Big Birthday Bonanza
by Tommy Z
1.
"There's a girl in a white jump suit flopping around your office," LOUISE my secretary informs me as I walk in the door. "She smells like peppermints. I know you like peppermints."
""Do I know her?"
"She walks with a limp, about 135 pounds--give or take--, pretty brown eyes, a mole on her left cheek, curses like a Bishop at an Atlantic City craps table. "
"You're funny LOUISE. And her business with me concerns?"
"All she would say is: 'Is MR. COMSTOCK in? No? Is that his office? I'll just wait, if that's Ok'."
LOUISE hands me the mail. " How was your meeting?"
"Enervating." I rifle through the stack of letters. "Here's a card from the John Birch Society. What-have-ya got me signed up for now LOUISE? Last month it was Richey Rich's Secrets To Selling Real Estate, and the month before that The Salsa-Of-The-Month Club, and the month before that Winning Slot Machine Strategies. "
LOUISE looks at me sideways. "You're in a good mood today." .
I ask again. "So who's the girl."
"Her name's SUSAN." LOUISE knocks on my office door.
The girl in question opens it. "Hi, are my ears burning?" She stands in the doorway, sucking the air out of the room. "Hello JIMMY."
I move over to LOUISE, and take hold of her arm and explain:. "We may be awhile sorting this out, so--"
"Ok. I'll just go back to whatever I was doing."
SUSAN and I retreat into my office .
2.
"Ok SUSAN, what gives?"
SUSAN looks hurt. "Nothing really, It's just all part of your big birthday bonanza." She lights up a cigarette. "I'm down to eight a day. I'm on the patch." SUSAN unzips her jump suit, and steps out-of-it. Then points to a swatch on her thigh. "See." She walks over and locks the door
"Yea, that's cute. Where'd you get my keys?"
"Yer desk. Here, I bought you this. Happy birthday." She hands me a box.
"Gee thanks, still married I suppose-- "
"He's around."
"To what's-his-name..." I open her present.
JERRY GARCIA... It's a JERRY GARCIA tie. See." SUSAN shows me the label.
"You know I don't wear ties. I don't think JERRY wore them either. He sold them, but I don't think he ever wore one. He was fond of ice-cream though (Cherry Garcia)."
"The ice-cream comes later. Try on the tie. It's tres shiek. All the counter culture x revolutionary hip insurance adjusters are wearing them now. Then the piazza-de-resistance."
"No thanks."
"Don't be such a baby. "
I put the tie on. " I can't breath, I'm choking. Ahhhrg.Ahhhrg. Call 911."
"You are not. Ready for some-fun?"
"What kind of fun?"
"Ready for action?"
"Call Spiderman, I may need some backup"
"I'm afraid your phone is temporarely out of order?" SUSAN unplugs the phone. . "Oops. I'll just put this back later."
3.
(about an hour later)
"So where exactly is your husband these days?"
"He's in the city." SUSAN finds her purse behind the couch. "Here I'll call him." She takes out a cell phone.
"That's OK." I move over to my desk and grab a seat; put my feet up.
She dials "That tie looks great. Wear it to your next power lunch." Then to the phone: "Hello, darling, it's SUSAN. Just calling to say hello. I'm over at my boyfriend's place. We just finished making love. He kept his tie on. She smiles at me. His name is JAMES COMSTOCK and this office is: Comstock Insurance Adjusters, Gannetz building, 37th floor, downtown Trenton." She hangs up the phone.
"You must have forgotten to take your medication today."
" No I haven't, care for a drink? She produces a flask of peppermint schnapps; goes over to the water cooler; pours two drinks into paper cups; hands me one. He should be here in about 5 minutes, give or take."
"Then you've flipped your wig."
"I got the idea from a Star Trek episode. It's actually quite logical. There are two possibilities--hubby kills you; then it's 30 years to life for him. Or, you kill him in self defense. Either way, he'll be out of the picture. " .
"That'll work."
"Let's give it the old college try. For me."
"Ok, I'll just sit here in my birthday suit and catch up on some paper-work until the gorilla gets here?"
"He does have
a name you know. Let's be civil. It's CHARLEY, remember? And
besides, I threw your clothes out the window while you were in the bathroom, sorry.".
"Are you
kidding, I thrive on danger. Danger is my business." I get serious. "What kind of idiot would concoct a scheme to murder her husband from a Star Trek episode? " "I would. Beam me up SCOTTY."
"That reminds me, I need to make a call." I plug the office phone back into the wall and start to dial.
"I took the speaker out while you were--here, try mine." She walks over to my 80 gallon tropical fish tank and drops the cell phone in. "Oops, nice fishies."
"Your all wet SUSAN."
A loud knock at the door. SUSAN walks over, fishes the keys out of an umbrella stand. "Maybe we can have lunch some time."
"You'll never
get away with it." "Just watch
me." "You forgot
one small detail SUSAN." I move over to the window, and get out on the ledge. "If I jump, then what?" SUSAN looks
concerned. You wouldn't, you cad." "Just watch
me." SUSAN unlocks
the door; opens it. LOUISE is standing there--with a birthday cake. She's excited. "Was I on on time. You said knock hard, exactly one
hour after you two go in." "You were
perfect," replies SUSAN. LOUISE smiles. She looks past SUSAN; and inventories the room, searching. "But where's
JIMMY? Where's MR. COMSTOCK?"