Cain and Abel
by MR
Awakening every morning in the same bed as Ray Kowalski was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because after so much time alone, so many nights spent tossing on that uncomfortable cot in the Consulate office, Benton Fraser had truly believed he was doomed to a life barren of love. So waking up wrapped around his lover was, if not the high point of his day, at least in the top three things he most enjoyed.
But just as into each life a little rain must fall, so waking up with Ray was a doubled-edged sword. Because quite bluntly, until he’d managed to drag himself out of bed and down at least two cups of Smarties-laced coffee, Stanley Raymond Kowalski was unlivable.
When they’d first decided to move in together Fraser had assumed Ray’s lack of morning routine was simply the result of having been by himself since Stella left. Only gradually had he come to realize that Ray’s early-morning behavior pre-dated Stella; going, he suspected, all the way back to Ray’s brief stint in college, when having to get up for 7 a.m. classes had left him with a permanent dislike of any hour earlier than nine. Given that he was expected at the Precinct at 8:30 and Fraser was supposed to be at the Consulate by at least 7:30, it practically short-circuited the relationship before it was firmly grounded.
The whole thing came to a head one dreary morning, when Fraser, fully dressed and ready to leave, found himself, at 7:32 a.m., trying to get Ray to at least come out from under the covers. Dief was sitting by the front door whining, the rain was pouring down like fury, and Fraser had about exhausted every drop of his considerable patience. He was going to be late, Ray was going to be late…
“And what?” Ray’s head popped out in a way that reminded Fraser very much of Spike the turtle “What’s gonna happen if you’re a little late and I’m a little late, Frase? The world gonna come to an end?”
Fraser simply stood there, mouth open. “Cause you know something? I was getting myself up and off to work before I even knew you. Stella never got me up in the morning…hell; nobody’s bothered to get me up in the morning since I was in junior high school! And even after I met you I always managed to get myself up didn’t I? You ever recall a day you came in and I’d never showed up? No you don’t, cause I always showed up mostly on time. Give it a rest! I love you more’n life but I’m an adult. Quit treating me like a kid.”
Fraser closed his mouth with an audible snap. “I’m terribly sorry you feel I’m treating you like a child, but perhaps if you would quit acting like one…”
“And be like you?”
That stopped him cold. But that wasn’t what he wanted at all was it? For Ray to be like him? Didn’t he love him because he was who he was?
“I’m terribly sorry, Ray. I can’t believe I would suggest such a thing.”
“Hey.” Ray slid out of bed and stood, wrapping his arms around Fraser’s waist. “Cut yourself some slack. I know you. You don’t have to do the Super Mountie routine for me.”
“It’s just…I’m so new to this, Ray. Living with another person, I mean. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing without meaning to. And I do have this unfortunate tendency to believe that my way is the right way. I never meant to belittle you. I was simply frustrated. And, truth be told, a bit envious.”
“You’re envious of me?”
“I envy your freedom, Ray. Your ability to be who you are without regrets or apologies. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to live up to others expectations there are days I grow weary of it.”
“You’re better’n you used to be,” Ray countered, planting a succession of quick little kisses along his jaw. “For instance the old Benton Fraser would’ve never let a naked man kiss him while he was in uniform.”
Fraser glanced down. “Oh dear.”
Ray laughed so hard he fell back into bed. “Get outta here before I make you even later, ya freak! You know how much red serge turns me on!”
So Fraser had eased off and realized Ray was right; it wasn’t the scattershot morning routine that upset him so much as the fact that Ray wasn’t doing what he thought he should be doing. Ray was never late to work; if it meant he went out the door still drinking his coffee, well, no one was being hurt.
“Is this what they refer to as “the honeymoon phase”?” It was one of the rare days both he and Ray had off and they were enjoying a leisurely breakfast at the kitchen counter.
Ray looked up from his coffee. “Where’d you hear that?”
“Francesca. She was referring to Officer DeCarlo and Officer Danato. Apparently they had a slight tiff in the break room. Francesca said they were still in the honeymoon phase and I wondered if that’s where we are.”
Ray cocked his head to one side. “I dunno if two guys have a honeymoon phase.”
“Did you and Stella have a honeymoon phase?”
“Not really. By the time we finally got married we’d been together so long we’d pretty well worked ourselves through the honeymoon phase. We just went straight into the old married couple who bitch at each other constantly phase.” He swirled his coffee around and added a few more Smarties. “Does it feel like a honeymoon phase? Cause I was never quite sure what that was supposed to mean.”
“Well I’d assumed it referred to the period of settling in and getting to know each other that any couple goes through. However, given that you and I already knew each other well before we came back to Chicago…”
“Yeah, but that wasn’t real life. That was,” Ray made a vague gesture, “an adventure. What we’re living here is real life. We just hadn’t added the sex thingy to it yet.”
An eyebrow went up. “The ‘sex thingy’?”
“You know, us doing the wild thing?”
