After the Singapore affair, I take Paris up on her Hawaiian invite and stay there for a few days. Then I return to France and Jack. Jack finishes patching up my wounds and I am well on my way to recovery when I am called to Los Angeles.
I am giving (Nun)Chuck a cooling off period, so I will use Deputy Dumped Paris and the twins. Quite frankly, if Deputy Doubting (his abilities) was shooting better, I would just use him, but I need to be sure the job is done (so I can go home soon) and the McBobsey’s certainly can use some practice.
Apparently, two girls (Monica and Arwin) went to Thailand and met two guys, named Will and Dan. The next day, the girls found that their bungalow had been burgled. Upon returning to the states, they realized that someone (most likely Dan and Will) had put heroin in their suitcases. Fortunately, customs had not discovered the drugs, but the pissed off Monica hired us to stop the guys from creating the script for Brokedown Palace II by any means necessary.
We have some information that the guys will be entered in the US Open Sand Castle Competition at Imperial Beach this weekend.
After the briefing, I give the twins a gentle warning not to fuck this up.
I call Monica. She’s not home, so I leave a message.
The twins ask for a ride to San Diego, so I throw them in the back of the car with a couple of six packs. That should keep them quiet.
Sean is bitching about my driving and the lack of a bottle opener. I warn him to keep quiet and throw him a church key.
Deputy Domicile returns to his home in San Diego.
I drop the twins off at the El Camino Motel and go check into my motel, The Hawaiian Gardens. Then I rent some in-line skates. I’ve always wanted to try this. You know what? I’m a pretty good skater! If I keep practicing, I’ll be as good a skater as I am driver. I finally speak with Monica and I ask her if she is willing to ID the guys if we provide digital photos. She informs me that she is going to Tokyo tomorrow to shoot cats (in a commercial), but Arwin will do it. Arwin is in the shower, so I tell Monica to have Arwin call me in ten minutes.
Anyway, as the evening progresses, it becomes apparent that Arwin is not going to call back, so I call her again. She has absolutely no idea that Monica hired us or that Monica said that she (Arwin) would ID the guys. You know, I am tired of rich bitches messing up all my plans. That’s it – I’m going to Burbank.
Deputy Dismantling is cleaning his weapons with painstaking care.
After a thoroughly aggravating drive back up to Burbank, I arrive at the girls’ house at 1 am. I knock. The third house mate refuses to call either Arwin or Monica to the door and calls the cops.
I leave and call. I tell the girl that I am calling about Monica’s plane reservations to Tokyo the next day. When Monica gets on the phone, she starts spouting off some shit about how she thought she hired a competent agency to look into this matter.
Right. Armed with her stunning and completely detailed description, two men between 6’1" and 6’3" with dark brown hair and blue or green eyes, we should find them in a snap. Does this stupid f****** bitch realize that she just described approximately half of the male Californian population? As much as it would thrill me to set Deputy Demonic and the McBobsey’s loose on the sun-loving, care-free, sand castle-building masses of California, I would never get home. It would simply take too long.
I try to politely tell her that we need a positive identification before um… ruining someone’s life. She is still blathering into the phone and I mention that Arwin had no idea about the whole plan. She says that Arwin forgets things. Okay, I don’t have time for this shit. I tell her that Arwin said she (Monica) is a liar. After yelling ‘that bitch,’ she seems to forget that she was on the phone. I listen to the melee for a few minutes and hang up. I think about the scene at the house, the police trying to figure out what the hell is going on and now having to break up a cat fight. I can almost hear the meows from here. I smile and drive back to San Diego.
It is early in the morning when I arrive back. Since I have not rested, I feel that nobody should, so I call the twins to make sure they get their asses to the beach bright and early to start taking the photos. Apparently, they spent their evening trying to find a nice Irish bar, after realizing that establishments that only serve beer with fruit in it and Dos Equis were not places they wished to patronize.
The twins go to the beach and start taking photos. Deputy Diligent is walking the beach, getting the lay of the land.
I go to the beach after the parade. Arwin calls and agrees to identify the guys from photos.
Deputy Discourse has made contact with all of the big teams in the competition. The twins finally give me the photos and I leave to send them to the LA office so someone can take them to Arwin.
I return to the beach and shop for something to bring back to Jack. I see none other than Luke Deveraux on the street. He approaches and asks how my wounds are doing. He wants to know why Deputy Dweller is working on his own turf. I tell him that I am still not talking to Captain Ahab ((Nun)Chuck), and if he had ever seen the twins’ work, he wouldn’t be asking me that question. He tells me not to blow up his city, I tell him to seek cover, etc. He leaves after saying that he thinks Jack’s present is gaudy. Oh well. Jack is just going to put it out in his pediatric practice waiting room where some little French shit will no doubt break it. I also pick up a San Diego T-shirt for him.
Finally, I receive word that an ID has been made on Will. I call the team and tell them that I am going to pick up a hard copy picture of the identified man.
After returning, I show the picture to the team. I make it clear to the class that target one is not to be taken out until target two has been located. Maureen heads off to try and make contact with him, while Sean seeks an Australian girl that Maureen overheard talking to Will.
The not so charming Maureen fails to endear herself to Will, but manages to get close to one of the other guys on the team.
Sean determines that the Australian girl probably has nothing to do with any of this and that she has an overprotective father.
Since we still need the identity of Dan, or Nick, as the team believes his real name is, Deputy Detective approaches Will and asks where Nick is, as he wants to score some dope. Will shushes him and points to Nick.
Now that we have the identity of the idiots, the team is waiting for the fireworks show to take their shots.
Deputy Distance has secreted himself in a location from which he can take a shot at the targets.
Sean is keeping an eye on Maureen, who has managed to get Nick to sit with her. The verschnookered Nick starts to fall asleep, so Maureen uses some … persuasive tactics to bring him to. He jumps and yells I’m up, which was a very appropriate response to her stimulus.
She gets him to follow her to a deserted part of the beach.
Meanwhile, back at the competition area, Deputy Drill ‘Em has put two nicely placed shots in Will’s back. Satisfied that he finally managed to hit a target with no misses or Smuckering incidents, he calls me and tells me his target has been acquired and that Maureen took target two in the opposite direction. He also sees a strange mammal on the beach in that area spinning in circles. It turns out that that is Sean. He tried to follow Maureen and Nick, but lost them in the darkness.
Maureen waits until the Grand Finale starts and shoots Nick in the head at point blank range. Of course, one of the shots misses and she has to shoot him again to finish him off.
Now covered in brains, guts and blood, she climbs over the wire fence to the street. She returns to her hotel looking like a Stigmatic gone wrong. I find Sean, call Maureen and send him home to tend to her wounds.
Hey, this was pretty successful – no explosions, no arrests, no injuries (to the team). Deputy Delighted is happy. He has his mojo back. The Twins are happy. They can return to Boston, land of the Irish American pub. I’m happy. I have not been shot. I can return to France and rescue my wedding plans from Jack’s overzealous hands.