Lawyers

An elementary school teacher heard children wailing and crying and rushed to the playground to find out the cause of the disturbance.

"What's going on here?" she asked Marc, who sat on the jungle gym.

"Chuck took Laura's orange," explained the little witness. "Then she hit him on the head and called him a jerk, and he kicked her in the stomach."

"Oh my, we'll all have to go to the principal's office now," said the weary teacher. "And where is the orange?"

Marc smiled and produced the orange from his jacket pocket. "Oh, I have that, I'm Laura's lawyer."
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Corrupt businessman's telegram:
RESULTS OF MY CASE?

Attorney's response:
JUSTICE HAS TRIUMPHED!

Businessman's telegram:
APPEAL IMMEDIATELY!
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A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-Samuel Goldwyn
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Two little girls were having a heated arguement.

Said Mindy, "My dad's better. He's an important carpenter. He makes buildings.

Replied Carol, "Oh yeah? Well, My dad's a lawyer and he makes loopholes!
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"Your Honor," said the jury foreman solemnly, "We find that the man who stole the $20,000 is not guilty."
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The laws I love, the lawyers I suspect.
-Charles Churchill
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Attorney Kellock got his client a suspended sentence: They hanged him.
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The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
-Henry Kissinger
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If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.
-Lord Halifax
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A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has a better lawyer.
-Robert Frost
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A lawyer is someone who reads a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.
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A judge is someone who has stopped practicing law.
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Q. Why does New Mexico have so many vultures and Washington have so many lawyers?
A. New Mexico had first choice.
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"Smith, you're sentenced to twenty days on bread and water; how do you like that?"
"Toasted?"
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Overheard in the supermarket checkout line: "Her lawyer is honest, but not enough to hurt her case.
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A lean award is better than a fat judgment.
-Benjamin Franklin
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Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many can you afford?
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Sign in the office of an estate attorney: "Where there's a will, there's a delay".
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Proud mother: My son is a brilliant law3yer. He can look at a contract and tell you immediately whether it's oral or written!