Les nouvelles de AIUO News

September, 2004

The following is a bit of humour created by our vp one night while he was suffering from insomnia. While he wished to delete these articles, he was voted down by the rest of the executive. And so here they are.

August 26, 1996

Ok, turns out we were wrong with that last news article. But after two world wars, two Balkan wars, one cold war, a korean, vietnam, afghanistani, israli, iraqi-irani and Gulf war and that huge massacre of two and a half millon Tutsis in Rwanda two years ago, AI believes that it's smooth sailing ahead. Heck the worst thing that happened was the coup in Afghanistan by the Taliban this month

October 15, 1848

Communism invented! We are probably entering an era of new peace and prosperity. With the individualistic rights of capitalism and the group rights of communism, there is a good chance that the 20th century will be the most peaceful century ever.

July 5, 1778

During the war of independance of the united states of America many people who disagreed with the policies of the unitedstatians were tared, feathered, lynched and forced out of their towns. "They terrorize anyone who doesn't agree with them and sabotage or destroy any ships still doing commerce with the Brits" AI is recommending that no British citizen go to the Americas as there is much anti-British propaganda in the country. Most countries are trying to remain neutral and the sole ally of the US is France. France explains that they are trying to liberate the country from the oppresive tyrany of the United-Kingdom. Please do not write letters to the colonies as they use that, once they run out of chickens, to tar and feather people.

December 31, 1775

Our ressources at Amnesty are limited and we sometimes miss a clear violation of human rights. Turns out we missed two in the Americas. The first was the complete annihilation of all indigious native tribes by the French, British, Spanish and Portugese empires during the last three hundred years. The second mistake was the use of slaves as the base of the infrastructure and economy of the above mentioned empires during the past three hundred years. Our bad.

May 18, 1525

Religious battles are happening all through out Europe. Catholics, Protestants, Calvinists, Lutherans, Anglicans, Methodists, Swinglians, etc... In AI new 1525 report, every europeen state is guilty of the persecusion of every religion except theirs. To list all the religions that are persecuted would waste too much paper and unless Gutenberg plans on coming out with a faster press, this paragraph will serve as our annual report. The other humanitarian crimes aren't really worth mentioning: war crimes with Babur wanting to become Sultan of Afghanistan and the Sultan Soliman for decimating hungarian troops. Oh and in the Italian wars, François I was captured and we believe there is a rule somewhere against jailing a king

September 11, 1040

Military coup in Scotland. The thane of Glames and Cawdor usurped the crown of Duncan to become king himself. The tyrant has been seen to have killed, not only his enemies but their families as well. After an Amnesty International press conference where it was stated that AI would never rest until the violence ends in Scotland, the king was reported to have bosted: "No man of woman born can defeat me." Amnesty Scotland is currently looking for any women wanting to take over their office.

August 10, 410

Humanitarian crisis! For the most part, the world seems to be ignoring the crisis going on in Rome. The Visigoth tribes headed by Alaric are burning, raping and pillaging all of the italic penninsula. Rome is currently being sacked and the Roman Empire is not expected to last much longer. Urgent action is needed right now!

Febuary 27, 33 BC

Prisoner of conscience. A religious leader with a large following was arrested by Roman authorities. Yehoshuah of Nazareth, 33, was taken in the imperial province of Judea for speaking against the state. Although evidence is thin and he is expected to be released by the Roman governor Poncious Pilot, he still can face a maximum penalty of crucifixion, in clear violation of the Ten Commandments, ratified over two millenia ago at Mount Sinai

July 4, 1200 BC

Another political disapearance. Helen of Sparta was taken from her husband King Meneleaus during the celebration of the treaty between Sparta and Troy. Although Prince Hector, representing King Priam at the celebtation is not a suspect, there is a belief that his younger brother, Paris, unhappy with the peace, did capture her as a political prisoner. Some rumours suggested that there already was an affair between the two and that Helen wanted to become a citizen of Troy.

March 3, 2498 BC

Crisis in Egypt! Hundreds of thousands of jewish slaves are being used to construct three gigantic tombs. AI suspects that these tombs are to be used as mass graves sites despite local government insistance that they are to be the final resting place of the Pharoh and his family. One slave was noted to say: "Save for holly intervention, I can not see the Pharoh letting my people go."

January 8th, 4258 BC

Amnesty International decries the use of slaves in the mines of Aï Bunar in the south of Bulgaria. The chalcolithique populations are forced to extract the copper from the mines without any protection and without being payed. AI calls on the tribe leaders of the Karanovo cultures to stop this immediately.