Things I've Learned From My Children
This entire joke rates ***. When I initially read this was the first time I cried laughing. You'll see what I mean.
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread pain on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak-it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square fool house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive track of a four-year-old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise while driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has a least a 5 minute response time.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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