Okay, so two Neo-Nazis, an assassin, a gay detective and a bodyguard are in a bar in Monaco …
No, wait.
Okay, so a chef, a gambler, a German Goth chick and a Russian lover are in a car in Monaco …
Damn. I wanted to start today’s report with a joke, but all I can come up with is reality.
You might be wondering what bizarre circumstances could possibly cause (Up)Chuck to be in a gay bar (which he avoids like spicy food) talking to Paris’s (the city's, not the agent's) gayest detective, Andre LeCeuer (whom he avoids like a gastroenterologist) being watched by two Neo-Nazis who are in turn being watched by the ambiguously Oriental assassin, (Nun)Chuck.
Well, if you think that’s strange, how about the fact that Jack and I are sitting in a car outside a gay bar, not a casino, while in Monte Carlo, with Karin, who is for some unfathomable reason wearing leather lederhosen, and a Russian assassin named Anna, the newest team member who is in love with an African named Gamba that she only met two days ago, sitting in the back seat! Add to that the fact that Anna thinks I paid (Nun)Chuck to kill Gamba (that is ridiculous – I am paying him to kill the Neo-Nazis!) and the stage is set for a classic team encounter with the bad guys.
This was a simple mission to get some diamonds from someone named Colonel Saunders (and for some reason I can’t stop eating fried chicken this mission) while his mercenary boat is in port at Monte Carlo. We are not supposed to steal them from him, as he is a government resource in his own right and retribution would likely be swift, bloody and difficult to explain to a Senate subcommittee.
Anna and Claire have infiltrated the mercenary group, and when I say infiltrated … well let me just say that Anna takes her work seriously.
After a seriously challenging haggling session with (Nun)Chuck, he is around to watch out for the girls. In order to avoid his slipping onto the boat and slitting everybody’s throats, I had to agree to pay him for anti-assassinations. Basically, I’ll pay him for stopping the killing of our team members.
Rossi/Jack is planning on driving in the road rally. His plan: to bet money on himself (the odds are 20 to 1 against him), win the race and use the money to either buy the diamonds from Colonel Saunders or put the money up as collateral against the diamonds in some sort of competition with him.
Meanwhile, Saunders’ group arranges for Claire to drive their car. I sense an unhealthy competition coming on. Anna has hooked up with a large mercenary named Gamba and is quite smitten. (Nun)Chuck had a little liaison with the maitre d’ from a local restaurant and he too, is quite smitten, although not smitten enough that he wouldn’t drug her drink to get information from her.
Karin, who seemingly has gone over the deep end (as evidenced by the leather lederhosen), has been sampling all of the techno goth nightlife she can find. Rossi has asked her to be his navigator for the rally.
In the middle of all this, (Up)Chuck shows up in town with Paris, the agent not the city. I wonder if Miss DuBois knows he is here with Paris…
It seems that (Up)Chuck won a ‘free’ trip to Monte Carlo with a guest and he brought Paris with him, because he smelled a trap. When he met with his benefactors, it turns out that they asked all sorts of questions about the International terrorist Jacques and are looking to hire Jack or maybe (Up)Chuck for some sort of job.
Anyway, that was a little background for you. I’ll bring us up to the current events. Jack and I are enjoying some rare gambling (yes, I was being sarcastic) in the casino when (Nun)Chuck calls me and tells me that he just saw some of the Neo-Nazis from (Up)Chuck’s South American infiltration mission on the road and asks if I’ll pay him to kill them. First of all, he doesn’t have a positive ID, he just thinks they look like them (but don’t all round eyes look alike to him?) and second of all, that is not our current mission. I have no real reason to be able to sell this assassination to nameless acronyms back home.
A short time later, Rossi/Jack calls and tells me that he was just visited by two Neo-Nazis that asked where Michael Galahad (aka (Up)Chuck) was and insinuated that Rossi/Jack would not be finishing tomorrow’s rally. Rossi/Jack in turn told them that Jack was at a local gay bar, the Flaming Oyster.
Paris is in her hotel room poring through mounds of reports and paperwork from ISIS related to the mercenary group.
I call (Nun)Chuck to tell him that it is now okay to kill the Neo-Nazis. We haggle over the price.
15 grand.
I want 20.
15.
19,500.
15. Jack asks what’s going on and tells me to give him the 20, but demand the bodies in return. Okay, 20 but we want the bodies.
20 and the heads.
20 and the full bodies.
20 and the bodies from the waist up.
(When did haggling become so gruesome).
20 and the full bodies.
I try, but full bodies hard. I drag behind bike.
20 and do your best to bring back the bodies in one piece.
Deal.
I think that it may be advisable (and slightly amusing) for me to offer some sort of backup to (Nun)Chuck, so Jack and I hop into my car and I drive us to the bar. We park across the street to watch what’s going on.
I decide to call (Up)Chuck and warn him about the Neo-Nazis. (I know, we’re not great friends, hell we don’t even like each other, but the future expansion of my art wall may depend on his survival). He is not terribly appreciative at first. He tells me that the Neo-Nazis use Teflon bullets, so (Nun)Chuck should use caution.
I call (Nun)Chuck to tell him about the bullets.
