New Year's Rant

As I write this, it's New Year's Day here in Pusan, South Korea.

It's been the quietest New Year's that I can remember. No countdowns to midnight, no ungainly lightbulb-encrusted ball descending in Times Square, no raucous yelling or screaming or horn-tooting or pan-banging or gun-shooting to ring in the new year.

No Dick Clark, either, so I'm actually pretty happy.

I've been thinking a lot about the two countries I've lived in (just that phrase, "...the two countries I've lived in..." is pretty darned thought-provoking), and comparisons are inevitable. I will be in Korea for only 3 more months and there's a lot about this country that I've come to admire and love, and that I will miss terribly.

Of course, there's also a lot that I can't stand, and that I'll not miss one whit.

Shall we?

Department stores are full of employees, just bursting at the seams with 'em. They stand at attention everywhere, waiting for that golden opportunity when you pause for a nanosecond glance at an item, and someone is right there at your elbow.

How often have you been at Sears or Wards, searching high and low for a cashier or a sales associate?

If you get to the store right when it opens, all the employees line up and bow to you as you come through the door. Just think of that for a second: a hundred or more uniformed employees, all humbly bowing and thanking you for choosing their store.

Can you imagine that happening at Macy's?

When was the last time you were able to rent a video with nothing but your name and phone number, not even an I.D?

When was the last time a restaurant gave you your money back if you didn't like or finish the last one?

When was the last time a gas station employee gave you a handful of candy, or the fruit seller gave you a couple of extra apples, simply because you always say "hi" to them on the way home?

Businesses in America could learn a whole lot about customer service from Korea.

On the other hand, when was the last time you saw someone sober peeing on the sidewalk?

Obviously, health standards are a wee bit different over here.

The aforementioned peeing on the street is acceptable here in Korea. Putting a finger in your mouth is not.

To Koreans, blowing your nose into a handkerchief is disgusting. Blowing "snot rockets" onto the ground is not.

Chickens and eggs (insert philosophical joke here) are sold in open-air markets all day long without refrigeration. That's fine in December when it's about 30 degrees outside, but in August, at 94 degrees, well...that's a meal I'll skip, kamsahamnida.

But the apples I bought on Cheju Island were, by far, the sweetest I've ever had in my life. And the persimmons here are so incredibly ripe, they're nearly translucent. Deeee-lish!

Interpersonal relationships are conducted on an entirely separate plain of reality (i.e., they's diffint!) here, too.

Friends tend to slap the shit out of each other. Two friends are talking, one might scoff at what the other is saying, screech the equivalent of "Get outta here!" in the whiniest of voices, and then smack or shove or punch the other friend reeeeeally hard.

I'm sure it's a lot more fun than it looks.

Best friends also routinely walk around holding hands, or with their arms around each other, occasionally caressing each other's hair or back or, if sitting, placing a casual hand on the other person's thigh.

Yes, that's men with men and women with women. In the Korean mindset there's a big difference between holding your lover's hand and holding your best friend's hand. Sometimes, this will result in the very surreal sight of two policeman or two soldiers locked in an embrace; at that point, I feel like I just stepped into some rice queen's wet dream.

I find this mindset quite refreshing, actually. Just think of how much nicer the world would be if Jesse Helms and Robert Dornan were confident enough of their manhoods to go ahead and hold hands as they walk the capitol steps together.

Assuming, of course, that they don't already.