Another day, another mission. This is no ordinary mission, though – we’re going to Vegas. Now, I know that, despite the fact that we live close to Monte Carlo and Jack visits on a regular allowance … I mean basis, the lure of Las Vegas has never faded from his gambling consciousness. The sight of the water fountain outside of the Bellagio causes his palms to itch and his pupils to dilate in some sort of Pavlovian response. So I ask you, is there any way that I could go to run a mission in Las Vegas and not take Jack?
Serafina and Rossi/Jacques meet me in California for their briefing. It seems that an ex-special forces agent nicknamed Tommy Two Toes successfully completed a mission in South America and successfully returned to the United States, yet somehow he failed to successfully return the seven to eight million dollars he retrieved on said mission. I would feel kind of like Mrs. Pot sending a team out to get the money back, except for one little thing: How greedy can you be? Eight million? Come on dude, skim a little off the top, but the whole thing? Apparently, this prick thought he was going to use the money to gamble and, after he won a sufficient amount, return the original amount to the government and live off of his winnings. Having had several rather bad experiences caused by Jack’s susceptibility to the gambling monster, I have little or no patience for gamblers.
Anyway, Rossi decides to take his flashy, stolen from Mexican drug dealers Ferrari to Vegas, while I find a new start-up rental company that does not yet own a copy of the Car Renter’s Black List. Jack and I hop into my Rental Ruins vehicle and off we go. Jack is looking kind of relaxed, wearing a smile of anticipation when I hit a sandy patch on the road and send the car into a spin. As we are coming to a stop, a red Ferrari flies by. After we come to a stop, Jack looks at me in horror, takes out his duct tape and secures himself to the seat. If he’s lucky, I’ll cut him loose in Vegas. It’s a good thing for him that I am an excellent driver.
I regain my composure and head in the direction of Las Vegas, gaining speed with every mile until we fly by the red Ferrari.
We arrive in Las Vegas and Jack and I check into the Excalibur. Rossi and Serafina check into Paris, the hotel not the agent, and phone Romy, who lives in Vegas, to let her know they have arrived. They arrange to meet at the MGM Grand, which is where Tommy Two Toes is staying.
At the MGM Grand, Romy finds Rossi and Serafina. Rossi goes to the desk to try and charm the room number out of the desk clerk, while Romy uses her many Vegas contacts to get the information. I am hacking into the computer system to also look for the information. Eventually, I find out the Tommy Russo checked into Suite 12 for an hour, then checked out and a Leslie St. John checked in, Romy finds out that Leslie St. John is bankrolling Tommy Two Toes and paying for his stay in Suite 12 and Rossi finds out that all the bullshitting in the world will get you nowhere with one lady when two others come up from behind, put their arms around you and call you honey. The desk clerk bids him farewell and he turns to Serafina and Romy and tells them he was just about to get the information. Romy mentions that she was going to tell him what room Tommy Two Toes was in, but if he’s not interested …
Rossi hurriedly makes apologies to Romy, who shares her information. Romy leaves Rossi and Serafina sitting at the Parisian, that’s the bar not the city, the agent or the hotel, watching the elevator doors for signs of Tommy Two Toes and goes to do laundry. (Hey, spies have domestic chores, too.)
In the meantime, Jack wants to go to Binnions to engage in some high stakes gambling. I set his gambling limit at $10,000. We go to Binnion’s and, to my surprise, see Paris, the agent not the city or the bar, with David Palmer, the leader of the Hand. What the fuck? Not only am I mad at this SOB because his group beat up Alex Architect, even if there was lots of apologizing, but Damnit! They’re here to steal … acquire … the money, too? I go outside and call Mr. Patterson. He is unavailable and his assistant is about as helpful as an electric light in a blackout. He will be back in three hours.
Back inside, Mr. Palmer, has moved up a notch on my shit list as he has told Jack about a Poker competition that is still in the preliminary rounds, meaning Jack still has time to sign up. We sign him up and take a stroll down the strip. There goes that damned red Ferrari again, although this time it is on the back of a tow truck.
Romy returns to the Parisian Bar and a short time later, the trio sees Tommy Two Toes leave with his girlfriend and another couple. Serafina follows them in to watch a Jai Alai match, while Rossi and Romy go up to the Two Toes suite.