“You mean making love?”
Ray laughed. “Why do you talk like that?”
“Talk like what?”
“Like the leading guy in one of them stupid romance novels Frannie’s always reading. ‘Oh come to me, my beloved,’ he said, and her loins stirred with desire.” He snorted. “I never could figure out how a woman’s loins could stir with desire.”
“I believe it’s called poetic license.” Fraser deftly covered a bagel with cream cheese, pointedly ignoring Dief, who was sitting nearby looking hopeful.
“Needs to be revoked.” Ray drained his mug and held it out to Fraser. “More beloved?”
Fraser accepted the mug, a smile tugging at one corner of his mouth. “Certainly dearest. And is there anything else my darling husband desires?”
“Whoa right there. Husband? Frase, I am not your husband.”
Fraser poured more coffee and handed the mug back to Ray. “It’s a perfectly acceptable term for a gay couple.”
“We’re a gay couple?”
“Well, the last time I checked…”
“All of half an hour ago…”
Fraser regarded him primly. “As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the last time I checked we were both men. We are, in fact, two men who love each other sharing a bed and having frequent sex. Is that acceptable to you, Ray?”
Ray poured a whole handful of Smarties into the coffee. “Sounds good.”
“Well amazingly enough Ray, society tends to view two men in love who live together and have sex as a gay couple.”
Ray pursed his lips. “I dunno. Isn’t that kinda limiting?”
“In what way?”
“I was married to Stella for 15 years. You had the thing with Victoria. You and Thatcher kissed that time on top of the train.”
“Mark Smithbauer and I had what I would definitely describe as a homosexual relationship, though we never had intercourse.”
“Okay, so that makes us a bi couple with strong gay leanings. Or is that just gonna confuse people further?”
“Actually, as far as I’m concerned what we do in private is nobody else’s business. Except Inspector Thatcher’s.”
“And Lt. Welsh.”
“Agreed. And I’m assuming we will tell your parents some day?”
“Maybe after my dad’s dead. Frase, do not look at me like that. You know how my old man is. He just started talking to me again. You think I wanna spent another eight years with him not saying a word and mom apologizing for him all the time?”
“Of course not. But perhaps if we told your mother and let her tell him?”
“I don’t think mom’d have any problem with it really. She likes you. Thinks you’re a good influence on me.” Ray snickered. “I guess we can leave out telling her how you’ve been influencing me in the bedroom.”
“I’d say we’re about equal in that respect.” Dief whined and Fraser looked at him. “No, you do not need a bagel with raspberry-flavored crème cheese on it.” Another whine. “Don’t be foolish. They are not native to Canada. I seriously doubt you’ll find them roaming the wilds waiting to be hunted down.”
“Poor kid. Dief, come’er.” Dief trotted around to Ray’s side of the breakfast bar. “Frase being mean to you?” Dief yipped. “You should bite’im then. Go on, bite’im!”
“Excuse me?”
“Well it works for me.”
Fraser’s face broke into a grin. “Have I ever told you you’re absolutely incorrigible?”
“And I’m cute too.” Ray wiggled his eyebrows. “So ‘dear heart,’ what you wanna do today? We could go back to bed and fuck.”
“Or I could come over there, rip off all your clothes, and make love to you on the dining room table.”
“You say the sweetest things. How about we compromise? You rip off all my clothes and fuck me on the dining room table.”
“Do you think it can stand up to that sort of abuse?”
“Never know till we try, Benton buddy. And we could probably do some interesting stuff with the crème cheese too.” There was a knock. “Hold that thought, okay?” He slid off his stool and shuffled over to the door. “Yeah?”
“It’s me, Ray. Fletcher.”
Ray rested his head against the door a minute, then looked heavenward and mouthed ‘Why?’ before opening it. “Hey, Fletch.”
“Hello, Ray.” He studied his brother, one corner of his mouth quirking. “I take it you slept in?”
Ray looked down at his sleeveless black T-shirt and smiley face boxers. “Nah. I was just getting ready to go to the grocery store.”
“You’re such a card.” Fletcher nodded at Fraser. “Good to see you again, Benton.”
Ray saw Fraser stiffen slightly at the use of his first name, then force a smile. “Fletcher. To what do we owe the honor of your presence?”
“I was wondering if Ray wanted to do 18 holes with me and dad.”
“Eighteen holes?” Ray climbed back onto his stool. “Like in golf?” Fletcher nodded. “Since when does the old man play golf?”
“He took it up in Arizona. Hasn’t played it since he and mom got back to Chicago, but now that I’m settled in and joined a club I thought we could get out the irons and see what damage we could do.”
“A country club?”
“Avalon Court. I was over at the trailer last night and asked dad if he wanted to try their range. Wouldn’t do to get rusty.”
“God forbid,” Ray said solemnly. “Have to pass on that, Fletch. Today’s my first day off in three weeks, I’m not gonna spend it chasing a little ball all over someone else’s lawn.”
