So, you might be wondering how this new Killer Controller thing is working out for me. Well, I’ll tell you (in agonizing detail).
I was home, arguing over wedding arrangements with Jack and enjoying life – you know, as much as someone as cynical as I can – when I am told to go to Singapore. Yeah, just the place for someone like me. However, armed with my new stay out of sight and out of trouble job description, I go.
It seems that the team (Paris, Karin, Rossi and (Nun)Chuck) are being sent on some boat to cruise the remote islands of Southeast Asia looking for the base of some pirates that have been way to active for comfort.
Okay, let’s think about this for a moment – (Nun)Chuck will be on a ship in some remote waters well out of the normal shipping lanes. Damn. I can think of no reliable means of controlling the little slanted eyed sloth, short of having him in my sights at all times, so now I have to go along.
I call a location that I know Jack won’t be at and leave a message that I’m going to the South Pacific, won’t be able to call for a few days, and hugs and kisses.
(Nun)Chuck wants to get the homeopathic version of sodium pentathol, so we go shopping. (Nun)Chuck thinks some Orientals are following us. Duh. We are walking down a one-way street in Singapore, of course some Orientals are following us! Anyway, even though they really all do look the same to me, I do notice that we have picked up a tail.
(Nun)Chuck and I head for a lingerie shop. As I enter, my newly acquired Electro-Shock, model IMG00D4U, vibrates gently – I mean the real gently, not the Sheila-of-the-forest battering fleeing ecstasy queens with tree branch gently. It’s Jack. I tell him it’s really not a good time as I am up to my thighs in fishnet stockings in a lingerie store. He is muttering or complaining or something (I’m not really sure what he was saying on account of we were disconnected by my thumb on the release button). I put the phone away. (Nun)Chuck tells me to get something lacy. I tell him that I am not the lacy type. He reminds me that the bra I had on the night I had to disrobe in the back of Antos’s car was racy (but I think he meant lacy). Argh! I swear I will get Jake Jake back for that if it’s the last thing I do…
(Nun)Chuck helps me choose a teddy and I pay for it.
As we are leaving two women come in and (Nun)Chuck seems to know them. Apparently our adversaries are engaging in tag team tail. I hate this game. I’d much rather play Pin the Tail on the Decoy or Red Rover, Dead Rover.
We leave, but are now being followed by a car (although rumor has it that there was at least a driver in the car). We try losing them by cutting down an alley, but they are waiting for us on the other side.
Eventually, the car tags in a bicycle. That’s it. This is not fun anymore. I tell (Nun)Chuck to throw something into the spokes of the bicycle wheel. He does and the unfortunate rider falls to the ground, cracking his head gently (in a Sheila armed with beer bottle kind of way). We hastily retreat and head to the boat.
And I use the term boat lightly…
(Nun)Chuck is looking at all of the boats in the area in a rather confused way. I, unfortunately, have spotted The Adventurer sitting in the water in front of us. It is not so much a boat as a collection of formerly metallic, now completely rusty parts that have been constructed in such a way as to resemble a vessel of the sea. Of course, if this were in the Modern Art section of a museum, it would probably be called Man Contemplating Grapefruit or something. Of course, I don’t know shit about modern art (with the exception that most of it is, in fact, shit). My home modern art collection is limited to the diagnostic pictures of (Up)Chuck’s gastrointestinal tract. Thank heavens I quit my job at the Louvre.
(Nun)Chuck and I approach the boat, only to be met by Luic Devereaux, who is posing as Captain CC, which stands for Claude Christophe. We make our fake introductions outside and board.
Major Annalee is also on board (and probably none to pleased about it).
Paris, or Trish as we like to call her when that is the alias she is using, arrives and finds me in the kitchen. Fortunately, I had the foresight to shop for Martiki makings and other essentials from Sheila’s Guide to Culinary Essentials.
Eventually, Rossi and Karin make their way to the boat. Luke offers me an inflatable … mattress … since I was not expected.
The first day passed peacefully, or rather it would have, were it not for the horrendous high pitched shrieks that emitted from the speakers every time that Luke used the PA (something that he apparently really enjoys doing), the painting incident and the nasty burn on my fingers.
