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SATURDAY NIGHT
More self important articles and other pointless tripe.
This week: A pictoral history of hockey arenas throughout the praries.

NY BUSINESS
An in depth interview about with KenJu President & CEO Walter Krawec. No need for hardball questions, they own us silly!

FROM THE FORUMS

"Suicide bomb this, suicide bomb that... Let's be honest here people how are we honestly going to negotiate peace when people haven't started to unlearn 1000 years of hatred?" "
From the WORLD AFFAIRS forum.
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IN THE PRINTED Yost

Ever wondered how the Toronto newspaper war went from paper page to street warfare? We show the strategy of the first 3 days of the Bay St. War. in Local Warfare section of the printed National Yost.

A LOOK AHEAD

Next Friday we have apull out section on showing how to turn four common household items into a 3 megaton nuclear warhead.

Please note that the National Yost Online Edition is merely an outline of today's print version.

Manning pies Alliance leader in PEI

OTTAWA - Preston Manning, the former Reform party leader and founder of the Canadian Alliance, has ended months of silence on partisan politics by taking a route normally reserved for leftists, pieing a leader in the face. Mr. Manning said later at a press conference, "Stock deserved it, he's been acting like a clown for months now and I figured I'd help him get in the act."

» Politics

BREAKING NEWS

Updated: 6:15 pm ET

NATIONAL NEWS
:: Nurses' union to BC Government: GIMME GIMME GIMME
:: BC Government to nurses: Blow Us.
:: CFL announces expansion to 10 teams.

WORLD NEWS
:: Blair to Charles: Nice Ears Dumbo
:: China preapres for 2008 Olympics with exectuaion of further 10,000 dissidents
:: Chretien responds to US annex threat, no one understands what was said.

BUSINESS NEWS
:: KenJu Corp to trade on DJI
:: Oil prices soar, SUV owners protest
:: Nasdaq up 5% today, down 73% from year high.

SPORTS NEWS
:: CFL announces expansion into Quebec City for 2004
:: Kerwin Bell to have feet amputated tomorrow, returns to play Saturday
:: Ottawa Lynx announce move to Montreal, Expos to reciprocate.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
:: Elton John announces return to large sunglasses.
:: Rush Hour 2: It may be funny, but we've seen it all before
:: Rotten Tomatoes continues to amaze.

Stem Cells Discovered in Non-Embryonic Tissue

WATERLOO - Scientists at the University of Waterloo announced today before an amazed press corps that they had once again performed tests using non-embryonic stem cells. 'This revelation turns our reporting on its head,' an unnamed CBC reporter said, 'now we have no excuse not to report all the facts'

» NEWS

TODAY'S TOP COLUMNIST

CRTC: Serving No Purpose for 15 Years

After the CRTC announced today that it would now attempt to regulate ISPs and force them to dedicate 75% of all bandwidth to Canadian web providers, I began to reflect. The CRTC has had an immense impact on Canadian content on domestic radio and television. All of the CRTC's actions though helped stimulate dead economic endeavors atthe time. The internet is truly a polymorphic being though. At first it was a data sharing device for military intellgence. It later became a tool for universities to communicate with their students and staff. People then attempted to make the internet into an economic juggernaut. All of this occured though with Canadians being first and foremost in the discovery and development...

:: TODAY'S COLUMNISTS

KenJu Announces Hostiel Takeover

KenJu CFO Ken Yost announced today that the corpration was to begin a hostile takeover of the Canadian Federal Government. "With this acquisition all parties will benefit. Canadians willno longer be distracted by petty politics and KenJu will get true leverage in negotiations with distributors worldwide." Mr. Yost said before a stunned parliamentary press gallery. Former Prime Minster and CEO of KenJu, Walter Krawec was announced to be the future "Governor General" and Mr Yost would be "Prime Minister".

» FINANCIAL YOST

Portage & Main

Part 23 of the continuing in depth essay series on the benefits of life in Winnipeg is featured today in

» ARTS & LIFE

'Toxedoes' Recalled By Manufacturer

NEW YORK - Gucci announced today a massive recall of their tuxedoes with a manufacturer code of HZ-10-A8. Apparently the manufacturer had accidentally left the tuxedoes in a nuclear core. Seven people have become sick from radiation poisoning Gucci CEO Fenderik Mussolini announced...

» SPORTS

Lesbians Descend On Toronto

TORONTO - Although pride week is a distant memory, lesbians from around the world came to Toronto yesterday to compete in the Roger's AT&T Cup. WTA representetive Kathy D. Langford reiterated that striaght women are allowed to play pro tennis, they just normally don't.

» SPORT

Quebec To Introduce 'Beer 101'

QUEBEC CITY - Before a wall of Quebec beer bottles yesterday, Quebec's premier announced that all beer bottles must comply to "Quebec's cultural standards" When pressed he explained all beer must brewed in Quebec, have 75% of their label space in frnech and must contain a minimum of 7% alochol by volume.

Stock Announces Important Policy Decision

In P.E.I. today, Stockwell Day made his most important statement of the past months when he said he though Anne of Green Gables was a "nice girl". He later expounded on his remarks stating he believes people with red hair 'look gooder' than other women. Folks, we can't make thsi stuff up.

Simpsons To Flop On Brodaway

SPRINGFIELD - The Simpson family announced today that it too plans to flop on broadway after having seen The Lion King and Seussical, The Musical flop in past months. Head of family Homer stated "Hey I'm a big buffoon, I too should be allowed the oppotunity to fall flat on my face. Daughter Lisa is expected not to join the family.

NHL announces loss of $5.6 billion

When all team losses were taken into account for this year's NHL franchises, losses came to a staggering 5.6 billion dollars. When contacted NHL head office stated that they were slated to be profitable by 2078, shortly after Amazon.com is expected to turn a profit.

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The Jackson 5 have tortured us for 25 years. Why Michael, why?

A PIE OF PROTEST
Preston Manning flung what is expected to be the most hard hitting pie of all time yesterday. In today's op-ed piece Preston himself explains how he feels about Stock's continued buffoonery. He also takes time to rip a piece off of his life long rival Joe Clark.

IMMIGRANTS ARE USEFUL
In today's What I learned During My (taxpayer funded) Summer Vacation, Wild Rose MP Myron Thompson has come to realize that maybe we shouldn't stop immigration entirely. Mr. Thompson reveals that after a summer where no one came forward to work for his ranch cleaning his boots of manure he has decided he needs an immigrant to work on his farm.

OTHER NYO EXCLUSIVES:
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EXCLUSIVE FEATURES

SUMMER SCHOOLS
Columnist Ernie Ostermann gives insight on teaching chemistry to a bunch of 'donkeys'

BEER@HOME
Enter to win a year's supply of beer courtesy of Molson and NYO.

» ARCHIVED FEATURES