“Jealous, Ray?”
“You wish. I did the whole country club gig with Stella. If I never see another smug waiter in a white tie again it’ll be too soon. You and dad knock yourselves out.”
“How about you, Benton?” He looked at Fraser, who was in the middle of clearing up.
“I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check as well, Fletcher. Today is also my day off and I have a good many errands to run.”
“Isn’t that kind of odd?” They both looked at him. “It’s just, you sharing an apartment and working together, it’s strange you’d take your days off together too.”
Fraser shot a sideways glance at Ray, who’d put down his coffee cup and was regarding his brother through narrowed eyes. “Fletch?”
“Yes, Ray?”
“Don’t you have somewhere you gotta be?
After a moment Fletcher broke eye contact. “I told Dad I’d pick him up by eleven, so I’d better get going. Oh, and Ray? Mom wants you and Fraser to come to dinner Sunday. If you’re not busy.”
“Tell’er we’ll be there.” Ray waved a hand at him. “Don’t let the old man overheated. You know how he gets when he’s wrapped up in something.”
Fletcher nodded. “I’ll see you later then. Good to see you again, Benton.”
Fraser offered him a thin smile as he let himself out.
“He gone?”
Fraser nodded. “Just left the building.”
Ray groaned and put his head in his hands. “Shit Frase, he knows.”
“Ray, that’s absurd. We’ve certainly never…not in front of…how could he conceivably know?”
“Cause he’s a lawyer. And much as I hate the jerk, he’s a good one. He’s put two and two together and come up with Ray and Fraser fucking each other.”
“But why would he care?”
Ray stared at him. “I keep forgetting you’re an only child.”
“Well not technically. I do have Maggie.”
“Who you didn’t meet until you were 36. Trust me; there’s a helluva lot of difference between having a half-sister you didn’t know existed till your parents were dead and growing up with a brother who’s three years younger than you.”
“Don’t all siblings experience a certain amount of rivalry?”
“Frase, what Fletch and I had was not rivalry.” He was silent a moment. “When we were, like, 12 and 9, Mom used to call us Cain and Abel. Swore one of us was gonna kill the other before we reached 18. And Fletch was Mr. Perfect. He did better in school than I ever could, he was in all these clubs, he was class president his senior year. When I went off to college I figured I’d finally managed to get one up on him. The day I called Mom to tell her I was dropping out she told me he’d won a full scholarship to the University of Arizona at Phoenix. Hell Frase, they moved to Arizona so they’d be closer to him! He’s everything the old man wanted.”
“Yes, but you’re both adults now. You and your father have managed to re-establish your relationship. I can’t honestly believe Fletcher would consider telling your parents about us just to get back at you for things that happened when you were children.”
Ray banged his head against the counter top a few times. “Were you lying when you told him about running errands?”
“Actually yes.”
“Good. I feel like a road trip. Maybe if I get far enough away from Chicago I’ll lose the desire to track him down and pound him into the pavement.”
They were almost 20 miles outside the Chicago city limits before Ray’s foot finally eased off the gas pedal. Fraser gave an almost inaudible sigh of relief and pried his fingers loose from the door handle. “You know Ray, perhaps if you talked with him openly…”
“Frase, Fletch is not the kind of guy you can talk openly with unless you’re paying his $350 an hour. I can’t…you just don’t know what it’s like, okay? You were an only child.”
“Eric and I were close.”
“Did Eric ever set your bed on fire?”
Fraser looked at him in horror. “You’re joking?”
“Am I laughing here?” Ray sighed. “It was the last house we lived in before I left home. Place had three bedrooms, but mom insisted we had to keep one of them available for visitors so Fletch and I had to share a room. I was out on a date with Stella and Fletcher went through my dresser till he found a pack of smokes. Guess the first one he lit up damn near choked him. Then just when he was getting the hang of it, I came home. He knew I’d be majorly pissed if I caught him with my cigarettes, never mind smoking in the bedroom, so he stuck the lit cigarette AND the pack under the mattress on my bed. Course I gave’im hell when I smelled it, but he claimed Jimmy Molinsky had come over to do homework. Not like I could prove otherwise. I went ahead and got ready for bed and I was just dozing off when I smelled something burning.”
“Oh dear.”
“Yeah. Lucky my mattress was one of the old ones that are thick. Managed to get it put out, but mom and dad woke up and came running in wanting to know what the hell was going on. The little shit told them I was smoking in bed! Got me grounded for a week.”
“It doesn’t really sound like he did it maliciously, Ray.”
“He didn’t have to! He was always doing something he shouldn’t have been, and then when he got caught he blamed me. And since I was the oldest, dad always believed Fletch. I think mom had her doubts, but dad was the one who disciplined us kids. Thanks to him I spent most of my senior year grounded.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t understand it then and I still can’t. The kid got straight A’s in school. He was in the choir, the drama club, on the student council…you name it, Fletcher was in it. I had to bust my ass to get a college to accept me. Fletch was still in his junior year and every damn university in the United States wanted him as a student.”