Let me ‘splain. I get up and prepare a wonderful breakfast. The aroma drifts up to the pilothouse causing Luke to call Rossi on the aforementioned and aptly named squawk box. He instructs Rossi to steer the boat and wafts down to the galley like Bugs Bunny floating on a stream of flavorful scents. Rossi, having watched too many stupid movies that show people steering in that constant back and forth motion, starts singing ‘sailing, sailing over the ocean blue’ as he emulates bad television. Luke, having been awakened from his Sheila cooking-induced trance by banging into the wall as the boat sways back and forth, storms back to the pilothouse to provide additional instruction to Rossi on not moving his hands from the ten and two o’clock positions.
After displaying his prowess behind the wheel, Rossi is relegated to chipping away rust from the boat. (Nun)Chuck is tasked with painting the stripped areas. He is not happy about it, but I tell him tough. Luke calls me to the pilothouse and asks who is on the snoopy team. Why is he asking me? I am not in charge of this bunch, only (Nun)Chuck. I ask Luke if anything can be done to fix the PA system, whose shrill decibel level rivals that of my former Electro-Shock cell phone’s ringer. He tells me there are tools below, but he hasn’t had time to fix it. I tell Paris to go find about this snoopy team thing and go get the tools before making my way to the salon to begin work. I notice that (Nun)Chuck has painted the windows. F***! I go find the little shit and tell him to clean the windows and then paint the BOAT.
Paris goes to Luke and finds out that the snoopy team are those who will photograph and document any unusual activity with camera and pen and paper.
I am happily working on the electrical system when Luke makes an announcement. OUCH!!! I now have a really nasty burn on my fingers and my hair resembles an 80’s Mohawk. I go outside and find (Nun)Chuck painting the deck. F***! What is wrong with this guy? He is laughing at my hair and my feet. Now what? I look down and find that I am standing in fresh paint. I take my shoes off and storm up to the pilothouse holding the injured digit up for Luke to see. He apologizes and then notices my shoes. He finds (Nun)Chuck and explains the importance of painting the bare spots before the salt water can damage the boat even more than it already is.
The snoopy team, Rossi and Paris, are called into action. They are taking photos of some speed boats racing off on the horizon. Paris tells Luke to head in the direction from which the boats came. We see a burning ship and take more photos.
Rossi is concerned about the sounds coming from the boat’s engine and goes to the engine room to smooth things out. Luke is actually very appreciative of Rossi’s efforts and then sets him to work on the desalinization equipment so we can shower.
The second day passed peacefully, or rather it would have, had it not been for the whole shark thing.
(Nun)Chuck decides to go fishing, even though he has been told by Luke that he cannot fish alone. Luke sees him and, after noticing that (Nun)Chuck has tethered himself to the railing, kicks him overboard. A sputtering (Nun)Chuck pulls himself back on board. Luke repeats his order not to fish alone and (Nun)Chuck mutters curses in Koretnamese.
The snoopy team has been called into action again.
I am once again happily working on the electrical wires, now that Paris has asked Luke to alert us to imminent announcements by ringing the large bell in the pilothouse. I have Karin keeping an eye on (Nun)Chuck. She tells me he is still fishing just as I notice him fly overboard. Not any more! Karin runs out to grab the rope. I run to help and get a nasty rope burn on my already injured fingers causing me to let go of the rope. Paris runs down to help Karin. The bolts holding the boat’s railing on start popping out. What the fuck did he catch?
Out in the water, (Nun)Chuck is looking eye to eye with a Maco shark. Fortunately he still has his swords with him, you know – never fish without ‘em, and he makes a shark-ke-bob.
Karin and Paris pull (Nun)Chuck out. We are stunned to see a large maco shark with a sword through one eye and out the other heading right towards us. We all duck and it misses us. Annalee arrives in time to see the shark and a ton of blood on the deck. She orders (Nun)Chuck to break the fishing pole in half. He won’t do it, but Luke has just come out and he karate chops the pole in half.
After ensuring that no one is injured, he tells (Nun)Chuck to clean the deck.
(Nun)Chuck cleans the deck before setting to work at gutting the shark. As he looks at the new mess of blood and guts on the deck, he sees the error in his clean first gut second plan.
