This report finds me disturbed. Of course, that’s an understatement. I am not disturbed – I am pissed. No, that doesn’t do justice to my mood, either – I am positively homicidal. It’s less than two weeks until the wedding and Jack’s team has yet to complete its mission, the best man has been beaten to a bloody pulp, my car has been totaled, Jack thinks he can order me around, and all sorts of law enforcement and shady spook types are showing an interest in the group’s activities. Oh yeah, did I mention that I have been shot – again? Fortunately, I was shot in the abdomen, so it won’t show during the wedding. Wow, I never thought I would use the word ‘fortunately’ in conjunction with the phrase ‘I was shot in the abdomen!’
I am now standing in front of the group, a customs agent, an FBI agent and M. Cavalier (the ISIS client) at the villa, pointing my gun at Jack, while trying to decide if I should shoot him in the head or the balls.
So, what bizarre chain of ridiculous events brought me to this moment? I’m glad you asked. Here we go. After a lovely breakfast and our daily interrogation by Clusine and le Couer, everybody finally meets in the dining room.
We are still awaiting the arrival of the rest of our explosives, as Alex and Black have not yet returned so we have a peaceful day. Daniel decides that he needs a box of silver bullets and heads to Nice. He finds someone who is willing to rip him off – I mean make the bullets for him – for $1500. With a promise that the bullets will be ready Monday night, Daniel heads back to the villa.
Claire, remembering that Daniel promised the vampire Arturo that we wouldn’t hurt anybody in the ruined village, tells Jack that she needs a tranquilizer dart-shooting rifle. Jack, happy that another agent is interested in using his weapon of choice, makes the appropriate phone calls.
Eventually, Black comes in with Alex and throws a huge box of explosive materials on the kitchen counter. I make him take it out of the potentially combustible room (some of us (Jack) do have a history of causing small kitchen fires), so he dumps it on the living room floor.
We all opt for a little R&R that evening. Jack and I go for a nice quiet walk around the little town, while the rest of the group heads off to another of Karin’s Goth club experiences. By some miracle, there are no bar fights, no vampire encounters and nobody is stopped by the police. However, Designated Driver Dan is trashed. I’m telling you, from what I’ve seen, joining the FBI seems to remove your God-given ability to consume booze without running the risk of alcohol poisoning. These guys are lightweights! Black drives the designated driver’s car home.
The next morning, we awaken to the sounds of activity downstairs. It seems that M. Cavalier and his son and daughter have shown up with a catered breakfast. Well, I may not be able to cook, but at least there is no mess to clean up. We sit down to eat.
We spend a lovely day with the clients. They tell us that it is not a good idea to start working on our plan on a Sunday, as that might attract some unwanted attention. Late that afternoon, Daniel takes Jeanette to dinner and Benoit asks Karin to go with him for a nice Nice meal.
Claire and Rossi sequester themselves with the maps of the racecourse so they can actually prepare for the race. Black goes with them as crew chief to help with the equipment plans.
Alex decides that he is bored, so he borrows Claire’s rental car and goes to the Hotel Royale to eat.
Jack and I decide to go out for a little pre-wedding celebration. I feel a little bad that he is so close to Monte Carlo and hasn’t been allowed to go (not that he didn’t go, but…). I tell him we can go to Monte Carlo, but no gambling!!!
Karin finds that Benoit is a little too sophisticated and foppish for her taste and can’t wait to go back tot he villa.
Alex sits in the hotel dining room and soon spots a table at which two pretty women are sitting with four men, one of whom seems very familiar to him.
Jack and I take Karin’s rental car and head to the casinos for a night of champagne and no gambling. Jack wants to drool over the tables and I want to test his willpower, so we wander around the rooms. We look into a private room and see the Oriental gentlemen who followed (Nun)Chuck and me in Singapore. We back out of the room, but one of the women saw me.
We try to blend with the crowd in the main room. Jack is whining about how we look conspicuous because we are not gambling. I finally agree to let him gamble a little, but then we notice two Chinese guys appear at the two entrances to the room. They appear to be watching us with interest. Jack, not wishing to leave without making at least one wager, bets me $5 that he can kill two of them before I do. Of course, the best outcome here would be for us to leave without incident, right? Shit, I left my ruby slippers in Paris and you don’t always get what you wish for.
