Did I sound slightly unhinged at the end of the last report? That’s because I was. But after several dimension-wrinkling events (Paris had several non-lovely events, (Up)Chuck was bested by a woman, and Rossi actually got laid!), things are much clearer now…
I come up with this brilliant plan to find a secluded spot on the only sensible driving route from Chicago to South Padre Island and stop any college-aged drivers in order to steal their gnomes. I thought it was a good plan, but maybe I have been hanging out with Jack too much, because the rest of the team (except for Jack) failed to share my enthusiasm.
They opt for a much more needle-in-the-haystack approach. We will go to South Padre Island and search for our gnome. Of course, you know that there will be thousands of people and more than one gnome also enjoying the island’s hospitality.
When we return to the Chicago hotel, Rossi (who drew the short straw) has to go to (Up)Chuck’s room and see if he’s come out of his cayenne (pepper) coma. He has and he’s ready to accompany us on spring break, although he seems a tad confused by the whole gnome thing.
Anyway, we awaken the next morning bright and early (except for Jack). I do a quick head count as we are waiting for the van to take us the airport. One potato, two potato, three potato, four, five potato, six potato seven potato, more. Wait, there are no more. I am definitely missing some potatoes. I charge back into the hotel to beat Jack out of bed and run into Mackenzie, who is relieved that he’s not the last potato to arrive.
Thanks to Jack’s morning nap and Chicago’s morning traffic, we arrive late at the airport. Luckily, it is a charter flight. We all crowd onto our little plane and finally, it begins to taxi down the runway. My attention is drawn to Jack, as there is a look of horror on his face, unparalleled by any facial expression since (Up)Chuck realized there were no decent grapefruits to be found in Scotland.
Jack leaps out of his seat and yells, ‘stop the plane, my bag is on the tarmac.’ (Up)Chuck looks out the window and scoffs, ‘You idiot, how did you leave your bag on the tarmac?’ To which Jack replies, ‘Probably the same way you left yours’! (Up)Chuck looks out the window and realizes that not only do idiots travel in pairs, but apparently, they also practice synchronized luggage losing.
Thanks to Jack and (Up)Chuck, we are even further behind schedule. You know, I’m slightly pissed. I could be marauding on the mid-western highways, amassing an astounding collection of gnomes and getting rid of some major frustration, instead of being stuck on a puddle jumper with Karin and her hands or Hans (I can’t tell the difference anymore), Paris, the Putout (there’s no first-class on this plane), Mackenzie the media mogul, (Up)Chuck (who’s effort to maintain gastro-intestinal control in such small quarters is to be commended - NOT), Rossi (whose limited use of any English words beyond Dude and beer is becoming more trying to my patience than the broken English of Karin and Hans), and Jack (whose constant inane planning skills are beginning to creep into my personality).
Finally, we land in Texas. We have two hotel rooms: one luxury suite in Rancho Viejo and one flea trap, I mean hotel room, at the Island Inn on the Beach. Mackenzie - I need to be plugged in at all times, Paris - I don’t stay at hotels that are rated less than four (three if she’s slumming) stars, and ze Germans (whose constant copulation commands that they have a private room) head to the luxury hotel (of course, the advertisement that hailed it as incorporating the traditions of Scotland with American luxury precluded Jack from being allowed to set foot near the place), while (Up)Chuck, Rossi, Jack and I go to the Island Inn on the Beach - which it turns out is only near the beach (probably a plus, I think, remembering (Up)Chuck and Jack trying to throw a body out of a hotel window onto the beach in Monaco).
Rossi has rented a convertible to cruise the main strip at a whopping 5 mph. What a stud!
(Up)Chuck, Jack and I find a restaurant that serves mild food, since (Up)Chuck’s tummy is only compatible with American foods that contain no "P" ingredients (peppers, pimento, paprika, etc.). We finish our dinner and head out to the street.
There we spot Rossi cruising the strip with four people in his car. Something about his passengers sets my hair on end and I mention it to Jack and (Up)Chuck. (Up)Chuck grounds himself and then uses my Electro-Shock phone to call Rossi. (Up)Chuck tells him it’s Mission Control and he has to lose his four passengers. Rossi, ignoring the perilous driving conditions that include completely dry roads and traffic that is traveling at a snail’s pace, takes his eyes off of the road for a minute and rear ends the car in front of him.
Luckily, he has hit a like-minded dude, so they wave at each other (it’s not really a wave, it’s more like some stupid motion with their forefingers and pinkies), yell ‘dude’ and part ways.
