The Peruvian Expedition, Part II

Let’s see, we climbed a volcano, lost several members of the team to the perils of the wilderness, we were pursued by a gang of motorcycle riding terrorists as well as an armed monkey, Jack suffered from some kind of gambler’s DTs – until we found the treasure, (Up)Chuck is wanted by all sorts of animal preservation societies, I gained a new pet, and for the first time in her life, Paris could not get anybody to share her sleeping quarters!

You may be wondering what happened since the last report. Let me enlighten you…

Things started out innocently enough. Jack decides to go for a run. I figure that I should follow and pick up body parts, so I tag along slowly. When I catch up to his fallen body, he is sans watch and sneakers – all taken by the gang of pre-adolescent youths who beat him up. If he keeps losing footwear like this, I am going to have to rethink my stock portfolio.

(Up)Chuck and Ms. Singer go to an Internet café. There (Up)Chuck is approached by an attractive young woman named Maria. Maria asks all sorts of questions and (Up)Chuck tells her, well almost everything, including when we’re leaving and where we’re sort of going.

Paris is – what else – shopping when she is approached by an Andean Indian woman (say that five times fast) who delivers a cryptic message about how the gods know what she’s seeking and she needs to leave shit on a pogo stick (pogo, pago – whatever) to appease them. Personally, I think Paris is in need of a good refreshing dose of pure O2.

We go to dinner and the battered Jack soon learns that all he has to say is "I’m sorry", "please" and "you are right" in order for me to open his beer for him. Paris explains that it is not a pogo stick that the gods require, but a pago – an offering of cereals, flowers and personal items, including dried excrement!

Anyway the next day, we arise early and head out on our expedition. My well-kept diaries will provide the rest of the details.

Just what I’ve always wanted to do: ride on a horse along a narrow ledge precariously perched on the side of a steep mountain. Life has never been better. Always the optimist, though, I am astonished at the wild beauty before us. Of course, one must be careful to pay close attention the trail in order to maintain your balance…

Ms. Singer and Just One Jake fall off their horses. (Up)Chuck applies first aid.

We finally make it to some popular ruins and set up camp for the evening. (Up)Chuck takes Ms. Singer to the ruins. Jack starts playing the harmonica. Donna, the horse lady, pulls out her guitar and starts playing along with him. I resist the temptation to puke and kill Jack, not necessarily in that order.

The peace of the night is suddenly broken by the sounds of screams. No wait…not screams, moans. I don’t believe it – (Up)Chuck is f$^#&^g Ms. Singer (who is living up to her name) in the ruins! Oh wait, now she’s screaming. Oh, there’s a burst of submachine gunfire. Submachine gunfire!! We all run towards the ruins. An unclad Ms. Singer runs by us screaming, "Rat." Another successful conquest for (Up)Chuck. Then the vermin in question runs out yelling, "rats." Oh, rats, the animals, not the slimy males. It seems that the amorous pair was interrupted mid coitus by several inquisitive rodents. (Up)Chuck dispatches the rats post-haste.

We return to our camp. Jack may suspect that I am less than pleased by his little musical collaboration. We discuss the fact that (Up)Chuck is boffing the targeted for destruction Ms. Singer. Jack thinks it’s because she’s a freebie – you know, she won’t be around long enough to try and tie him down.

I make dinner, but the altitude has totally thrown off my measurements, and it’s not the best meal I’ve prepared.

What I wouldn’t give for an electric stove and a real measuring cup.

Here we are again, riding our trusty steeds along the beautiful mountain trail. The scenery is nice, but you’ve seen one perilously steep incline, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Jack falls off his horse. (Up)Chuck administers first aid.

We stop at a little village. I buy the specified cereals for the offering. Paris has come prepared with dried excrement – not to worry, it’s Paris’s, so it’s lovely.

Continuing the personal items thing, Jack puts some duct tape in and (Up)Chuck puts a duplicate badge down.

Of course, (Up)Chuck decides that is not enough and performs a little fertility rite with Ms. Singer so they can add some, um, body fluids to the mix.

(Up)Chuck and Ms. Singer purchase a bath. That sounds like a good idea, so we all do the same. The village sells this wonderful stuff called caño and we all get toasty drunk. Paris is not feeling particularly well, due to the altitude, not the caño.

(Up)Chuck announces during our little drink fest that the village only had one tub, and we bathed after he and Ms. Singer had christened it. That’s it, I puke. I may hang pictures of his digestive tract on my Modern Art wall, but I have no desire to bathe in his body fluids.

