Break to South Padre Island when her phone rings. It’s Jack, he wants her to come back.
She heads back to the lab building, where another young man opens the door and hits her. By way of apology, he invites her along on his Spring Break trip to South Padre Island.
Karin and Hans have managed to find the physicist, who is proctoring an exam. They wait, although Hans seems to be suffering from some sort of hops withdrawal.
Rossi and I have managed to make it to the physicist’s house. Rossi picks the locks on the door, but something about the way he is staring at the electronic keypad inside the house tells me that I should shove him out of the way and take care of it. He goes to search the upstairs, while I check out the study. I push some inconsequential receipts out of the way and hear a crash from upstairs, followed by a request for crazy glue or duct tape. It turns out that Rossi, despite my warning not to touch anything, especially the VCR, has broken the professor’s old fashioned phone.
Back at the school, Jack and Paris are going to use the swipe card to enter the lab. He swipes it and surreptitiously passes it to Paris, who swipes it only to have an alarm go off. She flashes an absolutely lovely smile at the guard and tells him that the turnstile is broken. He buzzes her in. Jack shakes his head in amazement (had he been with me, the SWAT team would already be there …). They head to the office and realize that the student swipe card will probably not gain them access to the office.
The physicist’s exam has ended a little early and he heads to the parking lot. Karin calls Paris and me to tell us that he is on the move. Since Rossi and I are slightly behind schedule, thanks to a side trip to the Cheese state, and we didn’t find much, we head out, noticing how neat, orderly and anal everything is on the man’s property. Not a trowel or misplaced plant pot to be found.
Hans is suddenly stricken by an irrepressible need to use the men’s room, and Karin follows the physicist to his car. She attempts to delay him with inane questions (there’s a stretch),but he haphazardly throws his papers into the back seat and leaves. Hans comes out and they are able to follow him home.
As Karin calls to tell me they are in Lake Forest, Rossi and I are arriving at the university. I call Paris and find out that they are in the student union. We meet them there. As we are imparting information as to what we found at the house and the physicist’s anal lawn care, I realize that one of the receipts I had pushed aside was for a lawn gnome. How odd …
We brain storm and it dawns on Paris, that perhaps, the professor, who would never have a ghastly gnome on his lawn was using it for the dead drop. Rossi and I recall passing a home with a garishly decorated lawn a few blocks from the physicist’s home.
It occurs to us that we will have to steal the lawn gnomes to look for the bomb.
It’s Rossi’s turn to shine. He explains that he has some experience in this area, and is obviously eager to contribute to the planning of this endeavor. He lists the necessary items: duct tape and a drop cloth (of course), two cases of beer and two bats. I’m okay with the tape, drop cloth and beer, but Paris and I have a problem with allowing Rossi near any gnomes that potentially contain a cold fusion bomb with a bat.
I call Karin and Hans to tell them not to leave the area. I tell Karin to find the house that has gnomes on its lawn. The sound of turning pages indicates that she is consulting her dictionary. She tells me that Nome is a city, and would surely not fit on a suburban lawn. Then she’s looking up moaning lawns (okay, so maybe I did say lawn moans, it’s not my fault - Jack was emptying the contents of his flask into my coffee). I explain that they are little things covering the lawn. She and Hans murmur something about weeds and flip some more pages. No, I yell, they have pointy hats. That throws them. They are unable to find a species of weed that has hats. Apparently, when I told Karin to buy a German to idiomatic English dictionary, she purchased the ever popular German to idiotic English dictionary instead. What have I done to deserve this??
At some point, the Germans pass the stupid gnome house and figure out what I meant. Good. I tell them to watch the gnomes until we get there. She asks if she should shoot any gnomes that attempt to escape. Great, now I have some twit who learned to speak English from watching Must-Not-See TV and a German to English slang dictionary pacifying me with offers to shoot lawn ornaments. I tell her to just do it and stay in full view of the gnomes. So, in an attempt to follow my instructions, they have sex in the car in front of the house, where the gnomes can see.
My once happily full bottle of aspirin is nearing the bottom. I tell Rossi to go get the beer.
We meet the idiots, I mean Germans, at the dwarven dwelling. Paris and I are able to wrest the bat from Rossi’s hands and Rossi, Hans and I go outside and attempt to locate the gnome in question. The unusual footprint pattern in the snow on the lawn indicates that, most likely, some stupid college frat fucks have taken our gnome as a prank. Since Spring Break is just beginning and Paris has managed to meet a number of eligible, if barely legal, men who are going to South Padre Island for their break, we surmise that our gnome is headed for Texas. Then the police arrive. Oh the indignity of it all! I’ve hit rock bottom. Of all the crimes I’ve been accused of, gnome pilfering is the lowest. Can I just cop to an assault or something? At least I’d be able to hold my head up.
The suburban we-are-going-to-rid-the-mean-streets-of-street-scum-like-you cops are questioning us about a certain missing gnome. They approach Jack and Paris, who are still sitting in their rented car. Jack tucks his gun into his belt and Paris tells the police that she is looking for Ben Black’s house and then places a cell phone call to him to make it look real. Wouldn’t you know it, we are right in front of his parents’ house!
Did I mention that it was cold? While Rossi and I are performing our own cold fusion experiment (his sunglasses have fused to his face and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move my facial muscles again), the cops ask where we are staying. They call the Sheraton only to have to talk to Johnny Generic and his red tie. Then they let us go.
A reluctant Black has come out and allows us to go in and meet the folks.
Paris is trying to find a place for us to stay on South Padre Island. After many frustrating phone calls, which only yield one hotel room, Karin emerges from her Hans haze to realize that she works in a hotel in Texas and has connections. Paris hands her the phone, while murmuring something about a female dog, and Karin is finally able to get us a suite at a resort.
We nestle into warm blankets that night with memories of the day flowing through our minds: Rossi is sending a lawn gnome into orbit with an aluminum bat, Karin dreaming of a gnormal life where nothing that sounds like it starts with ‘n’ is spelled with a ‘gn’, Hans is watching as someone else dresses up as a 5’6" fat man who is depending on (Up)Chuck’s counting ability for his very existence, (Up)Chuck is creating the perfect pepper specimen that causes no abdominal distress at all, Paris is trapped on a Gulf Island with more eligible bachelors than she knows what to do with, Mackenzie, bored with research, is having dinner with the cute blonde he met pool side, Paul Letto is wearing a daring blue-green tie with a checked pattern, Jack is holding up the cold fusion device and laughing a maniacal I-have-the-world-at-my-mercy laugh, and I am in a land devoid of any lawn gnomes, Germans, and International Terrorists, and where nothing is ever lovely!
Awards
Rossi
Jack
Paris
Mackenzie
Karin
Hans
Sheila