Today was a very bad and difficult day. It was the last day at my work and alhtough it was a pre-holyday day we (I and Kostas) didn't even go to congratulating reunion because we had to finish all papers for it was the last day of my work in the library as a chief of department. We only finished late in evening and of course nobody was there already of those who had to sign documents. We hoped that they won't make us redo it all and thus left the work.

I think much worse was that I had certain difficulties with my N-brother and his bride concerning my arrival to Saint-Petersburg while he will be there. It's natural that having long-distance relationship and with her being pregnant for more they have lots to decide and lots of time needed to be one on one with each other. She invited me however to come and offered to host me at her friends' and my brother was of course glad of the possibility to see me too. But when I could decide with him (his bride said that's all that is left), it seemed to me it comes out I cannot come because staying 1-2 days to leave them alone in the beginning and in the end of his 9 days visit was not worth it for me since I have 3 days of road in total. True is that he didn't knew about the road lenght and not every day trains shcedule and that I overreacted at first. The bad part was that in this over-reaction I expressed my offended feelings to his bride who was on-line in ICQ at the moment. At this time I was seeing thigs the way that they invited me and now practically refused my arrival because it makes no sense for me... And she got offended very seriously, telling I'm thinking about myself only and I should be only grateful to her for what she does for me (gives me possibility to see my brother) and that furthemore she will think before proposing me anything.

Well, to truly say, I still think that they should really THINK before proposing that to me for they knew they'll need lots of time together, I won't even point out to the fact I tried to elaborate if it's possible best plan to bother them the least... not thinking of it already long time after they invited me and confirmed that'll be OK. Well, I guess I just tend to think way more beforehand than them and probably that's me who should cancel that generous offer at once. I also still think that when you invited somebody even if it's such a favor it's not polite to repush him and that they could think about me too, not only about them - that's actually the core of being polite, truly polite and nice, when it comes from the heart... OK, I confuse a little bit because she was the one who invited me and he was the one who arised difficulties for me coming, but bad side about my overreaction is that I shouldn't really involve her because in the end we of course have found a point of agreement with him, because we understand each other very well and knowing me well he knows my anger is nothing more than "noise" and learned to not pay attention to him (God, it's so precious, people who understand you and know your true self!) but with her the relationship was broken. I wished them good luck addressing to her and set her out of visible list (I'm in Privacy lately)

Only by the evening I understood how funny childish and unwise was my reaction in the morning but that was the second day I was in some nervous and "broken" state because of that dear to me person who disappeared and doesn't write me. I wrote him a letter today asking him to say good bye at least if he decided to stop writing.

Well, hard thoughts are on my heart today... But the thing that my bro's bride said to me also made me understood something about her: she said she was making me a favour and I'm egoistic... This word favour just hit me... You know, if someone makes something truly from the heart, he will never angrily remind you that he's doing you a favour... and remebering her words once "If you decided to play friends, play till the end", to which she renounced at once, makes a plain picture visible...

I truly wanted to make friends with her and was enjoying her good-heartedness... but I'm afraid now, even though I don't know reasons why she was so to me (this seemed suspectful at once how sweet she behaved with me, sincerely it usually comes only with knowledge of each other), it was only a play...

And I won't see my brother any more so soon as I was gladly preparing myself too... Unless she forgives me. I still want to be in friendly relationships with her, although won't forget what I learned.

I wrote a letter to them both in English so that it can be as open as possible, writing my apologies and explanations to her, writing how I learned I can come and go within his vist... But I don't know when I'll be able to send this letter because it's new job tomorrow and I don't know how it'll go there and the letter is in my Unsent Messages folder in my profile on my portable Western Digital.

OK, let's remeber - anything that happens, leads to the best, although I can't yet understand why fate first opened the gates for seeing my N-bro and now is closing them...