December 15, 2000

Electro-Shock, Corp.
25 Static Street
Tremor, CA 90157

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to complain about your cell phone, model IM4-PAIN.

It started with small little static shocks. Never sure whether they were actually static shocks or some small malfunction in your less than satisfactory device, I said nothing. When I started to notice the slight smell of cauterized skin, I complained a little. Eventually, I was beginning to suspect that I might be experiencing some internal organ damage, and I switched the substandard appliance from vibrate to ring.

At first, this seemed to be a suitable solution. However, when the apparatus’s tone began to rival the decibel level of the voice of the librarian Arlene, I again became perturbed. Finally, when the ringing of the phone shattered the silence of the night (not an acceptable situation when one is surrounded by armed people who become rather alarmed at loud mysterious noises that awaken them), I was left with no choice but to switch the piece of crap back to vibrate.

Not only is the damned deafening device burning my skin (my physician thinks that I am burning myself while cooking, however, I am an outstanding talent in the kitchen), and rearranging my internal organ configuration, but it is causing disturbances that measure on the Richter Scale wherever I go. I now have US Geological Survey Office employees following me. Have you ever been followed by an army of engineering geeks? My therapist is accusing me of paranoia, but I assure you, they are out there.

I am now using your fucking phone as a torture device. Has Electro-Shock considered that marketing angle? It works better than a stun gun.

I have chosen not to contact your help-desk, because a recent frustrating call to your subsidiary, Stellar Satellite, revealed that none of your employees speak English above a sixth grade level, and they pose as their own supervisors.

I look forward to some correspondence from your company explaining why you would market an instrument of agony and torment as a communication device and what sort of compensation is available for all of the pain and suffering I have endured.

Sincerely,

Sheila Lysniewski
Spy, Museum Archivist, Culinary Expert, etc.