Bumper Stickers
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. **
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.*
Why is "Abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...Until you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog." -Dorothy.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing.
HELP WANTED for telepathy: you know where to apply.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
I said "NO" to drugs but they just wouldn't listen.
P.E.T.A. People Eating Tasty Animals
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is a just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
All men are idiots...I married their king.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats...They taste just chicken.***
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I want die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.***
Guns don't kill people, postal workers kill people.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.**
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Don't sweat the petty thing, and don't pet the sweaty things. **
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.**
One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.****
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore, I might be.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men-they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
*I have had to explain this joke to way too many people. If you don't get it, say so on my guestbook so everyone can laugh at you.
**extremely funny
***rolling on the floor funny
****funny because it's true!
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