"Hmm," sighed Ellia, putting down her half-completed set of rank cords. She stretched her fingers, which were cramped from knotting, and stood up. "I wonder what today’s lesson is about? I hope it's not something awful."

{{You are not happy today.}} The dragon’s plaintive statement was clearly meant as an inquiry. Ellia wished she possessed the talent dragons had of forgetting unpleasant things.

"Thank you for pointing that out, Cet," the girl grumbled. She walked to Niya’s Weyr in silence, thinking about the last few days. Y'kov had talked to the Weyrlings about Aneka, about her suicide, and about why it was important to not practice alone--as if they would do that anytime soon. But the Weyrlingmaster hadn't talked about Ellia's own problems, and she hadn't asked. This was something to discuss with Niya, and she'd avoided thinking about it until now. She found herself already standing in front of Niya’s weyr, and, after shaking her head to clear her mind, knocked on the door.

"Come in," Niya called from beyond Axyith’s couch. Ellia entered the Weyrwoman’s rooms and regarded the Weyrwoman. Her usually smiling eyes were dark and preoccupied, the dogs drowsed restlessly, and even Axyith seemed a duller shade of gold.

"Ellia, come on in." The woman intoned her welcome so apologetically that Ellia knew immediately what her lesson today would be about.

Niya lead the way to one of the side rooms, which she used for her private study, and Ellia took her seat. Niya fiddled with a stack of papers before beginning. She started and stopped twice before she cleared her throat and regarded the younger woman with a clear look in her eyes. "Ellia, you were raised in a hold, weren’t you?"

Ellia nodded. "Fostered."

"Had you ever seen a dragonless rider before Aneka?" Niya asked softly, not breaking eye contact.

"No."

"All right." Niya nodded as if this explained everything. She settled back into her chair and relaxed a bit. "Well, let me begin by explaining that I'm not giving this lesson today as a consequence of Aneka’s death. I've been putting this off for too long because it is such a hard lesson. I didn’t expect it to be something you’d need to know right away." Niya sighed softly as she looked beyond the girl’s shoulder.

Ellia hesitated, seeing the older woman lose focus. She didn’t know what Niya was seeing, but she nodded and Niya continued, now returning her gaze. "It is ultimately the responsibility of the Weyrwoman and the other goldriders to keep the dragons and riders of the Weyr healthy. As you know, depression can spread from dragon to dragon and take some pairs out of the air; obviously, we can’t have this. Each dragonpair has to be happy. If, in making sure each life is as good as it can be, it becomes necessary to take a life, then that is our responsibility." Niya paused, gauging the Weyrling's reaction.

"Aneka's life would have gone on," Ellia argued softly, not meeting Niya's eyes.

Niya sighed heavily. "I'm not saying she couldn't have continued living, Ellia. But it wasn't my choice, or yours, to end her life. It was her own choice, and we have to respect that."

"I know, but she wasn't thinking clearly. She hadn't been thinking clearly all night. I just wanted to stop her from making another tragic mistake before she stopped to think it out."

Niya paused for a moment, choosing her words carefully. "When a rider loses their dragon, they are completely alone. Most want to die. You can't keep someone from alleviating their aguish; it's not fair to the person."

Ellia refused to hear what Niya had to say. "You can't make that generalization. It's not true for every situation!" she argued. "I had the chance to stop her from leaving with Karolyth, and I ignored it. Then I had the chance to keep her alive, and you told me it wasn't fair to her. I listened to you; I thought it would be okay. And then she--" Ellia broke off, looking intently at the floor, as if it held her answer. She stared at the floor a long time, thinking about Aneka. She'd been a wonderful person before she had Impressed. Why couldn't she have continued to live? If only Niya had not persuaded her to leave Aneka her knife, the girl could have gotten help, and she would have been fine. "It wasn't right. She should have had the chance to live.” The weight of her guilt was suffocating.

{{I am sorry,}} Cetearath lamented, feeling Ellia's pain.

[[It’s not your fault, love. Niya shouldn't have stopped me from saving Aneka!]]