“So he and your father were close?”
“Oh yeah. About all the old man and I had in common was the GTO. We rebuilt that baby from the ground up. The nicest thing he ever said to me was that I was the only person besides him he trusted around the car.”
Fraser was silent a moment, staring out the window. “Have you ever considered that perhaps he’s jealous of you?”
It was a testament to Ray’s driving skills that they didn’t end up in the middle of someone’s cornfield. They did, however, end up parked on the gravel at the edge of a ditch. “Are you out of your fucking mind?!”
“Ray, you were the one who said how mad it makes you when Fletcher comes to the Precinct trying to “talk you down.” Belittling what you’ve accomplished as an officer of the law. Acting as if your citations were simply handed to you on a silver platter instead of earned.”
“Don’t forget making fun of our adventure.” Ray’s finger drummed nervously on the wheel. “Man, I wanted to slap him to sleep when he did that! Like he could have gone up there and survived?”
“No he couldn’t. And I think he knows he couldn’t. Which gives him one more thing to be jealous about.”
“But why would he be jealous of me? He’s got a townhouse apartment, three cars…he makes more in a year than I’ll probably make in my lifetime. What’s to be jealous of?”
“The fact that you have someone who loves you. For all his talk, Fletcher strikes me as a very lonely man. From what I’ve observed he has no real friends. He certainly knows a lot of people, powerful and influential people, but I doubt he could call any of them a true friend.”
“Like you.” Ray’s said softly.
”And you. What we have between us Ray is something few people ever get in their life. We’re lovers, yes, but we’re also best friends.”
“And you think he’s jealous of that?”
Fraser smiled. “If you were lonely wouldn’t you be?”
They stopped for lunch at a small diner further down the road. “True American road food, Fraser. Double-cheeseburgers… potato salad with real mayonnaise, homemade onion rings. Bet they only clean the deep-fat fryer once a year.”
“Ray!” Fraser was fighting to keep from laughing. “They offer a rather limited selection.”
“One of the first rules of road food: Keep it simple.”
“And unhealthy.”
“If it doesn’t give you a heart attack just from looking at it isn’t worth eating. Did you mean what you said about Fletch being jealous of me?”
“I think that’s at least part of it. To be perfectly frank, you both harbor a great deal of hostility towards each other. All of which, I’m sure, dates back to your childhood and the way your father seems to have favored him over you.”
“What’s so weird is that I don’t think he knew he was doing it. I remember mom trying to talk to him about it a couple times and him just tuning her out. I ever tell you I was premature?”
“I believe you mentioned it once.”
“Eight month baby. Mom had two miscarriages before I was born. I weighed four pounds exactly. They didn’t think I was gonna live.”
“Medical knowledge about premature infants was still very sketchy then.”
“That’s what mom said. When I was three she found out she was gonna have Fletcher. Another six or seven months of worrying about the baby being born too soon or maybe being born dead, plus she had me to take care of. I guess when she was expecting me she had a really shitty pregnancy. But she didn’t have any problems with Fletch. Carried him nine months exactly and was in labor with him six hours. You look at our baby pictures, Frase; I swear I look like one of those ads you see on TV for starving children. Mom’s got a picture a me holding Fletch the day she brought him home; he’s almost as big as I am.” He was quiet a moment. “My earliest memory is of me n’ Fletch waiting to meet dad when he came home from work. He always brought us something in his lunch box. And when he’d come in, he’d pick Fletch up and swing him around in the air. Made the kid laugh like a loon. He never did that with me.”
Fraser reached over and entwined his fingers with Ray’s. “Remember the first time I went to dinner at the trailer and your mother insisted on dragging out the photo albums?” Ray nodded. “She showed me a picture of you and Fletcher one Christmas morning. You’d gotten a red tricycle. You were five, she said, and I thought, looking at you, how fragile you seemed. I mentioned that to your mother and she grinned at me and said, ‘Don’t you believe it, Benton. He may’ve looked like a lost waif but he was hell on wheels.”
Ray laughed. “I about drove her crazy with that tricycle. Insisted on riding in through the house during the winter cause I couldn’t wait for spring to come.”
“She also told me you whacked Fletcher in the head with a plastic baseball bat for getting on it.”