I make shark steaks for dinner.
After dinner, I have a heartless to heartless talk with (Nun)Chuck. I mention that he interrupted the snoopy team’s activities and endangered everyone with his little antics. He is less than agreeable and I resort to threats.
The third day passed peacefully. No really, it did. I make shark omelets in the morning and later in the day, Luke instructs us as to where all of the weapons are and we formulate a ‘repel boarders’ plan.
The fourth day passed peacefully, or rather it would have, had it not been for the whole pirates boarding the boat thing.
We are awakened from our post-peaceful day haze by the sound of bullets hitting the boat. Paris tells Luke to let the pirates board so we can gather information about them. They check the boat for anything they want as Paris tells them the story about the team being National Geographic reporters doing a story on the small islands in the region.
Since we don’t appear threatening, they are not menacing towards us. Rossi is busy telling them to look tough and pose for the camera, which they are more then eager to do. Of course, the leader then decides to take the digital camera. We are more than happy to watch them leave.
After the pirates are gone, Paris notices a funny smell coming from the lower parts of the boat. She and Rossi make their way to the engine room and realize that several of the pirates’ bullets have hit the engine. Rossi explains the problem to Luke who manages to radio someone and find out that there is a machine shop on a nearby island.
He sets a course for that island. This course takes us directly into the path of a powerful rainstorm. Since it has been abominably hot, Paris, Karin and I take the opportunity to cool off.
We finally make it to the island and send (Nun)Chuck and Rossi ashore to locate the machine shop.
They return looking like they just met the Children of the Corn or something. They are going on about horrible living conditions and extreme poverty. (Nun)Chuck comes into the kitchen and asks if I can cook for an army. How f****** hungry is he? He tells me it’s for all of the people on shore. I look out, but don’t see anyone. I ignore him.
He runs down to the freezer, takes all of the shark meat, loads it on the dinghy and takes it to the island where he leaves it on the shore.
Luke calls me up to the pilothouse. He wants to know why (Nun)Chuck went ashore again. I mention the whole army and starving people thing. Luke says there were a lot of people watching (Nun)Chuck. I look out with the binoculars but don’t see anyone. It must be Jungle Fever.
We decide to send Rossi and (Nun)Chuck back for the parts that the guy at the machine shop is supposed to be making for them. Karin, Paris and Luke will wait at the edge of the jungle as backup, if needed.
Rossi and (Nun)Chuck go to the machine shop and find the proprietor there with an old man and two women, one white and one Asian.
He tells (Nun)Chuck that the women are for him. (Nun)Chuck and Rossi are horrified that these women are in fact being offered for sale. As (Nun)Chuck converses with the old man in Vietnamese, Rossi looks around. He catches sight of a white man in a back room before the door closes.
(Nun)Chuck buys the women from the old man.
Luke, Karin and Paris are being assaulted by begging women and children in the jungle. They regretfully indicate that they have no food for the people.
The team returns to the boat with the two women in tow.
The Asian girl wants to know how the little people got into the television. Blondie wants a fix. Great. It’s Elaine McConnell all over again and I am fresh out of tree branches.
Rossi wants to kill the old man when he realizes that the Asian girl was the man’s daughter.
Using the little knowledge that we are able to get from fix girl, we send (Nun)Chuck and Paris to the island that night to question Jerry, the white man in the back of the machine shop.
(Nun)Chuck administers a paralyzing blow to Jerry to wake him up. The startled man does a double twisting flip out of the hammock and lands on the floor. Karin, had she been there acting as the East German judge would have deducted many points for the face first fall to the floor, although the French judge, having been ‘influenced’ by the Russians would have awarded him a first place finish.
Jerry is falling all over the room as he attempts to pull his legs to make them work, but Paris manages to find out that he is a Vietnam vet who grows marijuana and makes moonshine. He also tells her that he makes machine parts for a group of men who come from an island somewhere over the horizon. Armed with the probable location of the pirate base, Paris and (Nun)Chuck return to the boat.
Annalee spends some time consulting her charts and plots a course for the pirate base. When Luke goes to relieve her, they make a call on their secure box to give the coordinates to their superiors.
