Well, it’s been some time since I’ve written a report so I thought I would take the time to jot down a few words about recent events. I think I’ll call this one Jack’s descent into hell on earth… or maybe Jack’s introduction to the psychotic world of operations… nah, I’ll just stick to Welcome to my World, Jack!
Things are going okay. Paris is staying in the spare room in my apartment, while helping me finalize the plans for the wedding and bachelorette party. The recently acquired Norwegian Forest Cat kitten, Daphne Noel, is settling in quite nicely. I have instructed her not to take any shit from the recently neutered and less than happy Gatsby.
Anyway, a package is delivered for Jack. He examines the contents and announces that he has to go to Nice for a mission. With the proximity of our upcoming nuptials and the proximity of Nice to Monte Carlo in mind, I instruct Jack to disregard my previous lifting of the gambling prohibition. Knowing that the lure of clinking chips and rustle of shuffling cards have a bizarre and sometimes unpredictable effect on Jack, I institute a new rule: NO GAMBLING BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Jack is busy picking out a suit. Yeah, that’s right, I said suit. Apparently, ISIS, the agency not the goddess, has decided to assign Jack some operative duties and he feels he must dress the part. I snicker into my Martiki. The daring Jack has swapped the standard red tie for an electric blue one.
With suit in one hand and a determination to be taken seriously in his new role in the other, Jack leaves for Nice.
Meanwhile, Claire, Rossi and some new agent named Daniel have been instructed to make their way from the States to Nice. Karin is dispatched to Nice from Berlin. Ben Black is also awaiting instructions in Nice.
Now, I’m not on this mission, but Jack has since made several desperate phone calls and one weekend trip to Paris to share his operative woes with me, so I’ll use my knowledge of the team and my incredible insight to fill in the blanks in the creation of this mission report.
Jack meets someone in Nice to receive some instructions and a race car (and no, I’m not embellishing that). He then checks into his hotel and begins wondering where his team is. He calls Karin. She answers the phone and Jack hears all sorts of horn honking and German cursing. Forgoing the Sheila-talking-to-the-linguistically-impaired-literal-minded-and-thoroughly-frustrating-incredibly-German Karin experience, he asks, "where are you?" "In the car, duh." Du Lahmarsch! Beep. "Why are you in the car?" "Because I am driving, duh." (This is one word whose usage she seems to have totally grasped.) "Why aren’t you here?" Honk. Du verfluchter Arschloch! Beep beep. Lech’ mich am Arsch! "Because I am still driving there, duh." An exasperated Jack tells her to get to Nice, check into his hotel and call him.
He then contacts Claire, who managed to hook up with Rossi and Daniel on the flight to France. She tells him they are in the bar downstairs. Jack goes to meet with part of his team.
As he enters the bar in his suit, Rossi yells ‘Dude’ and Claire asks who dressed him in her charming, albeit heavily French accented English. Jack turns to Daniel and asks if he speaks English. His delight at hearing bland American accented English that is blessedly lacking any dudes is palpable.
Jack tells the assembled team members that two more will be joining them shortly at which point he realizes that he has forgotten to call Black. He excuses himself from the table and makes a call. Black is apparently traveling at breakneck speed toward Monte Carlo and the casinos. Jack tells him to turn around and meet them. After hanging up, Jack makes some quick calculations based on the distance and Black’s total disregard for the laws of physics and the laws of France, and determines that he will join the team in three minutes. Two and a half minutes later, a wind-blown Ben Black enters the bar. Karin has arrived and checked in to her room. She phones Jack. He tells her to meet them in the bar. Having seen a number of likely establishments on her way, Karin has the presence of mind to ask which bar.
She joins the team and shares a joyful reunion with Claire, as well as a good laugh at Jack’s suit. Daniel watches the team with typical former Fed disdain. Jack attempts to brief the team. He tells them that basically some Germans… seeing the wrath on Karin’s face, he amends that to Nazis… stole artwork from various Europeans during World War II. A Frenchman, named Cavalier, has retained ISIS to retrieve his family’s possessions. The intelligence gathered so far seems to indicate that others have been looking into the possible location of these items and another team may have been hired to do the same job for which ISIS has been hired. The San Remo road rally is the likely milieu for this activity. The possible suspects include race teams from England, Italy, France and Germany. As a cover, Cavalier has entered a car in the road rally. Claire and Rossi will be the drivers for Team Cavalier, Black will be the crew chief, and Karin and Daniel will be the crew. Jack’s use of words such as unsavory and heavies have led Karin to believe they are looking for bad tasting fat men. Claire is busy translating for Karin, Daniel is spouting off some nonsense about alien abductions and haunted villages in the area, Rossi is salivating over the pictures of the car he will get to drive, and Black is enthusiastically reading aloud from the materials about the various items supposedly stolen by the Nazis.
