Testimony of Dahlia

There are many people in this world who do not consider the realms of possibility that the world is confronted with, with so much mind blowing diversity, they do not question because the do not expect an answer, I was one of them. That is not to say that I did not question the environment, the culture and religion that I was born into. Indeed, I have always been opinionated and I'm sure my Pakistani, Muslim family will testify to this, because I have never been one to blindly accept any wind of doctrine or advice without first considering it's credibility.

It all started when I was 14 years of age. I had a very sheltered childhood, I had plenty of friends and relatives but I rarely saw friends outside of school and relatives other than in the holidays, primarily because they lived so far away. I received both love and materials comforts at all stages in my life but at the age of 14 something changed. I used to thing life was a bed of roses and people were my sunshine but pretty soon I was forced to take off the rose tinted glasses and realise that naivety is what kills the honest and pure of heart. What in my innocence I thought were smiles of alliance and sentiments of peace were in fact full of guile and deceit. That really hurt me because it hurt all the people I loved and pretty soon it became painfully evident that their hearts were callous because they were fuelled with pride and bitterness and that had a life of it's own, and it was gnawing away at conscience and their souls. "Why are they self-righteous?" I would often implore "Do they think that God looks to their five times a day prayers and not their hearts?" The hypocrisy just made my blood boil.

What started off as a defiant act to open their eyes and show them that their wounds were self inflicted, my agenda went off on a religious tangent because that was the best way to show them that they were walking in darkness and not in light; they were not righteous so why have the audacity to exalt yourself to obscurity when you have the righteousness of a mitochondria! I began praying to God, ever so sincerely, that He would put an end to all the bitching and backstabbing. Everything that was on my heart I gave it up to Him but I had no peace because all I could see around me was death and self-destruction. I became aware of my own weaknesses and all my own faults in response to what I was seeing. I was filled with so much anger and hatred for these people that my mind was numb and my heart was weak. I suffered from insomnia and all I could do was pray to my God, where ever He was, while I waited for morning.

After six years of grieving and several years of insomnia I was physically and mentally exhausted. These people will never change I thought on numerous occasions and I don't think I can live in their shadow. Their emotions fuelled them but they drained me of energy and the will to live. Despite all this I didn't stop praying to God because I was subtly aware of a force around me but I just couldn't identify or even pinpoint it, but it was there, that's all that mattered but sometimes I wondered whether it was my imagination. At the age of 18 I went through more pain and more heartache and then a nervous breakdown. That isn't because the love of God, where ever He was ever left me, but simply because I was entitled to one.

At the age of 19 I went off to university to study Law, all that thinking had primed me on a philosophical level. The art of burying yourself in books is the ideal way to keep your sanity and this was an ideal profession to burn my fire. In January 2001 I had an argument with the president of the Islamic Society and his sidekick about culture and religion. For hours they tried to inspire me but I was so scarred by the culture, the people and the sheer hypocrisy of it all that I told Him in anger that Allah does not exist because if he did he would have answered me in those six damned years and if he couldn't be there for me when I prayed to him with such sincerity and truth, then as far as I'm concerned he is not God because the very notion of God would imply that he has a heart!

A few weeks later, my friend Sara was putting posters up on a Sunday, when it was cold, dark and wet, to advertise a Christian worship evening. I looked at her in disbelief when I read the posters and realised that the first ever worship session was in just two hours. "Look, it's a Sunday, it's cold, dark and wet. No-one is going to see these posters, poor David is going to be preaching to himself!" I declared bluntly (I told you I was opinionated). Anyway, after going around the campus putting up posters in the pouring rain I felt a twinge of pity. The girl was so sweet and so in love with God that it never occurred to her that we both looked rather absurd, especially her. Out of pity, I reluctantly told her that I would come to the service as it was that first one and the chances were that no-one would turn up except her and maybe Richard.

We gathered into the round room and waited for the preaching, singing and praying to start. Almost instantaneously I felt the silence, it was peaceful. There was no need for words or even thoughts, I just sat in awe, basking in tranquillity. Shortly, the sermon started and I listened politely. Somewhere in the middle I thought "What! Jesus is God! Wasn't he just a mere mortal? Are these people sane?" but I continued listening politely. All of a sudden, I was filled with emotion, awe is the only word I can use to describe it. I felt that something within me was nurturing and healing. I did not speak under the soft glow of the lights, I just absorbed the power of God, it felt divine. I vaguely remember putting my hand up for prayer, to receive Jesus into my life, but I also knew it wasn't really me, it was the spirit within me that moved my hand, opened my heart and opened my lips to confess that "Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was my Lord and Saviour". As hands were laid on me I felt the Holy Spirit renewing my soul, it was a tingling, burning sensation that moved slowly over my body to the top of my face. I felt that if I opened my eyes I would see smoke or steam resonating from my skin like fog on a winter day. All this passed like a dream, I felt I was there but I wasn't there, like my body was detached from my soul. After the service I said goodbye to Sara and Richard and went to my flat and cried. I slept like a baby for maybe 12 hours. You may not think that's excessive but after suffering from insomnia for several years, anything above four solid hours is abnormal. I went in to university the next day, Richard, who attended the service, asked me how I felt. I told him I felt good and that for the first time in years I slept like a baby. He smiled and said that after I said goodbye Sara and He prayed that I would sleep peacefully. Since that day, February 25 2001, I lost my insomnia.