“Hey, it was my tricycle! He got a rocking horse, why’d he need to get on my tricycle?” Ray’s phone shrilled and he twisted his hand loose from Fraser’s to dig in his pocket. “Kowalski. Mom? What’s…mom, calm down, I can’t understand what you’re saying. Uh huh. When?” He paled visibly. “Oh sh…where? Mom? Hang tight, okay? Frase and I aren’t in town right now but we’ll be there quick as we can. I know, mom. Are you alone? Good, you and Aunt Doris stay put. I’ll be…is Fletch with you? Didn’t you call his office? Mom, that’s a load of you-know-what…mom, don’t start crying again! Let me talk to Dori will ya? Hi Dori. Yeah, that’s what she said. I’ll be there quick as I can though. And listen, you keep calling Fletch’s office. Tell his damn secretary it’s an emergency! Yeah, right. Take care of her till I get there. Okay.” He snapped the phone shut and stood up, digging for his wallet. “Oh Christ, Frase, we’ve got to get back to town!” He pulled out a pile of bills. “Listen, give this to the waitress, tell her there’s a family emergency and we can’t stay to eat. I’ll get the car going…”
“Ray!” Ray jerked like someone who’d just woke up and looked at him, wide-eyed. “Ray, what’s wrong?”
Ray stood there a minute with his mouth open, and then shook his head sharply. “They think dad’s had a heart attack. I guess he started having chest pains when he and Fletch were on the golf course. Didn’t mention it till he got back home. Mom called the ambulance and he’s at St. Luke’s. They’re checking him now, talking about doing an angiogram. His blood pressure’s sky high. We gotta get back to town.”
Fraser nodded. “I’ll pay the waitress. Your mother isn’t alone is she?”
“Dad’s sister Dori’s with her.”
“What about Fletcher?”
“They can’t get hold of him. Every time mom tries to call his office, his secretary says he’s in an important meeting and doesn’t want to be disturbed.”
If Fraser had thought the drive out of Chicago had been harrowing, it was nothing compared to the drive back. Thankfully there was very little traffic yet, but Fraser knew they’d be in real trouble once they hit the Interstate.
“Frase?”
“Yes, Ray?”
“Pry your fingers off from the dash and get in the glove box, will ya?”
Fraser managed to let go of the dashboard and open the glove box to find a portable police light. “You never told me you had one of these.”
“Never used it before. Wanna get it out?” Fraser pulled it loose; it took him a minute to realize it was wired to the car. “It’s got a magnet on the bottom. Roll down your window and stick it on your side of the roof.”
Easier said than done, given the way Ray was driving. Finally, he managed to get it in place. “What now?”
“Okay, get your head back in the car and roll up the window.” He did. “See that switch in the glove box?”
“Yes.”
“Flip it.”
The siren’s wail was so sudden he checked the rear view mirror on his side, expecting to see a Sheriff’s car.
Ray mumbled something. “What?”
“I said it’s a good thing Dief’s deaf. This’d ruin his hearing for sure.”
They arrived at the entrance to St. Luke’s Emergency Department with the siren still blaring. Ray had the door open and was out of the car before it came to a complete stop. Fraser watched his lover’s back disappear through the sliding doors, sighed and flipped the switch in the glove box, cutting the siren off in mid-wail. He climbed out, carefully detaching the siren from the top of the car and putting it back where it belonged. That done he walked around to the driver’s side, got in, and cruised up and down the rows until he found a parking place. He parked, shut the engine off, pocketed the key and got out. “Diefenbaker?” Dief looked at him and whined. “I’m sorry you didn’t get anything to eat but neither did Ray and I. Do you want to stay in the car?” Dief yipped. “No, I have no idea how long this will take.”
Grumbling Dief jumped out and they set off for the entrance.
It wasn’t hard to find Ray once he got inside. He was standing at the admitting desk threatening the clerk “Trouble, Ray?”
“Florence Nightingale here won’t tell me where he is.”
“I told you where he is, Mr. Kowalski. He in the CCU step-down and visitors are limited to family only.”
“And I told you twice that I’m his son!”
Fraser lay a hand on Ray’s arm. “Ma’am, I’m Constable Benton Fraser, Mr. Kowalski’s partner, and I can assure you he is Damian Kowalski’s eldest son. Ray’s mother and aunt are with the elder Mr. Kowalski; perhaps you could call the unit and verify he is related?”
The woman studied him a minute, then nodded and picked up the telephone handset, punching a button. “Angie? This’ Carol in admitting. I’ve got a Ray Kowalski here, says he’s Mr. Kowalski’s son. Yeah, the guy Dr. Carlson sent up. They are? Okay, thanks.” She put the phone down. “I’m sorry for the mix-up Mr. Kowalski. You dad came in at the same time as fourteen people from a six-car pile-up and things have been a nightmare. CCU step-down’s on the fourth floor. The elevators are over there; just turn right when you get out.”
“Thank you very much.” Fraser smiled and, still holding Ray’s arm, guided him across the crowded waiting room to a bank of elevators. Only when they’d gotten on and the door closed did Ray speak.
“I didn’t mean to yell at her, Frase.”
“I know you didn’t, Ray. You’re upset about your father; you’re going to lash out at anyone that prevents you from seeing him.”
The elevator pinged and they exited, turning right and colliding with Ray’s mother. “Oh, Stanley! Thank God you’re here!”
Ray’s arms went around her. “Shh. Got here fast as I could.”