Jack is perusing the schedule of events for the road rally. He begins to have a sinking feeling when he notes the dates, which start next week and continue through to October. Hmmm, let’s think about this. Our wedding is scheduled for September 29. Karin and Claire, with the bachelorette party on September 22 in mind, are trying to be heard over the din. They are adamant that they need that weekend off.
So there is Jack, sitting uncomfortably in a suffocating suit thinking that he has to find the stolen items before the wedding, as Rossi is stating that they can’t finish the mission early, because he has a cool car to drive and a road rally to win, Karin is yelling about the weekend off, Black is helping Claire concoct a story about needing the weekend for fittings and a shower (of the bridal type), and Daniel is still spouting off shit about hauntings. Want some Valium, Jack?
Jack calls to tell me about his conflicting timeline. I am sympathetic, as always. I know that he’ll make sure he’s at the wedding, if for no other reason than there will be no place on Earth that he would be able to hide from me if he doesn’t.
I hang up and begin preparing the just-in-case-Jack-doesn’t-show-up menu. Heart of Jack, Seasoned Jack Spleen, Linguine and Jack Liver, Filet of Jack Foot…
Meanwhile, the team makes its way to a villa on the Italian-French border at which they will be staying.
When Jack arrives with the mini race car in tow, Rossi runs to check it out. Claire asks Jack if he lost part of it at customs. They are greeted by Ginette Cavalier, the daughter of their employer. She gives them keys to the rooms in the villa and, after telling Jack that her brother will be by with a copy of the invoice of stolen items, leaves.
The team is checking out the list of things to do in the area. Karin is excited to find that there is a German Goth show that evening. Daniel’s interest is sparked at the possibility of a close encounter of the spooky-vampire-cult kind and he agrees to go.
When it’s time to leave, Karin emerges clad head to foot in leather. Apparently, since returning to Europe, she has been exploring her Eurotrash Goth Girl side. Boy, do I wish Cahill could see that! Rossi, easily influenced by leather-clad chicks, quickly determines that he needs to go, as well, and runs to Black to be fitted with vampire fangs.
Claire, Jack and Black opt for an evening of card playing.
After the show, Karin is driving Rossi and Daniel back to the villa when she notices that Rossi is turning an ominous shade of green, not seen since Jake Jake tried to out-drink me in a Scottish pub. Not wishing to have an (Up)Chuck-meets-Sheila’s-shoes event in her little car, she slams on the brakes and tells him to get out if he’s going to be sick. Daniel makes the mistake of pointing out some of her English deficiencies and she orders him out of the car, too. While she is trying to evict the testosterone from her vehicle, a police car pulls up. Karin is explaining what’s going on in German, but the cops don’t speak German. Rossi translates and they tell him to get out and be sick. Then they ask Karin to get out and take a roadside sobriety test. Daniel crouches down in the back seat and calls Jack.
When Jack answers the phone, he hears the pleasant sounds of retching and promptly hangs up. Daniel calls back and explains the situation. Jack is thrilled.
After passing her sobriety test, Karin is told to return to Germany by the cops. She and Rossi get back in the car and she heads to Germany. Eventually, Rossi and Daniel realize that they are not headed to the villa. She explains that they are going to Germany.
Daniel once again calls Jack and tells him that they are going to Germany. Jack asks to speak with Karin. She takes the phone and struggles to maintain control of the car as she talks. "Why are you going to Germany?" Geh zum Teufel! Beep. "Because the police told me to." "No…" Ach du heilige Scheiße! "Have to go." Click. Jack stares dumbfounded at the phone.
Karin swerves out of the way of an oncoming car. Daniel seems excited about the possibility of visiting the Black Forest and starts spouting off more shit about hauntings and alien abductions. Karin intentionally swerves causing Daniel to hit his head and Rossi to start yelling about her driving. He is screaming ‘stop’ so Karin pulls over. Rossi lifts his fingers, which have been embedded in the Volkswagen’s dash, and reaches for the door handle. Karin is shrieking about her ruined dashboard. He gets out and she leaves. Daniel keeps saying that they have to go back for him, so she turns around.
Meanwhile, Rossi has flagged down a passing truck. A less than savory driver invites Rossi in and is about to start messing with Rossi, when Rossi bares his vampire teeth and hisses. The driver stops the truck and jumps out. Rossi gets behind the wheel.