Oh, what wouldn’t I give for a clean bathtub!

Once again, we mount the horses and continue our journey. I’m kind of tired of looking at wild vegetation and rocks. I’m thinking it would be nice to see a skyscraper just about now.

Jack and (Up)Chuck fall off their horses. (Up)Chuck administers first aid to Jack after we do our best to help (Up)Chuck.

We are reaching a very high altitude and, quite frankly, I’m freezing my …, well body parts off. That evening, both the doctor and I suffer from hypothermia. Jack takes care of me.

What I wouldn’t give for my bonnie prince Charlie slippers and a warm quilt.

Okay, I’m sick of this crap, but most of all I’m just sick. Ms. Singer, Paris and I are suffering from altitude sickness, I could give a shit about the beauty of the surrounding wilderness. The next time I want to go on a jungle trek, it will be from the comfort of a preserve trolley.

Since I am not up to cooking, Jack prepares dinner. Maybe it’s just that I’m ill, but it tastes pretty good.

What I wouldn’t give to be anyplace at sea level.

I’m feeling a little better today, but it’s still important to keep your eye on the trail

By some F’in miracle, Paris, (Up)Chuck and Ms. Singer manage to not fall off of their respective horses.

We set up camp by a small village that night. There are no skyscrapers, or even huts with high ceilings, but at least there are other living, breathing beings there.

As we are snuggling into our sleeping bags, we hear the sound of approaching motorcycles. Motorcycles?

We head outside only to be blinded by the headlights of six motorcycles.

Some freak ex-terrorist named Antonio Ortiz basically threatens us and tells us that we need to share some of our booty with him, or we’ll be in trouble. He apparently disturbed our little offering to the gods, because he has (Up)Chuck’s duplicate badge and knows who he is. He also wants to know which of us is Paris. Since Paris is traveling as Carmen Sanchez, we try to cover (Up)Chuck’s slipped use of her name with the fact that I am from Paris. After all, who would ever think that the lovely Paris would be trekking through the f*$%& jungles of Peru?

Our guide Garret tells us that he is loosely tied to both the Shining Path and corrupt government officials and will try to obtain some of our pilfered artifacts (that is, if we ever get any) or want money to let us go.

What I wouldn’t give for a pair of ruby red slippers…

Another day, another trek through the jungle. I want to go home. This mission has no redeeming qualities. I’m dirty, hungry, tired, sickened by the way Ms. Singer is hanging all over (Up)Chuck, and if Donna makes one more googly-eyed glance at Jack, I may have to scrap the whole kill-Ms.-Singer-thing in favor of doing in Donna.

At least nobody falls off their horse.

We settle into our tents that night. Ms. Singer snubs the smelly (Up)Chuck in favor of sleeping in Paris’s tent. Sometime during the night, we are awakened by piercing screams. We run outside and see evil spirits (at least, that’s what (Up)Chuck thought) attacking the tents of Paris and the Doctor. Antonio and Garret take care of the condors on the doctors tent, and (Up)Chuck shoots the two attacking Paris’s.

Where are those goddamned slippers?

At least we’re getting to lower altitudes. I am totally sick of the view. I want to look at concrete sidewalks and smell pollution.

(Up)Chuck falls off his horse and Ms. Singer is bitten by a venomous snake. After shooting the snake, (Up)Chuck administers first aid to her.

Once again, we set up camp. This is really getting old.

What I wouldn’t give for an ice-cold martiki.

We are awakened in the morning by the now-familiar screams of Paris. We run out and find that Donna has died in her sleep. It seems that she succumbed to a smiter (must be some kind of deadly Peruvian spider) bite – and no, its name was not Sheila.

We decide the only decent thing to do is to return to Wallybamba, the last village, with Donna’s body. Great, now the trip will be even longer.

We return to Wallybamba and wait while Garrett and Antonio bring Dead Donna to the authorities.

Who shows up, but Antonio Ortiz and his minions. (Up)Chuck is hiding in the bushes so he can watch. He is distracted by a sound behind him and turns only to be attacked by a gang of murderous monkeys. We are stunned to see the giant jump out of the brush, shooting and screaming. A monkey launches toward him and then runs away, but not before he manages to steal (Up)Chuck’s gun, complete with laser sights.

We argue the wisdom of continuing on. Paris and I want to go home, but the doctor’s offer of an additional $50,000 keeps Garrett and Jack interested.