We head towards one of the exits and pass by the two men, one of whom seems a tad jittery. Jack decides to give the man his best Jacques the International Terrorist-you’re-going-to-die-because-I-am-going-to-shoot-at-the-light-fixture-over-your-head look and the man freaks. He pulls out a submachine gun. Well, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t going to take my chances with Big Bertha, so I shoot at the other guy who was right next to me. Jack shoots and kills the man with the gun. Unfortunately, I only hit my target in the hand and he shoots me in the abdomen, ruining one of my favorite shirts. With the fury of a woman who found the perfect shirt only to have some stupid idiot shoot a hole in it, I shoot the bastard and kill him.
Since the two thugs on the other side of the room are clearly going to be displeased at the unfolding events, we turn our attention to them. I shoot and kill my target. (Jack, you owe me five bucks.) Jack finishes off the other gun and we turn and run. Or rather, I run, as Jack has a close encounter with a table of the patio kind. He manages to get up and we run to the car.
Meanwhile, at the Hotel Royale, Alex has sent a round of drinks to the table of the two girls. He has a vague recollection that one of the men is Jean Giscard, whom he met in the ER of a New York hospital last March. One of the girls joins Alex at his table.
Jean Giscard calls Paris, the agent in the city, and asks what she is doing and where I am. Paris, the unsuspecting agent, reveals that I am not in Paris, but have gone south.
Jack and I return to the villa and the team is rather alarmed at my bloody state. Jeanette Cavalier freaks out. We tell her that I fell and Daniel tries to calm her down. Jack takes me upstairs to stitch me up.
Karin and Benoit return. The news is on and footage of a shooting and some mayhem at a Monte Carlo casino is flashing across the screen. Jeanette shrieks and freaks some more. Benoit goes to try and help calm his sister down.
Claire realizes that Alex has not returned, so she phones him. She can hear some chickie talking in the background telling Alex to hang up the phone and pay attention to her. So he does. Claire stares at the phone in bewilderment. She calls again. He hangs up again.
Claire slams the phone down and listens to Benoit’s end of a phone call to his father. He gets off and tells her that his father can help keep the police away if she wants. She tells him to talk to Jack.
Jack gives me a happy pill, cleans my wound and heads back downstairs.
Claire tells him about Benoit’s offer and Jack tells him that we are friendly with the police, but they are rather inquisitive and it would be great if he could keep them away. Benoit calls his dad again.
Jack asks Claire where Alex is and she tells him that Alex keeps hanging up on her. Jack calls and Alex hangs up on him. Jack calls him again and tells him to get back to the villa right away.
Alex tries to make his excuses to his lovely companion, but the guys that she was with come over, grab Alex’s arms and guide him outside to an alley. The older man (and leader of the Hand organization) with them is giving Alex the whole the palm needs all of its fingers in working order in order to function speech, while he unloads Alex’s weapon.
Alex is truly confused by the speech. The man tells him that Alex needs to share everything he knows with them in return for the fact that (Up)Chuck beat the snot out of the Bird in New York to get information from him. Alex doesn’t know what’s going on, but he knows that this is not looking good for him. The man asks Alex where I am, but Alex starts sharing Daniel’s vampire theories and the man gives up. He writes a note, sticks it in Alex’s pocket, shakes Alex’s hand, apologizes and walks away. Jean Giscard tells Alex he is sorry and punches Alex in the face. The men proceed to pummel the shit out of Alex. At one point, they let go of Alex’s arms and Alex, angry that Giscard had one-upped him by apologizing before doing damage to his opponent, delivers several punches to Giscard’s face. That’s the last thing Alex saw before losing consciousness as he was pulverized by the other guys.
A short time later, Alex is awakened by a concerned citizen who tells Alex that he saw two men leaving dragging someone out with them. Alex smiles because he knows that he got some good shots in on Giscard’s face. The man wants to call the police. Alex does not want the police called and tries to stand, but falls down again. He picks up his empty weapon. His would-be rescuer becomes concerned that he is about to be victimized by some sort of friendly sternum rub type fallout and punches Alex again, rendering him unconscious.
When Alex wakes up again, he stumbles to Claire’s car and drives back to the villa.
The appearance of the severely beaten Alex does nothing to calm the hysterical Jeanette.
Alex spits out a tooth and tries to tell the group what happened. His charade playing technique and hand motions are spectacularly bad, leading Claire and Karin to believe that his injuries are the result of a date gone bad. Finally, Claire relinquishes control of her anti-surveillance kit pen and paper and Alex writes down what happened.
Jack calls Paris and asks if she has heard from her friend Giscard. "Ummm…yeah."