Fraser found himself standing next to the wall with a 50-ish woman who bore a startling resemblance to Ray’s father “Constable Benton Fraser, ma’am. I’m Ray’s partner.”
“Ah the Mountie.” She nodded, taking his hand and giving it a firm shake. “Barb’s mentioned you. Though I’m surprised they let the wolf in.”
He looked over at Dief, who’d curled up under a chair for a nap. “Diefenbaker tends to go where he wants, ma’am.”
“Don’t ma’am me for pity’s sake, I’m not that old. I’m Doris Kowalski, Damien’s sister. Well, one of them anyway.”
“I wasn’t aware Mr. Kowalski had any siblings.”
“I’m the only one still in Chicago.” She looked over to where Ray and his mother were talking. “Poor Barbara. Damian liked to have scared her half to death.”
“Have the doctor’s determined what’s wrong yet?”
“Well he didn’t have a heart attack.” Ray joined them, one arm around his mom. “They did an ECG and some blood tests down in the ER before they admitted him. They’re still not sure why his blood pressure went through the roof like it did, but I guess it’s come down some.”
“It’s Fletcher’s fault, Stanley, I know it is. Damian was perfectly fine when he left to play golf. Fletcher brought him home and he stormed into the trailer looking like the wraith of the Lord. Kept mumbling under his breath. I asked him what was wrong and he just snapped at me. Then he started holding his chest and saying he was having pains. Of course I called the ambulance, despite the fact he was sitting on the couch telling me it wasn’t anything important.”
“A wise move on your part, Mrs. Kowalski.”
“Good to see you, Benton.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “The doctor can’t understand why his blood pressure was so high; he’s never had any trouble before. I think Fletcher said something to upset him.”
“Mrs. Kowalski?” They turned to find a dark-skinned man wearing a white coat. “I’m Dr. Avish. I’ll be taking care of your husband while he’s here.”
“Is he any better?”
“His blood pressure’s come down considerably since he was in the ER. I’d like to keep him overnight though, just to be on the safe side. For a man his age this sort of episode could be a warning of an impending heart attack. Do you know any reason he’d be upset, Mrs. Kowalski?”
Barbara nodded. “I think our younger son may have said something to him, but I don’t know what. He wouldn’t talk to me about it. But he was fine before they left to play golf. He had the attack not long after he came home.”
“Would that be Raymond?”
Barbara looked puzzled. “Heavens no. This is Raymond.” She snagged Ray’s arm and pulled him forward. “His real name’s Stanley, but his father’s never called him that. Never did understand why, since it was his idea in the first place.”
“He mentioned my name?” Ray’s eyes narrowed.
The doctor nodded. “He’s been asking to see you, but the nurse said you weren’t here yet.”
“We just got here. He say why he wanted to see me?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Kowalski, no. But he does tend to get agitated whenever he talks about you.”
Ray nodded. “Mom. Me n' Fraser need to have a private conversation, okay? You and Dori stay here and talk to the doctor.” He grabbed Fraser’s jacket sleeve, dragging him over to a corner. “What’d I tell ya? What did I fucking tell you, Frase?”
“You don’t know that Fletcher told him.”
“Yes I do. I operate on instinct remember? And my instinct says my baby brother told my old man about my sexual preferences at this point in my life!”
“Ray, you’re upsetting your mother.” Fraser glanced over at Barbara and smiled. “Assuming you’re right, what are we going to do?”
“I suppose I have to talk to him. If what Fletch told him upset him so much he damn near had a heart attack, he isn’t gonna get any better until we talk.”
“I agree. We’ll talk to him together.”
“We? Last time I checked, Frase, you were not one of his sons.”
“No, but I am your partner. And if Fletcher told him about us, then I have a right to be there when you talk to him. I’m in this as deeply as you, Ray.”
“I know.” Ray rested his forehead against Fraser’s. “Wish we were somewhere I could kiss ya. I feel like I’m walking into the lion’s den here. Remember when we first got involved n’ you said we were gonna have to face some stuff that wouldn’t be fun?” Fraser nodded. “This isn’t quite what I had in mind. Come-on, they’re starting to stare at us.”
They walked back over to where Barbara, Doris and the doctor waited. “You think it’d make him any worse to talk to me?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Kowalski. Since we have no idea what upset him so much in the first place, I couldn’t say if you talking to him would be make him worse. However, given that he’s been asking for you I’d be inclined to let you see him. If nothing else, perhaps if he gets whatever’s bothering him off his mind he’ll feel better.”
“Mom?”
Barbara absently smoothed his wild hair. “I don’t want him to hurt you like he did when you went to the Academy, Stanley. It took me eight years to talk him into seeing what a stubborn, pig-headed old fool he’d been about that and I’m not sure I’ve got another eight years of talking left in me.”
“Dori?”
“I’ve known Damian Kowalski a good many years longer than you, Ray. If something’s preying on his mind, then you’d best get it out now before it starts festering.”
