Roger Ebert. I'm really beginning to hate this man's inane attempt at trying to sound like he knows about a movie when he doesn't. Let's review, shall we? All of Ebert's shit is copyright of Ebert's fat ass and the Chicago Sun Times, I guess. Um, shit in yellow is from Ebert's review. If you're color blind, than the font is bigger and is Times New Roman, while this font is small and Tahoma. If you're monitor is a piece of shit AND you're color blind, then you're gay.

Silent Bob: Kevin Smith
Jay Phat Buds: Jason Mewes
Rene Mosier: Shannen Doherty
Tricia Jones: Renee Humphrey
Miramax presents a film written and directed by Kevin Smith. Running time: 95 minutes. Rated R (for nonstop crude and sexual humor, pervasive strong language and drug content).

Shannen Doherty did NOT play Rene, she played Shannon FUCKIN DOHERTY! Dumbass! She played Rene in MallRats you fat fuck!

Consider the metaphysics. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon appear as themselves in this movie, making a sequel to their movie "Good Will Hunting," and then we go into the fourth dimension and begin to suspect worm holes in the plot, because they also starred in "Dogma," in which Chris Rock played an angel--and now he turns up in "Jay and Silent Bob" as the director of "Bluntman and Chronic," which is the movie based on the lives of Jay and Silent Bob, which is an adaptation of the comic book created in "Chasing Amy." And before he appears as himself, Affleck appears as Holden, his "Chasing Amy" character, and introduces Jay and Silent Bob to the Internet.

Now, number one, if you're a fan of MallRats, Chasing Amy, and Dogma, then there are no fucking worm holes to suspect because we know Ben Affleck plays different characters in each movie. It's like a Greek play. Dumb fuck. Number two, IN THE FUCKING MOVIE (DOGMA) CHRIS ROCK EXPLAINS THAT HE IS NOT AN ANGEL! Did you even WATCH the movie, you shit eating queer?! He was the 13th apostle, for Christ's sake! Three, Bluntman & Chronic is NOT based on the lives of Jay & Silent Bob, as Holden (Affleck) explained TO Jay & Silent Bob when they got pissed the movie was being made. Bluntman & Chronic is based on AND is an adaption of the comic book...two FICTIONAL characters, Bluntman & Chronic, and their alter-egos, Jay & Silent Bob. I hate you Ebert.

And look--isn't that Joey Lauren Adams from "Chasing Amy"? Jason Lee, the co-creator of the Bluntman comic in "Chasing Amy," turns up in this one to warn Jay and Silent Bob that the comic is being made into a movie by Miramax. And Miramax is the studio releasing this movie, which . . . "Jay and Silent Bob" will be seen as a self-indulgence by Kevin Smith to those outside the circle of his films--and by those within it as Kevin Smith's indulgence to them.

Joey Lauren Adams was also in MallRats, shit for brains. If you would get off your pedestal and see some of those movies withOUT huge budgets, you might know that. Also, you should explain that Jason Lee's CHARACTER (Banky Edwards) co-created Bluntman & Chronic (and that he was a tracer, HA!). Oh, and yes, that is Joey Lauren Adams, and it seems that she's with her sister, Trish (The Dish), who appeared in MallRats, meaning she is reprising the role pf Holden's lesbian ex-girlfriend.

The story begins more or less at birth, as we discover that Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) were deposited as infants in front of the convenience store in "Clerks" and have more or less been there ever since. Now a restraining order has encouraged them to budge, and in a comic book store they run into Banky Edwards (Jason Lee), who based his "Bluntman and Chronic" comic on them, and now informs them it's been sold to Miramax.

Ho-ly shit! THIS, this right here, is where I got so pissed off that I had to write this. THEY RAN INTO BRODIE FROM MALLRATS in the comic store...the fucking sign said "Brodie's Secret Stash" you big idiot! Jason Lee played comic book fanatic Brodie in MallRats, who was the boyfriend to Rene (Shannon Doherty). So if you can remember Shannon's character from MallRats, why the FUCK can't you remember Jason Lee's? Asshole! AND, if Jay & Bob were in front of that convient store ever since, how the hell did they start on their adventure to Illinois and back to New Jersey as illustrated in the comic book "Chasing Dogma" and the movie DOGMA! Assfuck!

Jay: "Miramax? I thought they only made classy pictures like 'The Piano' or 'The Crying Game'."

Banky: "After they made 'She's All That,' everything went to hell."

BRODIE, shit knocker!

Once in Los Angeles, we and they go through the looking-glass into a world where director Gus Van Sant, Affleck and Damon appear as themselves on the set of "Good Will Hunting," and Rock is the race-card-playing director of the "Bluntman" movie, which stars James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs as Jay and Silent Bob. And Silent Bob finally arrives at the monologue we patiently await in every picture, and reveals himself to be as least as articulate as Chris Matthews.

Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season, numnuts! And actually, if we await the Bob monologue in all Smith's flicks as you say, then did I miss it in Dogma? I believe the most he really said was "No ticket" and "Thanks," wasn't it? What a huge fucking monologue. And you FAIL to mention Silent Bob going postal on Jay on that bridge when Jay doesn't understand what he's trying to say, remember? Of course not, you had someone watch the movie for you and take notes, then you "reviewed" it you piece of shit.

And now I'm at the end of your so-called "review" and you NEVER FUCKING SAID WHAT YOU LIKED AND DIDN'T! What kind of review is that from YOU, oh lord of TV critics? I mean, when I do reviews, I'm usually tired. I say if I liked it or not and that's about it, but I sure as hell don't get paid for it. You filled up that whole fucking page with CRAP, and crap that wasn't even accurate. HELL! Jason Lee appeared at the end of the fucking movie AS Banky! He had a BEARD and a HAT! Brodie had a clean face, fucked up hair, and an ugly brown jacket! YOU FUCKING MORON! CHRIST! I have never been so pent up with rage before at a fucking MOVIE review! YOU ARE HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE! I HATE YOU AND HOPE YOU KEEL OVER! Fuck head.