Cetearath said nothing, and Ellia inferred that she was conversing with Axyith. Frustrated that even her own dragon was being turned against her, Ellia closed up and spoke to Cetearath no more.

"Aneka could have lived,” Niya continued after a pause, “but it would have been a meaningless existence for her. She wouldn’t have been the person you remember. Losing your dragon causes unimaginable pain, Ellia. It’s every dragonrider’s nightmare to live without their dragon. What I am trying to explain is that you may one day be in a position to aid a rider in taking their life, if that’s what they want. If it is not, then of course, your job will be to help them live as good a life as possible. But it’s their decision to make. If they are only going to live in agony, and can’t take their own life, it is the duty of the goldriders to help them carry out their wish."

Ellia picked at the hem of her shirt absently, and nodded. "I understand. And I accept that responsibility, in that case. If Aneka was, for instance, paralyzed, and I knew that she really did want to die--,” the girl broke off with a shrug. She looked up, her face devoid of any expression, a clear sign to Niya that she was holding back her pain. The girl just didn’t want to accept what Niya was trying to tell her. Maybe it was because of her guilt. It was more likely due to her anger towards Niya for, in Ellia’s perception, allowing Aneka to die. In any case, Axyith reported that the girl has closed herself off to her dragon with surprising coldness.

Niya shifted, trying to think of another way of phrasing. This would have been a lot easier if Ellia had seen a dragonless rider before, if she’d grown up in the Weyr where this wasn’t even an issue. "Ellia, I can't take away any pain you have. I'm not a mind-healer, just a dragonrider.” Ellia’s eyes were still empty of feeling as Niya continued, “But sometimes it helps to open up and just talk to a friend."

Ellia blinked, and her blue eyes got very round. Her mind whirled with several questions, and suddenly an answer came to her.

{{Axyith and I are friends.}} Cetearath had picked up on the unasked question, and answered despite the way Ellia had shut her out.

"Are we friends?" she asked compulsively. Niya cocked her head to the side. Of course, Ellia was her student, and they had a teacher-student relationship. But they also talked about other things, friend things. "Aren't we?" she asked in reply.

Ellia half-smiled. "Yeah, we are." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Well then, let me try to explain. That night, when Karolyth and Aneka set out, I woke up with the strangest feeling that something was wrong. But I ignored it, and figured Aneka could take care of herself. And then just a little while later, I was out there, holding her hand back, trying to knock some sense into her. When you showed up, I let her go, and you persuaded me not to interfere. So I stepped out of the way, and then, she killed herself. I was terror-stricken, can you understand? I could have stopped it all. I could have at least stopped her from killing herself. Whether that's what the Weyr morality code says or not, that's what I felt was right."

Niya's eyes clouded slightly as she looked into the past. "Believe it or not, something similar happened to me when I was a Weyrling. Cassana was the first Weyrwoman at Kerro and she and I were in much the same situation that you and I are in now. I had just Impressed Axyith and Cassana was my teacher. We grew close as Axyith got bigger. One day, Cassana fell from an upper weyr and was hurt so badly that Xenith went ::between:: before anyone could stop her." Niya’s eyes saddened as she thought back to that day so many years before. "Cassana was my friend, and I didn’t want to lose her, but because she was my friend I couldn’t let her live without Xenith. It would have been cruel to make her. Ultimately, mine was the hand to weild the knife that killed her." She blinked and returned her gaze to the girl. "Sometimes a quick and painless death is the best thing a friend can do for another."

Ellia was quiet a moment, feeling for Niya, who seemed to have had to deal with too much for one person. That, Ellia decided, was what made her a goldrider, and what made her the Weyrwoman she was. "I'm glad Aneka didn't suffer long," Ellia said finally.

Niya regarded the girl. She hadn't cried through the whole lesson. Now her eyes looked watery, but she was making a valiant attempt to hold back those tears. Niya reached over and took Ellia in her arms, and the girl returned the embrace. "It'll be okay," Niya said. "Life goes on."