Karin and Rossi are now heading straight toward each other. They both hunch over their steering wheels and begin a game of chicken. Daniel is using the newly created Rossi fingerholds in the dashboard. As the vehicles approach each other, Karin realizes that the words printed on the truck resemble something like ‘propane’ and swerves at the last minute. The car comes to rest in a ditch. Scheiße!
Daniel is struggling to get out of the car and climb out of the ditch as Karin attempts to call a tow truck. Unfortunately, she has no idea where she is and after several calls is unable to get anyone to take her seriously. Daniel, after falling in the mud, has jumped on the roof of the car and leapt to the road.
The truck driver is still running in circles yelling, ‘vampire.’
Rossi is driving his stolen truck back toward the villa.
The police finally arrive and call a tow truck for Karin’s car. They take the truck driver away for a psychiatric evaluation.
When they are back on the road. Daniel tells Karin to drive faster so they can catch Rossi. She accelerates. Eventually, Daniel realizes that they are still headed for Germany and calls the team. It is about noon and the team is just beginning to awaken after their late night card game. Claire asks to speak with Karin. Karin tells her that she is almost to Germany, where she will eat, rest and return. With a promise to bring chocolates and beer back, Karin hangs up.
Meanwhile, back at the villa, the comely son of M. Cavalier, Benoit, has arrived. He hands Claire his card, which she files away. He shows Jack the copy on the invoice listing the items stolen from the family, which includes gold, some cargo and some paintings, whose frames will be stamped with the family vineyard logo. Benoit takes photos of the team in order to obtain ID cards for the race.
Eventually, Karin and Daniel return, just as Benoit is leaving. Karin’s pleas for help in carrying the brew inside go unheeded. Daniel runs in saying that Karin is crazy. Jack finds Karin and tries to yell at her about the whole going to Germany thing, but she seems unimpressed. Want some Lithium, Jack?
The rest of the week passes peacefully. Benoit returns and instructs the team to spend the weekend at a location where they can practice with the car. Karin looks over the German invoice and mentions that one of the paintings in question may be a Cezanne worth big bucks. Jack’s eyes light up and he calls me with his plan. He will fail to ‘recover’ this Cezanne and sell it. Is he nuts!?!? Right before the wedding? He is going to risk getting caught with a priceless painting that belongs to someone else? Oh, and did I mention that if it is found in Italy, the Italian government has some antiquated laws that entitle them to ownership?
I return to the Louvre the next day to scour the stacks in search of mention of a missing Cezanne.
When the team leaves for the weekend. Jack takes the opportunity to return to Paris for some quality time with moi. Unfortunately, he starts talking about the painting again. I tell him that I found out that the Cavalier family did, in fact, lose a Cezanne during the war. I tell him that stealing it is wrong. Then he starts ranting about my twisted ethics, which leads to his questioning if I trust him, which leads to his wondering why I will be armed at my own wedding, which leads to the whole I-won’t-believe-him-that-a-swing-band-won’t-show-up-at-the-reception thing. Can I interest you in some Thorazine, Jack? At some point, he questions how I came into possession of such wonder pills, but I’ll never tell!
Then I realize that he gambled with the team. He is defending himself by saying it was only a nickel and dime game, but I am still pissed. It’s like giving a small drop of blood to a shark. It only wets his appetite.
Anyway, while Jack and I are firming up out relationship, the team has returned to the villa. Daniel talks Karin into going to a village that was destroyed by an earthquake and is now rumored to be haunted. He asks if she is Catholic. The very non-religious, I-grew-up-in-a-Communist-country Karin tells him she is Lutheran (what is she, a pathological liar?) and therefore, has no crucifix with which to repel Nosferatu. Upon her return to the villa, Karin seeks Claire out and presents a plan. They approach Black and ask him to help prepare a close spectral encounter of the Hollywood kind for Daniel that evening.
They take a cooler of beer and a flashlight and head up to the ruins. Claire is less than enthused by the place. Black’s specter appears, but when it (Rossi) begins doing Jack’s cabbage patch dance (the scariest think he could think of), Daniel gets mad. Karin and Claire are laughing too hard to pretend any kind of surprise.
Suddenly, a man appears in a doorway. It turns out to be someone that Daniel had spotted at the Goth club. He introduces himself as Rudolfo (which means wolf, as Claire later points out). The man accepts a beer and tells Claire (the only Italian-speaker in the group) that they should be more respectful of the spirits. He mentions that wolves come to protect them. Claire and Karin are sufficiently spooked by Rudolfo to tell Daniel that they will wait for him down where there are lights and people.
