Wednesday, February 13, 2002
Too weird...
Weird stuff today. Last night, had a dream and man, it was something I was totally not expecting. Something about my religion teacher(the perv). Anyways, when I woke up I had a crazy feeling that Darrup was very abnormal. That feeling progressed I as I had him in religion (first period). For some reason my mind kept telling me he wasn't human. Then, in th middle of the period, some voic in the back of my mind said, "he's an elf!" Yeah, I know it's crazy but that's what happened. And I couldn't help but trying to check out the shape of his ears but I couldn't see the tip. Weird day.
Diana and Christina had detention today! So, I had to walk home alone. My fastest trip to Rite Aid to date. Yesterday, however, was very different. Ya know how I told you about that guy on the bottle that reminded me of you (well, more like a future you)? Well, I unwisely suggested to Christina that she go get it. Then, I started to regret it. I mean with the accent and all, and pretending that the guy on the box was you, and her making it look at Valentine's Day stuff...whoo! Too much. What really got me though is when she made it say, "Celest, I'm feeling a little randy!" in the accent and all. I was giggling like a little school girl and my fce was kinda red, too ^^;;;;. Then, she took some of the makeup samples and put thm on the picture's cheeks and said, "Look, he's blushing!!!" It was all too, too, much. ^^;;; Too, too weird.
Akagi Greywulf 2/13/2002 01:40:21 PM
Monday, February 11, 2002
*sigh* I'm getting to philosophical for my own good. How, you ask? Well, I've started thinking about the things I do and why I should do them instead of just doing them. Like eating for instance. Instead of being entusiastic about the cafeteria food and asking my mom for my lunch money, I just took a few biscuits (the kind that taste like cookies), shoved 'em in bag, and that was that. I don't eat breakfast because i don't feel like it. I may be hungry and all but I just don't have the vigor for it anymore. The only reason I eat is to prolong my existence. That's that.
Oh yeah, had another dream about you. It's kind of fuzzy now, but I think it was about you coming here and then we went to some club or something. Well, that's what I get for listening to Daft Punk while sleeping, techno music starts to invade my dreams you know.
Last night, I had a dream about you
In this dream, I'm dancing right beside you
It looked, like everyone was having fun
The kind of feeling I waited so long... ~ Digital Love, Daft Punk
Akagi Greywulf 2/11/2002 08:40:15 AM
Saturday, February 09, 2002
I feel more saddened/depressed than usual for some reason. It's probably because of my period. I'm really suceptile to mood swings.
Parents went out again tonight. I was supposed to come with them, but....I guess restaurant food doesn't appeal to me anymore. I mean after seeing that bypass surgery in science, I don't feel like beef anymore. :( And I don't like it; this isn't me! I don't have half the passion I had for doing things I like, that's why I'm not enthusiastic to talk to you today. I feel tired, drained. I don't feel wistful, daydreamy, playful, or anything else thatI'm supposed to feel when stuff like this happens. I wonder why? *sigh* I just don't care whether I live or die. Because, if I end up dying, it would be because 'd have lived my life the way I wanted, recklessly. Not because my parents told me to be careful, not because my friends would be sad if I were gone, not because I would someday want to meet you...I don't care. This is the way I used to be, this is the way I was. I don't like the fact that someone who was just a mere board member to me means more to me now. This is not the way it should be. I don't get attached to anyone anymore, I just don't. And hate these feelings. I'm not supposed to have any anymore, they are to b gone!....And I'd do anything thing t kill them even if i means killing myself. Feelings are a weakness and I will never be weak again.
Akagi Greywulf 2/9/2002 04:51:39 PM
Ow. It hurts. Damn you for being so understanding. Damn you for making me trust you.
Damn me for being so suceptible to a little happiness....
Damn us both.
Akagi Greywulf 2/9/2002 05:35:33 PM
I can feel it now, like poison, like something cold....engulfng me slowly. Do that. Destroy my emotions. I don't want them. I don't need them.
I can get along by myself
Akagi Greywulf 2/9/2002 05:42:20 PM
You're receding now. You always seem to. You never kill me like I ask you to. Why?
Do you think I'm worth something?
....maybe...you are right...
Akagi Greywulf 2/9/2002 05:54:50 PM
Thursday, February 07, 2002
What should I say?
What do I feel...?
What do I know.....?
I'll tell you what I know
Humans: The only species that makes their young feel so unwanted
Humans: Disgusting two-leggers who deem themselves superior
Humans: The only creature that fights over nothing
Humans: Pick on other members of their species just or he fun of it
Humans: Sickly beings who are destroying there own world and do not seem to care
Humans: Destroy a race just for their fancy
Humans: The plague
Humans: The disease
Humans: The cause
Humans: The killers
Humans: The unsuperior superior
Humans......nothing
With all this and more, who would want to be human anymore?
