Hi this is John's vacuum cleaner. His appliances have switched jobs again and I get to answer the phone cuz my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep and you can be sure it's in the bag.

(to the tune of Camptown Ladies) We are not at home right now. Doda doda.Leave a message if you may. O a doda day. We might call you back or we may forget that. So leave a message at the BEEP o a doda day.

*The song Dirrty in the background* I'm having sex right now, so please call back after an hour or so. I'm sure I'll be done getting dirty by then.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective agency. We know who you are, and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

in the tune of barneys "i love you" sing " i know you, you know me, we're not home like you can see, so leave a message after the beep, if you don't you are a geek."

Hi, I'm not home right now....well, actually I am home NOW, because I'm recording this message. But to you it's not now, it's later. So I'm not home later, which is now to you. So leave a message and I'll call back when it's later to both of us.

Greetings. I am either not at home or un-willing to talk to you. In which there could be several reasons: you're annoying, you're clingy, you smell, sorry buy you're not my type, you cheated on me, you see dead people, you have strange genital diseases, or you like Micheal Jackson. Leave a message. I may or may not call you back. Bye Bye.

I'm watching porn right now. I'll talk to you later.

Hiiiiiiiii. If you've got the wrong number, don't bother leaving a message. If this is my ex, please burn in hell. If you're worth my time, please leave a message.

(to the tune if Hi Ho Hi ho its off to work we go) Hi Ho Hi Ho you called to say hello
We are not home so leave a message at the tone

After the beep please leave your name, number and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dillemma... and, we'll get back to you

Hi! were not home right now so if you would like to rob us, right now would be a good time! (interesting to note they were robbed a week after putting it on the machine)

Weee Will Weee Will.....Call you back!

(kid) Hi! Mom and Dad are all tied up right now. I barely had enough rope for the both of them! I'll tell them to call you as soon as they get loose!

Hey, Haven't talked to you in a while (pause for person calling to respond) Oh really? (person calling continues to talk) Well it'll be even longer for me to get back to you because I'm not home right now.

Hi, all of our alarm clocks are currently broken, so we're using our answering machine instead. At the beep, please yell "Wake Up!" as loud as you can. Then leave your message. Thank you!

It's the bottom of the 9th, the bases are loaded, John's on first, Sue's on 2nd, Mary's on 3rd, but no one's at home... so please leave a message after the beep and we'll get back to you

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Leave a beep after the message

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.