Darkness of My Soul
by
Sherry Jones
aka Uni
These are a set of poems, or more likely disjointed thoughts
that I wrote after the death of my mother. For a brief time, I wrote, and then I stopped. It was then that my depression truely became it's darkest. For nearly a year I swept along, but with the help of my friends, my true love, and therapy I have survived. It was Liz that brought light back into my life. It was a rough year, not only losing my mother, but I broke up with my fiancee (that was a good thing *G*), had a truck load of stuff stolen from my storage (almost all was stuff that I had gotten from mother, and family heirlooms. I do have a few things, but most of them are gone now. I hope they choke on it.), I lost my job when I missed too many days (I suppose the 3 day leave they gave me should have been all I needed to get over my mothers death.), I was suddenly aware that I was gay...and had to deal with that, and to top it off....*drum roll* ....I was nearly drowned in the memories of my past, having conveniantly forgotten the sexual abuse at the hands of my father, step-grandfather and a teenage boy (all from the age of 0 to 8).
But like my mother, I am a survivor. Unlike my mother, I have found true love. But she is at peace now and is no longer in pain. I miss her dreadfully, but I am so thankful for the years that we did have.
After 29 years, I am no longer in darkness.
I
I don't know
who I am anymore.
Bombarded by feelings
never felt before.
What's up is down
I'm lost and confused.
The answers have all changed
and the questions no longer matter.
The pieces of my heart
shattered beyond repair,
Too weak and dazed to fight
I stand alone,
Tormented by unseen forces.
Or have I merely haunted myself?
My foundation is crumbled,
my guiding light blown out.
No trail to lead me back.
The darkness sucks at my soul
and I groan as it pulls and shreds.
Somehow, I still take a step,
perpetual motion, slow and sluggish.
I know not what direction I face
nor where I will end up.
Deeper and deeper into the dark,
Into the nothingness.
II
There was a time
when I longed for silence
and I'd be safe from all.
But now, how ironic!
this solitude has turned on me
and I am alone.
I long for what
I'll never know.
Intimate kiss,
Lover's sigh.
No tiny treasure
full of joy
infant girl, baby boy.
I am cursed by life
for what I do not know.
perhaps some past life's sin?
I embrace the darkness.
What else can I do?
Alone I shall ride out this storm,
'till the next life begin anew.
Frozen
I try to think happy thoughts,
I try to stave off the depression,
but the words written by my pen this night
Have stolen the truth from my soul.
Not a moment passes that I do not grieve
Why is this so? Has death not existed always?
Others have died. Others have felt this pain.
Why can't I release this darkness from my part?
Am I weaker than most?
Or just plain stubborn?
That I refuse to let my heart feel
Preventing the wound from healing,
Frozen in pain.
III
Sadness has killed the light
leaving me in darkness
mired in dispair
my strength vanquished
I sink deeper and deeper
not knowing when it will end
not knowing if I care
what is living, if there is no hope?
my heart is broken and useless
when the pain comes to visit and will not leave
how do you move on? where do you go?
IV
There's no force to shake me
no energy to pull me
no light to guide me
I am lost.
Trapped in the pain of loss
I yield to the darkness
unable to fight any longer.
V
Long since have I lost the joy.
Long since have I lost the faith.
Long since have I lost the hope.
VI
I am drowning
in the sea
of
loneliness
I can see no
hope of
love
for me.
The weight of life
drags down
my soul
into oblivion.
I no longer have
the will,
nor care
to carry on.
And so,
in silence,
unseen by all
my heart
sinks.
Vulnerable
I am but a small child
Weak and afraid
Striving to be what I am not.
I cannot face the monsters
Nor drive them from this hell
My fortress has fallen
My sword rusted,
Defenseless, I stand alone.
VII
Love is a joke
and hope is a lie.
When it comes down to the wire,
we all have to die!
VIII
I had power when I was a child
Absolute control!
No emotion escaped,
invisiblity was my savior.
I felt no pain nor insult
Their attacks fell on deaf ears
and blank face.
The most they got was a shrug
But in emergancies I had a place
Deep within where I could hide
But somehow i lost my way.
I can no longer find
my Sanctuary
Trapped and hunted by life's minions
I race blindly, gasping, seeking
Oh, if I could but recall
my childhood strength!
But I have lost my way,
And there is no hope..
IX
I know I must let
my grief have it's way
But instinctively I stiffen
and look away
I feel I'm a shell
of my former self
My emotions locked up
and put on a shelf
I go through the motions
but there's nothing there
So much pain
why must I care?
Time is a ghost
that has lost all meaning
I try to awaken
hoping that I am dreaming.
Alas, there is no
relief for me.
I am tossed
on life's wretched sea.