The Equipment of the Agents

Duct Tape and 1001 Uses for Duct Tape

Jack is not only an avid reader of the manual, but he hopes to be a contributing author some day. He has (nearly) perfected the duct tape tourniquet. His goal is to try all 1001 uses.

The Worst Case Scenario Handbook

Jack never leaves home without his Bible. He is one of the few people around who has actually found himself in more than half of the worst case scenarios listed in the book (and quite a few that aren’t).

Flask

Jack rarely goes anywhere without his flask (unless Cahill has ‘appropriated’ it).

Friendly Sternum Rub

Thinking it to be the best way of rousing an unconscious person, Jack has repeatedly used the friendly sternum rub. Unfortunately, this technique has resulted in Jack receiving some painful head butting as well as other injuries. He uses it with extreme caution now.

Alcohol and a Zippo lighter – (aka the Payne Flame-Thrower)

Since the GM does not seem inclined to issue a flame-thrower to Jack, he has to make due with the next best thing, a flammable substance and a lighter.

Dart Gun

Although Jack has not achieved a high rate of success with this weapon, it remains a personal favorite.

Handcuffs

(Up)Chuck has almost devised more uses for handcuffs than Jack has for duct tape. His creative use of a handcuff to keep a detonator in the engaged position prevented the Palace at the Versailles from being blown to smithereens.

Gas Aids

Being possessed of a less than cast iron stomach, (Up)Chuck never leaves home without a ready supply of Pepto-Bismol and Tums.

Body Oil

(Up)Chuck enjoys displaying his massive muscles and travels with body oil, so he can oil and flex at will.

Interrogation a la Gun Butt

Most people would find it hampering to jam a large gun in the mouth of the person you wish to ask questions of, but (Up)Chuck jams first, asks questions later.

Electro Shock Cell Phone

Despite the many burning injuries she has received from her phone, Sheila is kind of attached to it (or it may be attached to her by now).

Extra Large Bottle of Extra Strength Aspirin

Sheila frequently experiences a frustrating lack of control over her team and her life in general, and finds the aspirin an item that is necessary to her survival.

Run On Sentences

When asked for a status report, Sheila is able to string together so many run on sentences full of prepositional phrases and parenthetical remarks, that by the time anyone is able to discern the inconsistencies and call her on them, she is long gone.

Beer Bottle

Why waste time pulling a weapon out, when there is usually a beer bottle nearby (mostly because Sheila is usually holding one). She has achieved a fair amount of success with the beer bottle and finds the fuller the bottle and the darker the beer, the better the hit.

The International Guide to Five Star Hotels 

Fortunately for the rest of the team, Paris knows how to travel in comfort. Without her, the team would spend most of its time in flea bag motels in the worst part of any town.

The Lovely Everything

Paris herself is lovely, so it is not surprising that even when the shit is hitting the fan, the world is burning around her and the bad guys are getting away, Paris still has an uncanny knack for having a lovely something (dinner, salad, evening, night’s sleep). The rest of the team envies this ability, but not, of course, her tendency to be kidnapped (which is probably a universal balance thing, or something).

Broken Guns

Paris has a tendency to end up with ‘broken’ guns (jammed to the rest of us), but she is so lovely that her enemies are hard pressed not to clear the weapon and hand it back to her so she can shoot them. Mind you, she is an excellent shot with an un-Smuckered weapon.

Sunglasses

Rossi wears his sunglasses at all times. Sheila suspects it is because he has a raccoon-faced suntan underneath them. 

Crab Mallet

When things become stuck (especially makeshift lock picks), nothing works better to extricate said item than a crab mallet.

The Guide to English Idiomatic Expressions for Foreigners

The English Thesaurus for Foreigners

In a constant quest to speak like a native US citizen, Karin keeps using these language guides to improve her vocabulary. Unfortunately, this usually results in some bizarre combination of an idiomatic expression with a non-related synonym. Either she is a master of spy-speak, or she is the worst English speaker on the team.

Bad English

We tell our enemies that it is all a diabolical plot to confuse them, but Karin's English just plain sucks!

Disguise Kit

Trust me, those thick eyebrows and big nose you see him with on occasion have to be a disguise.

Knee-capping

Cahill always wants those who run afoul of him (and let’s face it, it isn’t that hard to do) to remember him, so he knee-caps them. There’s an entire ranch of inept workers that limp in Texas.

Shuriken

I know, it’s really a weapon, but when faced with a locked door, (Nun)Chuck and Rossi found the paper clip and shuriken combination to work marvelously.

Visitor’s Guide to Chinatown in Any City

In a quest reminiscent of that of the unfortunate protagonist of Are you My Mother?, the Orientally confused (Nun)Chuck's search to find others like him leads to a visit to Chinatown ('cause let's face it, there is no Koretnamese Town anywhere in the world) in every city he visits, so this guide is a must.

Toilet Termination

(Nun)Chuck has perfected the art of executing his assignments in the men’s room. I think he has a bladder problem that necessitates relief just after killing.

Over Efficiency

Few can keep up with Claire’s efficiency. She is so organized and competent that were she to schedule you for your own execution, you would show up simply because she told you to.

Bunny Slippers

Most people carry a lucky rabbit's foot. If I didn't know better, I would think the slippers were a shopping-instruction-to-Karin-gone wrong.

Midori and Cigarettes

Himself's version of the poolside Martiki.

 The Ace of Diamonds

In a complete divergence from the rest of the team's M.O., instead of leaving forensic eveidence at the scene of his crimes, Diamond leaves the Ace of Diamonds.

Charm

Himself is possessed of an astronomical charm, and doesn’t have much difficulty getting others to do as he asks. 

Pint Glasses

Sure, weapons they don’t bring, but their own personalized pint glasses …

Bread Knife

When assigned to cut someone’s head off, the twins selected a knife from the kitchen of the victim. Unfortunately, it was a rather dull bread knife. Fortunately, they had shot the poor guy first, so there wasn’t too much thrashing about.

Any Gun they Are Able to Get their Hands on

Most assassins come with their own weapons. Not these two. They will likely spend the first part of any mission attempting to obtain the necessary weapons to complete the job.

Piano Case

Although he is an adept musician, the case is for his guns.

Head and Chest

Dana’s trademark hit is a head shot followed by a chest shot.

None 

Deputy Dana wouldn’t be caught dead using an unconventional weapon.

Too Much to List!

As a special effects specialist in Hollywood (and a man who never quite grew up), Black has more toys than FAO Schwartz.

A Winning Smile

Black has a smile that could charm the pants off of anyone, male or female.

Chess Set

Annalee was given a beautiful chess set as a gift and finds it very helpful to mate her opponents (at Chess). 

The Spy's Guide to World Hotels

Alex Architect does a lot of traveling for his job. Somehow, he always manages to book a room near the operations of our team. We think his hotel guide has special powers, Alex thinks it is cursed.

(Uncooked) Pasta

Alex used his architectural skills and some uncooked pasta to create a model of the Versailles that proved invaluable to the team, who used it to work out a plan of attack.

Politeness

Who else apologizes to a bad guy after blowing a body part away?

Pepper Spray 

Of course, if he actually used it on someone other than himself, it would prove far more effective …