Which Way You Going, Billy?
by MR
Did I ever mention that I fucking hate funerals? All
the sniffling and sobbing, and the vicar giving
everyone the bullshit about how the deceased was such
a good man and now he’s safe in the arms of Jesus?
Give me a break! The deceased is not safe in the arms
of Jesus, folks. More likely he’s firing a fucking
BBQ in the other place. No less than he deserves, the
sonofabitch.
So we’ve got maybe half-a-dozen people, counting Pipe
and me. Oxenburger wanted to come, but he’s still
locked up in the happy house talking to the furniture.
The deceased’s mum’s here, which is a hoot and a
half; I don’t think the bitch’s seen him since 1979.
Now she’s here in her good black dress dabbing at her
eyes with her little lacy handkerchief, what times
she’s not looking daggers at me. Oh yeah I forgot;
I’m the reason her baby boy went to hell in a hand
basket.
Fucking cry me a river.
Other than Pipe’s girlfriend, the rest of’em are
reporters. Come to get the goods on the death of such
a promising young man? Cause they sure’s fuck ain’t
gonna get’em from me.
Least Bruce didn’t have the fucking nerve to show up.
Values his skanky life more’n I thought.
I still can’t believe he did it. Fucking idiot put a
bullet in his brain.
Fuck you, Billy Boy. Fuck you for stealing my
thunder.
I can still see you staring at me, wide-eyed as Bambi
with blood dripping from your nose. Never could beat
me in a fair fight, and that last fight sure’s hell
wasn’t fair. Never saw it coming. BAM! Fuck you and
your fucking guitar and your fucking stupid Jenifur,
Billy Boisy! Thought you were just gonna sneak out
the back door like you did before? Not this time,
fuckhead.
Oh I had it all planned, Billy. From the minute
Bruce told me about the phone call, I had it all
planned. You wanted out? You wanted to go back to El
Aye and fucking lie in the sun with a bunch of
teenyboppers’ 15 years younger’n you? Wanted to let
Ed Festus fuck you all over again?
Stupid prick. Goddamn stupid prick, I was trying to
save your life! Why the hell couldn’t you see that?
Cause you didn’t belong there anymore than I would’ve.
You belonged with me. Just like the old days. The
Joe and Billy Show. Cradle to grave, sperm to worm.
That’s what we were gonna be. You said so yourself.
Don’t know when you had the time to take the gun outta
my coat. Still haven’t figured that out. Nobody saw
you do it. You sure’s hell couldn’t have known it was
there.
It was gonna be so fucking great, Billy. Had Bruce
just where I wanted him. Gave him the pathos and the
heartache and the whole nine yards, and then I fucking
put my hand in my coat pocket and the fucking gun was
gone. And I’m standing there looking like an asshole
when the door busts open and Pipe comes out screaming
something about you fucking shooting yourself in the
head.
Goddamn bastard. Didn’t even have the patience to
wait till we got there to die, did ya? By the time
Bruce and I made it backstage you were already getting
cold. Lying on the floor with half your face gone and
your fucking brains leaking out onto the linoleum.
Oh, you gave Bruce an eyeful, Billy Boy. Still can’t
believe he took movies of you lying there dead. Great
ending for your movie, Bruce. Final shot: Fucking
Billy Tallent with most of his pretty face gone and
blood spattered all over the wall.
And that stupid smile. That goddamn stupid little
grin you used to get whenever you managed to put one
over on me.
Should’ve been me lying there, Billy. Should’ve been
me getting filmed. Me being buried with my nearest
and dearest at hand.
Me going down in the books as a fucking legend.
Me coming back to haunt you. Cause I would’ve. You’d
have never had a fucking moments peace again, Billy.
I’d have hounded you to the grave and beyond.
So now what? Services over and they’ve fucking
lowered your casket into the ground. Everyone else’s
left; just me and the gravediggers now. I’m standing
here watching’em plant you six feet under, Billy.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
FIN
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