Existential Misanthropy
The Rantings of a poor nerd with too much free time on his hands.
Sailor Moon??

I think all my problems in life started with Sailor Moon. Yeah, that cartoon made for little Japanese girls.

The show is about Love and Friendship and always doing the right thing.  Now most people would see this show and see it as a silly cute fantasy.   Most people would understand that Love and Friendship don't really mean all that much in the real world.  People fuck eachother casually, lie, manipulate and then dump eachother. It's just how the world works, I guess.

Take for example every friend I've ever had.  I've never had many, usually I'd just get close with one person at a time. We'd spend a lot of time together and we'd hit it off great. Then my friend would get a boyfriend/girlfriend and I'd never hear from them again.  I'd complain to my new friends or to strangers on the internet and they'd gape at me like I was crazy. This was a normal thing to do!  I'd get depressed because Sailor Moon taught me that Friendship was important and meant something, and I beleived it.

Time and time again friends would abandon me to go have sex with some stranger they hardly knew. I kept cursing my luck.  With Sailor Moon as my Idol,  I always told myself were I ever to date someone, I'd never ever do that to my friends.   That Friendship-Love and just as important and meaningful that Romantic-Love. I had no idea how the real world worked, all I knew is from what I saw in Sailor Moon and video games. It's funny though, now that I am no longer single, I'm doing the one thing I vowed myself I'd never do; I ignored my friends and now I want to talk to them and they've forgotten about me.

Sailor Moon is always sprouting off phrases about love and friendship and doing the right thing.  So while all my peers were off having sex, cheating, doing drugs and swearing, I remained  pure and virginal. I got this crazy idea in my head that being a good person actually meant something. How silly of me!  This somehow matured me into having this kind of "purity" fetish. I never wanted to associate myself with people who were impure and did bad things.

I can so clearly remember the day my (then) best friend told me she first had sex with some stranger who treated her like shit.  I was so disgusted with her that I couldn't even look at her anymore.   She was defiled in my eyes. I used to love to hold her hand and touch her, but on that day she became disgusting to me. I started to develop a "holier than though" mentality that really pushed people away.

When I finally did meet someone who was romantically interested in me he turned out to be the most disgusting slutty drug-user ever imaginable.  At that point I was so desprete for love and compaionship I decided to take it wherever I could get it. I kept having these thoughts that I shouldn't associate myself with someone like that, but I kept telling myself it what was I deserved for being so ugly.

Well, it took me a year and a half but I finally decided that I deserved better.  Again I made myself a vow that I would only be with someone who I found "morally accetable."

My gay friends online all told me I was a judgemental asshole. Because I thought that doing drugs and having casual sex was wrong.  This is the thing that make it so hard for me to relate and by sympathetic to fellow beings. I had such a hard time believing that not like drugs and fuckbuddies made me "bad".   I can't even comprehend why anyone would want to do either of those things. Although, I am happy with my relationship I never did find another gay man who was against either doing drugs or having casual sex.  If such a guy is out there he's either taken of fat or ugly, like me, so I wouldn't be interested in him.

As much as I hate humanity in the end I'm a human myself, and I find myself doing the things I condemn others for.  Although I am proud of myself for never doing illegal drugs or having casual sex ever.   I often wonder, however. Where I be now, if I didn't wake up early on that on saturday morning in 1995 and not happen to see Sailor Moon on TV.  Where would I be had Sailor Moon's ideals of love and goodness hadn't been engraved into me.

I'd probably be out there tricking up a storm and shooting up crystal meth.  I wonder if I would have been happier that way? Guess we'll never know. For now, though, I've learned to keep my judgemental thoguhts to myself.

2008-05-01 10:51:20 GMT