Genties and Ladlemen, your attention please.

The speed with which this year has, uh, sped by is astonishing, non? Why, it seemed like only yesterday that we were sweltering in the summer sun, and only last week that we were hanging over on New Yearās.

Maybe itās the drugs.

Speaking of same, I must have been on them a year ago, because I forgot to tell you that in the Spring of said year I watched my beautiful cousin Jill get married in the quickest ceremony known to man. I caught hell for this omission by the way, so I just want to reiterate: my beautiful cousin, Jill, got married in a fabulous (albeit quick) ceremony, and a wonderful time was had by all. Jill. Beautiful. Married. Wonderful.

Oh, yeah--her guy, Paul, was also in attendance.

There. That ought to hold Īem.

Back in February (I think it was) our 6th grade class went on a camping trip to Point Reyes. 4 glorious fun-filled days with 90 hormonally-driven 12-year-olds.

Add it all together and you get 112. Humph. Whatever.

It was fun, and it couldnāt have been too debilitating, because weāre doing it again next spring. Oh joy. Oh rapture.

There was also one small trip to snowy, windy Chicago to attend a Halloween convention (which was fun if a bit exhausting, trying to cram it into a 3-day itinerary) in order to look at and purchase some new props and effects for the haunted house I always seem to be dragging my ass to. I went to my first Hooterās in Chicago. No, no, it was just like it sounds, but with better food.

School ended with little fanfare in June and, to celebrate, I started teaching again 2 weeks later. Yep, your olā pal Uncle Mike was a Summer School Teacher. 34 4th and 5th graders in a room with no air-conditioning. No, no, it was just like it sounds, but with better hours.

When summer school ended, I packed up my car and drove down to visit my parents for some well-deserved rest and relaxation.

They say that the surest way to make the gods chuckle is to start making plans.

In other words: when you least expect it--expect it.

After driving in my little Geo for 8 hours, I walked through the door of my parents house, brandishing suitcases. The first words out of my sisterās mouth were, ćGrandmaās passed away.ä

I put the suitcases down.

Even now, Iām crying as I think of what this woman meant to me. She was tough and opinionated and could be an ornery pain in the ass sometimes.

But she took care of me whenever my (single and working) mom couldnāt be there. I was the first grandchild and with her every action, every word, she tried to show me how much she loved me. She spoiled me rotten and spanked my fanny, she watched me perform at Rocky Horror and visited my haunted house.

She was married to a great man for over fifty years. She raised four children and eight grandchildren and one great grandchild. Most of us turned out okay. Probably close to the national average, anyway.

I love her. I hope sheās happy and at peace now. She needed it.

So how did I commemorate her passing? I went to Knottās Berry Farm one day and to Disneyland three days in a row.

Aw, come on, she would have wanted me to. Would have made her very happy.

So, September rolled around, the wind grew colder (well...except for that tremendous heat wave we had this fall), and school started again. Ahh, school days, school days, dear old golden rule days.

Whatever. My second year teaching 6th grade at Graham School in Newark has been great. My class has been wonderful, Iāve gotten lots of support from the other teachers, my principal likes what Iām doing. Man, itās good to be the king.

In October, I (nearly single-handedly) built a haunted house fundraiser for the 6th grade, and it was a smashing success! We raised over $400.00 in less than 2 hours. We will definitely do this again, but I hope I have some help next year. It was effing exhausting.

Thanksgiving found me driving up to Paradise and having a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, grandpa, aunts and uncle, and one cousin. And one incredibly obnoxious dog. Yeah, I made stuffed mushrooms. Wadda ya gonna do about it?

Christmastime will find me in Lost Wages with the family, and then down in SoCal for the holiday proper. New Yearās Eve will find me huddled in a corner, too afraid to move.

Yeah, right.

Time to go, my little sweetmeats. Take care of yourselves, change your underwear daily, and always brush your teeth in a circular motion--not just up and down.