The next day, Claire goes for a quiet dinner and spots two members of the British road rally team. They are talking about needing enough money for the team. Finding no opportunity to engage them in conversation, Claire simply listens and takes notes. Wow, she’s taken the anti-surveillance kit to new levels. No piece of information escapes unrecorded and no scrap of paper fails to find its way into her portable folding file. I’m telling you, this chick’s code name should be Madame DeFarge.
Goth Girl decides it’s time to see another show. Once again, Daniel and Rossi accompany the leather-clad German to see the darker side of humanity. While at the club, the team spots a familiar blonde. Karin can’t recall how she knows the woman, but Rossi remembers that she was a member of the Hand organization from the last New York mission. Daniel has no idea who she is, but finds her attractive and makes his way toward her.
Karin and Rossi are bleeding… I mean dancing together in the pit when Karin notices a couple that looks very out of place. Her German sonar is active and she recognizes them as countrymen. She heads over to them and attempts to fake a trip that will put her in close proximity to them. Unfortunately, the less than chivalrous man attempts to step out of her way, actually tripping her in the process. She goes down, but manages to take him with her. The woman starts yelling at Karin. As any driver on the roads from here to Berlin can tell you, yelling obscenities at Karin is sure to spark a colorful repartee. Karin tells the woman to shut up – more or less – and begins talking to the man. He turns out to be Dutch and is the driver of the German team in the road rally. Karin is still trying to converse with him about the race, but he insinuates that her place on the team is akin to his companion’s place on his team. "What, the team slut?" Wow, I didn’t think it possible, but Karin’s tongue may be more dangerous when it is speaking German, than it is with English! The man attempts to slap Karin, who blocks. Rossi comes to Karin’s aid by decking the driver who falls to the floor and loses consciousness. Karin turns her attention to the team slut, who is approaching with claws drawn. Karin stares at the girl’s fingernails with disdain and punches her in the face.
Daniel is horrified at the scene that is taking place and separates himself from the blonde to come to the aid of the fallen Dutch driver. At Rossi’s suggestion, he tries the ever-successful friendly sternum rub. The man comes to and, true to sternum rubbee form, hits the sternum rubber.
The blonde passes by and says, ‘see you later, good-looking.’ Nobody seems sure at whom this remark was directed. "I hope so," thinks Daniel. "She wants me," thinks Rossi. "Lesbian," thinks Karin.
A bouncer suggests that it is time for Karin and Rossi to leave, so they do. Daniel follows them out, rubbing his jaw.
A shouting match ensues in the parking lot. Danny tells them he is going to report this to their operative. They don’t seem to care and leave him to go get another drink.
The next morning, Jack returns to the villa. He counts the team members. Good, they’re all here. He asks what has been going on. Blank stares and ‘nothings’ from the team seem to make Jack happy. "Excellent, nobody was injured or arrested." "Not on our team," says Karin.
Daniel stares at the group incredulously. He recounts his version of the events of the past few days, starting with his unplanned trip to Germany and ending with a bar brawl, in which the team attacks innocent people.
Once again, Jack finds himself in the middle of a verbal brawl. He hears at some point that Danny told the blonde Hand member the identities of the team. "Even Jack Payne???" The look on former-Fed Danny’s face indicates that he had no idea that Jack was Jack Payne, but he does know of Jacques the International Cabaret Terrorist. He grabs his phone and calls ISIS headquarters to ask why he is working with Terrorist Jack. They politely inform him over the non-secure line that Jack the Terrorist is dead, so he can’t be working for him. Jack grabs the extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin that I packed for him.
When all the imparting is done, Karin remembers seeing the Bird (the middle finger of the Hand) at the club, as well. Rossi realizes that he was pick-pocketed by the blonde at the club and is no longer in possession of his license, passport, $1200, chewing gum and his just-in-case condom.
So, what does Jack have? He has a mission, whose parameters seem to have the potential to cause him to miss his wedding (which would be very hazardous to his health); a car-struck Rossi, who can think only of winning the road rally in that really neat car; Black, who is in danger of enticing Jack to a casino; the overly efficient Claire, who is checking her files to make sure she didn’t accidentally file Rossi’s passport; Danny, who is pissed off at the situation, but realizes that his employment with ISIS still offers a better opportunity for him to continue his quest for proof of aliens and the occult than the FBI did; and Karin, who has completely shed her Eastern German repressed Communist upbringing for the wild world of underground music, leather and road rage.