The fifth day passed peacefully, or rather it would have, were it not for the second pirate boarding, the whole storming the island thing and the attack on our boat by more pirates.
We spend the day off the shore of the pirate base when we are again approached by the same team of pirates who boarded us the first time. I have (Nun)Chuck take the girls he bought below so they won’t be seen. Paris waves, greets the pirates and allows the pirates to take (Nun)Chuck’s shark jaw, a mandible whose ability to gape wide open is matched only by that of (Nun)Chuck as he watches his hard-earned shark jaw leave.
After dark, Luke hands me scuba gear. It seems that only Paris, Luke and I know how to dive. Yep, this team is prepared, as always. Shit. I didn’t come here to storm the island! I am supposed to keep (Nun)Chuck from terminating any unauthorized targets and make Martikis. I have a bad feeling about this.
Paris, Luke and I make our way to the island. Despite our efforts to tiptoe through the tropics, we are spotted. The bad guys shoot and hit me in the leg and chest. Why do I always get shot? I knew this was a bad idea. Fortunately, the three of us are able to shoot and kill the three targets.
We move on. We spot two almost complete PT-109s in the water. After checking out the base’s lack of air defense, we feel our assessment is complete and head back to the water. Luke makes a call to Annalee to relay our information and, unbeknownst to the rest of us, she calls and gives the go to an air strike on the island.
We meet another three bad guys on the way to the water. They shoot and I get hit in the arm. Fuck! Why me? Three of us and three hits. Why did I take all three? Now I’m pissed. We kill another seven or eight bad guys and finally make it to the water. Luke helps me, as the whole in my chest is causing me to have a less than pleasant scuba experience.
Back on the ship, the team notices that there is gunfire on the island. Then they notice the three speedboats racing their way. (Nun)Chuck takes his rocket launcher and blows up the center boat. He starts yelling "Happy New Year" in Koretnamese. Karin, Annalee and Rossi take aim with rocket launchers at the remaining boats. Did I say boats? No, they all shot at the same one, which leaves one unharmed boat heading straight towards them. The pirates shoot, hitting Rossi. All attempts by the team to hit the boat with the rocket launchers fail and Annalee throws a grenade in and, while it causes damage, it fails to blow up the boat, which is still heading right for them. (Nun)Chuck throws a knife into the eye of machine gun man, killing him. Rossi and Karin begin firing pistols at the boat, which is dangerously close now. Karin’s shot finally blows the little boat up.
We make it back to the ship and are heartbroken at missing their action – NOT! (Nun)Chuck offers to give me first aid, but only manages to give me yet another wound. I pull a gun and threaten to shoot him if he gets near me again. Rossi then helps me, although it hurt quite a bit, while Paris patches him up.
Since the boat has taken more damage from the pirates’ bullets, we head back to Jerry’s place for repairs. Jerry is relieved to see that Paris does exist and he hadn’t had some drug induced nightmare the night before. Rossi is still really pissed and is going to shoot Jerry until he realizes that Karin will shoot him first if he tries. One good thing about Germans – they do exactly what you tell them to, provided they understand the instructions. I told Karin not to let Rossi kill anyone.
A disappointed Rossi hands Karin his gun and has a discussion in Japanese with (Nun)Chuck. They have agreed on a get Jerry plan. (Nun)Chuck goes out and sets light to Jerry’s pot field. Jerry, upon realizing that his crop has gone up in smoke - literally, has a heart attack and dies. Paris has been busy repairing the desalinization unit for the island and comes back in asking ‘who killed Kenny, I mean Jerry?’ Karin tells her he died of a broken heart and, since Paris understands broken, she nods knowingly.
Luke has received word that we have three hours to clear the area so he calls the team back to the boat. Annalee brings the girls to the launch and makes (Nun)Chuck take them back to the island.
As we head over the horizon, we see Indonesian military planes headed toward the island.
So here we are, headed back from a less than pleasant, albeit successful, mission. I may have three bullet wounds, but I also have a new teddy, an invite to hang at Paris’s Hawaiian condo for a few days and a still functioning cell phone. I guess things aren’t that bad.