Rossi defeats the electronic key pad with a swift kick, shattering the door on its hinges. Yep, he’s as stealthy as Jack. They enter the room and see several Roman style statues around the room, but there is one pre-Colombian statue in the middle of the room that doesn’t fit with the rest of the motif. They look at it, but other than its poor decorating sense, nothing seems wrong.
Rossi goes into the office while Romy searches the other areas. She hears a muffled pop a short time later. It seems that Rossi found a booby-trapped box of weapons. Actually, he found a box of weapons. The whole booby-trapped thing didn’t really become apparent until it blew up in his face. He enters the living room looking like Wile E. Coyote with smoke trailing from his singed fur, holding the remnants of an Acme Munitions crate in his slightly bloody hands.
THE BOX BLEW UP.
Shhhhh.
WHAT?
Shhhhh.
I SAID, THE BOX BLEW UP.
Romy attempts to mime to Rossi that he is speaking in an exceptionally loud tone.
Rossi finds a safe and manages to figure out the combination. He opens it and takes $7,500, a gun and several artifacts.
Rossi’s cell phone vibrates and he takes it out. Romy holds out her hand and he gives her the phone. Serafina tells her that the couples have left the Jai Alai match. Romy and Rossi quickly grab more artifacts and the contents of the bar and leave.
Jack and I return to Binnion’s for his poker match. Paris receives a phone call. She and Palmer are trying to figure out how Jack managed to get to the MGM Grand, rip off the suite and return so quickly.
As we sit in the back watching the match, Paris asks ‘how did you do it? How did you get there and back so fast?’
Huh? I can honestly say that I have no idea what she is talking about.
Meanwhile, Romy decides to take Rossi back to his hotel in his Ferrari. As they enter the parking garage, Rossi’s phone starts vibrating. It’s Serafina telling them that the couples have not returned to the room, instead they’ve gone to the casino. There is a large commotion in the parking garage and lots of Spanish being spoken. Romy holds the phone up so Serafina can listen. Apparently, someone spotted Rossi’s stolen from drug dealers Ferrari and called the police who have impounded the car. Serafina tells Romy that she and Rossi should carefully, without attracting too much attention, turn around and leave the garage. Romy says in a semi-loud voice, ‘honey, Sarah just told me that I’m underdressed. We have to go back to the room.’
WHAT?
She drags him out of the garage and out to where her car is parked.
We’re going to your hotel room.
NO, I’M A GEMINI. WHY?
You have to stay in your room until you can hear again.
I HAD TWO DOGS AND A CAT. YOU ASK FUNNY QUESTIONS.
You stupid bastard, you can’t hear a word I’m saying, can you?
LOOK, I LIKE YOU, BUT NOT IN THAT WAY.
Rossi hands his vibrating cell phone to Romy. It’s me. I finally got in touch with Patterson and he told me that other teams are here for our objective and they are better than my team, so we’d better hurry. I inform Romy that there is some urgency to our mission now.
Romy leads Rossi to his room, sits him on the bed, puts the TV on at a normal volume and hands him a note. You can’t leave this room until you can hear that TV. She takes the remote with her when she leaves.
Back at the MGM Grand, Serafina follows Tommy Two Toes into the casino. When Romy returns, the girls decide to take another look in the suite.
Serafina walks in, looks at the statue in the middle of the room and says, ‘Pre-Columbian piece of chit knock-off.’
What do you mean?
Well, this piece of chit is no even a really good imitation. Here, I show you. I hit it and it will break. She picks up an ice pick from the bar and slams it into the large statue. The statue shatters and out falls eight million dollars!
Yeah, right.
What actually happened was that Serafina’s swing met with the resistance of flexed (Up)Chuck abs and she drops the ice pick while yelling, Chu mudder fucker! Mi Dios! Why do chu people call this a funny bone?
But Romy is transfixed at the sight of gold where the paint has been chipped away by Serfina’s hit.
As the throbbing ebbs, Serafina sees the gold, too. Perhaps I will start calling these ladies Jackie, because they devise a plan. They will steal a wheel mop bucket from the maid’s closet, hoist the statue onto the mop, and bring it to another room.