Jack calls Clusine and tells him that some shit is about to go down at the Flaming Oyster. Clusine sends LeCeuer and calls in the armed response team.
Anna calls me and tells me that Gamba, with whom she was spending the night, just got called out in the middle of the night.
I call both Chucks to warn them that the mercenaries might be showing up. (Nun)Chuck is excited about earning 5k for killing Gamba. Only if he is an immediate threat to you, I tell him, forgetting that (Nun)Chuck considers anyone who has two arms, two legs and the possibility of a price on their head to be a threat to him.
Anna, a little suspicious that I didn’t seem surprised by her information, calls (Nun)Chuck, thinking that he’ll protect Gamba from harm. (Nun)Chuck thinks that they are competing for the same contract and tells her that she can kill Gamba but he gets the Neo-Nazis (they are worth more money). Anna is furious that I have supposedly ordered the killing of her love toy and heads to the bar.
After receiving my call, (Up)Chuck goes to the bar, too. I phone Rossi/Jack, but he is too busy staring at the Cabaret star whom he had met at a bar the other night and who just walked into the tent where he was working on his car.
I also phone Karin and manage to tell her over the strains of very loud techno goth music what is going on. She heads to the bar, as well.
Several odd things happen as we are watching. A motorcycle comes down the block and continues on. I definitely recognize the rider as a bad-ass Neo-Nazi. Then a woman in leather lederhosen comes skipping down the block. Oh wait, that’s Karin.
When Karin arrives, she hops into the back of my car. Now, I should tell you that it is NEVER good luck to have Karin in your car when you are in the vicinity of Monte Carlo. I don’t believe any car has survived a Karin encounter here unscathed. But then again, we are only parked, what could happen? (This is called foreshadowing … or stupidly tempting fate, you decide.)
Suddenly, Karin rolls down her window.
Pssst. Pssst.
She is trying to signal Anna, who is heading toward the entrance of the Flaming Oyster. Anna, although hesitant to be in the presence of the woman who wants her Gamba killed, gets into my car behind Jack.
She immediately accuses me of wanting Gamba killed.
Listen, I tell her, I only told him to off Gamba if he proved to be a threat. He is only supposed to be here to kill the Neo-Nazis, but then I called (Up)Chuck and he told me about the Teflon bullets, so I called (Nun)Chuck back…
The motorcycle came down the block again, stopped in front of the Flaming Oyster and put his left directional on for a few seconds before continuing on his way – obviously some sort of signal …
but then you told me that the mercenaries were on their way and I had to warn him about that, too, so I called again and he wanted money to kill Gamba, but I told him only if he had to …
My tale is interrupted by the thunderous sound of Karin’s Baby Desert Eagle as she fires at a white van coming down the block. Anna immediately jumps out of the car and runs for cover behind the car in back of mine so she can also shoot at the van.
Jack and I reach for our guns.
It occurs to me now that, even trusting in Karin’s finely attuned Nazi detection, this could have been disastrous had it only been a delivery person coming down the block. I think I’m going to recommend that she transfer to assassination. She is becoming about as fit to be around people as is (Nun)Chuck. She hasn’t been the same since her first love Hans’s head exploded next to her in a hotel room on South Padre Island.
Anyway, Jack, Anna and I all shoot at the van but it is still proceeding down the block.
Karin shoots again, doing massive damage to the van. Now, the purpose of shooting at the van was to stop it right? Did Karin’s shot stop the van? Well, if you mean stop it from continuing straight down the block, yes. If you mean having it come to a stop as in it’s not moving anymore and certainly not heading straight for my car, no. I knew I shouldn’t have let that bitch in my car!
I dive into Jack’s lap on the passenger side. Anna is fortunately out of the way of my car. The van crashes into my car sending it up on its side. My face is smushed against Jack’s face which is smushed against the window. The anorexic Karin is hanging from the hand strap above the window. She lets go and stands up. Jack is kicking out the windshield so we can get out of the car.
Anna sees the back door of the van open and several armed men jump out. The first fails his coordination roll miserably and lands in a heap on the floor. She shoots at the only one who has managed to draw his weapon. He drops to his knees and spins around.
Karin who is basically stuck standing in the back seat with her head out the window shoots another of the men that emerged from the back of the van. She blows his head off.
Jack kicks out the windshield and pulls me free.
Anna shoots and kills her original target.
Karin fires at the remaining target she can see and blows his head off, too.
Note to self: NEVER tell Karin that heads are going to roll.
Jack is in the lead as we run around the front of the van. He sees someone and shoots. Retirement definitely agrees with him as he has killed his target without hitting any hapless maids, innocent bystanders, trees or French doors.
I come around from behind Jack and kill one of the two remaining targets. Jack sees the idiot who fell and can’t seem to right himself and shoots and kills him.
Poor Claire is stuck on the boat with the mercenaries trying to convince them that she doesn’t know anything about two Jacks and she doesn’t know who Sheila is. Paris, who has taken many anti-kidnapping training courses and precautions may have handed the crown over…
So, that’s where I’ll leave it for now. We are standing in the middle of a street littered with bodies and body parts, the armed response units are heading our way and Lord only knows what’s going on inside the bar, where (Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck, Andre LeCeuer and two Neo-Nazis are probably about to have an encounter of a very deadly kind.