Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, (Up)Chuck runs inside the restaurant to watch the paramedics who are watching Paris who is watching a gnome. Jack and I, having just killed two people, decide to disappear into the crowd, Rossi and Mackenzie are cruising the strip, and Hans is watching Karin who is warily watching another gnome.
Now that we’re all on the same page … (You know we are never all on the same page - unless it’s a page of a Sheila report). (Up)Chuck, ignoring the table full of dinner utensils in front of him, uses his handcuffs to dig out the cement of the gnome. Finding nothing inside the gnome, (Up)Chuck goes into pit bull protector mode and accompanies Paris to the hospital. He phones Rossi and Mac to ask them to bring his equipment to the hospital. Rossi, whose specialty is not driving while speaking on the phone rear ends yet another car. (Up)Chuck is attempting to convey his orders to Rossi when Rossi is approached by the rather large owner of the now dented vehicle in front of him. The enraged driver grabs Rossi’s shoulder and Rossi responds by knocking the guy out with one blow to the throat, sending the cell phone into a different regional calling area in the process. Mac uses his phone to call (Up)Chuck back.
Jack and I, still hungry since we did not get to eat, go to a bar and grill.
Since (Up)Chuck had the police shut the bridges down, Rossi and Mackenzie need to find another way off the island. They are searching for a boat to steal, when Mackenzie spots a water taxi conveniently located near the police boats.
I call the team to check in and find out that Karin has spotted a promising gnome and Rossi and Mac are on their way to bring Galahad his armor and jousting tools.
Karin has managed to find out where the gnome possessors are going and returns to finish her meal with Hans. When the young men leave, they follow.
Meanwhile, at the hospital, (Up)Chuck has donned his armor, Thomas Cahill is less than thrilled to have (Up)Chuck tell him that this is all one of his brother Richard’s messes, Rossi is buying flowers and magazines for Paris, and Mackenzie is stealing some topical anesthetics to ease his sunburn pain.
The boys suddenly hear Paris yelling (Up)Chuck! They run to her to see what’s wrong. They stare puzzled as she asks for ice cream, before realizing that she is telling them that the Ice Queen had been there to look at her chart.
Karin calls me to tell me that she’s taking the gnome for a swim. No wait, that’s not right, I think she means they’re in a pool hall. Jack and I head over.
(Up)Chuck calls Jack to tell him that the Ice Queen is in town. Shit, I am in a quandary. On the one hand, I want to get Jack somewhere safe, but on the other hand, if something happens to the cold fusion device, there may not be any safe place. Okay, we’ll get the gnome and then get the flock out of there.
We enter the pool hall and see the bomb, I mean lawn gnome, in the middle of a billiards table. We locate the back entrance and then Jack decides to play cop to get the gnome. He tells the boys that he is there because the gnome belonged to a government official, thereby making it government property and they have taken it across state lines, thereby making it a federal matter. Stunning though that story may have been, the students aren’t buying it.
Jack looks at me and says, "Monique?" I look around the bar full of bikers and tell him I don’t think it’s a good idea (besides which, he doesn’t have a dart gun…).
Karin has attempted to distract the bikers by unbuttoning her shirt and telling them that the students had bothered her, so she called the cops. The bikers aren’t buying it.
Can you guess what happened next?
You know, I appreciate a good game of pool and a bar-room brawl every now and again, but now wasn’t the time. I mean, I’ve got a gnome to steal, assassins to kill, but once again the fates conspire against me.
Jack pulls his gun and shoots one of the guys in the leg, before ending up in possession combat with the nearest student. Karin and I pull our guns out.
Another student is coming at me with a pool stick. I shoot him, but unfortunately, I only get his arm and he hits me in the chest with the pool stick. Shit, I think I have a broken rib. I shoot the little shit again, finally killing him.
Jack has broken the neck of his target.
Karin, who may have been getting upset at this point, yells authoritatively at the bikers, who were about to join the melee, to stop and they do! Then she tells Hans to go get the gnome.
Well, picture this: a frail anorexic German girl with an unbuttoned shirt is holding many large bikers at bay, two of the students are dead on the floor, and a third is bleeding on the pool table with a gnome. Does it stop there? **&@# no!
The fourth uninjured student starts fighting with Jack, who has dropped his gun and the stupid SOB on the pool table has thrown a pool ball at me. Now that hurt. Shit, I think I have another broken rib. Okay, now I’m pissed and I’m running out of spare ribs.