After listening to (Up)Chuck order Jack to ‘fix my monkey bites,’ I retire in disgust.

Déjà vu! Oh wait, we have been here before. We trek back to where we were before.

(Up)Chuck and Jack fall off their horses.

I go to sleep hoping that I will wake up in my neat and orderly Parisian apartment.

Damn, I’m still in the jungle. I’m walking bow-legged from spending too much time on the horse, I’m dirty, smelly and not just a little pissed off.

Jack falls off his horse. (Up)Chuck administers first aid.

What I wouldn’t give for a hot shower!

We awaken in the wee hours of the morning to the refreshing sound of rain! Everybody rushes out to wash off. (Up)Chuck, in the flesh – literally, separates from the group to wash his massive muscles. We hear the sounds of a scuffle and Jack and Paris rush to check it out. There’s (Up)Chuck, naked as a jay bird holding a boa constrictor at arm’s length. Jack is trying to get a sight on the snake, but its proximity to (Up)Chuck’s love device is hampering his shot. (Up)Chuck runs around with the snake, and finally manages to kill it.

We mount up again.

(Up)Chuck falls off his horse and, for a little variety, lands by yet another deadly snake. Jack shoots, but misses and the snake bites (Up)Chuck.

We help him out with the snake bite kit.

We again set up camp for the evening.

As we are surveying our surroundings, Paris notices a mountain in the distance with a plume of smoke rising from it. Great, it’s the Mountain of the White Plume that the legend spoke of.

I try to reason with the doctor. That’s a volcano. Why would I want to go towards it??? The rest of the team doesn’t seem as concerned as I am.

Paris, feeling a little lonely, since nobody wants to sleep in her tent, retires only to find rodents in her tent.

Her screams awaken the camp. After taking care of her rodent problem, we manage to fall back asleep, only to be awakened by the perimeter alarm that (Up)Chuck set up incorrectly. He attempts to fix it, but it goes off again. Paris reports that it is broken. (Up)Chuck shoots it. Paris reports that it is fixed.

So, that’s where we are: riding towards a volcano in search of a mystical treasure. We are tired, really dirty, and sick to f*!#$ng death of the damned jungle and mountains.

We start out towards the volcano. Needless to say, I am not happy. In fact, I would go so far as to say, this totally sucks.

Anyway, as we are riding along, Paris and Jack start to feel as though we are being watched. Of course, that’s because we are. (Up)Chuck spots some natives and says ‘boogawooga to them. I think that’s the native version of bookabowow and they don’t approach us.

We finally reach the end of the path, and Paris starts doing her best Edward Scissorhands imitation on the jungle growth as (Up)Chuck and Alberto nearly cut their limbs off while watching her incredible display of machete precision.

The rest of us follow, walking the horses with us as we admire Paris’s shrubbery sculpture.

(Up)Chuck spots a pillar of steam about half-way up the mountain. The doctor is thrilled. This must be the fabled Whistler’s Gate. Jack has dollar signs for pupillary openings. I am convinced that the volcano is going to erupt. So what, the city has stood for hundreds of years! Have you noticed that no matter how improbable the event, it seems to happen when Jack and I are around? Oh yeah, she’s going to blow.

In the middle of the night, I awaken to the sound of the most alluring male voice I’ve every heard. He’s telling me to come out of the tent, because he can’t come in with Jack there. I stumble out of the tent into a thick fog. The mysterious man is telling me that he has a warning for me. Suddenly, I hear the unwelcome voice of (Up)Chuck (definitely not the most alluring voice I’ve ever heard). I turn with a start, just in time to see (Up)Chuck fall on his face. The rest of the camp awakens and comes out of their tents. Alberto and Garrett jump as (Up)Chuck the giant, leaps out of the fog. I tell everyone not to be alarmed. I was just following the beautiful voice into the foggy dangerous jungle. No problem.

In the morning, we find (Up)Chuck’s (or Viracoja’s) tent surrounded by offerings from the natives.

The god complex increases.

We prepare to climb the mountain. After several close calls, Garrett, Jack, (Up)Chuck and I make it up to the steam. Alberto and the injured Just One Jake are waiting at the base camp.

(Up)Chuck is helping Paris, Patricia and the doctor ascend as Jack and I investigate the cave where the steam is coming from. It is covered in an utterly disgusting layer of slime. Boy, do I hope this is good for my complexion. Jack finds a trapdoor and falls into the slime as he is trying to open it. He spatters me with muck.

