Well, I thought this can be very long but now when I'm back I don't feel in what words quite to put all that befell to me dduring this trip, so I think I'll manage to keep it general and not very long. I think I should write a kind of story to keep all details I remember now fresh in my memory later.

First of all, the train trip there was awful - it would be just perfect if they pushed the schedule two hours ahead to depart at 8pm and arrive at 7am. For the trip back with two nights and only one whole day was much easier.

My bro and his bride met me on the train station but without ballons as she promised. At the end only I asked her why and she said me because my bro protested that it's unacceptable to bring me ballons. I wonder why :-)

Our days were not too much busy because she couldn't walk for a long time because of her pregnancy, so we were every day staying I think at least half a day at home, but the main was communication, so...

We had enough chances to talk with bro one on one when we were smoking.

General understanding was very well with him, not with Olga - she thinks me being something eslse and that at most I can mistaken myself about what I think I am - isn't that funny blindness? Well, as long as we can stay in good relationships with her it's OK. (Seems like the girl believes herself perfect and have hard time to accept any differences from her in other people to be good, in her heart)

Now I'll try to report shortly in classes my impressions

DAYS:

1. Pretty good and calm.

2. I couldn't hold back my heart and was ill-reacting, straving again for his love and feeling a hurt little animal

3. Took myself back in hands, day of phylosofical thoughts.

DISCOVERIES:

- Bro said that they agree so far with his bride in everything as to thoughts and feelings about things and I see much of it in their calm and humouristic manneer of talking that would be difficult for me to keep up all the time for I tend to percept things seriously and emotionally. (Although I think that it comes in them from different sides - in him it's the discerned hard deep inner work, in her, just refusal to deepen things understanding, superficial perception, in result - both have easy approach to difficulties and stuff, unlike me e.g.)

- We have even more alike details in little subcionscious things with him. (like him using my fave Gilette flavour, going to smoke all the time at the same impulse, counting both exactly the amount of money to owe to somebody unlike her, both not eating fish, having same dreams about learning to fly!!!)

- He's unconfident about his appereance and hate being taken photos of but I was free to do it. Also, I noticed at once he's kind of not very at ease with his movements - body language is quite "maladroit" how it is?... clumsy? Not exactly but something like that, yet, little caresses are giving the warmth thrtough to the receiver.

- He doesn't do gentleman galantery common here (like opening doors, giving hands, helping into the upper cloth, although he was nice enough to help me into my coat at my demand only first two times and later by himself :-))

- She's the woman-prize type. I have now to read this book T.B. promised me to know how to better deal with her alhtough I already know what irritates her for sure personnaly and should be avoided speaking out - 1) my deep analysis of things happening reasons and consequences; 2) any innuendos on my with him alikness

- He's incredibly obstinate in his opinions, yet, thankfully, he doesn't confront, just kind of rounds a situation by jokes or changing the theme.

- He does so many things by his own hands, especially the wooden works in the house impressed me, although his bride isn't happy if all the house is in wood inside... I would be but that's irony of life :-)

- MAIN: I think that was why I came there mainly. I understood that the type of alikness we have with him is quite different from the type of alikness he has with her and looking at them I understood finally the difference between best friends and ideal spouses!!! That is, the souls closeness is necessary for deep friendship and the conscious part alikness - for a couple. The sign could be their first description of both "I felt most comfortable in my life with that person". That's true we would have too much misunderstandings and fights with him along the common life, yet I would be the best to understand his difficult inner states, like usually friends does. I thought that it's very possible that this person who last ignites such a fire in me would pe a perfect couple for me... but I won't think about it, I'll better relax to not prevent it happen.

CONCERNS:

- She said she prefers to feel superior to her partner in a couple of things. Would that mean that she thinks herself being superior to him in something and can be happy enjoying it in the private of her mind when she has to agree to his unmovable opinions from exterior?... That could help her support his obstinacy (what I wouldn't be able to do) but I think that it may give quite unexpected effects in conjugual life in future...

- I'm afraid that she doesn't hate me for him giving me too much attention because I think he wanted to me not been hurt but I think few things could be less as she has such nervous reactions... I would understand everything anyway, I'm happy with such attention

- I'm afraid I won't be able to eat sanwiches for at last next half a year for we were eating them twice a day before leaving to the city.

HAPPINESS:

Even despite all my wise thoughts I had hard times to believe life long love and common life would be impossible between us for more that I felt some of my attitudes would change easily just by being by him, and that I would better fill some of his heart intense needs, I could also teach him something e.g. loving his beautiful body in whole and see more connections in the world around etc... Of course it was difficult for my heart to not fall in love back with such a wonderful person, more exactly it was and still is difficult to keep my love for this man in sisterly love borders... I'm afraid it will always be difficult... But probably it's the way it's supposed to be in this life.

I have seen him yet really very mych caring about me also, like discerning at once my bad mood and trying to calm me what he accomplished pretty fine just by his calm voice :-) Like tears in his eyes when I bursted out in tears because of the baby I want and next for my whole lonely life. Like accompanying me short way and hugs and thanks for every day in the evening... Like me forgetting the lighter and him giving me his telling he'll take mine and for some reasons (may be his eyes) I felt it like exchanging heart parts... Like our byes at the trainstation when he held me like wishing to crash my bones and although I refused the idea when it came to me first in the morning, he himself kissed me on the lips and then turned out and walked away not looking back....

He's wise in many things and I thought I have to learn something from him - I could hold back as well reactions before I'm sure they're not ill like I often have now so I don't have to be surprised and ashamed afterwards and confusing people making them think I'm stupid and can't understand. I can keep more silence and keep some thoughts to myself and that will enable me to see more too. I can avoid discussions when I see it's useless and remember it always is if people start by communicating by "no"s...

What is very important is that he asked me to try to think less and enjoy outer impressions more and I know how right he is because I have to weaken my mind's control and that's something that prevents me to find someone to be in mutual love with too, and in general to feel more happy for I lately only think and too much... I promised that to him and I feel that this promise to him makes me remeber and keep trying although it's not so easy. But that gives such a warmth to "have to" do for him what is most needed in fact for myself... :-)

But finally I think I managed to degage useless regrets and all I feel is that despite anything I know now for sure WE CAN NEVER BE SEPARATED IN OUR HEARTS, despite any distance between us. Some connections beyond my understanding and perceptions LINK us... And that this could be Halves thing because I never met anyone I would feel as close too but perhaps Halves aren't always supposed to compose the best married couple, may be it's not this - something else... But I know: no matter in what terms we are, with whom he's happily living or with whom I do, for I see now I can also find quite a different man to be a good happy couple with... I FEEL A MYSTICAL CONNECTION BETWEEN US THAT IS BEYOND MIND AND DEATH... And whatever befalls to each of us I can be happy just because I know about this.