Several more shots and pool balls are exchanged before the idiot attempts to pick up the gnome to throw at me. At this point, Hans has reached the table to retrieve the gnome. Not wanting to shoot the gnome holder and have him drop it, I yell that it’s a bomb, and Hans is able to grab the gnome and run. Jack and I follow him out. Well, I tried. I fell. Good, the only thing missing from my vast array of bruising and broken bones was some blood. Now I feel complete. Jack picks me up and we keep going. Karin holds the crowd back while allowing us to escape, then leaves.
We phone Mackenzie and tell him that he and Rossi have to get us off the island, NOW! We meet them and pile into the car. Yeah right. Rossi rented a mustang. Not only can we not fit the whole team in the car, but the *!^#& gnome won’t fit in the trunk. Karin and Hans stay behind and we head toward the water taxis. I am trying to tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, since the police are right there. Rossi doesn’t seem to understand my urgency, so I tell him that we have just killed two people in a bar, not to mention the two at the restaurant, and need to get out fast. Unfortunately, the police may have overheard some of that conversation.
We leave post haste and drive all the way up to the north of the island looking for a boat to steal.
Back at the hospital, a really pissed off Ranger Tom is demanding to know what’s going on. He seems less than pleased that there have been several murders and a little bit of mayhem on the once-peaceful island. He seems even less pleased that Cahill’s team is behind the madness.
We go to the camp grounds, but find no boats. I’m trying to think, but my aspirin is in the hotel, I have several broken ribs, a lot of bruising, I’ve been used as a human billiards table, there are too many assassins to count in town, we’ve been killing people all night, Paris has been shot, Rossi keeps hitting bumps, which is causing much discomfort to the wounded and sunburned, and we don’t even know if we have the right fucking gnome! All in all, I’d say I might be in a bad mood.
Back at the hospital, Hardwell, the hard-ass trainer from the ISIS camp, has arrived to take the team away from Ranger Tom’s turf. He orders Paris to get up, cover herself and head to the heliport.
I call (Up)Chuck and tell him we want to get voted off the island. He tells us to go to a clearing on the south end of the island (conveniently located near the coast guard station). As we are arriving at the clearing, I hear the distinct sounds of Blue Oyster Cult emanating from a boat nearby. I tell Rossi to drive over there. It’s Cult and Squid. I’ve never been happier to see those two. We grab the gnome and Rossi and Mackenzie’s beer, and run for the boat. I offer the beer in exchange for getting us out of there. They gratefully take the Bud and the dark and chewy stuff, before dumping Rossi’s Coronas over the side.
Rossi stares forlornly over the side of the boat. Jack opens up the gnome, only to discover that cold fusion is still a myth. We phone (Up)Chuck and let him know we’re off the island. He gives us a location at which to meet the helicopter.
We get on the helicopter and Jack hands the ‘bomb’ to (Up)Chuck, who deftly ‘disarms’ it by turning the dial to off. He doesn’t believe it when Jack tells him that it was already safe. Jack calls Paul Leddo to report our successes and failures as we fly off into the sunset.
Think the murder ends there? Oh no. Jack calls Karin and Hans and tells them to go to the hotel room and gather our belongings.
The unsuspecting pair break into the room and begin packing in the ambient light from the bathroom. Karin is stunned as several shots come through the window, killing Hans. She runs from the room and makes her way to the lobby. There she sees a woman meeting the description of the Russian assassin that (Up)Chuck met. I’m guessing that any other time, Karin would have kept walking, but a deep hatred of things Russian left over from her behind-the-Iron Curtain days and the very recent demise of her Bavarian boy toy cause her to turn and shoot the Russian. The Russian attempts to shoot back, but her gun jams and Karin, oblivious to the hotel lobby cameras that are recording all the events continues shooting until the bitch is dead.
She leaves the hotel and calls Jack to get her off the island.
Jack informs the team on the helicopter that Hans is gone. The pain in my chest may have prompted me to say something unkind to Jack. (Up)Chuck, having bested his gastro-intestinal malaise for now, then comes down with a case of oral diarrhea and reveals to the team that Jack and I have done some … deep undercover … work together.
So we all wind up back at the ISIS ranch in Texas and try to figure out what to do about the Ice Queen. Obviously, we need to destroy the contract and the best way to do that is to rid Flaky Flynn of his ability to pay the assassins of the world. No problemo, huh?
Oh my God, are we going back to Scotland??????
In light of the rather somber nature on which this mission ended, I didn’t feel it appropriate to give out awards. However, I did compile a list of items that might be helpful to each agent in the future.
Rossi
Paris
Mackenzie
(Up)Chuck
Karin
Jack
Sheila
Cahill