Paris has fallen during her ascent, only to be saved and pulled up by (Up)Chuck.

Patricia appears slightly disgusted at the sight of Jack and me, covered in primordial ooze. I fling some on her – you know kind of like splashing an unwilling swimmer with cold water so they get used to it. She power pukes all over Garrett. He gives her a big hug, thus returning most of her gastro-intestinal juices.

(Up)Chuck is trying to open the trap door, but we hear him say that he is not strong enough.

Quickly, we take out the video recorder and try to get him to repeat that.

Anyway, Jack and (Up)Chuck finally open the trapdoor, and Jack and I descend a spiral staircase. The volcano is rumbling and I am quite sure it is going to erupt. I must have given in to some hysterics, because Jack slaps my face. Now, under normal circumstances, I would have ripped him a new asshole, but these aren’t normal circumstances, and revenge is a dish best served cold.

We wind up in a flooded hallway. The doctor starts marking the walls with chalk so we don’t get lost.

Jack finds a wall with some weird hieroglyphic markings on it. The doctor deciphers it. It is a riddle. Oh good, ‘cause I was starting to get bored. We determine that the answer is the moon, and run away, I mean stand back, while (Up)Chuck presses the moon icon on the wall. The wall slides down, revealing three hallways that go in different directions.

We choose the path in front of us. As we make our way toward the room at the end of the hallway, Paris feels something in a small cubby hole. After she and Jack fall into the slime, they turn it and it turns out to be a drain. Finally, the mucky mess we have been walking in starts to drain out.

We enter the room. There is a small ledge around the edge of a large body of water. (Up)Chuck becomes entranced and walks into the water. Not since we were jumping into a loch while running from the SPOATS in Scotland have I worried that some prehistoric serpent-like creature would attack us, until now. There are these large water monsters attacking (Up)Chuck. Jack shoots and wounds one. (Up)Chuck attacks the other with his knife. Jack finally manages to kill the second one, and (Up)Chuck crawls onto the ledge on the other side. He then helps the rest of us cross the gaping hole between the ledges on the two sides of the room.

We cross to the other side and go up a staircase. There are two doors. One seems as though it is locked to prevent something from getting in – lava perhaps??? We choose the other door. Well, there used to be a door there. (Up)Chuck has disintegrated it. Maybe I’m not the only one who wants to make like a duck and get the flock out of here.

Well, guess what we find in the hallway? A spinning thing. Yeah, the only thing I fear more than (Up)Chuck drinking, Jack trying to shoot something near me or the wrath of Paris when there are no good salad bars near, is spinning things.

Paris manages to deftly make her way through the tube and (Up)Chuck follows. Not having Paris’s dexterity, (Up)Chuck fails to keep low, on account of he’s being tossed about like a towel in the dryer, and a flaming arrow flies through the spinning thing and hits Patricia. What can I say? The rest of us ducked.

(Up)Chuck continues his tumble, like a sneaker in the dryer, through the tube, causing Patricia to take another flaming arrow hit. Paris is trying to cover the arrow hole with a canteen, but it keeps falling and more arrows are shooting out at us. (Up)Chuck finally shoots into the hole and destroys the mechanism. Jack tends to Patricia and I go through the spinning tunnel of death to the door at the end. We all finally make it into the room and find what were apparently some living quarters. There is a small cot, so we put Patricia in it. Paris opens another door and finds a room filled with riches and a brass-bound treasure chest.

As the rest of us search the room, Paris and Jack turn greedily towards the treasure chest. Paris opens it and the noxious fumes that pour out cause everyone but Paris to pass out. I can only assume that Paris revived Jack first and then the rest of the team. I say assume, because Jack didn’t bother to make sure I was okay. I suppose he couldn’t make out my form through the dollar signed apertures of his pupils.

Anyway, we decide to leave and come back the next day.

The next day, we trek back up the stupid fucking mountain. We choose the left hallway this time. After crossing another body of water, we come to a hallway. There are large copper wheels on each side of it. After throwing a few things down the passage, we realize that metal gets really hot in there. Paris strips to her Hanes-Her-Ways and runs down the hall with Jack. The doctor and Patricia go next. As (Up)Chuck and I are clumsily making our way down the hall, we hear shrieks and shots coming from ahead. Apparently, Paris found and opened a door revealing hundreds of hungry rats. The next few minutes are a confused mixture of gunshots and screams. An MRE flies past us with a bunch of rats following. My backpack is on fire. I manage to put it out, but (Up)Chuck and I realize that the submachine gun in his pack is about to go on full automatic – as in there is no shooter required. We run as the weapon opens fire on the hallway and the rats.