I don't.
Akagi Greywulf 2/7/2002 04:13:37 PM
Sometimes...
One time, I had faith in my family. One time I trusted them, once...
But know, after all the pain they've given me, I do not wish to be associated with them anymore. I've come to fin that only my friends seem to understand me. That's why I treat them better. I mean, wouldn't you hold the perso who is empathetic to you in high respects?
Wouldn't you?
I'm tired of feeling sad for myself. I wish I wasn't here. I wish I wasn't in this world. And they only reason they say "be careful what you wish for" is because they're afraid your wishes to be somewhere else might come true. They care about you.
The should have thought about that before they hurt you. They're only getting what they deserve.
But still feel so empty. I know that I am past wanting to be in the company of others, but still....it hurts so bad. I don't like this. It's making me feel weak and vulnerable. I swore I would nver be like this again. I SWORE!
But still...I can't shake it off. And I hate you for that.
I hate you. I. Hate. You.
Akagi Greywulf 2/7/2002 04:23:09 PM
Monday, February 04, 2002
sigh, I'm sure I had enough sleep last night because I woke up before my alarm rang, so why are my eyes and mind so tired...?
Oh, I know why, because I kept crying last night. Silly of me to forget something so recent, heh...
Stupid girl. You just wouldn't listen, would you?
Oh leave me alone. You were all for it Eve.
Yes, but still, no one should get this far.
I know, sorry.
I agree. It's killing you so ignore it. I hate to see you this way.
*nod*
Good. *smiles and lays head on her lap*
*puts arm on her shoulder * ^_^
Thanks, you guys are the best.
*nod in agreement*
Akagi Greywulf 2/4/2002 03:29:01 PM
*"As the World Falls Down" plays back in her mind again and again* NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 *cries*
Akagi Greywulf 2/4/2002 03:36:49 PM
*clawsat face* no....
Akagi Greywulf 2/4/2002 03:37:31 PM
Sunday, February 03, 2002
'if I come' Well, I like to think that u are coming....gives me something to look forward too. It would be sooo cool! ^_^
And I'd make SURE to give you an experience you'd never forget ;) What do I mean? Why don't you ask....^_^
Akagi Greywulf 2/3/2002 11:29:00 AM
Friday, February 01, 2002
I don't know how to tell hi I don't love him. What do I say? "It's not like it used to be"? "I didn't know you were coming back"? I mean, was I just supposed to assume he would come back? Was I just supposed to keep hope alive? No, no. I don't do things on a whim, I don't dwell in the past. I move on. They make me move on. I make myself move on.
I have to tell him. I think I'll e-mail him. How should I be? How will he be? I'm hoping he'll let me go easily. I am a lost cause after all. Nothing can really get to me anymore, nothing. I don't trust in my heart like I used. The soul is better. The soul let's you like a person enough not feel to distraught over them. But the heart, too weepy. I would rather follow the brain. At least it has some sense.
I wonder why I'm playing "As the World Falls Down" again? That's a love song...when ur in the "like". When u love somebody.... Or is it? That's what I always associated it with, but I don't feel the same way I do about it now. I guess it towards anyone I like.....more than a friend I suppose.
But am I just kidding myself? Like with Koga?
Akagi Greywulf 2/1/2002 05:46:59 PM
Why am I so unhappy? Why...
Akagi Greywulf 2/1/2002 05:47:58 PM
No.....stop. I don't wana cry for myself again, no........
Akagi Greywulf 2/1/2002 05:53:48 PM
I guess how utterly miserable I am seems to be reflected in that song. I can't stop cying when I hear it....
no........no......
Akagi Greywulf 2/1/2002 05:55:44 PM
An eye for an eye, an ear for an ear. I'll only open up, if you have somthing good for me to hear.
Akagi Greywulf 2/1/2002 06:02:40 PM
Sometimes I'm sad and I know why
It's people who cause me to cry
They don't seem to care
I'm innocent
They laugh and laugh when I cry
I sometimes wish I wasn't here
Somewhere else without the fear
Of being hurt again or just not being right
Something I can hold on to tight
Some place without feelings
Some place where I'd have no dealing
With sad feelings
With happy/glad
Atleast I wouldn't be sad
And I don' think that life's worth living anymore
This is something I shouldn't have to endure
This endless pain that always seems to
Breaks me apart
It always comes right from my heart
And I seem to have grown
And somes btter than others
But I can still trust in
My amber soul
Not that cloudly, clear enough to let in the sun
Maybe one day I can trust people again
Maybe I learn from him
Not just from but from each other
Then maybe I won't cry....
Akagi Greywulf 2/1/2002 07:18:25 PM
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