Rossi has finally regained some of his hearing and he phones Romy. She tells him to rent a room in the MGM Grand and get over here. Then she breaks into the maid’s closet. Serafina finds a maid’s outfit that fits her to a T. She makes some cracks about Latino maids and dons the outfit. She and Romy take the mop into the suite and lift the statue onto the pail.
Yeah right.
What actually happened was that they attempted to lift it, only to drop it to the ground. Serafina grabs a blanket and they roll the statue onto the blanket in order to lift it. Unfortunately, they alternated coordination. When one lifter her end, the other dropped hers. The statue rolled off the blanket into Serafina’s ankle.
Chu mudder fucker! Mierda! Piece of Chit!
Once again, Romy is hissing Shhhhh at her companion.
When the throbbing in Serafina’s ankle subsides a little, they try again. They decide to drag it to the closet where they can try to lift it again. They manage to get the statue to the door, when it rolls off the blanket and into the wall.
Once again, they get it back on the blanket and eventually manage to get it in the hallway. As they are nearing the housekeeping closet, the elevator arrives. They throw the blanket over the statue and attempt to look nonchalant. Fortunately, the elevator was empty.
Romy props the doors open to keep it from bringing any guests to the floor and they set about moving the statue again. Determined not to lose her side again, Serafina throws all her might into her lift and, just as a presumed full, but almost empty milk container flies into the air when you lift, the statue flies into the elevator. Romy manages to jump in just as the doors are closing.
Serafina phones her. Romy tells her to go two floors down. Short of breath and limping, Serafina makes her way down the staircase while holding the mop bucket.
Rossi has made his way to the MGM Grand and approaches the desk to speak with the ever helpful Maya that he had spoken with on the phone. A young woman with large labeled breasts tells him that she is Maya asks if she can help him. Ahem, I’m up here, sir. Rossi lifts his gaze to her face and says, ‘but it says Mellons.’ ‘No sir, it says Mellon. That’s me, Maya Mellon. Can I help you?’
Somehow, Rossi manages to get checked in and phones Romy, who has arrived two floors down and met up with the bedraggled Serafina. In a stroke of incredible luck, they are on the same floor as the room Rossi managed to get. He takes the elevator to the floor and finds Romy, looking a little winded but mostly okay and Serafina, who is sweating profusely, rubbing her ankle and muttering in Spanish, sitting on a large object that is covered by a blanket.
He picks the statue up, leans it on his shoulder and carries it to the new room where he drops it on the bed. The bed springs squeal under the weight of the statue, but fortunately, the frame of the bed holds. Rossi’s eyes light up as he sees the gold where the paint has been chipped away.
Back at the poker game, Paris has received word that Jack is stealing the statue. She stares in wonder at the Jack that is playing cards and heads out of the casino, just as I am returning from my conversation with Mr. Patterson. She goes up to the ruined suite at the MGM Grand.
Rossi decides that they need to get the gold out of the hotel ASAP, so he once again hoists the statue onto his shoulder and he, Serafina and Romy make their way out of the hotel. Paris’s contacts find out from Miss Maya Mellon what room Rossi was given and Paris heads down the two flights of stairs to the new room. She enters the hallway just as the elevator doors are closing and catches a glimpse of a smiling Rossi giving her a little wave with the fingers of the hand that is holding a statue over his shoulder.
The trio makes its way to Romy’s car and drive off into the night with the statue. Rossi plans on returning to woo Miss Mellon and free his car from the impound yard after they unload the statue.
Meanwhile, Jack has won his poker match and is now obligated (oh please, since when has Jack ever had to be obligated to do anything having to do with gambling?) to stay the month and finish the match.
This is like a season ending serial TV show cliff hanger: Will Paris, the agent – not the city, bar, hotel or plaster, tell the Hand about Jacques/Rossi? Will Jack become the reigning poker champion? Will Rossi make it with Maya Mellon? Will Serafina’s ankle ever return to its normal size? Will Romy’s laundry be hopelessly wrinkled by the time she gets it out of the dryer?
Tune in next time for an episode of Spies of Our Lives.