When we are finally all through, we find a room, but fortunately, we are on guard enough not to charge headlong into it. It seems the room is made up of some really slippery material that causes all who enter to slide down an incline into the spikes of death that are planted everywhere.

Deciding that it’s a silly room and we should come back better prepared for it, we return to the start point and take the right hallway.

We come to a room filled with statues. There are numbers on them and some cryptic message about choosing the correct one or dying. Paris and the doctor determine the correct statue to select and (Up)Chuck shoots it just in the nick of time. The ceiling stops coming down and a doorway opens to reveal another hallway.

After passing through a one-way turnstile, we come to yet another pleasure palace. It’s a room filled with hot mud and some suspended steps to a door all the way at the top. Paris goes up the steps, securing each with a knotted rope as she goes. Jack, completely trusting in Paris’s proficiency in Knot 101, follows. As he hangs suspended above the molten mud, I am reminded that he seems to no longer realize that I exist. I’m staying right here, at the bottom, in the relative safety of the terra firma of the most-probably active volcano.

Finally, Jack makes it to the top and he and Paris investigate some room up there that is apparently full of treasure. We’ll trust them. They come down, laden with goodies.

Finally, we have enough shit to convince the world that this stupid city exists. I can’t wait to get home.

The next morning, the doctor is gone. It’s okay, though, he didn’t take any of the treasure. Jack follows his tracks, but loses him at a river. It appears that while he wasn’t alone he was traveling willingly.

The team asks if we should leave him. Fuck yeah! I’m not spending a minute longer in this stupid jungle than I have to. On we go.

We make a really neat litter to carry Patricia on and set off.

We come to a river and cross. When we get to the other side, I notice the team attacking themselves. Is this some other stupid jungle ritual that we are supposed to perform and nobody told me about it? Oh, I see, they are covered in leeches. You know, I’d help them, but I have no first aid training.

We set up camp for the evening. Paris’s tent is showing signs of wear, so Jack fixes it for her. In the middle of the night, I hear noises, so I grab my gun and go out to investigate. There are two sets of beautiful cat eyes staring at me. Nice jaguar. Oh look, the nice kitty wants to rub against me. (Up)Chuck sees the jaguar about to pounce and shoots it. I fall to the ground with a really large, bleeding cat on me. (Up)Chuck shoots and kills the other one, but I won’t let him hurt this one again. Paris tries to peek out, but her tent falls on top of her. Jack comes out, sees a mass of screaming canvas, and armed (Up)Chuck and me, petting the nice jaguar. I tell him I found Checkers, II.

Over the objections of (Up)Chuck, we make Garrett help fix up the kitty. (Up)Chuck fixes Paris’s tent.

We stay an extra day, so we can get some rest, on account of the really long veterinary surgery we performed on the kitty.

Paris and I go out in search of some water to bathe in. We find a lovely, a la Paris, waterfall. As I am enjoying a leisurely leech-free bath, I hear shots on the shore. I look over only to see Paris shooting some dogs. What is it with this team and animals? Are no species safe?

She kills two (I am really glad that (Nun)Chuck is not here, or he’d likely be preparing dinner) and the rest run off. I get out of the water and dress, since I just know that Jack and (Up)Chuck will be on their way to investigate the shots. You know, no shooting can go on without their involvement.

The sound of more shots tells me that the rest of the dogs have probably encountered the boys. Jack shows up covered in puppy blood. Boy am I glad that Fluffy Fang (the jaguar) is not here to see this.

We return to the camp and settle down. I fall asleep to the gentle purring of Fluffy Fang.

We construct a kitty litter for Fluffy Fang and head out.

Another boring day of beautiful scenery and communing with nature. Scotty, please beam me up!!

That night we are once again awakened (surprise, surprise) by a commotion and some shots. It seems that Paris’s tent collapsed again and started to blow away. She chased after it, only to have (Up)Chuck blow a hole in it. I told her that she could use it as a big poncho, but I don’t think her fashion sense would allow that.

We head into the mountains. (Up)Chuck and Jack are getting better at the whole horse thing, because neither of them fell off.