Ray nodded and looked at Fraser. “ I’d like to see him, if that’s okay with you. Me and Fraser, I mean.”
Fraser was aware of eyebrows rising all around them. “That’s a bit unusual, Mr. Kowalski. He asked to see you, not Mr. Fraser.”
“I know that, sir, but if he’s upset about what I think he is Fraser needs to be there. Trust me on this please?”
Dr. Avish nodded. “Very well. Mrs. Kowalski, would you and Mr. Kowalski’s sister like to sit in the Lounge? I’ll tell the nurse and she can get you some coffee if you wish?”
Barbara caught his arm. “Stanley, do you know what you’re doing?”
“Yeah, mom, I do.”
She nodded and pulled him into a hug. “Whatever it is, I’ll always love you. Remember that.”
The shades in the room had been drawn, with only a single small light on above the bed. “Mr. Kowalski? You have some visitors.”
Damian stirred and opened his eyes. Fraser was shocked by how haggard he looked. He glanced at Fraser, then his eyes shifted to Ray and Fraser flinched at what he saw there.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Dr. Avish said softly. “If he gets too upset, ring for the nurse.”
Fraser nodded.
The silence hung heavy in the air, and Fraser had the feeling he was watching a battle of wills. If it was, then Ray acquiesced first. “The doctor said you been asking for me.”
“I have. Didn’t think you’d have the nerve to actually show up though.” Damian pulled himself up a little higher in the bed. “And you brought the Mountie with you.”
“If Fletch told you what I think, Fraser’s as much a part of this as me. You have anything to say, you say it to both of us.”
Damian nodded. “You remember what I told you when you quit college to go to the Academy? That it was no better than working in the meat packing plant, except instead of the smell of dead animals you’d have the smell of bad people all over you? Well I let your mom talk me out of that when we came back here. Kept telling me what a good cop you were and all the good things you’d done, and I got to thinking, Damian, you’ve misjudged the boy. So I forgave you for throwing away a chance at a better life. And this,” he gestured from Fraser to Ray and back, “is how you repay me? Good God, Raymond, you were married to Stella for 15 years! Don’t tell me you just now realized you’re a faggot!”
“Stop right there.” Ray held up a hand. “First of all, I do not have any repaying to do. I paid my own way in college; I paid my way at the academy. As for you forgiving me, there was never anything to forgive except in your own mind. I dropped out of college because it wasn’t what I was meant to do. I was failing anyway. I went to the Academy because I wanted to be a cop. I’ve never regretted that. As for my marriage…Jesus, dad, you weren’t even in town for it! How the hell do you know what went on? Things happen, okay? I loved Stella more than I’d ever loved anyone. At least until I met Ben.”
Damian’s face twisted. “I don’t wanna hear this, Raymond!”
“Tough! Cause you’re gonna hear it whether you want to or not! You can ask Stella yourself; I was faithful to her from the day we married until long after we were divorced. I may’ve done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but I never cheated on her. Never.” His voice dropped. “You know why I transferred to the 27th, dad? Know why I quit being Ray Kowalski and became Ray Vecchio? Because my life sucked! Stell’d left me, you and mom were out in Arizona, Fletcher was in New York City being Perry Mason. I could count the number of friends I had on one hand and still have fingers left. I figured maybe I was entitled to pretend to be someone else for a while. It couldn’t be any worse than being me.”
“Then I met Fraser. From the minute he showed up he accepted me for who I was, not who I was pretending to me. He helped me realize that it was really over between Stell and me; he watched my back…I’d never had a friend like that before. I’d never had anyone who cared about what happened to me except maybe mom.”
“When Fraser and I went up to Canada to catch Muldoon, I was the one who suggested the adventure. And let me tell you something dad; there’s nothing like damn near freezing to death hanging off the side of a glacier to make you get your priorities straight. I’d already figured out there was something between us; something that went deeper than just friendship. And I fought that sucker tooth and nail. Tried to convince myself I was feeling everything except what I was. I would of succeeded too, except I found out Ben felt the same way.” He looked over at Fraser and smiled. “What’s between him and me is as real as what I felt towards Stella. Maybe more real. I’m older now. I’ve made my mistakes. I know better than to just assume the other person knows how you feel. I’ve learned you gotta keep talking no matter how bad things get. That’s what killed my marriage to Stella; we quite talking cause things were bad, then the worse they got the less we talked. Frase and me aren’t a couple of kids playing at being grown-ups. We’re in it for the long haul. If it was legal, I’d marry him in a minute. So if that makes me queer, I guess I’m queer. I’m in love with Benton Fraser and I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. And if that’s too much for you to deal with, then I’ll live with it. Hell, I managed eight years of you not talking to me. What’s the rest of my life?”
Damian looked at Fraser. “You got anything to add, Mountie?”
