Fatherless Day
by MR
It seemed to Ray they'd walked halfway across Canada
before Fraser finally stopped and said, "Here."
He moved to stand beside his lover, looking at the
simple gray headstone. Nothing big, nothing fancy.
He figured Fraser's grandparents would've approved.
"He bought the plot after my mother was killed,"
Fraser was speaking softly, almost as if he'd
forgotten Ray was there. "He had his name and birth
date carved on the stone beforehand, so it was there
when they buried my mother."
Ray put a hand on the back of his neck, carding his
fingers through Ben's hair. "You remember that?"
Fraser turned, face solemn. "Not really. I was
barely five when she di…when Muldoon killed her. I
have vague flashes sometimes, things I think might be
memories, but I've never known for sure if they are or
if I'm just remembering what someone told me."
Ray nodded. The words were carefully inscribed:
ROBERT BENTON FRASER-
CAROLINE MARIE PINSET FRASER. Dates of birth and
death underneath. Fraser's
Dad’s name had the RCMP Crest underneath it. "When was
the last time you came here? Since your dad died, I
mean?"
Fraser thought a moment, then looked at him, eyes
troubled. "I'm not entirely sure I've been here since
my father died. Which would make it," he fell silent
a moment, "almost four years."
"Well you been busy," Ray said. His hand was resting
on the back of Fraser's neck now. Not moving, just
resting there, feeling the warmth.
"That's hardly an adequate reason for not visiting
one's parents grave, Ray." He turned back to stare at
the stone. "I suppose that, in a way, you could say
this is the first Father's Day I've spent without
him."
Ben had told him about his dad's ghost during the
trial. At the time, Ray had thought maybe the strain
was finally catching up to him, but he'd decided that
if Ben said his old man's ghost had been hanging
around the last three years waiting for him to catch
Muldoon he was tellin' the truth. Ben didn't lie.
And Lord knew it'd explain all those times Ray'd
thought his partner was talking to Dief, or himself,
or nothing at all.
"Actually, I must amend that statement." Fraser was
staring off into the distance. "As far as my memory
goes, I don't believe I ever celebrated a Father's Day
that my father was actually there. Even after he
died, he tended not to show up for holidays. I think
he felt guilty."
"Well he sorta had a reason to, didn' he?" Fraser
looked at him. "Ben, he spent your entire life
avoidin' you. I'm not sayin' he did it deliberately,
just that he did. So naturally he's not gonna be
around on Father's Day after he's dead if he wasn't
there while he was alive."
"True." Fraser returned to staring into the distance.
"What did your family do on Father's Day, Ray?"
"Ah, the whole bit. Mom made his favorite dinner. My
brother’n me’d save up our allowances an buy the old
man somethin' he didn' really need."
"But he accepted it didn't he?"
Ray smiled slightly. "Yeah. Always used to make a
fuss over the stupidest things. One year, I think we
were, like, eight and eleven, we pooled our money'n
bought him a hood ornament for his car. Ugly cheap
thing…winged victory or somethin' like that. An he
put it on his old junker'n went around showin' all the
neighbors what his boys got him for Father's Day."
"I made Father's Day presents until I was 10. I'd
always end up giving them to my grandfather. When I
turned 10, I think I realized he wasn't going to be
there, no matter what."
"Hey." Ray slipped his arms around Fraser. "He loved
you, Ben. He jus' didn' know how to tell you. My dad
was the same way. Guys didn' tell their sons they
loved them back then; it wasn't the 'manly' thing to
do."
"Yes, but at least your father was there, Ray." He
could hear Ben sniffling. "Things might not have been
ideal, but you knew he'd be coming home every night
after work. And he took care of you; made sure you
and your mother and brother had food and someplace to
sleep. He didn't leave you with people you barely
knew and never came back."
"Shh." Ray hugged him tighter. "Your grandparents
loved you, Ben. You know they did."
But Fraser didn't answer and for a long time they just
stood there, holding onto each other.
Finally, Fraser pulled himself together and
disengaged. "You okay now?" Ray asked, and Fraser
nodded, pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket and
blowing his nose. “You know I love you, right?"
Fraser smiled; the smile that Ray knew no one but him
had ever seen. "Yes Ray, and I love you as well. And
I apologize for going to pieces like that."
"No apologizin'. What'd I say 'bout you apologizin'
all the time, Ben?"
"That you preferred I not do it."
"Right. So don't. Anyway, I think you've got a right
to go to pieces occasionally. Puts you on the same
level as the rest of us humans."
Fraser shook his head affectionately. "Ray, Ray, Ray.
What did I do before I found you?"
"Well it musta been the right thing Ben, cause you
managed to survive long enough to find me."
"True." Fraser turned back to look at the stone. "I
just wish I'd gotten to know him while he was still
alive, Ray. I missed out on so many things."
"Yeah, an so did he." Fraser looked at him, puzzled.
"He never got to see you take your first steps, Ben.
He wasn' there when you started school, or when you
graduated, or while you were growin' into a man. I
think he missed out on more than you did. You had
your grandfather n' Quinn n' Eric. But your dad, he
didn' have anyone. Sorta cheated himself."
One corner of Fraser's mouth quirked. "You are an
astoundingly perspective man, Stanley Raymond
Kowalski. Anyone ever tell you that?"
Ray glanced at his boots, blushing. "Nah. Pro'ly
didn' want it to go to my head."
"I happen to be very fond of your head," Fraser threw
an arm around his shoulder. "And the body it's
attached to isn't too shabby either."
"I bet you tell all the cops that, Frase."
Ben became serious again. "No I don't, Ray. I've
never told anyone that before, not even Victoria. And
what I felt towards her wasn't love." He glanced at
the sky. "We'd best get back to the truck. I smell
snow."
Ray nodded, putting his arm around Ben as they walked
away from the stone. "So. Whatcha want for supper
tonight?"
"I think I'll start with dessert, and eat supper
later." He stopped suddenly, glancing back at the
grave. "Do you think they know how happy I am right
now, Ray?"
"Yeah Ben, I do. And there happy to, cause they're
finally together. Now come-on, 'for we get stuck in a
snowstorm or somethin'."
"Ray, we're in a cemetery. It's not like we're in the
middle of an ice field."
"I don' care. I'm not interested in freezin'. Unless
you want your dessert cold."
"Oh no, I'd much prefer it warm."
"Then pitter-patter my friend. Otherwise you'll have
to reheat it."
"I love it when you talk dirty."
"In your dreams. Hey, let me tell you about the year
my brother'n I decided to get dad some cologne. Like
a guy who works in a meatpacking plant would need
cologne, huh? Anyway…"
FIN
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