We drift off to sleep. Guess what? I wake up because I hear some noise. I peek outside and yell "landslide!" Jack grabs Fluffy Fang, I get our horses, Just One Jake runs, Paris and Garrett jump on their horses, and Alberto struggles to get on his. The only thing louder than the falling rocks are (Up)Chuck’s snores. I suppose he only awakens when we are threatened by Bambi or a runaway tent. Paris goes to his tent and yells, "bug out!"

(Up)Chuck grabs Patricia and starts to run, but Paris is hit by rocks and falls. (Up)Chuck throws Paris over his shoulder and runs.

When the rock dust settles, it seems that Ms. Patricia Singer is gone. Not like Dr. Temple gone, she’s dead. I just knew she’d meet her end in these jungles. Paris and Just One Jake are unconscious. Alberto is bruised, but alive. Garrett, Jack, (Up)Chuck, Fluffy Fang and I are okay. Jack tends the wounded and (Up)Chuck and I go back to the camp to retrieve what we can.

We bury Patricia and rest before continuing on.

This totally sucks. I am beyond pissed off, battered, hungry, sunburned, disgusted and Jack has the nerve to complain that he’s not ‘getting any’ this trip. After his performance in the should-have-stayed-lost city, that big pussy-cat sleeping in our tent is the closest he’s going to come, let me tell you!

Hallelujah! We have finally found a village. There is a mountain nearby that I think we’ll be able to use the sat-phone from to call for help.

The only hitch is the sight of motorcycles in the village. Clearly, Ortiz is waiting for us. We formulate a plan. Yes, that’s right, we have a plan. (Up)Chuck will climb the mountain and make the call. Jack will provide cover for (Up)Chuck. The rest of us will go into town for supplies and to bluff Ortiz.

We bury most of the treasure first. Paris then conspicuously buries the rest of the treasure within sight of the village. We enter the town and are met by Ortiz.

I think he’s been in the jungle too long, because he thinks I am Paris. I told him Paris wouldn’t be caught dead here (but that’s only because I fully intend on getting out of here alive). We offer him a few gold coins, but he sends his men out to dig up the conspicuously buried treasure. He then continues with his little I (that’s me, not him)-am-Paris-delusion and shoots Just One Jake. I get mad. I’ve lost more weight than I ever wanted to, I have large cat scratches on my body, Paris/Carmen is bruised and battered, neither of us have ever looked this disheveled, and all I really want to do is slip into my Bonnie Prince Charlies in the comfort of my neat and orderly, non-jungle terrain metropolitan apartment.

Then one of Ortiz’s henchmen threatens to skin my Fluffy Fang. He asks what it’s worth. Okay, now I’m really pissed. I didn’t lug a really large fur-covered killing machine across the mountains so this banana republic fruitcake could skin it. I tell him it’s worth his life and pull my gun.

Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck has successfully called for help and started down the mountain. He’s been spotted, and starts shooting strategic points on the mountain to start a rock slide.

Jack has seen the impending disaster in the village and turns his attention to the many armed men there. He shoots Ortiz, who grabs at the wound on the back of his neck. Paris and I are soon covered in Ortiz blood and brains as Jack shoots him again.

I tell the men that we are taking the treasure and leaving, but they disagree. I shoot the cat-hater’s leg off.

Anyway, what follows next is a lot of shooting, Paris grabbing the treasure off the edge of the well, bad guys dropping, me getting shot twice in the leg and (Up)Chuck causing an explosion on the mountain. At the sight of the mayhem unfolding before them, the villagers decide that the gods must be angry. We tell them we’re leaving, but we need food and water first. They throw a loaf of bread at us.

When the team finally regroups, a helicopter arrives. We retrieve the rest of the treasure and head toward the chopper. Cahill is a little surprised at the sight of Fluffy Fang, but takes it all in stride.

That evening, the exhausted team sinks into beds and falls into deep sleep: Jack dreams that he is given an unlimited credit line at a casino in exchange for some gold artifacts; (Up)Chuck is using an M-16 to rid the world of snakes, rats, spiders, cats and dogs; Paris is appearing on a nationally syndicated talk show to promote her newest book, The Twenty Day Guide to a Healthier Complexion: Secrets of the Amazon Jungle; and I am walking Fluffy Fang around Paris, with a stop on the lawn of Inspector Clusine so Fluffy Fang can mark his territory. I smile and snuggle into the covers.

(Up)Chuck

Paris

Jack

Sheila

(Up)Chuck

Paris

Jack

Sheila