“Yes sir, I do.” Fraser was standing at what Ray thought as “Parade Rest,” legs slightly apart, hands clasped behind his back. “I have known your son for going on four years, Mr. Kowalski. He came into my life at a point where the only true friend I had in Chicago had abandoned me, or so I believed. He accepted my eccentricities, and they are legion. He taught me what partnership was truly about. He trusted me with secrets he’d never told anyone and I did the same with him. For a short time it seemed that our partnership, our friendship, was going to come to an end because of my inability to admit I could be wrong. Both of us came close to dying. And I realized then that the idea of living without Ray Kowalski as my partner and friend was something I didn’t even want to imagine.”
“Your son is a very good man, Mr. Kowalski. He cares deeply about his work. He truly feels for the people he encounters. He didn’t need a college education to learn how to do these things; they’re an instinctive part of him. Since Fletcher came to town I have watched from the sidelines and held my peace while he has continually denigrated what his brother has accomplished in life. And you have simply nodded and agreed with him. Never once have I seen you try, in any way, to support Ray. Now I’ll admit, Fletcher does lead an exciting life. He’s a high-priced criminal lawyer. He has lots of money, and I find it commendable that he’s willing to spend it on you and your wife. Every parent should have a son that generous. But the truth of the matter, Mr. Kowalski, is that Ray loves you just as much as Fletcher does. Perhaps moreso, as he’s apparently had to spend his entire life proving to you he was worthy of love. And I’ll tell you this, Mr. Kowalski; if Ray has the stink of bad people on him, then Fletcher has it twice as strong. You surely know the sort of clients he defends. In a just society they would simply bypass the formality of the trial and sentence them. But as long as they have money and can hire someone like your younger son to find loopholes that allow them to evade the law, they’ll continue to break down everything your eldest son has sworn to protect.” Fraser moved over to stand next to Ray. “I think, sir, that you would do well to consider long and hard who and what you’re turning your back on. Because if you dismiss him, Ray will leave and he will not see you again. It will grieve him deeply to do so, but you are his father and he respects your authority. There are times I wonder why, but my own father left when I was very young so I have no basis for comparison, I suppose. And I love your son, Mr. Kowalski. Nothing you can say or do to him will change that fact.”
The day was drawing to an end; the light in the room, faint to begin with, had deepened to shadows. The three of them; the old man in his hospital bed, the two younger men standing so close you couldn’t have slipped a piece of paper between them, were cast in relief, more like statues than actual people.
Finally, Damian cleared his throat. “So what Fletcher said was true?”
“If he said Ben and I are living together and are lovers, yeah, it’s true. Course knowing Fletch, I’m sure he embroidered it a bit.”
“Who else knows?”
“Besides you and Fletch?” Damian nodded. “Fraser’s commanding officer at the Consulate and Lt. Welsh.”
“That’s all?”
“If you mean did we take out a full-page ad in one of the Halstead Street papers to announce it, no dad, we didn’t. We’re not total morons. We know what most of society thinks about people like us.”
“And it doesn’t bother the people you work for?” Damian sounded genuinely surprised, as if he believed it surely must.
“As long as we keep it out of the precinct and it doesn’t interfere with our work the Lieu doesn’t give a rat’s ass. Frase and me have one of the best arrest and conviction records in Chicago. Welsh’s a smart man, dad; he’s not gonna go messing with something that isn’t broke.”
“What about your boss?” Damian looked at Fraser.
“She takes much the same position as the Lieutenant, sir. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my consulate duties, what I do in my private life remains just that.”
“So that’s it, Raymond?”
Ray nodded. “Yeah, dad that’s it.”
“Well it’s not like I’m gonna tell anyone. Bad enough to find something like this out…no sense in inflicting it on everyone else too. Dammit, Ray, why do you always have to be so difficult!”
“I’m not difficult, dad. I’m me. It’s the fact I’m not Fletch you can’t deal with.”
“I’d prefer you not come to the trailer anymore. And for God’s sake don’t tell your mother. It’d kill her.”
“Do you want the GTO back?” Fraser heard the faint pleading undertone in the question.
“No.” Damian shook his head. “You’ve put more work into that car than I have. You’ll take good care of it, I know, whatever else your failings might be.”
”Thank you, sir.” Ray said quietly. In the twilight he reached for and found Fraser’s hand, and they twined their fingers together. “Tell mom to get hold of me if they find anything out from the tests.”
Mrs. Kowalski and Doris were waiting for them in the lounge. Barbara took one look at Ray, came over with her arms outstretched and Ray fell to pieces. Fraser had never seen anything even remotely close to it. Ray had cried in front of him on more than one occasion, most specifically after the Beth Bottrelle case, but what he was looking at now was nothing less than a small child devastated by the loss of someone dearly loved.
Dori shook her head. “Closed-minded jackass. Can’t see what’s sitting right in front of his nose sometimes.”
“Thank you for saying so, ma’am.”
“What’d I tell you about the ma’am thing? Just call me Dori. Everyone does, even Ray, and I’m his Aunt.”
“I’m assuming Barbara knows as well?”