Rossi gets rid of his passengers and calls me, wanting to know what the deal was with ‘Major Tom." I tell him we are going to Dan’s Dirty Deck or Dirty Dan’s Deck (whatever it was, do not try to say that after a couple of beers) and he’s welcome to join us.
We have no luck at the Triple D, so we go to the next bar, Hookers. Never in my life did I think that I would patronize a place called Hookers! However, this mission is introducing a lot of firsts into my life.
Jack orders much alcohol for us and we look around. A man about our age approaches, seeming relieved to see other ‘old folk’ here. He tells us that he is here with his niece who is a red-head with a Cockney accent, but he has lost her. After listening to the description, the gallant Rossi, posing as (Up)Chuck’s nephew sets off in search of the maiden in distress. He finds her and they leave together. (Up)Chuck chases them into the parking lot, phones the uncle - who seems unconcerned, and waves goodbye as he warns Rossi to practice safe sex. They may be taking this too far …
Back in the bar, we talk to the uncle and, while I don’t feel he is threatening to me, I don’t believe she’s his niece, either.
After visiting another bar or three, we stumble back to hotel. It’s late, we’re tired and Rossi has tied a T-shirt to the door handle. Is he for real??
(Up)Chuck politely knocks and Rossi tries to stop us from entering. I help (Up)Chuck to push the door open only to find the drunken red head laying in the messed up bed. Rossi introduces her as Sheila!?!?! I tell him the only Sheila that’s sleeping in one of these beds is me. The little whore says okay, and invites me to lay down with her. This is too much! I am stuck on a Texan island, surrounded by idiotic college students, looking for a fucking lawn gnome, I’m tired and slightly tipsy, and I’ve just been propositioned by a bisexual slut . I want to go to sleep and I’m willing to kill her to do it! I politely tell her to get out of the bed. She leaves in a huff. Rossi gives chase, but she refuses a ride home. He returns to find that a chair has been propped under the door knob and is preventing him from getting back in. Since his incessant knocking is causing Jack to put the silencer on his gun, I go let Rossi in.
Back in Rancho Viejo, Paris has had an absolutely lovely dinner and terrific night’s sleep.
The Rancho Viejo team wake up the next morning feeling well-rested and refreshed.
They pack up their swim suits and head for the beach.
We sleep in.
Out on the beach, Karin has liberally applied some SPF 500 sunscreen to her exposed less-than-tan skin. Mackenzie does not (but should have). Paris, knowing that the sun would not dare to mar her perfection by burning her skin, lays out on the blanket. Hans and Karin periodically take a walk, keeping an eye out for lawn gnomes. As they are heading back to the blanket, they spot a cop-in-a-cart approaching Paris.
Paris is making the acquaintance of one Thomas Cahill, Texas ranger, when Karin realizes it is Richard Cahill’s brother. She gives him a cheery hello and introduces Hans, Paris and Mackenzie. Tom is busy falling under the spell of the lovely Paris. He explains that he is here to augment the security presence on the island.
Hans and Karin are furiously flipping through their dictionary. They ask if Richard will bring back some of those awg mints so they can try one. Mackenzie and Paris attempt to explain that augment means grow in size. Ze Germans smile knowingly. However, after Mackenzie uses his laptop to show Hans the latest and greatest in penile augmentation, the horrified Hans and Karin decide they need no augmentation in their life.
Tom leaves as the beach starts to get more crowded.
As the team is planning lunch, Tom returns and offers to get them some grub.
Meanwhile, we ((Up)Chuck, Rossi, Jack and I) have managed to drag ourselves out of bed. (Up)Chuck, wearing a really scanty bathing suit, goes to "oil myself up and flex" on the muscle beach (there’s a visual that will haunt my dreams), while the rest of us go for lunch. Rossi then goes to cruise again, while Jack and I walk the beach.
After Tom leaves, Paris and Karin, who have noticed the arrival of a lawn gnome, approach a rowdy group of college dweebs and ask if they can play with their … gnomes. The stunned men agree. Karin and Paris pose with the gnome. As they are picking it up in an attempt to figure out if there could be a cold fusion device stored inside, Paris’s bikini top gets caught on the little gnome’s pointy hat. The gnome has been taking pointers from his new college buddies, and Paris suddenly finds herself sans bra.
Hans finds her bathing suit top and hands it back to her as she is holding the gnome up in front of her. The cop cart returns with lunch and Tom claims to write Paris a ticket for baring her bosom. It turns out it was actually a dinner invitation. All is not lost (only Paris’s top), because Karin and Paris have determined that this is not our gnome.