Jack asks Paris to fly to Nice and join the team. However, Paris has nobody to take care of the cats, so she packs them into the car and starts driving south. She has a phone conversation with Giscard. She is having trouble making out what he is saying. He claims that he has a toothache. Alex would disagree.
Back at the villa, Alex suddenly remembers the note in his pocket and looks at it. It is a business card similar to the one that Giscard had given to Karin in New York. Karin notices that there is a penned message on the back. It states that this was retribution for (Up)Chuck’s Bird beating in New York. Claire takes the card and files it in her portable Rolodex.
Now Jack gets mad. First, he tells Rossi to drive me back to Paris and puts me in the car. Jack snaps Rossi’s Foster Grant’s in half and hands him the keys. Then he takes Claire and Karin and heads to the Hotel Royale. He makes a phone call to Paris. Being the law-abiding driver that she is, Paris pulls over to talk on her cell phone. She tells him she will never get to the villa if her phone doesn’t stop ringing. He tells her that he is going after the Hand, and Paris asks him to leave Giscard for her. He agrees. She also tells him to get her a hotel reservation, because she refuses to stay with the team.
Jack, Karin and Claire enter the lobby of the Hotel Royale in the wee hours of the morning. They spot two men who are suspiciously alert for the early hour. Karin’s secret police radar is, of course, active and she tells Jack that his original plan to simply pull a gun on the night manager and demand the room number of Giscard is a bad idea. She also notices that the two men have black bags with them that are the appropriate size to hold large automatic weapons.
Jack tells the clerk that he needs a room. There are none available until he forks over $3,000. Suddenly, they have a room. He also tells the woman that his friend Jean Giscard is staying at the hotel and he needs to know the room number. $3,000 will also buy you a room number and, as luck would have it, the room is on the same floor as Jack’s room.
They let the bellboy lead them to their room and, after the man leaves, head to Giscard’s room. Jack, who is unlucky with any door that has not been tranquilized first, is having trouble with the lock, so Karin picks it.
The team enters the room quietly. Jack goes to the bed and covers the occupant’s mouth and sticks his silenced weapon in the guy’s face. Jack demands to know where Giscard’s friends are and the man motions that they are next door. Claire and Karin use towels to block the gap between the door and the threshold and turn on the lights. Jack tells Karin to use duct tape to tie Giscard up. She approaches the bed and stares. She turns her head from one side to the other. Claire asks what is wrong. "I don’t sink zis ist him." What????? Jack takes his hand from the man’s mouth and asks what his name is. "Phillipe Giscard." "Ja, I am pretty sure zis ist not him." Karin, fearing that the man was remembering what they looked like, slaps some duct tape over the man’s eyes, thus creating a new entry for 1001 Uses for Duct Tape, eyebrow epillation.
Jack phones the lobby and tries to explain that he needs Jean Giscard’s room, not Phillipe’s. She tells him that there is only one Giscard at the hotel. He hangs up and calls the ready-to-toss-her-cell-phone-out-the-window Paris. She gives him the only other name for Jean that she knows, Charles Wood. Jack rings the clerk again and finds out that there is no Charles Wood staying here either.
Karin and Claire are pretty certain that now is a really good time to leave, so they head for the window. Jack takes the man’s wallet and tells him not to say anything or Jack will hunt him and his family down. He promises to mail the man’s wallet back.
The trio manages to go through the window and get down from the third story window with no injuries.
Once on the ground, they see what is likely a surveillance van. Somewhere overhead, the sounds of a very stealthy helicopter can be heard. Deciding that discretion is definitely the better part of valor, and offered the best chance of survival/escape in this situation, they wisely decide to evade. Claire goes to get the car and Jack and Karin make their way toward the front entrance. Inside the lobby, they see the secret police types holding their weapons and looking out the front door. It becomes apparent that they have spotted Karin and Jack, who back away. Claire slows slightly as she passes and Karin and Jack jump in. Karin makes it in and looks up in time to see a man on the roof shooting at the car. Jack is still hanging half out of the window as Claire hears a gentle thud on the roof. She yells that the car had been tagged.
She speeds away and looks for a tunnel to ditch the car in. She finds one and the team runs back out of the tunnel. Eventually, they make their way back to the villa.
Jack calls Rossi to see where he is. It becomes apparent to Jack that Rossi is having throttle problems that have less to do with the car than they do with the fact that the ringing of the phone has awakened me and my hands are now wrapped tightly around Rossi’s throat.
