|
||
|
||
|
|
When I think about it, I'm pretty sure you planned it for me. Well, I guess maybe it was mostly for me, but partially for you. After all, bungee jumping wasn't exactly my idea of prime weekend-off plans. I'd have rather stayed at my temporary home, catching up on sleep or watching the telly, relaxing. Whatever. Point is, you were kind of like a kid when you told me about the plans you'd made. You, me, Elijah, and Dom would go to the other side of the island and let loose. Lots of drinking, lots of thrills, lots of rule-breaking, lots of fun. Oh, and let's not forget the bungee jumping, a way to get an "old man" out and about. And somehow, in your endearing, earnest way, it not only made sense, but it was also some kind of twisted compliment: you liked me enough to want to be around me even when we had a chance to be anywhere we wanted with whomever we wanted. Even though I wasn't keen on the idea of throwing myself off a bridge, you wanted me to be there simply because I was me and you wanted my company. It was nice. So I packed a bag and went with you, listened to you battle Dom and Elijah over music selections. Watched you grin that mega-watt, genuinely happy grin, watched you joke and laugh. Saw that when you traded Elijah spots to sit in the back with me, the smile seemed different. It was no less genuine, no less happy, but different. Maybe more personal. Kind of hopeful. And I didn't understand what it meant. Not even sure if I quite understand it now. But I thought maybe I did when we got on the bridge, ready to jump. You told us about how you'd gone out one day a while back and taken the jump "like five times in half an hour, man!" And you smiled happily. Dom smiled back, Elijah smiled back, and I smiled back. You told Dom and Elijah to go first, to go together. "It'll be romantic," you joked, slapping Elijah's back and winking at Dom. And maybe it surprised me when they actually did and that left me up there alone -- well, not really, but it felt that way -- with you and that sort of just-for-me smile. And it was more difficult to disguise my nervousness without the distraction of Dom and Elijah, who I could always count on to be loud and spontaneous, having enough fun to satisfy you. I remember that when we leaned over the side to watch them fall, it felt surreal, like I wasn't really connected with the world anymore. They screamed their way down, whooping it up after the rope went taut and they bounced back up. You turned to me, laughing and grinning wildly. I think it's when I tried to return your grin that you noticed how uneasy I was, and was I okay? What? Of course I was, because I jump off bridges every day! Just the kind of thing you would expect me to say, and I waited for a grin to replace the concern that marred your features. Instead, I got one of the most serious looks I'd ever seen from you, and it was wrong because your face was made to be happy and content and glowing all the time. "Don't you trust me?" you asked, and it seemed like it should have been a joke, should have lightened the situation. But it didn't; it made the moment more real, gave it gravity. And I stood there, blinking and not knowing quite what to say, how to respond to that. I wish I had said yes. I wish I had said no, turning it into a joke, into something I could handle. I wish I had said anything, because I think that would have been better. But I didn't, and then you looked away, glanced down to see Dom and Elijah slowly being hauled back up, and the moment was past. Later that day we were back in the car, driving, and I can't even remember where we were headed. You were at the wheel, and I was riding shotgun. Dom and Elijah had claimed the backseat, and sometimes, over the lulls of the radio, I could hear the soft sounds of their mouths meeting and parting, lips and tongues sliding together. Maybe I sighed, because you glanced over, and I could see it in your eyes and the sad tilt of your eyebrows. You wished I had said something even more than I did. END
|
|
|
|
||