Somewhere down the beach, Jack and I happen upon another group with a gnome. Since I am not wearing a bathing suit, nor do I have a decent white wet T-shirt on, I am reduced to doing all sorts of other obscene (Jack has pictures) things to the stupid gnome in order to get close. It’s not our gnome.
We are heading toward an open bar where we have spotted yet another gnome, when Jack informs me that I am not suitably dressed for gnome fondling (plus he’s really hot in his stupid blazer). I ask if he wants to go back and change now or check out the gnome first. This is apparently a case of she said, he heard, because he thinks I have just invited him to have sex. Hmmmmm, I am convinced it will be like having sex with my brother, but it has been awhile. Luckily, Rossi is in the bar and can check out the gnome…
Rossi pulls a muscle in his back after attempting to lift the concrete gnome. It’s not our gnome, either.
As the dinner hour approaches, (Up)Chuck heads back to the hotel room. Despite the fact that Jack has moved the dresser in front of the door, (Up)Chuck forces his way into the room as I am running for my clothes. Jack, who didn’t bother to get out of bed, points his trusty pistol (the one with the silencer on it) at (Up)Chuck and tells him to come back in a half hour.
I’m not one to boff and tell, but I will say that either it was not like having sex with my brother, or incest is underrated.
This afternoon’s events have affected our choice of restaurants for this evening’s dinner. We choose the romantic AmberJack’s, which happens to be the same place that Paris and Tom will be going to.
Karin and Hans go the Scampi Restaurant. (Up)Chuck goes to a middle class bar and grill that serves no spicy foods, and Rossi and Mackenzie go to a burger joint, avoiding any seafood places so that a really sunburned Mackenzie does not get mistaken for a lobster. Rossi and Mackenzie have encountered yet another impostor gnome.
Karin spots one of the University of Chicago groups in the restaurant with a gnome. She goes to their table in order to meet their gnome.
Back at Amberjack’s, Paris and Tom are having a lovely dinner, when Paris excuses herself and goes to the back room in order to investigate yet another gnome sighting (also in the possession of a group of University of Chicago students). Jack and I arrive a short time later.
(Up)Chuck spots a man and a woman exchanging passports and other goodies. The woman has a Russian accent, which immediately raises (Up)Chuck’s hackles and suspicions. When the man leaves, he goes over to the woman’s table and sits down.
Paris is making the acquaintance of a certain gnome when the slut’s uncle from last night enters the restaurant. As he walks by, I mention to Jack that, although I don’t find him threatening, I do believe it’s possible he is here to fulfill the contract on Paris and him. We espy his slutty ‘niece,’ Sheila, outside on the street. The man enters the back room and asks the lovely lady if she is Paris. When she replies yes, he pulls out a gun and shoots. (F’in) luckily, she ducked and one of the guys jumped up, hitting the assassin’s arm and knocking the shot wide. Two of the three gentleman at the table run away screaming. The third tries to stand up to the man, but that’s really hard to do when you’ve been shot in the foot and the head. The assassin then manages to shoot Paris in the arm.
As soon as we hear the shots, Jack and I head toward the back room. Tom comes in from another doorway. Jack and I shoot at the would-be assassin. Yet another F’in miracle has occurred and instead of missing the assassin and hitting Paris, my shot instead severs his spinal cord right before Jack’s two shots finish him off. (Jack hit his target … twice! Have I entered a different dimension?) Poor confused Ranger Tom is ordering Jack and me to freeze, but we tell him there’s another shooter. He tells us to go.
We run outside just in time to see the evil Sheila getting into a car. We fire a few practice shots at her car, before I manage to hit and kill the little slut. (I told you I’d kill her.)
Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck’s Russian bitch has received a phone call (during which she attempted to fake a Scottish burr) and left the restaurant. He tries to follow, only to end up on his back in the street with the Russian bitch and her gun standing over him, telling him not to follow her. She leaves and he phones me with her description. As I listen I realize she is standing at the edge of the gathering crowd. I yell at Jack to duck and he actually does! (Now I know how to control my team…)
Anyway, the police arrive and order Jack to the ground. Luckily, Ranger Tom shows up and stops Jack from getting arrested, again. I look around for (Up)Chuck’s Russian, but she’s gone.
Paris is sitting with the gnome, waiting for the paramedics to take her to the hospital.
Paris assures us that it is not a lovely wound, and then bemoans the fact that, thanks to a delicious but lamentably recent meal, she will not a lovely anesthesia, either.
Down the street and blessedly oblivious to our distress, a disconcerted Karin is very carefully putting the gnome down, as she has felt something move inside the lawn ornament.