But it didn't end there. They say "the mind is the primary battlefield", how true. I thought about my Muslim family, relatives and community and realised that I was walking on thin ice. I knew deep in my heart what I experienced was real but the consequences were drastic, I was considering the cost and I didn't like what the "bank statement" read. I've always hated lies, even white lies, and having such a personality makes it impossible to lie to yourself. Faith they say is blind, but it is not ignorant so I submerged myself in books and the internet. For four months I studied the origins of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. I compared and contrasted Biblical and Quranic scriptures. I read academic arguments and discussions between Islamic and Christian scholars to prove to myself that the Quran and not the Bible was the Word of God, anything to convince myself that what I felt was just a figment of my imagination and I truly wanted this to be the case so that I wouldn't have to go through the ordeal of telling my family that I had become a Christian. I tried ever so hard not to be a Christian but the more I researched and the more I studied my faith in Christianity became stronger and stronger and the more the truth dawned on me that Islam was a false religion, Muhammed is not a prophet and Allah is not God. Nevertheless, I held on to a vain hope that maybe I could find some loophole in the Quran, just something to hang on to but in my heart I knew that I was lying to myself and I hated that because I loved God so much.

One evening at about 10.00pm, my friends Mervan and Kadir decided to go to a certain place where we could meet Ameer in the evening. Ameer had not arrived so Mervan, Kadir and I decided to walk down the deserted street to kill time while he arrived. All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was overwhelmed with a feeling of dread, not fear but dread, as if I was surrounded by evil. I couldn't explain it, nothing like this had ever happened before so I kept quiet because I didn't want to sound paranoid when there was no apparent reason to be. This feeling just got stronger and I sensed that something was brewing in the air, my muscles became tense and jittery and it felt like the blood in my veins was repelling something, the something was an evil spirit. Whatever notion I thought of what evil was did not prepare me for this reality that knocked me senseless. A few minutes later Mervan said for some reason he had a really bad feeling. I stopped in my tracks and looked at him, as far as I knew he wasn't a Christian, yet he was sensing what I was sensing but probably not to the same degree. I knew what it was but he didn't because to him it was just a feeling.

We waited for Ameer to arrive, and then went to a restaurant, later Kadir left with Ameer and Mervan and I went in his car. My senses were on red alert the whole time, the feeling had subdued slightly over the conversation but it remained, now back on the street the feeling came flooding back. Mervan and I agreed that we should get out of the place as soon as possible, he quickly put the car in gear and we sighed with relief that we were getting out of the place. We could see two roundabouts approaching I didn't pay much attention to Mervan's driving as my thoughts remained on what I had sensed, what I was sensing. I soon realised that we were going around in circles, around the same two roundabouts. I said to Mervan "What are you doing?" He looked at me, he was absolutely terrified. He said that something weird was happening, the roundabouts, the signs, were not making sense. "What do you mean they're not making sense?," I said "Stop messing around, it's not funny". Sure enough I looked at the signs, he was right, they did not make any sense, it was as if we were in the twilight zone. Nothing made sense, we were in a perilous state of confusion. We went around the same two roundabout for what was about the sixth time and nothing made sense and both of us were completely freaked out, there were no cars on the road, the place was deserted and nothing made sense. My head was beginning to spin and the state of his nerves were having an effect on his driving. I commanded him to take the first left because I couldn't stand being in that place with this overwhelming feeling of dread. I thought to myself at least we're on a road that's leaving this place but more confusion awaited us.

You'll have to agree with me that car headlights are quite powerful…so why was it that beyond three meters everything was pitch black? We couldn't see the road, we didn't know whether it was winding or straight, we couldn't even see the trees. The scene before us was just black, no grey areas or shadows, just black. Mervan was terrified that he was going to crash into something because he couldn't see anything at all beyond three meters and I was terrified that I was going to faint and God knows where I would find myself when I opened my eyes. It is at that point, at midnight, around 12.30am that I started praying, I don't know why I didn't do that earlier, I guess all I could think about was fear and my brain was paralysed from thinking rationally. About 10 long minutes later we finally saw a sign that made sense, the confusion was gone, the blackness had gone but the fear remained. Neither of us wanted to go home, neither of us wanted to be alone, we just wanted to be in a public place where we could feel safe. We went to Tesco's as it was the only place that was open 24 hours. We roamed the aisles till we felt safe again and then we went home.

The next day I woke up and went to church. I wasn't sure whether I should tell anyone about the experience but I didn't need to. My friend Sara came up to me and asked me if I was alright and what had happened yesterday. I was stunned because I had not told anyone and Mervan couldn't have had the opportunity to tell her. I asked her how did she know that something had happened yesterday. She said she had had a nightmare and that she had sent a text message to Anthony, asking him to pray for me, Mervan and Kadir because she believe we were in danger. I asked Anthony whether Sara had sent a text message to pray for me, Mervan and Kadir. He showed me the message which was saved in his phone to prove that Sara had sent it. Here's the crunch. The text message had been sent between 12.30am and 1.00am, between the time when I had started praying…What's more how did she know that Mervan, Kadir and I had gone to this place together?

On June 1st 2001 I got baptised and since then I've experience one miracle after another. Praise the Lord!

As for my family, naturally they haven't as yet accepted me as a christian but I'm sure given time in witnessing and prayer they too may turn to Christ. I will have to go through persecution for some time as at the present moment in time only my immediate family i.e. my mother, father and brothers and friends. My relatives as yet do not know although it has been two years since I converted. I intend to face that battle this summer so please pray for me.

At first I faced alot of confrontation from some members of the Islamic Society on Campus and also my muslim friends. But now, I believe they are more curious as to why I become more zealous for Christ if Christianity is not the truth. I think they see alot of sincerity and what's more they realise that my faith is not based on ignorance and mere rites and rituals. I am familiar with quranic scriptures and doctrines as well as Bible verses so they know that I didn't make the decision in foolishness even if they do think I was "brainwashed".

Anyway, everyday is a blessing because I am able to share some of the gospel with all sorts of people from different countries. Speaking the Pakistani and Indian mothertongue also helps me permeate the social barriers.