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DRCs for Friday, October 5, 2001
A Fine Literary Work Awaits
Boris, you have accomplished nothing in killing a single communist. All
you have done is take out a pit of the whole. Communists are like the borg, or
a hive of ants or something. Individuals reaningless!! Take out the queen, and
you are good to go. Unless it was the queen, you didnt specify.
You have only angered the mad evil behemoth in your killing...why not just poke
communism in the eye for chrissake! -Goober
Morts2005: Kill the queen! *charges random woman.*
Tell me a story. -Survivor
Morts2005: Okay. Its called "Oscar's Big Hostage Situation".
Deep in the United State of Idaho was a man named Steve. Steve Bojangles. He was the only person within miles, but he was never lonely when Oscar was there. Oscar was Steve Bojangles’s pet penguin. Oscar always wore a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and had the most bloodshot eyes you had ever seen.
Their living conditions were modest, for lack of an inoffensive term, a three room shack in the middle over nowhere, but it was enough for Steve and Oscar. Oscar liked the summer heat especially, it was always too cold down in the Antarctic.
“Quack.” Said Oscar, very penguin like, without a hint of duck.
“No more cheese puffs for you today, Oscar.” Steve replied.
Oscar lowered his head and waddled away. Eventually he found a half-eaten sandwich underneath the couch. It pleased him.
Such was the grandness of their lives together in that shack. Both were perfectly content. Soon, however, it would all change.
One day Steve and Oscar were playing croquet in the yard when they heard a faint rumbling sound in the distance. It was unidentifiable by their feeble psyches at the time.
“Yonder! Hark!” cried Steve, gesturing down the road.
“Quack.” Said Oscar, in a curious manner.
A large vehicle soon stopped right in front of them. It bore the image of some sort of super-happy fish on its side. Below it were the words “Danger: Penguins inside”. Two men emerged from the vehicle and approached Steve.
“Mr. Bojangles?” the first man asked. He wore sunglasses and a black business suit. He carried an attaché case in his left hand.
Oscar watched Steve intently for his next move. “Yes, tis me.” Steve finally said.
The man nodded. “We’ve come to take your penguin, Mr. Bojangles.” The scene would’ve reminded Steve of a spy movie, if he knew what a movie was.
“I ain’t gonna allow that.” Steve replied in his best English.
The second man came forward. He wore a Beatles t-shirt and cut-off shorts. He carried a net. “Indeed you will.” He said in a perfect Russian accent.
“Quack!” said Oscar demandingly.
Steve blinked for the first time all day. Several seconds later, Oscar and the men were gone. As they drove away, Steve realized what he had to do: get something to eat. But after that, he would infiltrate the Happy Fishy Cannery and rescue Oscar.
Several salami sandwiches later Steve Bojangles approached the Happy Fishy Cannery compound under the cover of darkness, armed with only a legal pad and a fishing hook. The entire grounds were surrounded by electrified fences and moats harboring vicious raccoons. There was only one way in: the unguarded gate that everyone else seemed to be using.
Through an act of sheer luck and coincidental scheduling Steve was able to join a tour group being driven through the facility on some sort of bus-like thing. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, except that his homemade pillow armor was attracting to much attention. He quickly discarded it.
“On your right,” the disturbingly cheery tour guide began in a shrill feminine voice, “is where we taste-test various animals and decide whether or not to sell them in canned form. Be on the lookout for our new condensed starfish!”
There was a crashing noise, and a man dressed in a lab coat came bursting out the door of the taste-testing room. His screams were muffled by the starfish covering his face. The guide giggled.
“Ooh!” the guide continued. “Just around that corner is where animals are vigorously tortured in an effort to get them to smile on command! We have some very promising penguins in training right now.”
“Ooooh.” Said the crowd, compromised mostly of seniors.
Steve realized that this was his stop. Swiftly and silently he leaped off the tour vehicle and ran down the hall. Only six or seven people saw him. He continued his sprint until he came to a door labeled “Danger: Penguin Containment”. Steve attempted to force the door, but the adjoining computer panel demanded handprint identification. Steve placed his hand on the panel.
“Confirmed.” The computer screen read. “This is a hand.” The door slid open with a hiss at that point.
Inside the room were rows upon rows of steel cages. Each one contained one disgruntled penguin. Several rang their cups against the bars. Others played the harmonica. It was indeed a dismal scene.
Steve took a wild guess and went for the cage housing the penguin wearing the Hawaiian t-shirt and sunglasses. As Steve began to open the cage, however, the room was bathed in a red glow and a distant klaxon sounded. Oops. At nearly the same time, taser-weilding chimps descended from the ceiling.
“Meeeah!” exclaimed one of the chimps.
“Quack!” Oscar replied understandingly.
The chimps began to look at each other questioningly and discarded their tasers. One shrugged, and proceeded to pick parasites off another. Steve made his start for the back door with Oscar resting on his head. The chimps made no move to stop them.
“Quack?” Oscar asked Steve as the walked home.
“Yes, we have to walk all the way home.”
Oscar swore.
Steve and Oscar’s friendship continued until Oscar’s lifespan peaked. Then Steve got a job. Thus concludes our story.
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city,
keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I
think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." -Homer Simpson
Morts2005: I'm pretty sure thats what it was called.
*Holds gun to head* -WDIIA
Morts2005: Do it! Doooo ittt!
yesterday (Wed or thurs, i'm still not sure) I sent that xena udrc. When
I hit the send button, I got that 'Temp. Unavailable' page. So I waited and sent
it after I saw that the drc's were updated (I had not read them yet). Then I
read the drc's and find my post there! How, How Do you do it! -Zeogold
Morts2005: I dunno, I didn't do the DRCs yesterday.
Ahhhhhhh! Another time warp. You dorks have torn apart the fabric of
time! Two wednesdays in a row! Why dear god, why do you to with such things. God
Help us all! -Zeogold
Morts2005: Zuh?
"Tis the end of the world!", by Morts2005.
Six! For God's sake here, people. It doesn't take that long to send one, and it makes people happy!
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