Rossi hangs up the phone and tells me that he has to take me to Paris because Jack told him to. Oh reaaaally? Wait until I get my hands on that slimy little cabaret-makeup-wearing, target-missing, car-blowing-up little fuck. Since when does he dictate my movements? Someone shot me and he thinks I am going to go meekly back to Paris and lick my wounds? Besides, what good is a wedding with a bride, but no groom? Where did I put that Jack body parts menu I was preparing?
I tell Rossi that I am definitely a more immediate threat to him, as I am going to shoot his fingers off one at a time, as well as his family jewels, not necessarily in that order.
Rossi wisely turns around and heads back towards the villa.
The next morning, Paris arrives at the villa with the cats. She wants to know what hotel Jack got her a reservation at. Oops. Somehow, between running away from helicopters and men with machine guns, he forgot about that. She orders the efficient one (that’s Claire, in case you didn’t know) to get her a room somewhere.
Soon after, Clusine and le Couer arrive for their daily interrogation session. Paris runs out the back door.
The steam rising from Clusine’s face is visible to all. He is yelling that he has video footage of Jack and me shooting the Chinese guys – and by the way, they were Triad members, at the casino and can do nothing about it. I think he may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Eventually, Clusine storms out with le Couer in tow.
Jack issues a new directive: from now on, during mission downtime, no member of the team is to do anything or interact with anyone. Yeah right. Like that will happen!
Then there is a knock at the door. Claire refuses to answer the door anymore, so Karin opens it. Two official looking men in suits are standing there. They ask for Justin Something-or-Other. Karin tells them there is no one there by that name. Daniel Forthwright, aka Justin Something-or-Other, comes to the door and has an argument with one of the men, who turns out to be an old FBI acquaintance, about who owes whom $25.
The men come in. One of them is none other than Mr. De Marte, the customs agent who called in a SWAT team strike on my apartment when Jack answered the phone and said he was my cousin a long time ago.
They are showing surveillance photos taken from video footage, similar to those that Clusine had, of Jack, Karin and Claire in the Hotel Royale lobby.
Suddenly, Jack hears a car pull into the driveway. He yells, "prepare for incoming attack" and grabs Daphne Noel.
I am so angry I could kill and … hey wait, that’s a good idea. I pull my gun out, slam open the door and yell, "JACK!"
There is a flurry of activity in the room. Jack is hugging the cat to his chest, some FBI agent, identifiable by the target on his head that says, "apply mug here," has pulled a gun and is pointing it at me, De Marte is telling the agent to put his gun down and M. Cavalier is entering the villa.
I tell Jack to put the cat down… Cat!?!?! Questions run through my mind. What the fuck is Daphne Noel doing here? Why is De Marte here? What the hell happened to Alex’s face? Who is this stupid FBI agent and can he drink without becoming verschoonkered?
Since Jack is holding the cat high, I aim slightly lower. He lowers the cat to hold her in front of his best friends.
I spot pictures of various team members on the team. This is too much. I sit down and listen to what De Marte, who is particularly interested in the box of explosives that nobody bothered to put away, has to say. And get this, now it gets confusing! Apparently, all of the photos of the team are coded in such a way to indicate to regular law enforcement that they need to clear things through some unusual channels before acting. Anything about Jack has to be cleared through an agent code named Herring. Ha ha! That’s me! Special Agent Smith asks who Herring is. Although De Marte is staring right at me, I say nothing, and nobody catches on. According to Daniel and the Feds, the code indicates that it is some covert spook organization that is interested in the mission.
Could that be CAG? I must endeavor to find out.
So that’s where we are. Daniel is ranting about how there is no justice, because we are psychopaths and are getting away with our illegal behavior; Alex is bemoaning his inability to make his jaw form proper words; Claire is calling the car rental agency to report that her rental car was stolen; Black uses sleight of hand to steal the Agent Smith’s sunglasses for Rossi; Rossi is crying in puillary relief that he once again has shades; Karin is missing Stefan more than ever after her unsatisfactory dinner with Benoit, whom she is sure will meet an untimely end, as he spent the evening with her; Jack is trying to figure out what went wrong with … well everything; and I am planning to call (Nun)Chuck in to help with the Triad problem.
Somewhere on the road to Paris, a car politely honks at Clusine to tell him that he believes Clusine’s car is overheating, because there is a lot of steam coming from the car. Clusine tightens his grip on the steering wheel. Le Couer closes his eyes and daydreams about the day that Clusine is institutionalized, le Couer takes over and finally catches us red-handed and brings in Jacques the International Terrorist.